annehopeblog

[annehopeblog]

Unexpected Challenges of Life

Life can change in the blink of an eye which, by the way, only takes literally about one third of a second.  We just never imagine those changes, cloaked in tragedy and heartbreak, happening to us.  With little or no warning, often when we least expect it, tragedy can strike, and our lives are turned upside down.  Sometimes, literally.

My friend, Elizabeth, and her husband were on vacation in Key West on August 5, 2021 celebrating her husband’s well-deserved sabbatical he had earned after 27 years of service at his engineering firm.  It was a beautiful night.  They were returning from a wonderful dinner at Blue Heaven Restaurant in a golf cart.  The air was full of laughter, smiles, happiness, and joy.  Elizabeth was giggling while taking a Snapchat video as the golf cart rounded a corner and alarmingly flipped on its side.  The first thing that hit the concrete was Elizabeth’s head and neck. 

Strangely enough, Elizabeth remembered almost every detail of the accident.  The details, the sounds, the smells were vivid from the moment of impact.  With her face feeling oddly connected to the cool, dry concrete, she felt as if she was being lifted (if only for a moment) to a different plane of consciousness.   She was jolted back by the panicked sound of her husband’s voice.  His fear was palpable as he screamed at her to get up.  With as much calm as possible, Elizabeth informed him she could not…that she couldn’t move her arms or legs.  As people ran over to help, they pulled the cart back to its upright position, but wisely did not move her.  They asked her what she needed, and she simply told them to call 911.  At this point, Elizabeth could move no other part of her body, other than her mouth and eyes.

The ambulance took her to the nearest hospital where she was diagnosed with a serious fracture of the vertebrae in her neck.   Emergency surgery was performed to fuse C4 and C5 and to remove the disc between those two vertebrae.  She was admitted to ICU after the surgery and remained there for the next several days while friends and family waited for updates.  Her husband couldn’t be in the room with her due to COVID restrictions.  So, she endured that first night alone with only her caregivers as her body shook ferociously during the night from a high fever.  Elizabeth recalled the ice blankets that covered her whole body in continuous attempts to cool her core.  And, although she could not voluntarily move any part of her extremities, she was intensely aware of the violent spasms that were occurring from the tips of her toes to her still blood-caked hair.  Her hands and fingers felt like the ends of sparklers that are lit on the Fourth of July. 

But these were just the physical effects of those first few days.  Even as her body was fighting a vicious battle to heal, emotionally she was in a war.  The second night in ICU was perhaps the lowest, scariest, and most fearful night since the accident.  Alone, with only her nursing care, she found herself partially propped up in the hospital bed, only to slowly slide further down the bed as the minutes passed.  Unable to move herself, unable to hit a call button, unable to wipe the tears as they streamed from her eyes or the snot from her nose, bit by bit, everything was sliding down into a lonesome abyss.  She feared she would never be able to walk again, never hug her husband, never run her fingers through her children’s hair.  For a brief time, she questioned her desire to fight for life as she pondered the potential burden she might be to her family.  But courage doesn’t always roar like a lion.  Sometimes courage is the smallest of voices that breaks through in the wee hours of the night and says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”  And this is the Elizabeth that I know!

It’s odd to think that the same boiling water that softens potatoes will also harden eggs.  It’s all in what you’re made of.  And Elizabeth was never one to back down from a challenge.  So, the next day when her doctors came to do their rounds, she flatly stated, “I’m ready to fight!”  No one could guarantee how much movement she would recover.  No one was willing to predict how her body would respond to a severe central spinal cord injury, the ensuing medications administered, or the rehab process.  But after a few days, limited movement began to return to her fingers and toes.  Hope soared even amidst the ambiguity of the future! 

A week after the accident, Elizabeth was moved to inpatient rehab and the real work began.  With the help of her therapists, she was regaining limited movement bit by tiny bit.  But the process was frustratingly slow. She was struggling with blood pressure issues and passed out whenever they attempted to stand her upright.  An injury that took less than a second would require a recovery that would be measured in months and perhaps years.  But Elizabeth was willing to fight.

A month after the accident she was able to walk a bit and was ultimately discharged, heading home to Kansas City.  Excitement was mixed with anxiety and concern, but she was ready for phase two of recovery.  The tedious process of learning to do even the simple tasks again has changed her life dramatically.  There was so much joy in being able to do even the simplest of tasks:  brush her hair, floss her teeth, put on socks, write her name, walk on her own, open a jar, or simply hold someone’s hand.  Each week brings a new normal.  Each month brings excitement for whatever changes and improvements will unfold.  

