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[anakwardhouse]

fucked.

I married Amelia and the Army moved me across the ocean.

Everything is fucked.  She’s falling apart, I’m falling apart.  Her drinking is tearing us apart and I don’t know what to do anymore.

She drinks and makes stupid fucking choices and I keep forgiving her.  I don’t know at what point I need to stand up for myself.

She drinks and does dumb shit, then hurts herself.  It’s a violent painful revolving door, I’m on one side always spin around trying to catch her.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  We have another 2.5 years apart, she’s supposed to deploy.  She’s not stable, she’s not sane and she has a severe drinking problem.  I’m not sure she will be around after 2.5 years, or even her deployment.

Everything was going great.  I can’t help but think it’s all my fault.  I changed jobs and it forced me to relocate and because of that, I’m on a small base in another country and there is no opening for her here.

I’m devastated, it seems like every day things get worse and worse.  Everything was perfect, a match made in heaven before I left.  Then i left and she turns into another person, coping with alcohol and hurting herself.  

She’s not the same girl I married, she’s not the same person I fell in love with and it’s incredibly painful to have to sit back and watch this happen from so far away.

[anakwardhouse]

Am I outta my head, am I outta my mind?

What a fucking roller coaster.  Amelia, is without a doubt the love of my life.  I would marry her tomorrow if that were an option.  Why?  Because while a lot of people say that marriage doesn’t fix relationships when they are rocky, I one hundred percent know that it would fix us.

When we’re together, we’re unstoppable, nothing ever got in between us and we never have one single issue.  Since I’ve left, it’s been nothing but an uphill struggle.  Her drinking has lead her to do things that she regrets, things that have put our relationship on edge.  But it also puts me in a pickle and I’m left telling her I’m sorry for what she has done to us in the end.

I don’t want her to sit in her room alone with her thoughts, depressed, sad, and lonely because I’m not there.  I want her to go out, laugh, have fun, do things, be social.  Well, she insists on only hanging out with one group of people and this stresses me out immensely.  Out of the group of five guys, she’s already had incidents with two of them, yet she still regularly hangs out with them.  Despite what emotional toll her actions have taken on us both, they are her only “friends”.  Because of this, I can’t tell her not to hangout with them.  If I do, I look like the controlling, jealous boyfriend who is condemning his girlfriend that he is 16 hours away from, to her room.  I’m not that guy, I don’t want to be that guy. 

She keeps making terrible mistakes and I keep having to forgive her.  I can’t go through life without her and at this point I’m incredibly dependent on her to keep me sane and happy.  I have an addiction to her that isn’t healthy and it blinds me from being able to see all the fucked up shit going on.  I mean I see it, I just ignore it.

It’s just eating at me.  Three more year I’m going to be away.  I have no fucking clue how I’m going to handle this, absolutely no idea.  I don’t just want this to work, I need it to work.  I’m just not sure if she’s going to come around and get it together.

[anakwardhouse]

Answered fears.

When I left...  before I left, I had a terrible gut feeling.  That terrible feeling is a fear and I had to face it the other day.

Amelia has a drinking problem.  She has for a while now, but since we were together all the time for the last 2.5 years, there really was never any issues.  When she drinks she gets flirty, handsy, inhibitions go out the window, and things just seem to happen.  This is fine when we’re together, obviously I don’t mind it at all.

But I left.  I left knowing that she had this problem and that her drinking lead to this. 

But I left.  I left her with a small group of people, all of which guys, that I thought I could trust her with.

But I left.  I left her and my fears came true.  After reassuring just days before that I have nothing to worry about, that these are work friends, they are just friends and nothing will happen because she wont let it.  Something happened.  She got drunk, it got late and tensions grew.  He kissed her.  She says that she stopped it there.

But I left.  I left knowing that if something were to happen, I would most likely never get the entire story.  I thought it was just a botched kiss.  She later told me she got handsy, he got handsy.  Sure she told me some minor details, but how do I know it’s everything?  How do I know I really know that full extent of what happened.

