amourauxfraise

[amourauxfraise]

I want to turn back time and make up for everything I haven’t done for you. It’s Father’s Day today. I went through our conversations and saw that for the last 3 years, I wasn’t even able to greet you and I’m ashamed to admit.. that I only started to reach out fully, ten months ago, a month before I heard you were diagnosed with the big c. I sent you long messages and though I know you will ignore, I kept sending one almost daily. I wish I had that kind of persistence throughout.. I wish I told you all the things I needed to and let you feel more valued.. more loved. It truly hurts that I won’t ever get to see you again in this lifetime.. that we won’t ever get to see the Canadian rockies just as how we pictured it.. that I won’t ever get to embrace you and hear your voice. I miss you deeply. My father here on earth.. you will always have a special home in my heart. ❣️

[amourauxfraise]

14th of May

in this space i'm raw.. i rant.. and vent.. for once, i am myself..

i haven't been good the past few days.. very much aware that the bipolar moods kick in and trying to decipher my own behaviour.. one moment i'm happy.. and when the sudden rush of emotions and memories come, i feel depressed..

it was a normal saturday and i did the usual.. face routine, prepping breakfast and thinking about lunch.. my mind is the deepest part of me.. one that allows me to feel, think, hope and yearn.

i remember the casual conversation on the way home from the thrift store days ago where i said to my husband "it's in the bible that you should be the provider" -in reference to our topic of wanting a car and how i'm saying he should work another job and i'll be in charge of the kids.. he immediately responded by saying "why, are you a nurturer?" i definitely enumerated all the things i do at home and said if that's not nurturing then what is it? still in a joking manner 'coz that's how the mood was. minutes, hours and days passed.. i let it go but i already felt differently from the moment i heard it.. when i think about that moment now, i hate it... and the usual reaction from him saying "ang dami na naman nyang sinasabi" which i loathe.. i loathe it so much when i hear that line.. and the part where he says i can't take a joke or "hindi ka pwedeng biruin?".. which by the way is equivalent to a toxic relative's remarks you hear at a family reunion commenting at your weight/body/life decisions. that's how it is.

that saturday, i wanted to be left alone with my thoughts.. i wanted to drown in it and feel it.. much more that it was "mother's day" the next day and i already know not one simple thing will be done for me.. not a flower, not a note, not even a greeting.. i crave these things too you know.. sunday came and we attended church.. had breakfast at a diner which he thankfully paid for.. went to the mall, bought some skincare and went home.. my energy dropped yet again while walking in the mall.. a thought hit me.. and i suddenly missed my tito-dad who had just passed away.. he always planned on special occasions and i remembered all the mother's day spent at home years ago where he would make my grandma (his mom) feel special every time.. i wish i could experience something like that in my life but realized, that throughout our 15-year relationship, i always was the one who planned and led celebrations... and i was saddened by the whole thought. i was saddened and thought about the future.. that this is what's given to me. that i'll never get to experience the magical moments in life that might just make me feel alive for once.

it's heartbreaking to know my husband doesn't see me as a nurturer.. and it's sad that i don't consider him a good provider.. that even if i avoid it, i can't help but compare our life to other couples our age who are settled and doing well in life. provider-- it truly seems like the word has always intimated him.. and i should have known better.. i saw it in the times he didn't wanna move out of his parent's place (even if it meant losing my sanity over his mom's insufferable attitude) which was the cause of so many fights we had .. i saw it when he just allowed me to shoulder more of the rent than be in charge (kasi nga naman ako yung nagdesisyon na lumipat).. i see it when he says he still shoulders the groceries.. or have to pay for uber trips.. and so on. yes, i'm a professional, a working woman who is ambitious and shares in the household expenses even to the point i'm drained.. and now, i'm drowning. i hate that i can't depend on my husband when he should be the pillar of our home, the provider who is supposed to care for his household without seeking help from his mother. i'm frustrated. i'm depressed. i'm tired. i should've known better. i'm tired of the false hopes we give ourselves saying "we will get through this" because nothing's happening. i need a MAN. who has a plan. a strong one. an unshakeable one who doesn't get hurt by my honesty. who doesn't take it against me and will be the bigger person. i want to submit and i sure as heaven will submit to the leader my husband is meant to be..if only. i can be the best fucking wife for this man for all he knows. i want to see him in charge. to soar. to reach the zenith of his dreams. to actually live for his family and not DIE of smoking, excessive video gaming and believe that 4 hrs of sleep is enough. NO. i'm a grown woman who had just realized i can't put up with bare minimum efforts at this stage in life. i do not claim to be perfect certainly!! i have my flaws and heck my husband can probably come up with a litany of his own too and that's fine. i know the defensiveness can't escape him and i won't fight it.

the nurturer thing lives in my head like a poison. i must admit, it affected me. and probably will for God only knows until when. i smile, laugh and go on my daily life but it will haunt me. i am unseen. let that sink in.

we were walking around the neighbourhood yesterday and spoke my mind.. saying i wonder how life will be like if i hadn't left home and moved here in canada (which was weeks after i learned he emotionally fell for another woman).. that regrettable time i felt like a stranger to my own husband and their abode where i lived for a year tiptoeing on eggshells. i hated that part so much and ask God why. why am i here too? in this side of the world, thousand miles away from home, in a tiny, ancient working-class apartment writing this?

i somehow have accepted the fact that i might grow old alone and i'm at peace with that..somewhere in my fantasy world, i'll be the gothic little maiden who chose to live a tranquil life.

[amourauxfraise]

💛💛💛

[amourauxfraise]

[amourauxfraise]

5th of April 2025

It’s been exactly 2 months since you left but it feels like it was just yesterday… I thought I could write about you when I was at the height of my emotions because I do not want to forget how it felt but I was not able to.. I can’t bring myself to type anything.. I just cry out to The Lord daily..hoping he could send my messages to you.. I don’t know how to feel. All I know is there is now a void that no one else can fill. We weren’t the closest when I grew older.. We didn’t get to talk so much as I grew older.. or even had video calls when I moved here, thousand miles from home and from where you are.. I knew you to be strict and stern but also, caring, loving and generous.

My heart is filled with emptiness, now that you are gone. I can’t explain. This is probably the saddest thing I ever felt in my life..but also, eye-opening.. In a sense that my perspective in life changed. I will talk about that another time because I want to dedicate this day to you..

Last night, we were watching this drama and the last episode made me fondly remember you..the father was diagnosed with cancer and had a few months to live.. His family was saddened and his kids remembered all the times they hurt him.. Crying and regretting.. That they still want to do something for him but it seems to be too late.. It was exactly how it felt the morning I received the message that you are gone.. I was struck, sad, hurt, full of regret and all the things I can’t explain.

People grow old and I know eventually we will all meet our Creator.. I never have thought you it would happen so soon with you.. September 2024 was when we heard the news about your sickness and that time, it didn’t feel real.. I remember being on the phone with my sister for hours talking about you.. What could happen.. Who will take care of you… I honestly thought of flying there to take care of you but it was too impossible for me because my job was the only thing that sustains us and it will be really hard if I leave abruptly.. My circumstances didn’t allow me.. And I’m so sorry.. Because looking back, I should have applied for that visa.. I should have booked a ticket to Melbourne, to see you, take care of you even for a short time.. To embrace and tell you things.. Things that I won’t get to do now..

You only wanted the best for me.. For me and my sister.. For my cousins you also sent to good schools.. I’d like to believe we are all doing just fine now.. Probably not how you envisioned our individual successes to be, but blessed enough to be living life simply.

When I think about you, I am transported to my childhood and teenage years.. The times when we go to church on Sundays at Greenbelt, eat breakfast at McDonalds when it was too early, go to Glorietta after that and eat at Sbarro, sometimes watch a movie too, and go to Landmark or SM store to buy something or do groceries. When we got home, you would ask to buy merienda which was either pandesal and pancit or pandesal with liver spread and coke. Oh, the simple times.

I know that as I grew older, I grew apart.. It hurts to think about it now. I was foolish to think I knew life better and I ended up experiencing the worst you don’t know about because of my life decisions. I am so sorry for the times I hurt you, disobeyed you and disrespected you. Sorry for not listening to you when I should have.

I remember when I was in my senior year in highschool, you accompanied me to take college entrance exams at two of the most prestigious universities in Manila and at that time, I already knew I wouldn’t make it because only top students make it there.. Still, you somehow had faith in me..If I could rewind my academic days, I really would have done everything to study harder, have good grades and planned my path meticulously.. Like you. I’m so sorry.. :(

If I could turn back time, I would want to make you proud.

I miss you so much. I know you where you are right now is the most perfect place to be, beside our Creator, with our Lord Jesus Christ.

I dream of the day we can see each other again, in His perfect kingdom where there will be no more sadness, no more tears, no more sickness, and no more death.

I love you and each day, I’ll live honoring your memory. The most selfless, generous and caring father on earth one can ever ask for.

[amourauxfraise]

11th of December

I imagine a time when I can just do the things I need to do without ever rushing. This morning was extraordinarily stressful... I felt overwhelmed... Prepping the kids to school.. getting myself ready for work.. and by prepping I mean preparing breakfast, preparing their lunchboxes and mine.. washing my face, putting a little makeup.. finding stuff to wear.. and so many other extra things.. all while thinking what to cook for dinner? will I make on time for work today? what's the weather? do I have extra time? and a thousand other thoughts...

I am so exhausted. I think to myself when can I ever be excited about life again? be genuinely happy? I say I'm lost.. and feel guilty about saying it 'coz I'm all for trusting HIS plans. really. It's just that today, everything weighed in on me.

Lord, I know you see me.

