anaheraimaaka

[anaheraimaaka]

Overthinking taking place at work. The pressure of life was much, heavy on my chest and shoulders too. Tears streaming, I called my boss and began to vent my life situations. Pause.. “A customer is coming in, I need to go”

He walked in store, eyes met one another, I turned and walked to the back of store to dry my eyes and close my phone call.

“How are you today?” I called out, “Yeah really good and you?” he responded, “Yeah same old, let me know if you need a hand with anything and I'll be there”.

He pottered around the store and collected some clothing he’d like to try on, I open the change room and gesture him to enter “let me know if you’d like another size in anything and show me when you’ve your outfit on”. He began to close the door but couldn’t resist the urge to ask “are you ok?”, I replied “yeah I'm good, let me know if you need anything ok”, he wore an empathetic face responding “It’s just.. I heard you crying and you looked extremely upset, I’m not trying to be nosey but if you’d like an ear to listen to your troubles.. I will listen, so are you really ok?”, my professional posture, voice and face dropped and I slumped down on to the counter with a big sigh and began to express my troubles.

March 2020 I embarked on the great adventure, parenting. And oh my baby what an up down rollercoaster ride it has been having the pleasure to witness you cultivate in to such an intelligent, witty, stubborn and pocket of sunshine darling girl and me a warm, loving, stern, tough and resilient Mama.

I now know the behind the scenes stresses and struggles of navigating oneself through the most rewarding life challenge of being Mama

I began to express my financial troubles and the emotional and mental labour of constantly second guessing myself and questioning my parenting styles. What belief systems do I want to pass down to baby, how do I ensure she grows to be strong, courageous, respectful, honest, kind and caring and well disciplined?  

At the time I felt overwhelmed and exhausted, in some moments lonely too. John - the guy in the shop, held space for me to vent and conjure up a plan of how I was able to get myself up and out of my rut. John left and I felt a heap lighter, happier and warmed having encountered such a caring guy.

Days later, John calls the store. The pair of shoes I had sent from another store had arrived at his home and ended up being one size 11 foot and the other a 10, along with informing me of this, he also further extended his aroha and care by gifting my baby and I $2000 to help me out saying “You will never hear from me again, I don’t want to come off creepy it’s just I have the finance and I want to help where I can”. I accepted and invited him to breakfast that Sunday to give thanks.  

Sunday came, we had breakfast and departed our separate ways, he off to walk his dog and me off to get coffee with another customer whom I’d had a very warm and enlightened koorero with that same week. He reminded me of my Paapaa, Andrew, so it felt comfortable and natural to have coffee with him. This coffee date lasted 4hrs, we spoke of life, beliefs, religion and God.

I have always been rather sceptical and closed to people of religion having been rejected from church as a young teenager due to my ‘rebellious’ nature - I would perhaps describe myself as non-conforming and closed off to outsiders until comfortable and a having feeling of safety to be open..  I spent the rest of life after leaving Church working to look everywhere else of spirituality but Christianity for Christians reminded me of corny, happy go lucky type people who were never able to cope with life so adopted a God as a crutch and a Bible to tell them what to do and who to be instead of enduring a life of experience filled with trials and *error* to cultivate oneself.

Anyway, all the discussion prior to Ken mentioning he was Christian went out the window and I felt him being Christian completely discredited the past 3.5hrs discussion. He wound up encouraging me to reach out to the Lord Jesus Christ and ask him “Lord, Christian God if you are true and real please do something and reveal yourself”, so we completed our coffee and went our separate ways.

I sat in my car rolled my eyes and stubbornly requested “Aaaaalright God, Jesus Christ if you are real please reveal yourself”, through the afternoon I gained small gestures and signs, nothing that had me feeling sure and grounded in belief, however slightly excited and intrigued.

It was that evening John text and said “All the best Anahera and Lochlynn-Bliss, do not be alarmed if I text in 3months or 3years to check in on how you are going, I wish you the absolute best also #neverforgetAnaherajesuslovesyou”

I stared at my phone in disbelief, laughing and stuttering trying to explain everything to my brother. I couldn’t believe it.  

