angelicjuice - Tumblr blog

[angelicjuice]

Love when I get told what I’m saying is fucking stupid, by someone who knows allll about being fuckin stupid. Live their whole life being a dumbass, what can ya do? Besides smile and nod.

[angelicjuice]

Wow last night of the masters went too fucking good. I made great money all night, then got a party of 20 at 10, when I should have been going home, but they ended up tipping 150. I have gotten so many generous tips this year and it’s just amazing and I’ve never worked somewhere with such great regulars.

I’ve been keeping track of my tips and have averaged 40$ an hour for the last few weeks. Idk if I can maintain that hourly all year, but I’m definitely stoked to see it so consistently recently. Very cool.

[angelicjuice]

I got a 168$ tip today after only having 4 tables ALL DAY. I’m talking from 11-4 I literally had NOTHING going on. But I really fucking lucked out with my last table,, they tripled what I made pretty much and I’m still in shock. Like what the fuck??? How you got that kinda money to be spending??? And how do I get like that?

[angelicjuice]

Mario Bettinelli

[angelicjuice]

I’ve been gaining some weight recently and I have been getting so many comments on it, mostly people like “damn Kenzie didn’t know you had such a big ass” and it makes me feel so good and giddy inside bc this is all I’ve wanted for so freakin long, to put on some fucking weight. And it’s finally happening and it’s actually noticeable 🥺😭

[angelicjuice]

Omg I’m so excited I just made a new bestie and we’re gonna go forging tomorrow!! I’ve known her forever but we just recently started talking and she’s literally the easiest person to talk to. I love when I meet people I can connect with like that. It doesn’t happen often so I’m v happy about it 🥺🫶

[angelicjuice]

Oh wow I’m happy for once??? No bitch it’s just the mania from not having ur psych meds… it’ll go away within an hour to a couple days. Then I’ll be a sad baby again, just constantly living in a state of super highs and SUPER lows. I can be crying happy and having the time of my life even after dealing with some traumatic shit, then all the sudden everything is terrible and there is no reason to leave my house. No reasonable explanation, just woke up and didn’t wanna live. It seriously is getting so exhausting living like this. I thought I had the right mix of medications to keep me from going crazy but idk feels like lately they haven’t been helping as much. Idk what to dooo, I’m sick of trial and error I don’t wanna test out anymore meds! Ok I’m done ranting I’m just so very anxious and angry and annoyed 😒

[angelicjuice]

Most relatable thing I’ve ever heard on the kardashians has to be when Kris asked “can I get you anything?” And Kim said “a gun”

Like girl, you real for that one

[angelicjuice]

Anybody wanna send me like 100$… I’m so broke bc I had to have surgery on my arm, so I can’t serve right now I’m just stuck on to gos and I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS. I hate that I’m struggling so much rn, it truly sucks. I should finally be all healed up next week but idk. I just need to start serving again fuck, it’s been over a month since I had surgery WHY IS IT TAKING SO LONG TO HEAL

[angelicjuice]

ever met the human version of a headache?

[angelicjuice]

It’s been 7 years, 1 month, and 16 days since you left this earth. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, whether it’s a brief thought, me reliving the old days, a dream of us together again, or spending the whole day wondering where you would be right now, would you be graduated from scad? Would your YouTube have taken off? I bet you’d be TikTok famous, making makeup/hair tutorials, and videos of you singing. I always was so jealous of how beautiful your voice was, but yet you would act like I was such a great singer 🤣 when we both know I didn’t have shiitttt on your singing. It’s so bittersweet, to think about you. I try to stay positive and think you are still watching over me, and everyone else who loved you so dearly. I know we’ll meet again one day, someday. I just wish you had never left. I wish we could have gotten to adult together, but I’ll always hold our wild teenage years with you so very close to my heart. I miss you so much gabi, when you left you took a piece of me with you. I’ll never forgive myself for not knowing how much pain you were in. For not reaching out that night, I was literally going to message you an old photo of me you and Mads from st.marys when we were like 8 and 9, but for some fuckjng reason I didn’t. I was going to send it in the morning instead. But I never got that chance, and it kills me thinking how different things might be had I just messaged you that night. Maybe nothing would have changed, or maybe you could have stayed the night with me. Idk. I think about it a lot though. I just wish I had a Time Machine. But I don’t, and now you’re gone and it still feels like I lost you yesterday. I’m so thankful you did post on YouTube, because I will never ever lose the sound of your voice, the way you look when you’re talking. I was scared I would.