There are no guarantees in life.  And, as the saying goes, “Man plans, God laughs!”  We never know what the next moment will bring.  We can only be in THIS moment.  We don’t know if our health will change, if we will lose a job, or if a spouse will leave.  We don’t know if a friend will alienate us, or if a parent or child will be lost.  Nothing stays the same forever.  Sometimes everything changes slowly.  Sometimes it changes suddenly, with no warning, when we least expect it.  It’s at times like these when we cry out, “Why?”  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why does life seem so profoundly unfair at times?  The truth is none of us know.  We may never know in this lifetime.  But there is a vast majority of us that believe our lives have purpose, and there is a plan…even if we don’t understand it currently. 

One of the most interesting revelations that Elizabeth shared was what she referred to as her “bipolar emotions.”  On the one hand, she feels this extreme nervousness and anxiety about what the future holds.  But on the other hand, she is extremely grateful for everything that has happened so far.  One’s outlook on life is certainly altered.

Since we all experience some measure of change, tragedy, sorrow, and loss, I asked Elizabeth if she would share some of the insights and lessons she learned during this process that might also serve as words of wisdom for us in this journey called life.  Her honest and poignant answers touched my heart.  I mention these in no particular order of significance, as all played an important role in her healing process.  She spoke of each of these at length and with intense passion.  Sharing them took great introspection, great courage, and great strength.

First, love is a great healer.  And love involves people.  People make a difference.  We all can make a difference in someone’s life.  Elizabeth spoke with tears of joy and gratitude about her family and the community of people who have supported her during this healing process…people who have walked alongside her and encouraged her by serving as caregivers, cheerleaders, and prayer warriors.  Her deep gratitude for all the notes, flowers, visits, and care received was obvious and absolute.  Sometimes just being there is the greatest gift we can give, and the actual words take on less meaning.   The extreme thoughtfulness of people, sometimes even those who begin as strangers, can give such great hope to one in need of searching for strength.   For instance, Elizabeth had been in the ICU for about 3 days post-surgery.  She was separated from her family.  She hadn’t had a bath or been able to brush her teeth.  Unbelievably, blood was still caked in her hair and smeared on her face from where it had pooled while she was lying helplessly on the cement.  Her eyes, blackened from the accident, still contained her contact lenses.   Her days-old makeup now looking ghoulish.  During the depths of her despair is when small-statured Sandy bebopped into her room with her pink nurse’s uniform, eyeglasses, and brown ponytail wearing a gigantic smile.  Sandy gently washed Elizabeth’s face and body, brushed her hair, removing the clumps of blood, brushed her teeth, and removed her contacts.  Sometimes, we all need a little of God in skin form…and Sandy was just the skin she needed.  Sandy set up Elizabeth’s phone so that it would automatically answer since she could not use her hands, allowing her to finally communicate with her husband, family and friends.  Helping fulfill basic human needs is a gift we all can give, and Sandy was a master at it.  Tears streamed down Elizabeth’s face as she recalled the three separate gifts of precious time given by friends who made the trip down to spend days with her in Miami while she was in the hospital when her husband could not be there.  Sometimes it’s not what we say (and everyone knows how hard it can be to find the right words to say at these times); sometimes it’s just being there.  It’s at times like these we can all be “surprised by love” …and Elizabeth’s gratefulness for every person who contacted her, prayed for her, and encouraged her was immensely apparent. 

Secondly, Elizabeth’s faith was tested and revitalized.  As humans, it is natural for us to want to understand everything…the whys, the whens, the wheres, the hows.  And when we don’t get the answers, it’s common to get angry at God.  Elizabeth was no different.  Her anger was fierce in the beginning, and there are still days when she feels a bit cross with Him.  And I think God understands our anger.  He certainly seemed to understand Job’s.  But then, there’s this marvelous gift of faith…and it is a gift.   But we must decide to accept it.  There are times we must choose to have faith, to have hope, and to believe.  It’s easy to fall prey to misery based on our circumstances.  Elizabeth made the decision not only to accept that gift of faith, but to exercise it as she daily made the choice to fight, not only for physical strength, but fight against the strongholds of depression, self-pity, and negativity.  In addition, she expressed appreciation for the spirituality and prayers of others during this time, articulating that it was a magnificent force for good, greatly aiding in her healing process.  That faith continues to give her hope during this long process, knowing that indeed, God does have his hand on her healing journey and on her future.  Although we crave reasoning, order, logic, and fairness, we must choose to let go of these, knowing that we may not know the reason for a very long time, if at all.  We find that our peace of mind comes not from reasoning or logic or fairness.  It doesn’t come from understanding.  It comes from hope and acceptance…from the gratefulness of realizing just how much we are loved and how much others care.  Elizabeth continues to embrace the hope that faith brings, even on the darkest days.  For it is hope that anchors the soul in difficult and seemingly impossible times.

