anna-faith - Tumblr blog

anna-faith · 7 years

Text

Beautiful Chaos (short story)

Note: There is a little homophobia at the end if this is a trigger for you then this might not be the best to read, but it isn’t too heavy.

Beautiful Chaos

All she could think about was kissing girls, and it was eating her alive. It started so long ago, nearly a year, yet still it was something that half made her loath herself and half put butterflies in her stomach. Either way it was so prominent- so there. It took up way more of her life than it should have; can her friend join this club? No. Because what if the friend notices her gawking at the girl she likes. Can she stand up against what that person said? No, because what if it sounds like she cares too much. So this is how it started, the deep rooted fear that someone would find out, or that she would accidently blurt it out while they were driving somewhere. This person, this girl who is taking up her entire line of consciousness just seemed so perfect. She’s out already of course, and in love with photography; she always had a camera on her. Her favorite flavor of ice cream is strawberry. The first time they talked was at one of the clubs meetings; they were partnering, and she couldn’t stop tapping her fingers on her desk. She was so nervous, and all she wanted to do was have a conversation. Sitting side by side their legs were touching, she could feel as the girl’s foot tapped, tapped, tapped. The next few times they saw each other were just nods and “hellos” in the hallway. However when the girl, Sara, gave her, Bea, a ride home, and they were standing on the front porch with no light because Bea’s parents always forgot the lights, they had their first real conversation.

Sara said “Would you wanna go out sometime, just like to the aquarium or something?”

And so Bea, as awkward as she was, shuffled her feet for a good minute trying to figure out whether or not it was a date. Then deciding it didn’t matter, she nodded and gave a quiet,

“Yea, okay that sounds fun.”

“You know what I just realized Bea and yea are spelled the same but pronounced differently,” blurted Sara.

“Haha yea I guess so,” she said, before they both awkwardly glanced at each other and turned away. And it may sound funny, but things were pretty perfect right then.

In attempting to get ready for the “date”, she realized she didn’t even know where they were going. She didn’t know what to wear. She needed something that made her happy, but also made her feel confident, and made her hair look good. She wanted to wear a sundress, or her overall shorts- both yellow, both amazing. In the end, she decided on the overalls because they’re comfortable and easy to move in. When it came to hair, Bea stood in front of the mirror squirming. She could feel a bout of dysphoria start to kick in, and her nails dug into her palms. There would be cresent moon shaped cuts there later, but for now she has to keep the tingling sensation away. When she felt blood on her finger, she knew she must have broken the skin. Uncurling her fists, she held her palms up to the mirror to see crescent shaped marks and cuts with little droplets of blood in a few places. So instead of continuing to examine her hands, she opens her cabinets looking for her scissors. She knows they’re there, she used them last week for something stupid like cutting a tag. But now, with her hand in the drawer and her fingers gripping the scissors, she has her mind set on one thing. Picking them up, she looks at herself in the mirror. It’s funny. She only grew her hair long to battle her dysphoria in the first place, but this isn’t a rash decision. For the past few months, every time she has looked in the mirror she has felt her skin start to crawl; she wears her hair in a bun to compensate the discomfort. By now, her hair reaches all the way down her back nearly to her waist. She picks up the scissors and begins hacking her hair off - leaving just enough room for a barber to fix her mistakes. Snip, the hair falls down her shirt, onto the floor. Snip, Snip, Snip on and on until she has worked through all her hair, until it is cut at her shoulders and is fairley manageable. Smiling, she puts on some eyeshadow and walks out of the bathroom. She decides to leave the mess for after the “date”.

Hearing a car’s horn outside jars Bea, but just for a second, before she is running downstairs and out the front door, shouting “goodbyes” to her parents on her way.

As she hops into the car the first thing Sara says is “I love yellow.”

The second is “you cut your hair, it looks great. You look happier.” Bea smiled nodding her head in agreement. Sara turned the keys and pulled out of her driveway, onto the road.

“Where are we headed?” Bea asked.

“It’s a surprise.”

“Okay.”

After that she just closed her eyes, trying not to think about how she couldn’t tell anyone about going out with Sara and how her skin still felt like it was crawling, she focused on it too much, and how just a few days ago she was crying in the bathroom. And how now she was practically over the moon because she was on a “date” with the girl she liked. Bea pushed it out of her mind, out, out, out. Focusing instead on the feeling of her overalls , the soft fabric making everything better. She tried to draw on the last time she felt safe, at peace, or happy. Closing her eyes as they drove, she could feel little gasps of air and wind through the ever so slightly opened window of the truck. Hitting her arms and face, it made her hair stand ever so slightly on end. And for the moment, as the sun was setting, and everything was shining, the world was okay. Bea felt the car stop, she heard the window roll up and she opened her eyes- the Aquarium, perfect. She brought up fish a lot, and had definitely talked about them in their last conversation, but the fact the Sara remembered made it even more perfect. As Bea jumped out of the car, practically bouncing on the tips of her toes, her excitement was evident and Sara just smiled. She grabbing Bea’s hand and pulling her towards the ticket line. Bea could see fish from the outside and everything was so bright! With their tickets in hand, they ran through the maze of ropes to get them scanned. At the end, they quickly passed their tickets on, and were ready to continue when a lady stopped them.

