amzelindistress

[amzelindistress]

Since she won’t even ask me what’s bothering me anymore, I guess I will return to tumblr to vent/rant. Yay to being alone again.

- My mom has several upcoming appointments/tests that I am worried about. Just the general health anxiety.

- Work stressors. I hate my current line of work. I even returned to a platform I swore I would never return to again because I am that desperate. Applying is getting me nowhere. I am drowning in debt because of stupid choices I have made.

- I am losing interest and joy in things that used to bring me the most pleasure. Yay depression?

- I am so sick and tired of appointments and getting nowhere with them. Still getting migraines. Sick of it.

- My mom’s dog’s health is getting worse.

- My dad is fucking frustrating and getting on my last nerve. Biggest fucking manchild I have ever seen.

- I have all these ideas in my head and idk how to execute them.

- Tired of not getting the help I need.

- Tired of listening to everyone else complain lol.

- Tired of no one reaching out to me.

And that’s just the beginning.

[amzelindistress]

I am so tired of being alone. Of giving my all, all my energy, to someone but not getting even a fraction of that energy back. Of being disregarded. Of not getting any help. Of hearing but not being heard back. Of caring but not being cared for back. You used to be a better friend tbh. I miss the friend you used to be. It sucks she’s gone.

Taking a break.

[amzelindistress]

What do I do when I'm all out of spoons but I have so much to do?

It's really hard to manage life as an autistic woman. Not just hard but overwhelming. I've so much on my plate at the moment with the gigs I do to bring in some sort of money and the plans I have for the future and the appointments I have coming up.

Next week is the second part of my autism assessment. I'm dreading it because I'm having a stranger drive me there since my mom has prior engagements.

Speaking of driving, I really want to learn to drive, but I'm so scared of all the sensory issues. I don't know what to do about it. I thought about driving classes, but they all cost money, and I don't have money to spare.

I wish I had someone to help me through this.

[amzelindistress]

Autism is lonely.

It’s like being in a crowded room but still feeling lonely kinda lonely.

It’s the I try to speak but nobody can hear kinda lonely.

It’s debilitating and disabling and not quirky at all.

I am up at 12:06 to write down my thoughts before going back to slumberland.

It kinda hurts when I give all my interest and emotions to someone and don’t even get half of it in return.

That was a side note.

Things I didn’t realize were autism:

Not being able to ask for help

Not being able to explain how I feel

Asking too many questions and having my intentions misunderstood

Not asking enough questions (especially in healthcare settings) because I don’t want to be a burden

More on not being able to ask for help because it deserves its own section:

I feel childish (and like a burden) asking for help

When I do ask for help, it’s often neurotypical help that doesn’t actually help someone like me (but I am still very appreciative!!!)

Sometimes I feel like the help I need is “too much” to ask for

I don’t want to be a burden

If the help I get is still too difficult for me, I don’t ask for more help and instead abort the mission and then I feel bad for wasting helper’s time

Being letdown when I do ask for help (example: life coach AND vocational rehab coach lol) and fearing being let down again

Anyway, my head hurts.

So does my heart.

[amzelindistress]

There's a big disconnect between normies and me.

And honestly, that would be fine. Except one of my best friends is a normie. Which... isn't her fault, but it's still hard to communicate with her and get her to understand where I'm coming from in how I feel.

And when I jump on a call with her and our mutual friend, and they talk about their normal lives, I'm just sitting there quietly thinking about how fuckin' nice it must be to be normal. Talking about having full-time jobs, traveling, and relationships. Must be nice.

And then there I am, feeling as lonely as ever, even in a "room full of people." And you know, it sucks because I feel lonely, and I want to make more connections, but at the same time, I also prefer being by myself. So, it's a neverending battle.

I've joined two Facebook groups recently with people who share similar interests. I don't know if anything will come of it, but it's at least nice to people-watch sometimes. Normies people-watch to judge and gossip. I people-watch to live vicariously through other people and to observe how they interact with the world around them.

Anyway, it's been a while since I wrote a journal-style post. I have a lot of feelings and a lot to say but never the energy to put my feelings into words. I'm still where I was a few years ago, and it sucks. But my dreams and goals haven't changed.

Career

Education

Driver's license

Community

Therapy is on Thursday and boy, do I need it. It's been three weeks since my last session because I've had 0 energy to go. Autism assessment pt. 2 on the 5th. Dentist on the 18th. PCP on Monday.

I took my Vyvanse today for the first time in two weeks. I've missed it, but it's not helping me depression-wise or intrusive thoughts-wise. I stopped taking it because I was dealing with super bad headaches (still am) and spiked bp. The headaches are weird. Maybe I have a brain tumor, and it'll put me out of my misery.

...

Ok, bye.

[amzelindistress]

I am sick with anxiety.

I am sick with trulicity.

I am disappointed in people.

I am disappointed in work, or lack thereof.

I am not doing well.

All I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep.

Sleep is the only escape.

I have a headache.

I'm overwhelmed.

Help.

[amzelindistress]

[amzelindistress]

I dissociated all weekend.

Tonight is hard to sleep.

Noise won’t stop.

[amzelindistress]

Holy shit, I can’t sleep. Endless thoughts are running through my brain. I have no idea how I am going to do everything I need to do over the next few days. I don’t know how I am going to get through this interview. I am trying to mask. I am trying to be brave. Trying. But I am a fraud.

Life is so hard. And unfair. Especially if you’re neurodivergent. The world wasn’t made for us. Holy shit, I am so tired.

My plate is full.

Interview.

5 articles.

Therapy.

Psychiatry.

Physical therapy.

And that’s all just this week.

Put on your mask. Be brave. Fake it until you make it.