But I left.  I left not expecting she would pass out and wake up in someone else’s bed besides mine or her own.

I’m trying to move on, I’m trying to put this behind us.  I don’t know if I can, I don’t know that she would if it was me that did what she did.

[anakwardhouse]

Chapter 2: A new journey.

First things first, things have been great. Amelia and I are great, life has been fantastic. I couldn’t ask for more.

I’m going to be risking all that very soon. I’m leaving my comfortable life and great relationship to further my career. I feel like it’s selfish, making such a drastic change and upending everything in my life. I feel like I’m abandoning Amelia. 

I’m switching careers and the path it’s taking me is far away from her. I’ll be moving from CO to AZ and come May I’ll be moving to Japan for 3 years. Amelia will be staying here in CO and visiting in Japan when she can. 

I’m honestly not sure if it’ll work out, 3 years and that much distance is super shitty. I hope it works out, but I’m being a realist. I’m not sure it will. 

I have a feeling I’ll be back here soon.

[anakwardhouse]

All good things come in time.

Patience. 

It’s been over a year, a really difficult, inspiring and meaningful year that I’ve known Amelia. 

Now she’s all mine. 

She’s loved me for a while and now hearing it and her showing it means everything. Just the way she holds my hand when I drive, the little thing she can now show me. I’m absolutely positively sure I’ll die happy now.

As long as I’m miserable, depressed and need to vent I’ll post on this account.

I really think posting here is going to be severely limited.

It’s been about 4 years I’ve been logging my thoughts and I think from here on out, I’ll just talk to Amelia. 

[anakwardhouse]

30 MAY

It’s been a little over a year since I’ve know “Amelia”. It’s always been a little different with her. 

Amelia has been dating the same boy for almost 6 years now. She has what seems to be stockholm syndrome, she doesn’t know anything besides what it’s like to be with him. She also feels like that for some reason she deserves to be in a toxic, miserable and a dead end relationship. He may say he loves her but his actions say otherwise.

Despite all this, we have grown closer and closer as time has gone on. In our year together, we’ve been through way more than I could have imagined. She’s been through things that no one should have ever in their life have to experience. 

All I want is for her to be happy. She’s beautiful, she’s funny, she is the person I would drop everything for.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

I think she loves me. I know she does. She feels the same way about me that I feel about her. She’s scared to leave her boyfriend, even tho she knows I have more to offer her in life. I’m scared that if she never leaves him, she’ll go back to a toxic life full of negativity and she wont survive. 

I’m just rambling.

I want to grow old with her. I want her to show her what it’s like to be loved and treated like she’s the last girl left in the world. 

Her boyfriend forgot her birthday.

I can’t wait to celebrate this weekend with her.

[anakwardhouse]

Take my body, take my body.

As long as I’m depressed, alone and unstable I will continue to post here. It’s my only outlet.

I’m a huge hypocrite. I advocate for happiness, I always carry a smile no matter where I am or what situation I find myself in. I push people to better themselves and do the right thing. I pinky promised someone that they wouldn’t hurt themselves anymore. I might not be physically harming myself, but the mental defeat is much worse.

I thought I found my soul mate. That one person that really understood me, that made me happy day in and day out. I guess again, I was wrong.

It’s been a long 26 years. It’s been up and down. More so down. It’s getting harder and harder to believe in anything anymore. 

I will not settle. I will die alone with no one by my side before I settle for someone who wont make me happy day in and day out. Call it stubborn but I will not do that to myself.

[anakwardhouse]

Descent.

So this might be it. This might be the coaster coming down from the top and falling apart because it plummeted so fast.

Everything slowly came undone, like the bolts falling off the roller coaster and the pieces collapsed behind it like in the movies. There is no going back, what is done is done.

She came to CO to find a new place to call home. I thought, with the utmost certainty that she would be calling the Springs her home. She talked about how excited she was to come here, to see me, to see the area and the places to live.