From that day forward I have had blessing after blessing, lesson after lesson and have entirely opened my heart to the Lord and committed my life to following him and his word, yesterday 03/02/21 the photo above is me stepping out of my baptism. This time has been a coming back and forth between God, his grace and myself - continuing to try remove the skepticism, the more I became open, patient and read the word the more our relationship grew and my faith and trust grounded within Him. 

I was always so sceptical to read the Bible and have this book act as a mirror, as a standard of accountability. You see the advice given within is somewhat commonsense, however it’s always a question of, do you want the best for yourself? or is self-sabotaging still the finest route, continuing to do as one pleases in the name of life experience and trial and *error*.  

Shall we continue to give thanks to ‘the universe’ that holds no characteristic, no moral compass or beliefs? A type of God or life force that we can flick the switch on and off from our reality, or shall we begin to give thanks to and build relationship with the character, the creator that expresses self through all personalities, all nature that exist, all beauty and darkness too.

He communicates with you as much as you are open to being communicated with

[anaheraimaaka]

The more you embody aroha - love, implement boundaries and uphold a level of respect and honour of self and toward others ~ the more your polar opposite begins to set in space and place before you.

Your seasons of trials ~ are the mere opportunities to show up the version of self that has cultivated and able to endure the trials of events and people at hand. The opportunity to level up and practice your kōrero - talk, embody your affirmations ~ not allow the trials to diminish self, but add value of experience, of hardship to further improve and cultivate strength and resilience, whilst maintaining soft, graceful and vulnerable ~ can be easy to fall from grace and turn hard and bitter through your hurt ~ your pain justifies your decision to turn cold ~ it is however only you that must rise daily to the discomfort of cold that is you

It’s a strange yet familiar concept that people who witness the thriving of others have a tendency to minimize and discourage those successors ~ tall poppy syndrome ~ the syndrome of discomfort exerted toward those who highlight the inner and outer mahi that you choose to not do, that you choose to replace with complaint, with negativity, with mindset that keeps one stagnant and hating, stagnant and depressed, stagnant and unhappy.

Let us see the successors as an unveiling to potential of self. Remove ourselves from the comparative mindset ~ to be seated within mind of comparison, comparing life, circumstances, comparing self to another ~ we’ve tredded alternative pathways, endured alternative seasons of trials, we’ve acquired alternative perceptions and interpretations of self ~ of one another ~ of life. Let us use our experiences to express the uniqueness that is us, express your mauri - life force in ways that allow you lighter, allow you freedom of pain, allow you benefit and success ~ don’t allow experiences gifted to you, be what breaks and works against you

It worries me stepping in to light, stepping into courage, obidience to the greater good, to the righteous path ~ there are people having their shadows reflected back to them ~ it pisses them off to have someone reveal their potential they so freely refuse and deny ~ they begin to make their insecurities my problem by treating me through a lens of envy, of jealousy and hate ~ indulging in kōrero that demonises and diminishes my character ~ it shouldn’t matter, but I feel the energy and seek to implement more protection practices so the negative messages sent via telepathy are tuned out entirely. It is however this telepathic tendency that allows me deeper knowledge of the intentions behind the kind yet fraudulent faces that appear in my pathway. To be aligned to self, is to be aligned to the outer world, feeling and seeing the misalignments in ones thoughts, words, actions toward me ~ you say one thing, i feel the intent behind it ~ you sit behind your screen, i feel your indirect upset to me, meant for you ~ tipuna whisper “implement space between you and other my moko”.

It doesn’t so much worry me for me, but more so the others who are so intent and deeply rooted in wasting their time, time spent indulging in gossip. Your words, expression of emotions created by the words used to enforce negativity, are the tools in which we unknowingly utilise to create our present and future ~ a fact many avoid or ignore ~ the embracing of this fact would mean holding self accountable to our loose tongues, negative minds ~ accountability of selves bullshit is what you’re running from, spending time hating on anyone who reflects the lack of accountability you gift - steal away from yourself

You will shift realities when you cultivate the courage to shift thinking patterns ~ remove those whānau, friends and neighbours who place self within alternative and conflicting belief systems and thought patterns to aroha, mana, manaakitanga, whanaungatanga, kaitiakitanga

Speak kind to self ~ listen to how other speak to you ~ feel how they speak of you

Feel the energy behind the facade

Start listening to how others make you feel, follow what feels wholesome, implement space between self and that which feels uneasy ~ offering a kind space of rise or loving emptiness between self and other

You matter, it matters to enhance one selves mauri, to nurture your mauri, to cultivate and exert the ataahua ahua of you

Main point: don’t care what others think of u, they will spiral downward through their ignorance and you will spiral upward through your progressive and kind, loving nature - prepare yourself to constantly revise and switch things and people around in your life. Be intelligent, diligent and wise of who you share yourself, space and time with.