I don’t know how I will survive.

[amzelindistress]

Every time I think wow, I haven't felt this low in a really long time! I end up sinking even lower into my depression. It's getting really, really bad again. Excruciatingly bad. (I haven't reverted to self-harm, tho. Yet.)

I feel so... worthless. hopeless. empty. void. numb.

I'm tired of having to explain why I'm no longer making XX amount, or why I'm not working, or what I'm doing during the days. I know she doesn't mean anything by it, but my mom keeps bringing it up and it just makes me feel bad. I was just mentioning today how I am only aiming to make X amount a week right now because CS has been exhausting me and she mentioned how I used to make XX amount. And once again I had to explain (for the umpteenth time) how AI has basically stolen my job/livelihood. (And I know she has ADHD and trouble paying attention/retaining the information I give her and I know she doesn't mean to make me feel bad. But it does. I was doing so well financially and now I'm not. It feels like there's a hole in my stomach and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger. (whoever said money doesn't buy happiness was a damn liar.))

I have a lot that I need to do and figure out but it's hard. And honestly, I have... I wouldn't say high support needs, as an autistic person, but they definitely aren't low, either. Medium? I don't know. But I'm not getting the support I need. (ps: I wish I could afford an official diagnosis. I wish I hadn't been failed as a child and had been formerly diagnosed.) I had high hopes when I signed up for the life coach but that was a mistake. It sucks because I don't really have anyone to give me the support/help that I really need. I love my mom but she's not equipped to help me with what I need. I mean, she has ADHD herself and barely passed high school. And I still have to help her with things, too. I just wish I had someone to help me out more. My mom tries. My best friend tries. But it's just not enough.

Finances are so tight right now. Between both me and my mom.

And there's just. So. Fucking. Much. To do. And I don't know how to do half the shit I want to do. And learning is so fucking hard. I need help. Who do I ask for help???

My dad's taking me to Akron on Friday and I'm really dreading the drive because we have to go on an interstate and being in a vehicle with him is really overwhelming. He always stresses me out and gets pissy on the road. Not looking forward to it. Probably won't even be worth the trip tbh. Meeting with my RA but what is she going to do for me? Tell me to lose weight to help my symptoms? Yeah, I already know that. Thanks!

Another thing that's been on my mind lately (although, tbh, I have 2987398472934 things on my mind lately) is my social skills. Or lack thereof. It's so hard for me to connect to anyone or to make friends. Even the group of "friends" I have right now all prefer the company of my best friend. And who wouldn't? She's fun and talkative. And I'm just me. Boring and quiet.

I'm trying to keep my mind busy, too. I'm trying to pick up a new hobby. But it sucks because I have a hard time following along with tutorials. I haven't even been able to get past my fucking Woobles kits because I keep fucking it up somehow and I've no idea how.

I. Literally can't do anything. Wow, wow, wow.

I can't finish my GED. I can't get myself to get my driver's license. I can't get a new job. I can't even pick up a hobby because I'm fucking stupid. I actually hate myself. I really, fucking do.

Right now I'm sucking back tears. You know when you suck them back so hard that your entire face hurts? That's me right now.

Yeah...

[amzelindistress]

I am in a really dark place right now. And the person I usually talk to I don’t want to burden. Not that she’s been really good at helping me lately anyway, but that’s because she has her own problems to deal with. I just wish I had someone else to help me out more. Idk.

[amzelindistress]

yay for masking...

[amzelindistress]

birthdays always weigh heavy on me.

one year older. one year closer to death.

i never do anything to celebrate because what's there to celebrate? certainly not me or my life. my life has no value. no meaning.

tomorrow is another year of failing to meet my goals. another year of failing to be an adult and do adult things. another year of disappointing myself.

birthdays stopped having meaning when i was a teenager. and with each passing one, it just gets worse. with each passing year, i just get worse.

this year, i have accomplished next to nothing.

i'm a failure.

and tomorrow i'll be reminded of that.

i don't want another year of this.

i don't want another year of me.

i'm very. very tired.

[amzelindistress]

Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Aurelia Plath written c. August 1951

[amzelindistress]

˖⁺‧₊˚☽◯☾˚₊‧⁺˖

[amzelindistress]

Suicidal ideation peaked.

[amzelindistress]

You're pathetic.

Not you. Me. I'm pathetic.

And I've come to realize that no matter what path I choose, I am likely going to be miserable forever.

Weight loss has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.

Losing weight = loose skin and body dysphoria.

But staying at my current weight = health issues.

Keto diet = giving up my favorite foods.

Weight loss surgery = altering my relationship with food forever.

Exercising = SO BORING, how do people do it?? but also, sacrificing time/energy that I could spend on other things. (this one isn't too bad)

Moving onto what else has been on my mind...

I'm awaiting news on my mom's test results. Mammogram and bone density. I hate waiting for results. In 2023, can't these results be automatic already? Anyway, my mind just wants to stay in gloom and doom so I'm worried. Of course, I'm always worried. About everything.

I also don't feel good enough for my friends. I feel like an outsider. I don't feel like I fit in or belong.

Work is stupid. Money is stupid. I'm stupid.

Anyway, yeah. I've come to the conclusion that I will always be unhappy and miserable. I will never like who I am. Always inferior, always defeated, always in misery. This is my destiny.

I didn't choose it, but it is what it is.

"Choose happiness,"

FUCK OFF.

Happiness isn't a choice. It's a privilege.

I will never fucking be happy. Ever.

I can mask until the day I die (which may be sooner than later (god, I hope) lol), but I will never be happy.

How dare I complain when people are dying in Gaza?

Someone silence my mind, please.