When faced with adversity, people fold or they are transformed.  Nothing in this seemingly brief world is as it was.  Elizabeth learned, as should we, that our strength is limited, making it even more important to rest in God’s strength.  She learned that there would be times when she didn’t have a lot to give physically or emotionally.  But she continued to be amazed at the love and strength shown to her by others.  From the depths of despair, she has learned to love deeper, care and be cared for, to reach out, to understand that our weakness can bring out the strength in others.  She has learned what it means to be even a greater version of herself for the sake of others.  She has seen selfishness obliterated by empathy and pride humbled willingly by a desire to serve and give.  She has seen people at their best as she was experiencing the worst.  Out of the depths of despair she experienced a renewed joy in the simple things of life.  Desires and priorities were transformed and rearranged.   Maintaining a spirit of optimism became a choice she made each and every day.  That is a lesson from which all of us could benefit!

It would be disingenuous to imply that there are not still moments of depression and numbness that creep in.  There are still days when she experiences meltdowns and misses parts of her old life. She often longs for the joy of just being out on the tennis court or just being able to do simple tasks all by herself.   But she has found a safe haven to experience those times of despair and grief that bring uncontrollable sobbing…her family, friends, therapists, and counselors at Ability KC have been truly wonderful and life-giving. 

Lastly, Elizabeth has become more conscientious of truly living life in the moment.   We spend so much time worrying about tomorrow.  Each day certainly has proven to have enough worries of its own.   She has made a point of enjoying the moments spent with others.  She has learned to love more deeply in the present.  For truly, love is a choice made.  It is an action, not a gooey feeling.  It is appreciating others, forgiving others, leaning on others, asking for help, and allowing them to be strong.  In order to live like that she has learned to feel the whole gamut of emotions connected to pain and recovery.  But she never allows the fear, anxiety, or sadness to overshadow the joy, the hope, and excitement that small steps in life bring to each day.  She has learned the truth…that life is fragile.  And, although it can change in the blink of an eye, it’s really not about the changes.  It’s about how you choose to respond to them. 

Elizabeth’s story may differ from yours or mine, but the themes of persistence, resiliency, fear, health, wellness, and goal setting are applicable to all.  She has become the hero of her own story.  She now finds joy and gratitude in everyday blessings.  She is learning to live life in the present and make the most of every opportunity.  She loves with greater depth, never missing the opportunity to show gratitude.   She realizes people can and do make a difference, one person and one moment at a time.  She understands in a most prolific way that life is too short and too fragile to spend time chasing after unnecessary things or unneeded possessions.  The greatest gifts were right there in front of her all along!  

[annehopeblog]

The Last Week of Life…

If I knew I had but one week left of life on this earth, what would I choose to do?  It’s not a thought that crosses my mind most days, but maybe it should.  Perhaps I’d make more of each day.  Instead, it is usually precipitated by some tragic news like cancer, an accident, or Russia invading Ukraine.  And suddenly time seems more valuable.  

It seems we generally think time is something we always have more of…until we don’t.  Singer/songwriter Jim Croce was 28 when he and his wife had their first child.  After taking some time off for family and before beginning a grueling 2 years of concerts, he prophetically wrote, “There never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them.”  Little did he know when he boarded a small plane after his concert in Louisiana, on his way to yet another concert in Texas, that the pilot would suffer a heart attack on takeoff.  The plane crashed into a pecan tree killing all on board.  Jim Croce was only 30.  Earlier in the day he had written a letter to his wife, Ingrid.  It arrived after his death.