Kia kaha e hoa ma 🌅

[anaheraimaaka]

A lack of self-discipline is a lack of self-respect 

Know what you deserve and stick to it 

Align your thought - words - actions 

Create, design and build an intentional life

Take accountability for yourself 

Change your mindset, change your life 

Identify the belief patterns that you continue to embrace that are not positively serving you 

Surround yourself around people who align to your future, not your past

If loneliness comes from having no one who reflects your future, self-discipline e te whānau, loneliness is what you need for the moment. People will flow through like a breath of fresh air 

There are actions, words spoken and thoughts you continue to feed that are preventing you from becoming your fullest potential

Stop standing in your own way 

It is a beautiful day to strip away that which is not you and enhance more of the beauty and greatness that is nestled within 

Kia pai tō rā 🦋

[anaheraimaaka]

Jet Away

17 left school booked a 1-way flight to Gold Coast, Australia.

Fake ID, grow up, glow up, party, drugs, sex. 18 in love, the game, the game, play, have fun, be free, wild out, friendship, heartbreak, pain, inescapable hurt, get me out.

Shifting and shaping, exploring the surrounding, interacting, observing and indulging in new culture, people, drama, mind broadening and life altering substances, lifestyle.

The chaos drew me in and away I went, curious and hungry, I had a lust for life and all the drama it brought with it.

You

No good from the start but when a lesson is ignored it only becomes reoccurring and ongoing.

My flat, back yard, party.

Tattoos, all over, it’s you, eyes, eyes, smile, first moment, your laugh, just dropped, coming up, I feel you, steps closer, heart faster.

The introduction.

Quick hi, phone out ignore you.

The pull strong from the start. Lure, chase, dance floor, hello, next moment, you know, the bathroom we go.

It was thrill from the start, perhaps the perfect balance of excitement, growth and heartbreak in one. A love that held my hand through the reflection of damaged love from way back.

This relationship was the beginning of understanding the true impacts of my childhood trauma.

Trying to figure out the correlation between childhood and relationships in adulthood?

Third ingredient: BELIEF SYSTEMS

Your perception of the most impactful, reinforced and reoccurring events that have taken place throughout your childhood are the template you download for your future interactions.

The way you were treated and spoken to as a child are the creation, the moulding of your belief systems in how you are taught you deserve to be treated, spoken to and interacted with.

The way your whānau dealt with and handled conflict and confrontation The way your whānau celebrated their wins, their high moments

Once having these standards, morals and values modelled to you throughout childhood by your guardians, community, peers, toward one another and toward you, we then go out in to the big world and create interactions that affirm our belief systems we have downloaded through observation of interaction and surrounding.

I learned everyone you interact with, you do because you believe they are worthy of your time. Whether that is consciously or not, willingly or begrudgingly, you make the choice to interact with these people. Once your belief systems is upgraded through consciously redesigning and setting intention and laws of interaction to protect your energy and space, you will notice people shift in to and out of your life to appropriately reflect your belief system.

Your way of being starts to shift, you begin reinforcing laws of interaction and standard of yourself, toward yourself. You are moving from a space where you respect others and require others to respect you. Building the ability to trust yourself to reinforce your new belief systems of how you deserve to be treated and interacted with. Once you can trust yourself to reinforce your laws, you release the need to move from a space of survival, habit and fear - to trust, instinctual and knowledge of self - I am the creator of my reality knowledge.

In this sense, you attract those who reflect you. (Me:) Who naturally abide and carry themselves with pride through their flow of morals and value, the slick, intelligent, well gathered, leader type. Bumping paths, tangled in telepathy I hear you thinking of me, I feel your intentions, I see what I do to you.

