Alterhuman blog 🪽 24 🪽 She/her 🪽 Angel + others 🪽 Married 12/22/23
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these days were good, i hope you stay forevermore
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Today's Seal Is: Powdered Donut
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#the diary of bunny#(part three)#it makes sense now. it all ties into my csa too. performing. being something for someone. something that they want-#but something that is not true to myself. something that i get punished for if i don't act right-#and it also goes along with my autism. it makes sense for why whenever there is something that i cannot figure-#out with someone my first instinct is to wonder or verbally ask what they want me to say or do or act like.#because that is what everyone around me taught me. 'act the way i want you to or else.'#someone saw me the real me and buried her deep inside and i helped bury her.#and something else grew in her place and split up into different branches. and now i feel like i am finally digging past the-#roots and the thorns and the branches and digging her up. and i feel anger and guilt and sadness at other people and myself. other people-#for digging the hole and using the shovels. at myself for allowing it to happen. at myself for doing the same thing.#it makes me worried and sad. because discovering this does not feel like healing or empowerment. it feels scary.#because i have been conditioned to think that the real me is not something that other people want.#like what if i was mistaken about some of the past lives i thought i had? what if i thought i was someone else because i was conditioned to#think that way? and what if i'm hated for that? what if i am hated for the way i am? what if that girl who is optimistic and childish#and cringe is hated or too naive or too out there? is it worth it? should i keep her buried to stay loved?#[puts my head in my hands] ughhhh.#why is healing so painful. why is it so confusing. and what would you even call this type of trauma?
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#the diary of bunny#(part two)#she was the one who introduced me to being kin / kinning / past lives / fictionkin / whatever you want to call it.#i've seen it around but she was the one who actually spoke to me about it and described it to me.#she started participating in those spaces months before i even sniffed it. some of my roleplay mutuals who followed me-#on tumblr spoke about it occasionally but i was ok with doing my own thing. i did have some feelings about it but i wanted to delve into-#it on my own time and my own way. but she started to make me feel less and less included over time. she ignored me often unless it was to-#talk about kin. and i was starting to really miss her because at the time i thought she was my best friend and we spoke 24/7.#so i finally asked her about it. and she started talking to me again. and the more receptive i was to hearing it the more-#often she messaged me and paid attention to me. and when i asked her who she was she literally said 'oh i'm jake and you're dirk!'#she didn't ask for my opinion about anything. and it just snowballed from there! whenever i showed emotion or drew something silly or-#seemed 'childish' or 'bubbly' or 'friendly' she would do the equivalent of pulling me aside and saying 'are you ok? you're not acting#like yourself.' and then if i said i was feeling great she would get distant and passive aggressive until i stopped what i was doing and-#altered the way i spoke and acted to fit how she wanted it. like...i was friendly! i talked to a lot of people in the roleplay group!#i was kinda cringe and used a lot of emoticons and wore my heart on my sleeve and was shy and introverted but also-#approachable and inviting. a lot of people said that i was very kind and radiant and that my personality was 'out there'#but when i was looking at my older posts from that forum website months ago i just saw the change. no more emoticons. no more friendliness.#all caps all proper punctuation. he/him in pronoun holders. it was kind of scary. it was like the me before got replaced.#i started to talk less in the rp group. jess would talk to me mostly. and whenever i acted the way she wanted me to she would-#be attached to me and i was so lonely. that was one of the loneliest times of my life other than my early 20s.#i isolated from my family. i isolated from friends. i didn't really recognize myself anymore and honestly i don't remember that part of my-#life well. it feels more like watching a movie.#(continued in other parts of the— image from webtoon called morgana and oz it's just a comfort image because i really like the comic)
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#the diary of bunny#what i remembered about jess last night is like a worm in my brain i'm not gonna lie. it does genuinely feel like-#a missing piece of the puzzle. something that i could never figure out but knew was always there. and i can guess why my brain hid it from-#me until i'm more integrated and healed. if i had remembered it any earlier in my recovery i'm not sure how i would cope with it.#the seed was there and planted but i don't think it would have grown without jess's influence. my csa planted the seed along with-#my dad barely being around when i was a kid and me having to pick up on some responsibilities at home. and my csa made me-#averse to feminine things out of fear that people would be looking at my body. but honestly i think i would have spent my teenage years as-#a girl if i hadn't met jess. or at least i would have entertained the idea but not for very long.#honestly what i think happened is that i had did and jess created an alter and i was buried. not on purpose. i don't think she knew that.#or meant to really! i think that it's just what happens when you put two mentally ill girls together and one has csa and a dissociative-#disorder that stems from trauma. i think that it sort of just...occurred. because the thing about jess is that she is-#manipulative and selfish but not an evil genius or anything. she did it with other friends too. and other people we knew.#she wanted people to act the way she wanted them to. she wanted them to be what she wanted them to be. if you did something out of-#character or out of script she got intensely upset. she liked me best as her stoic boyfriend who was her stable rock but also mysterious-#enough to other people that she was seen as interesting just for being in a relationship with me. we met in the damn roleplay group!-#she roleplayed as jake! and when she decided to transition guess what was one of her names.#she said a lot of things to me like 'i think you're better when you're more quiet. i think that you should stop being so childish and-#bubbly. i think that you shouldn't be so open with your feelings. i think that you shouldn't be trusting.'#like! ugh!#i'm going to split this into parts because it's long#(part one)