I love you I love you I love you

To the moon and back, goobi.

[angelicjuice]

The other night my dad told me he loved me too much and it makes me wanna cry at how unconditional his love truly is for me. I could commit a terrible crime and he would still have my back. I am so blessed to have such great parents. Even if it took awhile for them to get their shit together, they finally did and i just am so proud.

[angelicjuice]

Idk one day I woke up and just decided i didn’t care to post pics as much anymore. Still take em, but I be tooo damn lazy to go thru and edit and allll that. I wanna start posting again, I just can’t find the energy to do it. At the same time tho it’s been really nice to not worry about the internet and getting likes n shit. Just focusing on the real world is probably so good for me anyways. I used to be CHRONICALLY online and now I’m like… actually living my life, it’s nice I suppose.

[angelicjuice]

This chick rly just posted her cashapp asking for a blessing cuz she’s disabled and “always low on cash” umm girl maybe bc every once in a while that I do go downtown… ur ALWAYS out and drinking. Idk I just think it’s lame to ask people for money when you spend what you do have on shit that is not necessary. My account can be -200 and I’m still not asking for help, not even from my parents. Because I know I’m more than capable to get my ass to work and fix it!

[angelicjuice]

TW: depression& suicidal thoughts

Ohhh mannn. I really really thought I was finally getting a little better. I’ve been depressed since the beginning of the year and was only able to get thru it with my manic episodes. But they would never last more than a week if that. Then FUCKING FINALLY in September after seeing my sea star in Colorado things seemed to be getting a lot better. After that it wasn’t even mania making me happy, I have seen my best friend in the whole fucking world so much since she finally got her new place right after I got back from Colorado. I mean, we hung out more than we had in years really. Like spending the night at least once a week, and whatnot. Having breck back in my life so consistently has made me more happy than she could ever understand. I am quite the loner, but she’s my other half, I truly need her in my life. Then finally getting to a point in my relationship with holden that we can fully trust each other. Finally seeing Holden doing better than he was, seeing him work so hard and just seeing him in a much better place also helped keep me ina positive mindset. Then tonight.

Idk what happened. But I’m a mess. I’m begging to God, to anyone higher power, please please help me get rid of these negative thoughts. But they won’t stop. Idk why idk why

I just don’t know. I have never felt so close to just ending it all and I don’t fucking know why. I don’t get it. I was so happy. Nothing crazy has happened, I feel like I have no reason to be feeling this way. But it won’t stop, I don’t wanna reach out to anyone. I don’t feel like anyone would care even though in the back of my mind I know they do. Or maybe I just don’t want to scare. Maybe I don’t want them to try to stop me if I did. I truly am a mess and have no idea why this is happening. I have things to look forward to, reasons to stay alive.

But I know how fuckjng impulsive my BPD makes me. I know that with these intrusive thoughts that I would do it. I don’t even know why I’m saying all this. Tumblr is my safe space and I don’t want to bother anyone so I guess it’s just a way to get it all out without having to inconvenience anyone or burden them. Cause I know my friends are going thru their own shit, they don’t need mine on top of everything else. I just beg the lord to keep me safe tonight, and any other night I feel this way. As much as I say I don’t care, I do. I don’t wanna leave my loved ones behind. But I also don’t wanna live life constantly feeling happy than ever just to want to die the next day.

[angelicjuice]

My dumb fucking ass bought some savage x fenty lingerie back in MARCH and apparently I’ve been charged 60$ EVERY SINGLE MONTH SINCE without realizing bc they have this stupid fucking vip bullshit that you apparently don’t even have to authorize!! Now I have 200$ getting sent back to me and another 300$ in credit for savage. I don’t even shop there I’m so pissed 😭😭 guess all my girls are getting some cute bras for Christmas cuz idk what the fuck else to use it on. I don’t even like there stuff ughhhhh

[angelicjuice]

Keep having dreams thinking someone’s with me in the room and I keep waking up asking ahit like “who’s there” “hello” and feel so dumb. Idk why shits so vivid recently, but it’s crazy.