Gaylord

The confusion caused by the friction of craving someone who is loud and clear no good for me, took over me, altered me, it overwhelmed me.

My first heartbreak, my first love

You stimulated growth, a shift in perception, deeper understanding of life, stronger sense of self, resilience and a big fuck off blue print to what I don’t want my future relationships to look like

We grew, we crashed, we burned. You were the first man to have me close, and I was the first lady to get that close

Head on the highway, dropping molly swimming with dolphins, motorbikes, speed, adventure, drama, thrill, sex, love, lust, sex, sex, tears, laughs, drugs, party, growing, crash, fall, get up, understand me, help me, save me, love me.

We both entered the relationship unknowingly broken and bruised from life before the night you walked in and we changed everything – butterfly effect

The more I needed you by my side, the more my curiosity grew as to what it was you had, that I couldn’t provide myself, why did I compromise my self- worth, break my own vows to keep you around?

My subconscious mind weighed up the impact of pain, having you near or far? The lesser pain was enduring your causal pain toward me, the after effects of that, whilst having you close – a love suicide if you will.

I shifted in to a new space of self-awareness shining focus on my self- sabotaging choices and how I was putting myself in harms way to keep you near. As I type this section, I hear my past disappointment and judgment echoing to the forefront of my mind over the desperation and weakness I held for you.. I felt weak and desperate for your love, forever in efforts to escape the emptiness that became apparent when your distraction separated from my space for the brief moments of time. We turned to the game of distraction, the game of promiscuity, and what a fun game that was – we played that quite well didn’t we, together and solo.. very raunchy baby.

DISCLAIMER: I do not encourage, nor do I condone the following behaviour.

I was out for the evening with the ladies; Edward and I had recently separated. I was drunk and had been calling him; he wouldn’t answer and kept hanging his line up. I decided to take off home, I was far too intoxicated and the alcohol enhanced my desire to be with Edward again (perhaps the following decision will indicate the level of intoxication or crazy, you decide), I get a taxi to Edward’s apartment and pay the driver $20 to lift me up on to the apartments first story roof, telling him “I’ve lost my keys and need help getting through the side sliding door” – I’m convinced at this point Edward was with someone else, so I’m mentally and drunkenly preparing myself to confront a lady to leave the house so I can get some sleep. I do remember saying aloud “you know what, I won’t be a dick – she can get on the couch..” laughing out loud at my generosity and consideration.

I flip and fall over the rail, get to the side sliding door, fling that shit open – the rooms empty. I vomit in the toilet, have a shower, get in to bed and crash out.

Couple hours later..

I rise, it’s daylight, my eyes open, groggy as shit, head is pounding, I realize where the fuck I am, get out of bed, still drunk, in full fucking panic mode, calling a taxi, making the bed, cleaning his space before he rocks on home and asks wtf I’m doing and how.. so I rax an outfit and his slippers and away I go.

An example of ‘where there is a will, there is a way’.

A few weeks later we were texting I told him the above, he didn’t believe me – I asked, “where are your slippers?”

The pain, the emptiness you feel when someone’s position within your life is no longer, is not the absence of themselves from your life, but the reflection of space within that is requiring your awareness, your time, your focus, attention, empathy, it’s a space that requires your nurturing care.

Can one really take away from you? Or is that an illusion? Maybe the idea that anything is missing from you at any point in time is an illusion.

I believed you were my one, my other half, always asking myself how much bullshit must a couple go through before they both submitted to the comfort and safety of together forever – an idea inconceivable to the broken and uncommitted – us.

Still 4 years in to our love tornado of bullshit, you asked and I screamed “yes”

Both knowing deep within - it’s never going to work we packed our lives up in Gold Coast and flew to Melbourne.

Trapped in my mind were the events of you fucking around leaving me the unwanted gift of Chlamydia

Trapped in your mind was Anahera on her knees loving on batman in her workplace changerooms

We’d damaged the sacred waters between you and I long before you asked “Baby will you marry me”.

