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Mind of Flaming Embers

Burning hot the fire within so dances uneven flaming brightly.

Flaming bright expands so fast my mind's horizon swift and rightly

thunder zaps and buzz inside as concept storms connect as lightening

Rattling my mind it's bolts and screws just never fit so tightly

Graceful flames entrance just me as everyones so running

Fast the rattling gears of mind are ever quickly quickly turning

Quickly life for me Is now so strange just merely like I'm dreaming

Fearing now I'm bound for hell these flames forever stoked and burning

Trying hard to crack the code in dreams the codes I'm quickly gleaming

Everyone rejects this knowledge found so truly sadly seeming

Seeming wisdom ever seems so lonely mad I'm half enlightened

People won't just see I'm godly because they are sadly frightened

hate that I'm so godly say my screws are needing being tightened

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My Hollowed Ambition

feel I may forever wander never feeling wholeness

empty truly restless only truly feeling soulless

Burning deep within this rumbling ache so sickly bellows

Hell I'm dying trying hard to find just where my soul is

Seeking out a calm elixir might I hope so mellows

Aches and pains and lonely hungry sobbing muted echos

Searching depths devoid just lost don't know if ever finding

Meadows bringing knowledge showing self through murky shadows

wishing more to go and bring achievement fully blinding

Blinding eyes inside my heart to empty scream so binding

Soul of mine to empty pit of restless dancing debris

Matter not just how or much I gain my soul in misery

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Unwavering Hollow Restlessness

Critically wounded part of me torn

Been left for dead with aches now worn

This hollow void so spreads as feeling none

A sickly restlessness to be reborn

and break on through to setting sun

I have the sense I may forever go run

To better pastures hoping I feel whole

To go and fill the void from damage done

And to reconcile this tired heavy soul

To strive to feel at peace should be my goal

But somehow I strive for more and more

So I someday escape the days before

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If maybe you'd return

My soul could cease it's burn

Upon a it's place it rests

It's dusty tired urn

In times I did feel blessed

Delusion did feel best

My tired empty soul

Will turn at it's behest

My heart's aching hole

Has left me feeling cold

You were meaning for me

You had me feeling whole

Please hear my tired plea

I still feel left at sea

Stranded now alone

You were my only home

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Who is I?

Can’t find an anchor I wonder why?

I can only question who is I.

Tangled web of emotion within.

Do I only want to kiss the sky?

What am I beyond my flesh and skin?

Where does identity end and begin?

For what should I aspire and so tire?

For what race do I so wish to win?

My heart like a confused mesh of wires.

Which mask or pursuit will fuel my fires?

Sometimes all I desire is higher.

And yearn to feel forever inspired.

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I spent all morning looking for my vape taking apart the couch and everything in the house it could possibly be in.

Only to find just now it had some how ended up in my bag of chips.

Like I was just eating my chips and then I grab something that didn't feel like a chip and boom it's my vape 😭

How the fuck did it end up there?

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Ghost - An Original Poem

I feel like a ghost suspended in time

I'm wind on the coast passing through chimes

That empty feeling of the breeze on skin

And finally leaving old times a hard climb

nodding along the same beat lost within

Feeling dazed creating this life was gods sin

Altering my mind just to kill time or blind

My heart to it's restless buzz again

Again will I feel that life's not unkind

An emptiness returns as sobers my mind

Reels of days when life wasn't dissonant

How hard could it be to just go and find

A soul like yours kindred yet different

Sitting on my bed wanting to go home

Physically there yet spirits alone

Down into withdrawal I descended

Days spent pacing after good times ended

Years later survives a lone dazed husk

A mind full of memories dust and rust

Too much time and no way to spend it

life's just begun but I feel it's ended

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Voices trying to gaslight me into thinking it's not a mental illness is crazy. Like, sorry guys I'm not mentally ill THE VOICES IN MY HEAD say I'm totally sane and also a piece of shit.

Like I'll just be chillen and out of nowhere they just have to mention this like if I'm not mentally ill then stop talking in my head.

Recently I encountered the voice that claims to be my girlfriend. (I am single and have never been in a serious relationship). I want to be nice to her because she seems to love me and if someone loves me I treat them well.

Like does she have me confused for someone else? I have tried to date the voices before so maybe she's the illusive voice I keep trying to date? It's hard to tell them apart sometimes. If so I feel bad because it's one of the rare voices that's nice to me and I've been acting like I don't know her ): could also be a trick by other voices to keep me engaged though.

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I feel that life as lost the magic

The passage of time can be so tragic

No butterflies just my same tired lines

I'm missing the pills so estatic

days many I spent searching for signs

with pounding heart full of butterflies

Now I sit and watch my life go by

Back then thinking It would all work out

I watch my heart and soul burn out

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Where's the block button for the voices in my head?

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Bro I miss my old Dexedrine script that shit was gas, made me feel so good it was scary.

I wanna try ketamine someday but for now I'm stuck with DXM.

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Life update:

I'm starting to believe the hallucinations when they say they're real. I don't believe the negative stuff the mean ones say. Like idk what this is anymore I got spirits in my head or something but I'm sort of numb to it now the distress doesn't hurt as much just makes it a lot harder to function.

Got imposter syndrome too because I mostly just get hallucinations and thought broadcasting now not as much of the mind trip stuff these days. I don't really feel psychotic much anymore. Like I'm fully aware people can't hear my thoughts I don't even question it anymore but I still FEEL like they can.

Like sure I have 24/7 voices but that's my main symptom the bipolar depression and a general sense of feeling like I'm this inhuman pure observer to everything has sort of become more prominent. I feel completely apathetic to life a lot of the time and have constant drug cravings whereas in my mania my addictive traits just vanished and I could use drugs in moderation without cravings them constantly.

It often feels like being in the underworld and everything is just sort of void. Biggest thing is just the whiplash from coming out of mania. Everything just has a sort of sinister tone to it. It's better this morning though. Things have been improving a bit after the last DXM trip and the moderate sleep deprivation is actually making things easier.

But goddamn man. Feels like I'm being completely taken apart by life then (hopefully) being put back together again it's quite frankly disorienting as hell.

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Bro I just want to chill at a month long bbq eating good food and drink beer, kava, and kratom until my energy comes back. Sounds cozy as hell.

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Three of Swords and The Hierophant

No, it's hopeless. You'll have to run off and join one of those mysterious orders that don't have any contact with the rest of the world.

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Two of Pentacles reversed and Six of Pentacles

BANK ERROR IN YOUR FAVOR COLLECT $200

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Through the fog - A Poem

An invisible etheric fog

Colours my submerged waking dream

I am just a mound of flesh I gleem

Meaning from words from sounds it does seem

And then I spout my own sounds and keep

Scratching codecs into processed log

Writing of mystery from the gods

Feelings like demons from beyond

Perturbing the frothing cream upon

The surface of my mind they say gone

Like ripples on a fractured pond

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Does anyone else cope with adversity by turning it into lore? Like if I can find meaning in the suffering it suddenly hurts less. This then creates a cycle of being okay with the suffering. Like when I had drug problems I just romantasized the fuck out of it same for toxic traits of mine.

Usually though if I feel shitty I just do drugs though.

The abilify is kicking in and I feel numb and bored and it makes me want to bang my head against the wall and do drugs. Fuck this bullshit med and all other d2 antagonists. Me and the voices low-key are pretty tender and caring towards each other and at this point the abilify makes us fight more but my family still wants me on it. /: