amoonytalks

[amoonytalks]

0.2 - trying to start a conversation about love and failing miserably

It's 3 o'clock (afternoon) as I write this. I have been procrastinating for days now to start putting this post together, even though I have some bits of it well established in my head and the only thing left to do is to actually sit down and write it. Its a mix of procrastination and not at the same time, but I think the context in general is useless here. What matters is that I'm writing now, if it really matters, if someone is really going to take the time to read a random girl complain about love.

Love. Its probably one of or my favorite subject in the world. I cant explain it, but I have always been fascinated by all the issues surrounding love. We tend to be dazzled by what is unknown. Not that love is actually unknown to me. In my depressed daydreams, I sometimes thought that I didnt deserve love, but nowadays I recognize that I have been and continue to be surrounded by it. Love is in the little things. We have a habit of trying to define simple things in ways that are mostly unnecessary, and love is one of those things that, despite being everyday and natural, trying to put a definitive concept on what love is seems offensive, because love can be many things. If I were to ask a group of different people what love is, we could analyze how each person tends to have a unique vision for various reasons. That is what fascinates me. Love is something Im so curious about that I can hardly help the excitement I feel when I'm asked to talk about it, and I even end up stumbling over words trying to put something together that makes sense to others.

On this blog, we'll still be talking a lot about love, in all its forms and colors. You can be sure of that. But the kind of love I want to talk about today is romantic love. I'd also like to make it clear that if you came to this post expecting an in-depth, scientific analysis of love, sorry, but you can leave. This blog is more about the daydreams I have when the night turns into dawn and baseless philosophical theories. It's more about me than anything else. But I still talk because I believe that somewhere in the universe you would read this and identify with it, or at least welcome it. I have a lot to say and little to add, perhaps.

Im 16. Im still a teenager, going through moments that are probably less stressful than the hormonal upheaval that a 13-year-old goes through, but which are still a bit complex. Nowadays I have a group of friends who make my school career less hopeless than it could be, and honestly, even though I'm not the friendliest person in the universe, I feel comfortable with them. Not as comfortable as they probably feel with each other, given the variety and ease with which they deal with certain subjects, but there is still a sense of comfort, I guess. Anyway, whether you are 16 or not, it's not hard to imagine that there's an incessant search by people in this age group for love. My psychologist says that all our feelings are much more intense at this stage, and love is not so different. Passion, fever, everything is much more intense now than for people who have lived longer.

But its just that in this part of life there we have a false feeling that we had experienced every possible emotional level, but love can be seen very new, because you will rarely truly experience it at a young age. As we grow up, our feelings become more complex, but in contrast, we become more & more mature in dealing with them. But, this is in theory. In practice, we are still the same star mass we were when we born, just with more experiences. But experiences dont always form maturity in certain people. Look, its easy just analyze the amount of ignorant and immature beings we find out there, on the streets, on television and even in positions of supposed power (yes, elon musk. I'm talking about you. you're like a cry baby. or as clarice lispector would say: you're like a hair in the soup). This ignorance is projected into various scenarios, affecting the world in a certain way.

Well, we are still talking about love. We all know that immature people end up hurting people, and you probably know (or you are the person) who has already had a major disappointment in love. They say that breaking a heart in love is one of the most painful feelings in the world, just like losing a piece of yourself. That sounds crazy to me. Dont get me wrong, if you are that person with a broken heart, I would never take away the value of your feeling. Its not crazy that you feel bad about having your heart broken, what I find crazy is the fact that someone, in their merely human and mortal existence like you, can hurt something as precious as a heart. If I were to elaborate further, I would add that my perception of romantic love in certain scenarios is closer to pain than to a positive feeling. Im not going to go into depth, at least not in this post. But if you are wondering why my view is supposedly pessimistic (it's not), know that I say this without ever (fortunately) having experienced disappointment. But if you're the person who had your heart broken and found my speech unfortunate, if it makes you feel a little better, know that I've never experienced romantic love. In any way.

It was because of this that I had the idea to start writing this post while doing the dishes. Its not something unknown or that I suddenly discovered, but it still left me in a state of shock for a few seconds. I'm pretty sure that I'm still very young and that love will still come, but it was a strange shock to realize that among all my friends and acquaintances at my age, Ive been lucky (or unlucky) enough never to have been graced by romantic love. On the other hand, whenever people ask me if I ever liked someone, I say yes. But the reality is that I havent really feeling the feeling of what love is suposed to look like. I have come very close to it, so close that remembering the feeling causes me distress. Because it was painful, like I have already say (but I have that pessimistic view of love even before that). It was like having my pharyngeal pathway blocked by thorns. This whole thing about love not hurting is a lie. Love hurts, just like all other feelings. Even joy can be painful, because while you're feeling it you know that it's going to end and one day your happy moments will just become memories. That could be considered pessimism, but I see it as a way of facing reality.

