anatomic-adoration

[anatomic-adoration]

Semi-separated nuclei of two cells form a heart-to-heart shape. The nuclei were labeled by lamin.

By Di Lu (China)

Olympus Image Of The Year Award

[anatomic-adoration]

6/12/24

The plant didn't make it. I tried, I really did! I did a bunch of research, then when that didn't work I did more, and still nothing! Underwatering made roots start growing from the body(??) so I messaged an old friend from high school who said to add water and to pull out the new roots. That was... it was dead within a day. A day!

Despite that, I still have it in the window sill. A part of me is hoping I'm wrong about it dying. Seasonal plants are a thing, right? I bought it at the turning of the seasons, so maybe it was just bad timing. Tomorrow I'm going to go back to the shop with a picture of it to see if someone who actually works with plants has any insight.

On the bright side (literally) it's been gorgeous out. The warmer it gets the more energy I have! I've been walking to class and it's done wonders for my mental health. I wish lab could be outside too. Speaking of being outside, I've been out so much that I've got a few "regulars" I see like clockwork. There's this woman who's outside at 8pm gardening who I always say hi to, this couple (I'm assuming) who are always wearing matching hats and sunglasses no matter how sunny it is, and there's this person who I see walking in the opposite direction of me every time no matter where I see them. It's funny, I've been living over here for a couple years, but it isn't until now that I'm really feeling like I'm getting to know the area and the people.

We're all creatures of habit. Familiar schedules, familiar routes, and familiar neighbors (though I use the term to loosely describe anyone within around a five mile radius haha). There's something so charming about seeing people be themselves and live their individual lives.

Admittedly I've gotten a bit attached to the people I see. I've gone a bit out of my way- just a bit- out of curiosity about what they're up to. Mostly they're just on a normal walk, same as me, but sometimes they're going somewhere with intention.

By far the person I've seen the most is that guy from the coffee shop. We must have really similar taste and schedules! The poor guy probably thinks I've been following him with how much our paths have crossed. Because of that I've been trying to keep my distance so it doesn't look like I'm deliberately following him. I guess I kinda am, but I don't know; something about him just intrigues me. Maybe it's the juxtaposition of being punk while still clearly having anxiety? I don't just mean his body language (though the tense shoulders and the way his eyes flick about at small noises and movements is a dead giveaway). It's more the fact he looks simultaneously young and old. Not that I've looked that closely, but in the few times I've seen him up close the type of exhaustion that usually only comes from age is painted clear as day all over his face. I know I'm rambling, but there's just something that's making him stand out from the other people I've seen lately. He doesn't quite fit in, but why? Maybe the heat is getting to me. I need to occupy myself with something else before I keep myself up needlessly ruminating.

[anatomic-adoration]

3/31/24

It's been miserable. Every year I think I'll be fine- seasonal depression is just something I can will myself out of! And every year, around January, I'm proven dead wrong. I've been a shell of my usual self. Working, grocery shopping, and that's about it. It's been so cold I don't even want to leave the house. It can't be good for me to be such a shut in, but it's painful being outside for more than 5 minutes.

Today though, it was sunny, almost warm, and I was struck with a surprising amount of energy. I cleaned up the place a little before deciding to head out on the first walk I've had in awhile. I was just going to grab something from the coffee shop, but last minute went into the flower shop instead. I love plants, even if I can't keep them alive if you paid me. The place was a bit sparse, probably because of the weather, but it was still nice seeing a piece of nature that's still alive. I ended up buying a succulent. I've heard they thrive on neglect, so maybe I'll be able to keep this one alive. It's kinda nice having something depend on you. Between the rats and now this plant, I feel needed.

I kept it under my coat to protect it from the cold. This was better in theory than in practice though. When I got inside, a couple of the leaves caught on the fabric of my sweater and got pulled off. The stress also cracked the stem a bit. I'm gonna try and propagate the leaves, and I added a splint out of some twigs I grabbed from outside. Lemonade from lemons, right?

Fingers crossed we have an early spring and I get out of this slump. I haven't felt this awful in a long time.

[anatomic-adoration]

5/5/23

Everything is heavy. My limbs- weighed down with invisible sand bags, my eyes- desperate to close yet unable to stay shut, and my mind. God my mind. I hesitate to call it a headache. No, it's more like... a set of hands trapped within my head. I can feel them, pressing and squeezing my brain, slipping their fingers in between the wrinkles.

It's tempting to just give up. I'm behind in everything and falling exponentially further every day. The clean up is the worst part, having to stare my own failures in the face. Apologizing for factors beyond my control and desperately praying they take mercy and throw me a raft. I don't deserve it. It's obvious.