3 weeks in to Melbourne, life brought us to a crossroad and we decided lets escape this horror of confusion – you cheated.. again – I thought fuck this.. again. Packed my shit and embarked seriously (this time) on a journey of letting you go and finding myself entirely. Honestly, a path I had been preparing myself for since months in to us dating – never gathering the courage to leave on my own terms I awaited your last fuck up knowing that would excuse me from this relationshit

And that was that

I drove away from 4 years of bullshit and innocent love of two brokens trying to fix and distract the pain that became more apparent when we were separate – when we were alone. I had to figure this shit out – life without the love of my life.. so far

I start this book off with my first heartbreak because life up until that point was about not feeling the hurt I had endured prior to life with Edward

Never did I want to look at or think about the emotional and mental effects of the sexual abuse, physical violence, drug and alcohol abuse that unveiled itself throughout childhood

My heartbreak was the first force of feeling, an inescapable hurting I needed to cure in order to stop. Edward broke my heart at the start of our relationship – the following 4 years consisted of me running back and forth between myself and Edward. Could I do this? Could I not?

I did it, and in feeling this heartbreak was a gateway opened for me to feel the rest of mamae I had buried within, never having had the safe space within to unpack my hurt. I had a new found knowledge of self that allowed me the emotional intelligence to navigate myself through life and the shit it had put in my path to cultivate the strong, brave, courageous and intelligent lady I am today.

[anaheraimaaka]

Sexual Abuse

Sexual Abuse – the traumatic experience that has affected far too much of myself and far too many of my brothers and sisters.

Currently in the space of unpacking the whakapapa of this taniwha within my whānau, I sit here ready and willing to share the experience of breaking the curse, the cycle, the dismantling of characteristics attached to the continuation of this evil.

What does it look like to end this cycle? What does it feel like? What does it sound? And finally, where do I go from here?

Sexual abuse is a kaupapa that has attached to it the wairua of evil, the air that says shush, the shame that assists in turning a blind eye. It is a kaupapa that many prefer to not converse over, that many prefer to tip toe around, it is a kaupapa that has either directly or indirectly affected us throughout our time here together.

What it looks like to end this cycle is an embodiment of courage, of bravery, of mana, it is an embodiment of aroha. It is understanding the intensity of impact this evil has on us as people. It looks like standing tuturu in your truth and allowing no one deter you from your path of righteousness.

My experience has caused divide within my whānau, a divide I willingly allow to take place for the righteous continuation of my line of offspring, for my pepi, for my mokopuna, a divide that only benefits my tamariki who gracefully embark the safe space I have lay out for them to live fruitfully, healthily, peacefully and safely thrive.

This experience has strengthened my alignment to Io, to be a child who is obedient in the face of evil, a child understanding of the strength and power she walks in and with – all praise to Io and gratitude to ngā tipuna. When the going gets tough and evil confronts you for disrupting its cycle, it is God within you, tipuna guiding who gifts the necessary strength to stand up straight, chin up, shoulders back – now breath life – go my moko, you are ready.

Breaking the cycle of abuse that creeps between the trust we gift those to care for and love us innocently and purely looks like taking our trust back and placing the trust within our boundaries, that those we interact with must adhere to in order to unlock the trust necessary to evolve a strong, trusting, honorable and respectful space shared.

“But... I was a little girl, helpless, and he was my Dad, and I was alone – with no one to stop it from happening”.

It is this heartbreak, this mamae that fuels me. It is the spaces where ‘too late’ exists that motivate me to write, to type, to share, to stand staunch, to speak and to show up when it most matters. It sparks fire in my soul to ensure this path of disentangling the discernment of right and wrong, to type to make clear, to articulate smoothly the necessary to put a stop to this evil taniwha.

Breaking the cycle looks like holding space for our whānau who have endured the traumatic experience of innocence stolen. It looks like practicing your understanding of the intensity of impact this evil act has had on they who is speaking. It is being quiet – being silent – upholding a non-judgmental face and space for the stored emotions attached to the words spoken to seep through and express in order to feel and let go. It is not speaking solution, it is allowing the person to untangle, offload and ask questions when they are ready to hear your voice of comfort, your voice of input. It looks like not making the experience related to you or how you feel and allowing this person healing through your space holding of silence, allowing them space to share without interference, without a person filling the space with their interpretation, their perspective.

To hold space is to sit silently, to hold space whilst the emotions pour through. To show they are loved, supported and cared for through the space of silence, where you silently express the point ‘you are worthy of being heard, of healing and this is the safe space where you are heard, and loved – even after sharing.