“This is a birth note, Baby. And when I get back everything will be different. We’re gonna have a life together, Ing, I promise. I’m gonna concentrate on my health. I’m gonna become a public hermit. I’m gonna get my Master’s Degree. I’m gonna write short stories and movie scripts. Who knows, I might even get a tan. Give a kiss to my little man and tell him Daddy loves him.

Remember, it’s the first sixty years that count and I’ve got 30 to go. I Love you, Jim

Seems we always think there is more time…time to forgive, time to tell others how much they mean to us, time to mend fences, time to watch our children grow, time to do something nice for someone else, time to really love others.  I grew a new appreciation of time when my husband died of testicular cancer at the age of 27, leaving me with a newborn.  I decided quickly that I needed to make a “bucket list” of things I wanted to do.  After all, one never knows how much time is left.   I promised myself to do something on the list at least every 2 years.  So, I learned guitar, rafted the Grand Canyon for a week, did an immersion program in France to work on my French, got scuba certified, and sought to quench the wanderlust in my DNA by traveling to new countries and experiencing new cultures.   But the real gift was not on that list.  As my daughter grew, I discovered the unconditional, unimaginable type of crazy love that would make a person be willing to die to save another.  Time and lists became secondary.

That’s the kind of crazy love that Jesus and the cross represent to me when I contemplate Easter.  As the holiday approaches, I drive by the cemetery near my house and can’t help but notice how many beautiful flower arrangements are on the gravesites.  And I wonder…do dead people get more flowers than live people?  If so, why would that be?  (I can’t help it…that’s just the way my brain works!)  How many times did the people buried in those graves receive flowers while they were alive?  I once sent my mother flowers on MY birthday, thanking her for having me.  (By the way, she thought that was very strange!)  But random acts of love, kindness, and gratitude are our calling cards to reach out to a world in need.

And that’s what Easter is about…a wonderful, awesome, incredible act of love!  Jesus had only one week to live on this earth…and he KNEW it!  As throngs of Jews flocked from all parts of the known world to experience the yearly Passover week in Jerusalem, Jesus agonized over his last days before death. As he set out for the journey to the Holy City, Jesus knew during that last week he would be exalted by the crowds, betrayed by a friend, suffer, and die.  I wonder if I might learn from how he chose to spend those last days. 

He spent time with close friends in the village of Bethany, a couple of miles outside Jerusalem…not far from Gethsemane.  He rode triumphantly on a colt into Jerusalem through the throngs of people who threw their clothing and some palm branches on the road before him.  He participated in several discussions with religious leaders and teachers of the law.  He had a wonderful supper with his disciples, illustrating the power of servant leadership.  He warned those he loved of the dangers of hypocrisy and how to discern a good leader from a bad one.   He taught the crowds exactly what pleases God:  to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. 

He got righteously angry in the temple, turning over the tables of money changers and driving out merchants.  Jewish law required those attending to pay a temple tax and sacrifice an animal as a sin offering.  Since Jews came from all over, there were many currencies.  But the temple authorities would only accept a certain coinage for paying the temple tax, requiring even citizens of Jerusalem to convert their money into the Tyrian shekel.  Those traveling from afar would often need to purchase a sacrificial animal when they arrived.   Unfortunately, many of these merchants were less than honest. 

He prayed for his disciples and the trials they would face, even as he knew one would betray him.  He healed a wounded soldier who came to arrest him.  He endured illegal trials in the middle of the night.  One of his best friends denied their relationship.  He was spit on, beaten, mocked with a crown of thorns, and forced to carry a crossbeam to a place outside the city where he was crucified and died. 

But that’s not the whole story.  He forgave them, even those who seemed to take glee in his pain and humiliation.  And a new week began.  Death was defeated, the final sacrifice made.   “He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our sin; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.”  (Isaiah 53:5) It was this very punishment and suffering that Isaiah predicted would bring us peace and healing.   

If I only had a week left on this earth, rather than be anxious about time, I hope I would seek to do extravagant acts of crazy love, to give flowers to the living, visit friends, share a meal or two, forgive those who have wronged me, and remember daily that I can experience a wonderful peace through Christ.   Time, after all, is just a number.  So why not begin now?