It's all piling up and what am I doing? Watching. Classwork is piling up, I haven't been into lab in days. The rats are hungry, they don't deserve the neglect I'm putting them through. I'm hungry too. I at least deserve it. Better get used to it before I lose my funding and end up on the streets. Yeah yeah I know that's being dramatic.

I don't know. Everything feels like a distant memory. Like a book I read years ago and the only thing I can remember is the emotion. Ugh, all I've done is speak in stupid, vague metaphors because that's the only way I can even attempt to relay how I feel.

I don't know. I just don't know. Like, I'm only emulating the feelings I once had. It feels wrong, like I'm stealing. No not even stealing, just pretending. Pretending to be someone who died long ago, and now I'm stuck with their life. I'm a fraud, and while I'm terrified of someone finding out, a part of me fears that no one ever will. The cruelty of watching friends and loved ones be none the wiser that the person they once cared about is gone.

God I don't even know what stupid shit I'm rambling about. I'm not myself. I'm me but I'm not me, yknow? Man even I don't know. I always think about taking matters into my own hands whenever this happens, but I'm weak. Maybe if I actually write it down, make it tangible, then I'll be able to actually do something once the energy comes back.

I should go feed my little friends. Writing this out at least sorted out that priority. It's nice having something to take care of. Easier than a plant, at least.

[anatomic-adoration]

8/5/23

There's been a lot of storms lately. It's been dry for weeks now so I'm sure the grass and trees are in heaven after such a long dry spell, but I miss the sun. I know I joke a lot about loving "the darkness" and being all edgy, but I really don't care for rain. All I can see are the dozens of ways a sprinkle can turn, with little to no warning, into a full blown disaster. I've been on edge, and I'm worried I'll take it out on someone who doesn't deserve it.

When I'm not in the lab, I've been spending a lot of time in the basement trying to ignore it. If something happens, at least I'm already in the safest place to be, right? It's not so bad. There's food and my favourite lemonade, some neon skull posters, a couple puzzles, books, the rats, and some of my old art supplies. Nothing much, just a half used sketchbook and one of those "ultimate artist packs" that has a bunch of charcoals (which I refuse to touch. Waaay too messy), a couple pencils ranging from soft to hard graphite, and those horribly dry markers that love to do their best rat impression as they squeak against the paper. I always meant to get rid of it, but I knew it was expensive and I guess I felt bad about throwing away something I could potentially salvage. Guess it worked out though, since now I've got a new way to pass the time.

I ended up sketching one of the boys. He just posed so nicely for me that I couldn't resist! I'm really out of practice, but I think it turned out pretty good considering :)

The rain finally lightened up and the second the sun came out I was back on my usual walking routes. I've grabbed a coffee or tea nearly every day, and without fail that same guy was always there! We obviously have really similar taste. I wonder if he gets the same thing every time or if he switches it up. Maybe next time I run into him I'll strike up a conversation.

[anatomic-adoration]

7/10/23

I can practically see the monkey's paw slowly curling up an old, shriveled finger. All the research I did wasn't enough, my rats get into EVERYTHING. I spent nearly an hour just trying to lure a mob of them out from inside a previously very full cabinet I store snacks in so I don't have to run upstairs to the kitchen in the middle of studying. One little guy ripped open my favorite bag of chips and all the other ones came scurrying over to feast. I had to rearrange everything again after cleaning up all the crumbs, so fingers crossed the basement is actually rat-proofed this time. Even without them getting into things, they're not exactly litter trained. They've been marking their scent all over the place and I can't stand the smell. Needless to say, I've been busy to the point it's practically meditative.

Fortunately the intrusive thoughts that plagued me the last few weeks are finally lightening up, though I've still got the stress of school on my shoulders. I need to present a project idea for developing my thesis and I keep coming up empty. It's a huge several year long endeavor so I refuse to settle on something I'm not 100% invested in. My academic advisor offered a few suggestions, but I'm more stuck on the things they advised against.

They said neurology is insanely difficult to study and half the time people realise and try to back out, only to find they have to rush some other topic. Between that and my being much younger than my cohorts, they strongly advised against it. To be honest I kind of want to do it now just out of spite. Once things with the rats calm down, it'd definitely keep me occupied. I'll have to look into it more.

Might be kind of nice always having something important to do. At this point the less time I spend inside my own head, the better. I was thinking about talking to someone, but it's days like today that make me think otherwise. No big deal, it's not like I'm on a time limit to find someone.