[amourauxfraise]

realistically speaking...

the truth is i am tired of living pay check to pay check. commuting for 10 hours weekly, to work for less than 30 hours and get $800 is simply not it. and it's all on me... and my personal circumstances. my boss is kind enough to let me catch up on hours which i am thankful for.. but because i have parental duties in the afternoon, i'm unable to take full hours.. and it's not like i want more hours, i'm absolutely ok with it 'coz i'm able to do my responsibilities at home and finish up early..but my bank account is not.. financially, it's a struggle.

i am now at a phase where i drag myself out of bed, do the usual morning routine of prepping the kids for school and myself to work.. put on my jacket and boots, think a thousand thoughts while walking and feel exhausted before the day even begins. and i hate feeling like this.

my one and only colleague has been laid off and it's her last day today.. and i'm sad. sad for her 'coz it's tough out there.. sad because i'm the only one left and i wanted to go too.. but i don't have a new job waiting for me just yet.. and in this economy, you can't be unemployed unless you have hefty savings enough to last you until you've found a new one.. i have no one but me to rely on... sometimes it makes me wanna cry to know that.. but it's also the reason why i'm so determined to be successful.. that time will come all these hardships will be replaced by genuine fulfillment, happiness..and i can finally have that a peaceful, relaxing weekend, wine in hand, on a beach or somewhere fancy.. where i do not think about the bills for once.

i have started applying for and exploring opportunities a couple of months ago because i knew and felt, things will change at work and this place will soon close.. and i was right.. my colleague was let go.. and since then, i can't help but think it's just a matter of time before i receive the dreaded email saying "i'm sorry, your last day is.."

and today, my theory has all the more been proven as my colleague said "i hope she finds something soon" pertaining to my boss' wish for me when they were talking the other day. i didn't feel shocked.. if anything, it aligned with my thoughts.. and plans.. and fuelled me more to find the work from home job i have long been searching for.

i have this habit of talking to The Lord like how you would talk to a dear friend sometimes.. this morning it was like that.. feels though as i just had awoken from a dream and it finally hit me that i need to intentionally be IN-CHARGE of my life. i'm tired of sitting idly waiting for things to happen.. this means i'll take the first one that takes me and build things up from there. i'm so tired of just being inspired by others and not do anything to emulate their successes and live THE LIFE i'm meant to live. i know i can. and i do this not for myself, but for the people who rely on me.. the ones who i always wanna see happy.

[amourauxfraise]

I just really be out here at work doing tumblr...

[amourauxfraise]

20th of November

I really thought it was my turn.. to find something for myself.. something that I love doing. I feel heavy and defeated. Like I do not have a choice, in most areas of my life. I wanna cry not because things didn't happen as I dreamt of it happening, but because deep inside, I have only longed for the simple things, and yet, I'm still in the same old predicament of finding my calling.. a job.. a profession.. a career. I was somehow expecting support and words of encouragement, but I was instead met with disappointment and frowned upon.

Sometimes, I wonder what is like to have someone who supports you in everything you do.. someone who sees potential and wouldn't be turned off 'coz you might have to take a lower-paying job to get there and believes that things will get better? Someone who won't be afraid to ride the waves with you and will actually stand tall for you.. I wonder.. and I cry.. 'coz I won't be able to experience that.

I will always be that person who is selfish, unreasonable, dim-witted, illogical and incompetent to the one who I am with. I will always be that. No matter how great things go and the many I love you's uttered.. deep inside, to the very fibre of our beings, I will always feel despised.. and not enough.

I am 37 years old and in the wilderness, lost and alone. No savings, living pay check to pay check, commuting 2 hours daily, only to get less than a grand bi-weekly. Let that sink in.

I won't dive into details no.. I just want to let it out.

I'm grateful I have a job but this isn't what I want to do, I'm sorry. And now more than ever, I feel demotivated, tired and burnt out.. ironic 'coz my job literally is one of the easiest and anybody would be glad to have it. It pains me to visit LinkedIn at times and see my feed, with people getting promoted, moving to better opportunities.. to the best companies and here I am, working a 7-hr turned 5 hr job that I struggle to find the meaning and purpose of. The LORD knows I'm thankful I have this to pay the bills.. and HE also knows, each day, I pray, that HE will give me something better. Something I can grow into.. a work from home where I am to be able to pick up my kid from school. It is the very reason I'm putting myself out there, submitting tons of intro video recordings.. answering every questionnaire and application forms..

I maybe full of negative emotions right now but in all this, I still believe. I believe in breakthroughs, I believe in holding on, I believe that greater things are yet to come.

[amourauxfraise]

proof of life

Wow! It's been 6 years since I last posted a tumblr blog. A lot has definitely happened. A LOT. Biggest of them all is moving to another continent. The Great White North if you may. There are so many stories to be told, photos to be shared and memories to keep and today, I decide to immortalize my life by writing here again. Not the serious-toned, polished to perfection type but just the plain, old and simple diary vibes. Ohhh I'm excited. Finally, a space where I can be me. Social media has definitely evolved the last 6 years and while I'm also invested in growing on other platforms, this blog has been my own quiet haven.

[amourauxfraise]

✨💖🌷✍️

[amourauxfraise]

✨💖👑🤍

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One of the good taco places in Toronto 💛🌮❤️

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[amourauxfraise]

🩵⛈️🤍

[amourauxfraise]

believe me, there’s something worth loving beneath all this chaos

Kai Masa (via wordsnquotes)

[amourauxfraise]

Golden Rule in Marriage.

(source: Tumblr)