In my gut, I knew it wouldn’t be that easy. I tried to get her to come here the entire week, never making it to Steamboat. I was worried she would find a comfort being back where she grew up. I couldn’t have been any more right in my assumptions. She got there and from the minute she arrived I knew she didn’t want to leave and wanted to place her roots there. The friends, the family, the comfort in being home. It was an overall better situation and I’m glad it’s what she has found. 

I still had hope, a small glimmer of hope she would change her mind or come down here...

She said she’d be here Wednesday. 

.....She found a job.

She said she’d try to get here Thursday.

.....She found a place to live.

Just like that, everything falls apart around you. You wonder if there was more you could have done, more you could have said, more you could have offered. What could I have done differently, it seemed all so sure and certain. Now there is no hope, no nothing. 

I’m just back to being alone with no end in site. I feel empty, hollow and like this is a never ending cycle.

[anakwardhouse]

Prescit.

The roller coaster keeps climbing but no one is wearing seat belts and when this thing peaks and starts to plummet, we’re all in trouble.

I met Nevada. She is as amazing as I expected. She’s incredibly sweet and super cute. Before meeting her, I wasn’t exactly sure if the things I was feeling were justified. Now, I’m certain. 

It hard because of how she feels. She’s scared to be in a relationship, she’s worried she’s “dumping” all her problems on me. I don’t see it like that. I never have. I see it as me having an opportunity to have a positive impact in someones life that I care about. I want everything to work out when she gets here because her life is like a crumbling bridge, with each step she takes everything is falling out from under her. She can’t go back, she can only move forward and I want to be there. 

I’m not sure what’ll happen when she comes here in two weeks. I hope she finds happiness here and if possible with me.

[anakwardhouse]

779 Miles.

The last month has been a roller coaster that I’m scared hasn’t started to come down yet. 

Work has been, progressive? I passed my promotion board, which for me is huge. I never thought I’d even waste my time attempting to go. I’m excelling my current position, which has me doing the duties of someone 3 ranks above me. Overall things are good, it makes life easier.

JAH is alive. She messaged me out of the blue one day. It was extremely difficult to talk to her. Thinking about the way she made me feel, it was rough. At least I know she is alive and doing okay.

Nevada. This girl. This is where the roller coaster keeps climbing or it starts to plummet. I’m going south to see family at the end of the month and coincidentally it’s near her. It’s also going to be her birthday and the first time we meet. I absolutely adore her, she has been overly supportive and just flat out amazing. I’m just worried, even tho she says other wise- that she isn’t into me the way I’m into her. I’ve never felt so emotionally invested in someone I’ve never met before. I have a connection with her that’s unreal and I really hope when we meet the feelings become mutual. I hope everything works out, I hope she moves here, finds an awesome jobs and falls for me. She’s one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met and will forever have my attention, if I can only fully get hers. 

If things don’t work out, it’s going to be weird for me. I have this idea that she is the one I could grow old with. It’s not like with JAH, where I didn’t feel that connection instantly and she grew on me. With Nevada it was like, holy shit- hurry up and get into my life and never leave. I have a desire to be with someone like never before.

Either this roller coaster keeps on moving up or it takes a sharp nose dive at the end of the month.

[anakwardhouse]

Cheshire Cat

No matter what happens in life, it will go on. There will be people who don’t know about your checkered past and the mistakes you made. They’ll appreciate you for who you are and who you make yourself out to be.

They wont know all the things that made you who you are today, they just know you are who you are.

They don’t have to know these things, unless you tell them..but you wont, because you want a fresh start. 

I still think about JAH. A lot. That last phone call we had late on the night of February 2nd, really really impacted me and made reevaluate how I behaved in our months together. Was everything entirely my fault? No. Could I have been better to her? Certainly. 

No matter what happens in life, it will go on and someone else will pick up your pieces. Someone else will make you feel whole again and someone else will make you feel important.

Maybe that someone will be Nevada. Only time will tell, as it always has.

[anakwardhouse]

Simple math, that’s how our bodies even got here.

It’s eating at me. I haven’t heard from JAH since the 2nd. I’m sure she’s fine, I’m sure she’s moved on, I’m willing to be she’s even found someone to appreciate her- the way I should have.