[annehopeblog]

Aging...Everything You Needed to Know

Did you know that men can reach their physical peak as late as age 39?  Sadly, women tend to reach their peak by age 36 or younger.  For many, the “aging” process starts as young as 25 (sorry to report this to the younger readers).  From the day we are born we are all getting older.  That’s right…no one is getting younger.  Try as we may, especially for those of us who are athletic warriors, it is difficult to admit that the song is true.  “Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.  We don’t run as quickly; our reaction times slow; our eyesight isn’t what it used to be; we don’t bounce back from injury or recover from fatigue as rapidly.  We fight aging.  We try to ignore it.  We may even try to deny it.  After all, if you’re like me, you still FEEL 36 in your mind!  It’s paradoxical…the thought of living a long life appeals to most, but the idea of getting old appeals to no one!

As a child, we couldn’t wait for our next birthday.  We couldn’t wait to reach 16 so we could drive; 18 so we could vote; 21 so we could legally drink.  We couldn’t wait to fall in love, come of age, have a career, maybe have kids, own a home, and make a difference in the world.  When you’re 15 or 20, it’s hard to look 15 years down the road.  It’s even difficult to do that for some at age 30 or 40.   We’re so busy bumbling through life, trying to get comfortable in our own skin, and struggling to gain confidence in our early years, it becomes impossible to get a vision outside the tight center of our world that we live in.   

Many of us wonder how old is “old”?  Well, that certainly depends on the age of the one doing the judging.  When I took my daughter to kindergarten the first day a little boy ran up to introduce himself to my lovely 5-year-old and subsequently asked if I was her grandmother.  Geez!  I’ve never wanted to slap a kid so badly as that day when I was 37!  Sixty can seem old to a 30-year-old, and eighty-five can seem old to a 60-year-old.  Our definition of “old” changes as we age.  The World Health Organization (WHO) characterizes people in most nations as being “old” after the age of 60.  But in Africa, you are considered “old” when you hit 50!

So what age is the perfect age?  Or, if you could freeze time, at what age would you choose to remain?  A recent survey of Americans aged 65 to 85 had interesting results when asked that question.  The winner (40%) was age 36.  Childhood came in second, age 6 (22%).  And age 65 came in a close third (21%).  Those surveyed indicated that by age 36 they felt they had some mastery of life skills and were more self-confident.  That same survey asked what age span was perceived as most fun and what age span was least fun.  You may be surprised to learn that the most fun age span was deemed to be 60-75 (62%).  The least fun was the age span of 40-55 (77%) due to the reported increased levels of stress caused by life changes during that time, as well as adjusting to the aging process. 

Why is the aging process so stressful?  Other than decreased elasticity in the skin, less collagen, fewer sex hormones, decreased metabolism, deterioration of taste buds, sight, and hearing, decreased lung capacity, less bone density, and less cell regeneration, what could possibly be stressful?  It must be the loss of hair, or perhaps new hair starting to sprout from places unforeseen.  Or maybe it’s the new wrinkles, or that our ears and nose start to sag and look larger due to decreased elasticity.  Whatever the case, the aging process can bring stress.  No one wants to look old, but for some the aging process stings a bit more.  If you’ve never had beauty, it’s less difficult to watch it fade.  If you’ve never been athletic, it’s not as painful if you get dropped from a team for being a little slower.  If you’ve never had a stunning physique, it’s not as frustrating when you can’t maintain those proportions as your metabolism decreases. 

Certainly, aging is a period of change, especially in the “middle aged years.”  But change can be good.  Beginnings can be exciting.  Unfortunately, change can also bring endings and loss, and many of these come during that dreaded age span of 40-55.  Divorce, losing a pet, losing a parent, losing a spouse, change of job, an unwanted move, your house becoming an empty nest…Kelly Clarkson sings, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  But sometimes those changes DO feel like they kill parts of us.  And in the process of death, it hurts…badly.  Suddenly, or perhaps subtly, a season of life ends and a new one begins.  A familiar folk song was taken from the wisdom of the book of Ecclesiastes: “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens, a time to be born, a time to die, a time to break down, a time to build up, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”   When there is a change in our “season” it is natural that there will be a time of mourning before the time of joy.  Sometimes it just takes a while for us to realize that season is really over.  We fool ourselves by trying to hang on.  But what we’re really doing is delaying the joy that can come with that new season.  Yet sometimes it just takes a while to get through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.  