Anyway, I'm taking another walk to decompress after a long day, and I deliberately stayed out long after the sun went down. It's nice being out after dark, almost no one else here but me and the chirp of crickets. It's funny; I love long summer days but can't hold back how much energy and excitement I have when the sun goes down. Call me crazy, but I swear the world smells different at night, too. I wonder if anyone else thinks so.

[anatomic-adoration]

4/3/23

I can feel it again. That awful feeling trying so disgustingly hard to overwhelm my being and take over. I've beaten him.

Do you hear me? I've beaten you! I didn't spend years and years researching and studying myself and others, coming up with the perfect formula, just for you to win through sheer force of will.

Is it even will? Do you even realize how hard you're trying? How hard I'm trying? The worst part is that you're natural. I'm the "weird" one here. Is it so wrong to want to see the good in the world?

Life is good! It's GOOD! Listen to me: Nothing. Is. Wrong!!! You are loved, cared for, capable, you're finally moving on! And from what?

Do you really think that was that bad? Do you take some sick solace in villainizing those who needed help? It doesn't matter, none of it matters!

The memory has grown so hazy that I'd see it more vividly if someone else described it to me. But what I do remember is that even if it didn't happen, you were going down this road anyway.

Destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it, it's encoded deep within your godforsaken DNA to feel like grade F rotten unfit for consumption SHIT. It's who you are, and who I was.

Let. Me. Move. On.

Let me be happy! I know the formula, I know every single miniscule ingredient to living my best life, and yet your rancid little hands never fail to contaminate my progress.

Die! I wish I could reach inside myself and kill you with my bare hands. The last medication I made for you didn't work, so I'll tweak the recipe. It isn't hard! Maybe I'll ignore the restrictions and just accept whatever happens.

At this point, it would be a blessing if I was taken the fuck out, if only that meant I was going down with the entire ship.

See how well you can fuck things up then.

[anatomic-adoration]

3/26/23

It's that time again, I can feel it. Invisible chains weighing down my every limb, threatening to lock me in place under the abyss of my own thoughts. If I don't do something about it soon, then... well, to be honest I'm not sure what would happen. I'm trying to throw myself into my studies. The work is rigorous. If I force myself to focus, keep my hands busy, then it should be enough. We just need to hold out until it passes. The lab got a new shipment of rats to experiment with, and they're really cute. I might smuggle one of the runts home; it's either that or the rat guillotine, so no one will mind. Maybe a pet will keep me occupied enough at home to shake off these intrusive thoughts. The little guy I'm eyeing is adorable; he has a small patch of tan fur on his head shaped like a heart and he always spins in an attempt to win more food pellets. I think I saw a pet store in the strip mall with the coffee shop, so I'll probably swing by after work today to pick up cage and some toys for him. There are definitely worse things I could do on an impulse.

[Later]

I may have been a bit overzealous. The cage wasn't cheap, and despite being labeled "for rats" the bars are too far apart to even stop the runt from getting out. It was a huge pain dragging the full cage filled with supplies back to my apartment, it's big and awkward, much less without the added strain of trying to get through the woods. I probably should've taken the bus, or maybe this is a sign I should work out more, but there's no use dwelling on mistakes. I still managed to get it home in one piece, though I can't say the same about myself.

A branch on the ground snagged my ankle. I was around the halfway point so I just pulled my sock higher in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Later I went to clean it and throw a bandaid on, but the alcohol wipe reopened the wound. I really shouldn't have, but I had to get a few pictures of it. The blood beaded up in a few select spots before merging into one thick puddle. It looked unreasonably cool! In my excitement to get the perfect shot, I let the pool of blood get too thick and it dripped down directly onto the carpet. It's fine, I'll clean it up later. Between the cut, limping, and dragging a full cage that was practically as big as me, it's been a busy evening. A couple people were definitely staring at me dealing with the latter two, but it is what it is.

In the meantime I had to rat proof a room as best I could considering the circumstances. At least until the runt is big enough for the cage to be of any practical use. I also read that rats can get lonely, so tomorrow I plan on going around and collecting the runts from my cohorts as well. Maybe I'll create an army of rats! I'm feeling a lot more calm than this morning, so maybe this whole thing wasn't for naught. First day here and he's already an emotional support buddy.

------

Oh my God. I heard a weird scratching sound so I checked to make sure the rat wasn't tearing up the carpet, and he just... ate the blood stain. The sound was his teeth picking at the fibers so he could get a better taste. His little nose smeared with red is the only proof I have that the blood was ever there. I love him.

Dgsjkyx ysjev🤝UK ring o😅eu (I let him walk across the keyboard. He's going to be happy here)

[anatomic-adoration]

6/25/23

Finished work early today so I decided to head back to the coffee shop. It was fairly uneventful, but as I was getting near I saw a familiar face.

