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We are all mad here.

I started my PhD studies. I would really like to be more optimistic about it but I feel like stress sucked all my life force. I had thought that I would be able to experience some excitement connected with a new phase in my life but I was gravely mistaken. Currently, my will to live does not exist. I barely have enough strength to get up every morning. What is it?  I’m getting more and more tired. I’m tired of living under pressure that I’m not good enough to be here. I’m tired of making small talk with people whom I don’t even like. I’m tired of pretending that I care about bullshit like theater or some dull lectures on Friday evening. 

In my case, the process of transformation into a scientist is really painful and there is a great chance that it won’t be successful. I would really like to fall asleep and wake up in 4 years to see the results. I really hope that all my efforts will pay off in future. 

[anatomie-de-la-melancolie-blog]

Where are you?

I have never thought that I would be writing a post like this one. 

Today marks one year since my best friend passed away. I should not say that she “passed away” because it sounds as if it was something perfectly normal. Something that happens slowly and cannot be prevented like a death at the age of 100. From my point of view, passing away suggests some kind of reluctance. Like a person who dies after a heroic battle with a cancer. By the way, are there non-heroic battles with a cancer? Probably this was inappropriate but whatever. My point here is that I cannot find words that convey the impact of this event on my life.

I was sitting in a café and eating some fancy ice cream dessert, with a friend I’m not particularly fond of, while my telephone rang. I miss the times when I don’t get panicky when I hear the ringtone, you know? My mother was calling me and she told me that she is on her way to see me. I was rather shocked as you don’t go 50 kilometers for no reason but she refused to tell me what happened. I was getting more and more nervous and all my efforts to find out what is going on were futile.I was pacing to and fro paying completely no attention to people around me. I talked to my mother. I talked to my boyfriend. I was dying with fear as not knowing is worse than everything. I had this sinking feeling in my stomach. I thought that maybe my house was burned down or maybe my grandma died but I didn’t think of my best friend.

I don’t think that I remember who spilled the beans first. When I heard that my best friend hanged herself, I froze. My brain could not understand the meaning of these words. Now writing this I have a creepy flashback: I’m sitting during our classes and our English teacher praised me for knowing the difference between “hanged” and “hung”. The irony, huh? Yeah, so that’s it, she hanged herself. I wish I knew any details. Some time after her death I had this creepy dreams during which I was at her home trying to find out how she did it. What did she use? A pair of shoelaces? A cabel? A scarf? This question still haunts me. 

I don’t want to get into the discussion of her reasons although I know that the most important one was the abusive relationship with her boyfriend. Strictly speaking, it was he who was abusing and she who was abused. And I was for her there, no matter what happened. I think she knew it. Sometimes if you can’t help yourself, no one else can help you. I think she knew it, too. 

[anatomie-de-la-melancolie-blog]

The feeling

Now I’ve got this uneasy feeling that the summer came to an end. Unfortunately, a cold gust of wind on my face is accompanied by some doubts. It’s not something I’m really eager to talk about here but I start my PhD studies on October and this thought gives me the creeps. I remember saying everyone that becoming a lecturer is my dream and I’m going to fulfill it no matter what. I made the first step and now I have doubts. I still remember my interview during which I learned that I’m probably the youngest PhD student on my year and it was not reassuring. Am I mature and experienced enough to be there? Or will make a laughing stock of myself? I’m on my way to find out.

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I’m really trying hard to get down to work. Tomorrow I’m having my French classes. I don’t want to make a bad impression on the teacher. She was my class teacher in my high school and I bet she hoped not to see me again. I was the black ship then but things have changed and here I come out of the blue, after 5 years. I had tried to find any other French tutor but my town is quite small and it just didn’t work out. It's high time to stop whining but.... could somebody cut off my Internet? Please. I would be eternally grateful. 

[anatomie-de-la-melancolie-blog]

I hate summer holidays. Every time I have some big plans but somehow I end up in front of my computer doing nothing. This “doing nothing” is not only exhausting but it also causes my remorse to bloom. I’m filled with disgust at my laziness. When a school year finally comes, I am too tired to lift a finger.  

I really want this holidays to be different. I really need a change. Unfortunately, if you want a change, you have to work for it.

I noticed that people are very into personal development now. Been there, done that. It’s like some kind of a drug, you know? You can get addicted to new achievements just like you can be addicted to cocaine.

My plan for this holidays is to find the balance. Wish me luck.

[anatomie-de-la-melancolie-blog]

I guess it’s hello.

I’ve decided that it’s high time for me to start a blog. Why? I have no idea. People writing blogs should at least pretend that they have something interesting to say but I have never been good at pretending. I think that this blog will be just a piece of my personal space in the Internet. Nobody reads the first posts unless you are a famous blogger so whatever.