Once acceptance occurs, we see that aging is just that…a series of seasons.  And since when did aging become such a bad thing?  There was a time when aging brought respect.  And there are still cultures where the aged are revered.  Our society has geared us to fight aging in every way we can, with our money, our diet, our medicine, our clothing, our surgeries, and our minds.  We desperately seek ways to prevent aging, all the while trying not to show our age or, at times, even reveal our age.  Yet we are encouraged to “age gracefully.”  I’m not quite sure what that means, but I think it includes not wearing miniskirts after age 65.  We chase the fountain of youth as we dread becoming old and gray, or a burden on someone.   And it doesn’t quite seem fair that gray hair and wrinkles make a woman old but make a man “distinguished.”  But we all know life isn’t fair.  Never was, never will be.  But I, for one, am grateful it isn’t fair.  I probably deserve a lot more bad consequences than what I’ve received if we’re really talking fair!

What exactly makes us age…other than time, of course.  The inevitable casualties of aging are mostly due to cells failing to divide and replace each other over time.  This lack of cellular regeneration is accompanied by a gradual breakdown of the immune system and can be rushed along by environmental factors, disease, and other damaging personal habits.  As we age, our cells can become confused and actually start attacking themselves, especially in the lungs.  Of course, there are much more complicated biological demons such as telomeres, DNA methylation, and free radicals that can play a significant role.  So, we pump our bodies with antioxidants to combat the free radicals.  We sunscreen up as adults after frying in our younger years.  We keep our bodies in motion so they can stay in motion.  If we’re smart, we give up bad habits.   But regardless, aging is the inevitable part of living.   Eventually, most of us learn to accept it, but scientists continue to work on miracle drugs to slow down the process.  Clinical trials of a new drug, RTB101, have shown to be effective in slowing down the decline of the immune system and the aging process in insects and mice.  But alas, it is not approved for us humans yet.

If it was up to Harvard educated physician, Ezekiel Emanuel, who served as Special Advisor to President Obama for the construction of Obamacare, those scientific studies would cease to exist.  For those who are contemplating their older years, you’ll be happy to know that President Obama did not agree with his advisor’s views or recommendations.   Dr. Emanuel argued that after age 75 people are more a burden to society, leading less fulfilling and meaningless lives.  He actually proposed that society should refuse all heroic medical interventions, vaccinations, and antibiotics for those after the age of 75.  Had this passed, our current president would have to start worrying! 

As crazy as that idea may seem, there is an underlying pervasive theme in our society that can creep into our thinking— “We are only worth what we can contribute.”  That is my biggest fear in aging, that people may start to think I have less to offer; I am replaceable; I am less valuable.  Those types of thoughts are an insult to our dignity, the creatures that God created.  We all have worth.  We are all part of God’s plan, and as long as we are still on this side of the grass, I believe there is a reason and a purpose.  If you believe that this life on earth is all there is, it is natural to seek to extend it as long as possible, to revere it and treasure it.  But what if there is more?  Scripture has some interesting insights on aging and its seasons from which we can gain comfort and hope. 

Psalm 92:14  “Even in old age, they will still produce fruit; they will remain vital and green.”

Job 12:12  “Wisdom belongs to the aged and understanding to the old.”

Isaiah 46:4  “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

Psalm 139:13-16  “For you, O God, created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; I know full well that your works are wonderful.  The bones of my frame were not hidden from you when I was made…Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days of my life that you ordained for me were written in your book even before one came to be.”

Jeremiah 29:11  “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope.”

Exactly what is the perfect age?  I would propose that the perfect age is when you realize exactly how short and fragile life actually is.  When we realize that James 4:14 is true.  “What is your life?  For you are but a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.”   For a dear friend, that realization came when her child died at the age of 4 from leukemia.  She was 33.  For me, it was when my husband died at age 27.  For others, it is a cancer diagnosis or a debilitating accident.  Life is short, whether you die at 4, 40, or 84.  Even if we live a long life, it is but a short time in the scheme of things. We long to make a difference, to be relevant before it’s too late.  Perhaps our time would be better utilized finding joy in each day and bringing joy to others.   Sometimes the gift of joy and caring makes all the difference in the world to another when you least suspect it.  A teacher who has no idea of the impact he made on a student simply by caring.  A friend who had no words to say but is there during a time of crisis.  Or just a regular person who encourages another during a struggle of daily life. 