I believe that never having felt love is also a bit of a misnomer. Everything I know about romantic love comes from stories. And trust me, I have heard a lot of them. As I said at the beginning of the text, Im completely obsessed with this subject, and I think part of this interest started when I saw people talking about it so much. Im curious by nature, but for as long as I can remember I've had people around me treating me like some kind of therapist, what creates a feeling that they can be free to tell me their most secret confessions. Also, It must be because Ive always been an extremely considerate girl towards others, in the sense that Ive always been very fond of being silent and consequently thinking too much, what creates in me a feeling of empathy. The more you think, the more you acquire the ability to be a good analyst. Analytical people give good advice, apparently. I leave that as a tip to make life easier. The more you analyze, the more you know, the more you know, the easier it is to deal with the world. But knowledge, like love, can be very relative.

“The more I knew, the more I wanted to know. He had mad appetites that grew more eager as he fed them” - the portrait of dorian gray (book good as hell)

It's already 6pm. I had more to say, but this text has tired me out. Ivee realized that I go round in circles for too long and in the end I dont even know what Im getting at. I think its because this is still my first post, so unfortunately I still feel a bit stuck… But let's get back to it, so you will have to follow me to know what my big conclusion would be.

Actually, you don't have to. There's no big conclusion. Thats exactly what love is. You start trying to fit words together to try to explain it and in the end you get nowhere. Or it would, if I wasnt so tired. Tomorrow I have a chemistry work at school to present, so I could use that as an excuse, saying that Im only going to close my computer to study. But I definitely wont. I hate chemistry and Im going to study what I need to 5 minutes before my presentation. Normally Im very involved in schoolwork, but this time Im not in the mood for several reasons. One of them is that I have lost patience with my more intimate relationships at school. The same subjects tire me out. Talking for a whole morning about love and sex has become quite exhausting… What the hell?

Love… I genuinely couldnt care less. I lie. I genuinely couldnt care more. Because talking and listening about love every day is definitely taking its toll on me. These days I've started to crave love more than anything else, because it seems so good, the new always seems either good or scary. And when it becomes scary, I feel angry, because instead of making fake scenarios like the ones I usually like to make alone in my room, love comes up like a damned curiosity and Im left trying to dismember a feeling that seems impossible to understand, and not knowing something causes me either stress or fear. I know I shouldn't be afraid of love, but just knowing doesnt make me stop feeling it.

Knowledge is relative. Love is relative. And what could be more interesting than relative things? I wish I had more time to study about love, but school drives me crazy with its unfortunate content load. Anyway! As soon as I have more time, I'm going to study love from a scientific point of view and form my own philosophy. And I will write about it. But until then I will write about other things, obviously, but in my view no other post would be cooler than one about love. Or maybe. I have several ideas.

[amoonytalks]

0.0 - maybe a preface

Welcome to my first post. This is more a kind of a preface than an introduction, but I cant say nothing for sure. Besides not knowing anything about nothing, I dont feel like Im a very reliable narrator. But, feel welcomed. I dont know if this will reach anyone, but if it does, please stay. I would really really love to have company.

Before I start with my idea for that blog, I would like to make a few (not important) things clear. For example, telling you that Im just a refugee from the deceased (at least in my country) twitter, so I still feel a little out of place with some things here.

Well, I always wanted a blog. But I never really knew how to ''tie the ends'' together and form one for real. Now that I was practically forced out of my comfort zone and found other social networks, I was very interested in how I discovered the dynamics of Tumblr. So here will be the beginning of my secret diary.

You only need the most basic. I am an ordinary person, one of many scattered around every corner. I like stars, making brownies, things with cheese, things with artificial watermelon flavor, art in all forms and creating fake scenarios in my head. I dont like chemistry, crowded places, sunday afternoons, coffee without sugar and things with peanuts.

Okay. We break the barrier of the unknown, I guess. I could give a more detailed introduction to myself, but I kinda feel like it would lose the appeal of curiosity. I dont really know if that this appeal exists, but I enjoy more thinking that it does, so I will maybe have a more in-depth writing. I feel like I have a lot to say and a superficial vocabulary for it (and this has nothing to do with the fact that english isnt my first language).

You will see that, in fact, actually, I talk too much. Which can sometimes result in long, tiring and uninteresting texts. Tumblrs algorithm also seems a little difficult to, idk, become a famous person here. Think Im ok with that. If you, an unknown person, suddenly came across this post, feel free to sit with me and let's have a good time together, ok?