What does it feel like to end this cycle? I feel conflicted within, whilst staunch and strong in the path I have chosen to embark, I am conflicted because I have separated myself from the only whānau I have known and loved. I feel conflicted because it is them I envisioned creating and binding my offspring around, however as I contemplate the whānau values, morals and belief systems that have been made clear through this experience – I reflect and know within that my children deserve entire safety and entire security and it is through aligning myself around whānau and friends with shared morals, values and beliefs systems that will encourage the continuing of this perspective I share today ‘ the ending of sexual abuse within whānau’ and the ensuring of security and safety for all my children.

This experience feels both liberating and daunting, both strengthening and dismantling. It is courageous, it is bold, I am Mana Wāhine. Although the sadness pours through me for the loss and separation I have caused and enforce, I see my future brighter, more successful, more fulfilling and more secure. I will not feel guilt, shame or prolonged sadness as my heart and doors are always open to those who are willing to rise to the kaupapa and be on board whole heartedly – until then within the space implemented between you and I, my love exists, my warmth too.

This experience has allowed me to utilize my shadow self effectively, to create clear discernment of what I live for, and what I die for. It has meant facing my fears and conquering them. It feels empowering to walk the path of righteousness, despite the projection of hurt, confusion and upset placed upon me – without a moment to stick, the light that is me reflects the horror back toward the sender of energy – through the grace of God, it all falls away with no effect.  

Ending this cycle sounds like having the hard to have korero. It sounds like communicating boundaries with our whānau. It sounds like holding whānau accountable. It sounds like clear and intentional communication of who bathes, clothes, changes nappies. It sounds like intentional and conscious korero and thought of who our children are left alone with.

It sounds like communicating no doors closed when you have manuhiri. It sounds like telling whānau not to awhi our pepi until they are ready to initiate affection. Do not desensitize your tamariki to good and bad touch by forcing your tamariki to kiss and awhi whānau, they will when and if they are ready to put themselves in that intimate space with another through their senses of safety. It sounds like korero with our children, educating them specifically what is appropriate and what is not. It sounds like roleplaying and showing examples of how to effectively communicate their discomfort. It sounds like educating and permitting our tamariki with confidence to enforce they are not comfortable with someone’s touch, with their presence, to have the courage to speak up and out and as parents it looks like respecting and honoring our children’s interpretation of people and adhering to their comfort levels and responding appropriately and empathetically.

It is a korero that teaches them they are safe to speak up when they have been abused – creating open line communication and comfortability with doing so. It is communicating with whānau who and where children are to be spending nights.

Ending this vicious cycle sounds like speaking up and out, even in the face of resistance. It is a korero that is NOT to be shut up and shut out.

Ending this abusive cycle is keeping our tamariki AWAY from the known abusers.

Ending this cycle is creating a new norm where security is placed first and foremost. Leave no space for our tamariki to be sexually traumatized, it is our job to enforce and revise our plan of protection. It is our job to protect.

From here I commit myself to confronting the rape culture that is reinforced daily toward our children. From here I refuse to allow our tāne speak disgustingly toward our wāhine for the exposure of their tinana, from here I educate both tāne and wāhine that our naked bodies are to be honored from childhood throughout adulthood.

From here I confront you of your ill belief systems that you project on to one another creating suppression and discomfort. From here I commit myself to uplifting our tāne to speak up and speak out, to protect and create space for our whānau to be safe. I encourage our tāne to hold their brothers accountable for the level of respect they view our kuia, our mothers, our sisters, our daughters, our sons with. From here I empower our wāhine to stand tuturu in themselves, to cultivate the courage to reinforce boundaries and protection. From here I actively advocate against sexual abuse using my platform, my words of intelligence to enlighten and educate on how we as a community and a whānau can prevent this taniwha from creeping in to our whare by being conscious and aware of the decisions we make. From here I intend on holding space for victims to share, to feel, to let go, to heal. From here I stand in solidarity with all victims, making a commitment to free the trapped child within seeking for an outlet, for help, for healing.  

From here I commit my life to the greater good.

Ehara tāku toa I te toa takitahi, engari he toa takitini