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#the diary of bunny#i've been having a stress dream about money every single night so far. last night i had a dream that my mom bought me a corvette as a gift-#but it was financed so i was stuck with a $700 monthly payment on top of my $360 monthly payment for my already existing and real new car#and i'm not sure what that's trying to represent because my parents haven't been controlling my money at all. i've been handling it myself-#lately. and they wouldn't do something like that without talking to me. google how do i have a healthy relationship with finances because i#think that i have too much restraint. i can't even rely on retail therapy because i can't make myself spend money on something that isn't-#useful to my survival or the survival of my loved ones. 😢 i have my tea tree special shampoo in my cart online but i keep hesitating-#thinking that i don't need it that bad? is it necessary? could that $20-35 be spent better on more food or saved up for rent? or gas?#when you grow up poor with no safety nets you find yourself wanting to make multiple safety nets. everything feels like a possible life-#saving transaction. sometimes i wonder what life would be like without that fear and insecurity. i wonder how people who grew up-#financially secure felt. i wonder how my ancestors felt. i know some were likely financially secure from what my parents told me at dinner.#can you please help guide me through this? am i doing a good job? is there a way out of this for me?#and to be honest even if there isn't i at least want to be able to say that i tried everything i could. because i really am#anyway! i also had a few dreams some nights ago about my classpect? 🤔 i had a dream that i was a witch of breath but then another one-#where i was a...something i forgot. oops. witch of breath surprises me because breath as an aspect doesn't really fit me. if anything-#i struggle a lot with personal freedom and feeling like it's allowed for me. and although i can be gullible i'm not very laid back and hard#to tie down. i wondered if it could be that my aspect is the inverse of breath which is blood but i'm not good at uniting people.#i kind of just do my own thing. i care about who i care about. but i have no interest in what blood players do.#and then the classpect quiz said i'm a hope player. 😭 who am i on this journey of finding myself again after trauma and dissociation...
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"I'm a duck. You're a sheep. We can make it work" ⚘️
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Pictures of white flowers that I took throughout March(?) - May
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Self potrait of my manta form! :)
I’m a giant oceanic manta ray.
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These Pokémon are the ones I've had the strongest feelings about so I'm pretty sure that's it!
#the diary of bunny#<- my new tag where i just say stuff to no one in the tags#anywaaay. at some point i will draw myself as how i look like when i can shapeshift into these :3#i'm never 100% one thing. never 100% human or 100% animal or 100% pokemon or 100% other being whatever it is#which makes sense because my chart is a seesaw shape. and i'm kind of meant to always be in the middle and have an intrinsic understanding-#of both sides. i guess i feel lonely about it sometimes. i'm not sure if anyone will relate to my experiences about this. but at the same-#time i feel like i don't really require that. i don't want to fake anything just to fit in with someone or a group of people on tumblr.#i'm ok with being me!#if people only like me or want to hang out with me because we experience the exact same things then i don't want them as my friends. :/#plus what would be the point in that? it just becomes an echo chamber with no new experiences being thrown into the mix. that doesn't sound#fun at all. that's just my opinion and what i want in a friend group though. sure it'd be nice to relate to people and i do want to meet-#people with common interests and experiences. i'm not saying i don't because that's a crucial thing for any social being. i just mean that-#i don't want to feel like someone will only be friends with me if i experience the same things they do. we are all made different and that'#ok! this isn't about anyone in particular btw i'm just having a train of thought about what it was like being in a friend group when i was#a teenager versus what i want out of a community now. i've thought about getting involved in the alterhuman/nonhuman community but i'm not-#going to beat myself up if i end up not fitting into a certain space. i will just make my own!
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I'm bunny. Specifically Holland Lop and Cottontail. But honestly I'm also just bunny in general
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i dont care if mondays blue. tuesday coo and wednesday coo. thursday yea im gonna coo it's friday im a dove
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shyly hiding behind wings 👍
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