Here I am, with her on my mind. I can’t help it, I can’t get over her. It’s going to take some time and I didn’t realize how much she had really impacted me. Our last phone call devastated me. It really made me reevaluate a lot of choices I made and it really changed the way I’ll handle situations forthcoming. 

I miss the fuck out of her, every little detail of her I miss tremendously. 

[anakwardhouse]

I deserve to die alone. I've destroyed someone's life, that loved and cared about me. I didn't see what I was doing was wrong and that's the worst part. Now I'm too late and she's going away, I'm not sure if I'll ever hear from her again. I don't ever want another person to ever care about me the way she did again. I don't deserve it.

[anakwardhouse]

Until you walked into a wall.

The more I feel like I’m gonna lose her, the more I feel like I should go running back. 

At this point, she’s pretty much gone and now I miss the ever living fuck out of her. She wasn’t that bad. Yeah she was a little crazy, but it’s 2016- who isn’t? I really think I had it better then I realized. 

I don’t think I should let her go. I think I could really make it work and I think in the long run it would be okay and everyone would win. 

I’m getting older, I don’t have much going for me and I found someone that really loves me.. I never thought that would happen. 

I think I may have fucked up one too many times tho. I’m so torn on what to do. 

[anakwardhouse]

We all believed in ghosts

There is nothing worse in the entire world then feeling alone and feeling like you’ll die alone.

For those brief moments when you have someone that cares about you, it changes everything. You don’t have to pretend to be happy, because you are.

But we can’t always be happy and we can’t always be loved.

[anakwardhouse]

Fuck fuckfuck fuckfuck.

There was this other girl.

I thought she was bat shit crazy.

But I didn’t realize how much she appreciated me until she was gone.

I’m trying to fix things

But I think I’m out of time.

Fuck.

[anakwardhouse]

Liar.

It’s been a while. Thing have been mediocre at best. I haven’t really felt a need to sit down and write anything here. But it’s times like these I just need to.

Why me? Why do ALWAYS end up getting fucking destroyed in a relationship or a potential one. 

I met a girl last Sunday, we talked all Sunday and Monday and hung out Tuesday night. It was fan-fucking-tastic. We have a ton of common interests, we had some good deep talks and she said she was interested in seeing where things went. Fuck, yes. Finally. We continued to have some meaningful and playful conversations. 

We had plans for Friday. She said she had a long day at work and wanted to go home and decompress. I said, not an issue, you have to do what you need to do. I genuinely didn’t mind at all. Saturday, she had plans that she made prior to us meeting, again- no biggy.

Sunday we made plans to go out to dinner after work with a buddy of mine from work and his wife. When Sunday rolled around, I didn’t even bring it up. She worked from 8-7 and I knew she was tired from the night before. I was however hoping to to see her. She said she forgot all about her final exams on Monday and Tuesday- she wanted to study. Alright, this is fine. I can’t at all be upset about that, I completely understood.

Today. Here we are today. I’m at work, conversing with people about the weekend. I mention that I was hanging out with a girl whom I thought was really fucking cool. A joke was made about how awesome it is to date girls who can’t get onto base, so they can’t track us down. I said, she worked on base so I was outta luck. Right then, a good buddy says, “Are you talking about Pred? Bro she just left my house last night.” My stomach dropped. No way were we talking about the same person..We pulled out our phones and compared phone numbers- it was. 

My heart sunk, I felt sick to my stomach. Why would someone do this? After everything that was said, all the words mean nothing. Sure- we were dating, she can do whatever she wants. I found out they met on Thursday and by yesterday they had already fucked. What did I do wrong, why was I not good enough to keep this girl from looking for someone else. We even had lunch together Thursday. 

I don’t understand. I’m legitimately upset and devastated. At this point, I’m still talking to her. I’m just trying to make plans to hangout, so I can call her out on her bullshit.

It fucking hurts. I’ve been fucking depressed and not well for a while and now this. 

For fucks sake.