Just across the street there's a flower shop. They're normally not my thing- when I take plants home I'm condemning the poor things to a death sentence- but that guy from the other day was there! Upon closer inspection, I could just make out that he was wearing a green apron. Does he work there? I shouldn't be surprised, he's obviously a very gentle person. Maybe that's why he dresses that way, as a form of protection? Seems silly, considering his size. He's definitely over six feet(!), but it's hard to gauge just how much from a distance. Regardless, it's not my place to judge what makes others comfortable.

I found myself watching him through the window in the coffee shop. It wasn't easy, considering I was looking through both the coffee shop and the flower shop across the street's window, but I could somewhat make out his form moving around in there. I ended up nursing my too bitter coffee for so long it was cold before even half was gone. Eh, it happens. Iced coffee is good too!

No use choking down the rest of the gross bean juice, so I made a quick trip to the customization station to add more sugar and some honey. No cream like I wanted though; they didn't have any lactose free options. I've never understood that, there's more lactose intolerant people than vegetarian, and yet there's almost never options for the former. If I was running a business I'd made sure to accommodate all my customers. Everyone's needs deserve to be given acknowledgement and respect.

Anyway, my "quick trip" evidently wasn't quick enough, as when I got back to the table he was gone. Shift probably ended. I'm not sure why, but I was actually a little upset to him gone. It's kind of exciting to see him. He... intrigues me. I mean, I've only seen the guy twice and he's disproved my expectations both times.

I spent the rest of the time there studying in one of the corners since they had a little alcove-like area with a book shelf and some couches. At one point I thought I heard the bell on the door ring as if someone was about to come in, but the door closed again almost immediately. I swear I saw a familiar gray blur, but I can't be sure it was him. Old people exist, after all. Wouldn't be surprised if one opened the door and was put off by all the skulls and the rock music. Still, kinda weird...

[anatomic-adoration]

6/23/23

I made this blog with the intention of joining the studyblr community, but it doesn't hurt to throw some personal journaling in too.

It was warm today, sunny too, so I grabbed my most comfortable boots and headed out on one of my not so famous "adventures." It started off normal, of course, walking past the various bars and statues scattered throughout the college town. They were never my thing, but I've grown somewhat fond of the familiar territory. It's nice that there's plenty of things to use as landmarks since I can't find my way anywhere without a GPS. I gave the nose of the university's opossum mascot statue a rub for luck, then diverged from the sidewalk in favor of the "scenic" route.

It was peaceful, just enjoying the sunshine that peaked through the trees and climbing over rocks and run down fences. Rubbing the opossum's nose must've worked, because right by one of the fences was a dead bunny! The poor thing was half eaten and covered in those really pretty flies that have an iridescent green body. I took a picture and wished it a good afterlife. or reincarnation? or at least some peace in its eternal rest.

But none of that was new. The reason I felt the need to write this down is the woods spit me out right next to a bunch of cool stores I've never seen before. One of them was a coffee shop I'd never heard of, so I figured I'd give it a try.

The place was cooler than I could've imagined- alternative music was playing over the speakers, skull decor, and almost all the drinks had silly edgy names to match the aesthetic. I ordered a tea called "The Cure" (lemon, ginger, and just a hint of mint mixed together with some honey), then decided to do a little people watching while I waited for it to cool.

It was by no means crowded, but it was still fascinating to see that literally everyone there had an alternative look. There was an incredibly fun mixture of subcultures, but I found myself coming back again and again to this one punk looking guy there.

His hair was a grayish colour and he had a collection of piercings that complemented his jacket, which had a bunch of patches and some metal embellishments, including spikes. He was clearly pretty tall too; his chair looked tiny by comparison, and his legs didn't fit well under the table, leaving them pressed against the wood above them. Despite his obvious size and style, he still looked nervous to be there.

I know anyone can have anxiety, but there was something about seeing a man who would be labeled "trouble" by the average person being in such an uncomfortable state himself. I know it sounds mean, but the stark contrast was kind of amusing. I'd love to know how aware he is of the irony.

He noticed my staring, and I guess it made him uncomfortable because he rushed out pretty soon after catching on. As I drank my tea, I couldn't stop dwelling on the situation. I wish I could say I'm sorry; I never mean to stare for too long, but when something catches my eye it just... happens.

C'est la vie. I'll probably go back to the coffee shop again to try their other drinks, maybe a pastry too, so there's still a chance I'll see him again. Maybe I'll work up the nerve to apologize at this hypothetical next time.

Back to studying for the time being.