“Do you want your picture taken?” she asked earnestly.

Glancing towards Sara, Bea tilted her head, “Do you want to?”

“Hell Yes!” she responded, “We are going to get everything out of this experience possible!”

Smiling, she nodded her head and turned towards the lady, “We would love to have our photo taken.”

They were standing up in front of the blue screen with fish drawn on as they smiled for the photo. It was handed to Sara who passed it on to Bea, “ You keep it, okay?”

Looking down at the photo, she could see that the yellow of her clothes made her look sunny- happy, and her smile looked so genuine. Sara wasn’t looking at the camera, instead she had been looking down at Bea with a bright smile. Perfect.

Tucking the photo carefully into her bag, Bea grinned, “Okay let’s go look at some fishies.”

“Sounds great to me.”

The night went by quickly as they walked through each exhibit and saw fish, sharks, turtles, jellyfish, sting-rays, and so much more. Bea took every opportunity to pet the animals: the shark with rough skin, the jellyfish that was soft and delicate, the horseshoe crabs, and smooth stingray. The last thing they decided to go to before leaving was the mermaid show. It was fun, though slightly childish.

The only awkward moment was when Sara commented, “I could be one of the mermaids right?”

Bea answered too quickly without filtering herself and said, “ You definitely exceed the amount of prettiness needed.” She could feel herself blushing to her roots and turning tomato red. “I-I’m sorry,” she stuttered.

In response, Sara grabbed her hand, gripping it tight enough to show everything was okay, but not so hard that her ring would be digging into her finger. Swinging their hands, they walked towards the gift shop.

At the same time, they both gasped. Bea tugged on Sara’s hand to bring them into the gift shop’s back corner, and ducked behind the stuffed animals. In the meantime, Sara stuttered.

“Your hands, I-I what happ- happened to them,” she finally managed to get out. “And what was that, why’d you pull us out of there?” she said much more clearly.

Swallowing, and then diverting her eye for a moment to catch her breath, she was trying not to have a panic or anxiety attack. Breathe In. Breathe Out. Bea wanted to make the effort, to explain everything; she really liked this girl.

Bea knew she could get up and walk away. Not look back. Avoid answering those questions. She decided to take one more breath and then face Sara. Matching her own bright green eyes, to the deep blue-grey ones, she opened her mouth to try and explain. Her lips tried to stay together, practically telling her to not share, but she forced herself to continue speaking.

“On t-the topic of my hands, I,” she took a deep breath in,. “I struggle with things like, d-dysphoria and anxiety. So sometimes to keep myself from slipping I do this and I know it’s bad but,” and she was rambling, “ I can’t really help it and it’s better than other stuff and… yeah so…”

Sara took her hands in her own, holding the palm to her eyes, and gave a butterfly kiss to each mark. “Okay, just next time if you would just call me instead I know it might not always help, and I know how it could be worse, but I don’t want you to be hurting.”

Bea continued, “And the reason I pulled you away, was because I saw my friend, Kate, and I’m not out yet, and she’s my best friend and she’d be so mad if I didn’t tell her, so my first instinct was just to run and I- anyway sorry. I know that you’re out and I get it if you don’t want to date anyone who is still in the closet.” At this point she was looking at the floor and Sara had to lift her chin up so there eyes could meet.

“The only thing I wish you had told me is that you weren’t out so I could’ve been more secretive about the whole thing. I’m sorry if I was too forward; but I like you and all the other stuff doesn’t matter to me”

“Okay.”

I smiled and leaned forward. So sitting between the candy and the stuffed sting-rays, I had my first kiss. We were both crouching on the floor, barely able to stay balanced, as we leaned toward each other. Our lips crashed together, softly. Her lips were chapped and she was smiling and it was Perfect.

***

She stepped through her door home, smiling. Sara had just dropped her off from the aquarium. As she moved through the foyer, she noticed that her phone wasn’t where she thought she had forgotten it. Not worrying too much, Bea skipped towards her room. Opening her door, she could feel her ringer go off as she got several text’s.

Hey I saw you at the aquarium.

Who were you with?

Was it that girl from your club?

Was it a date ?

Wait! Are you dating her, and you didn’t tell me!!!

Immediately Bea started freaking out. Kate knew. She seemed okay-ish with it, but still. Counting her breaths, she tried to calm down. Everything would be okay.

Her phone buzzed. Another text from Kate. Bringing the screen up to eye level she saw one word.

Faggot

And that was that.

9 notes · View notes