The seasons of aging are gifts.  Gifts to be shared.  Gifts to learn from and to grow by.  Each season is a time to discover the “awe” in life.  Each and every season is a time to dream.  We are only old when we stop dreaming, when we stop discovering new things, experiencing new adventures, growing in new directions.  Joy should be at the heart of aging, for it is in growing older that we now have the wisdom to mix with wonder, the confidence to reach out boldly or attempt new things, the people skills to nurture relationships, the humility to realize we are not perfect and don’t have to try to be, and the spunk to cease being consumed by what others think of us.  Our years of experiences are treasures that can be the building blocks passed forward to others.

I’ll close with some passing thoughts given by Andy Rooney (who lived to the ripe age of 92) on the wonders of aging…especially as it pertains to women.   

“I value an older woman.  She will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, ‘What are you thinking?’  She could care less what you’re thinking.  Older women are generous with praise.  They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.  They have the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends, whereas a younger woman will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women.  Older women are forthright and honest.  They’ll tell you right off if you’re a jerk, or if you’re acting like one.  You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.  Yes, for every stunning, smart, well-coifed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.” 

Who said age doesn’t bring wisdom?  Thank you, Mr. Rooney! 😊

[annehopeblog]

QUIZ YOURSELF!

One day Jay Leno was hosting the Tonight Show, he walked with his camera man onto the streets of the city outside his studio asking random people if they could name the Ten Commandments.  The answers were tragically funny as most struggled to name four.  Don’t lie, don’t murder, and don’t steal were the ones most people remembered.  After that, the answers were often hilarious. 

The most common errant guess was, “God helps those who help themselves.”  I’ve even heard Christians use this line as advice at times.  (Just so you have your facts straight, this line does not come from the Bible, but from an Aesop fairy tale and is not Scripturally sound at all.)  Scripture actually teaches that God helps those who turn to him.  He is immensely interested in helping those who desperately depend on and need his help. 

Hollywood has made many movies about the commandments.  In perhaps the most famous, Charlton Heston played the great role of Moses, receiving the commandments from God.  Most everyone has heard of the Ten Commandments, but most people (including church going folks) cannot actually name them.  Take a moment to see how many you can come up with.  That’s right…count them on your fingers.  How did you fare?

Now you may be asking yourself, “Who cares?  Why do I need to know them?”  The short answer is that you don’t NEED to know them.  But they have offered practical, productive advice for thousands of years.  These commands are sound, basic, and moral guides that can help keep us out of trouble…with ourselves, our family and friends, neighbors, and even other nations.  Most cultures and societies have incorporated many, if not all of these, into their government and system of law.  So what are they?  Here's the short version:

Worship no other gods but Yahweh (the Hebrew name for the Jewish/Christian God)

Don’t make any graven images of God.

Don’t take the name of God in vain.

Observe the Sabbath.

Honor your parents.

Don’t kill.

Don’t commit adultery.

Don’t steal.

Don’t lie or perjure yourself.

Don’t covet other people’s possessions.

How many were you able to name?  The history of how they came to be is fascinating, and there are many misconceptions about the Ten Commandments.  Contrary to what many believe, they have NOT been around since the beginning of time.  Mankind had been on the earth for thousands of years before these commandments were given.  From Adam and Eve to Noah and the flood to Abraham who, according to the Bible, was called by God (Yahweh) to form a nation that would be “set apart” from the other nations who worshipped many gods.  This nation of Israelites was formed through the descendants of Abraham, and God promised them a land of their own. 

For centuries they grew in number and thrived.  They are mentioned as a nation in Egyptian historical documents as early as 1219 B.C. (before Christ was born).  Egypt played a significant role in their history.  Many of the Israelites had migrated to Egypt during a prolonged time of famine in their own country.  They found favor with the Pharoah for a long period of time.  It was in Egypt that their numbers and wealth grew exponentially.    When a new Pharoah ascended the throne, he feared this nation of Israelites had become too powerful.  So, he enslaved them, and they remained slaves in Egypt for over 400 years.

It wasn’t until Moses led the people of Israel out of Egypt that the Ten Commandments were given.  Anyone who lived before the time of Moses had never heard of them.  In fact, the first couple of commands would have seemed especially odd to them.  They were a people who had been immersed in Egyptian culture and customs for hundreds of years, a culture that worshipped so many gods it was difficult to track them all.  There were certainly Israelites who worshipped and believed in Yahweh, but Yahweh had become one of many gods that were worshipped. 

To appreciate the reasons for the Ten Commandments, one would have to understand that, at this time, the idea of a single, all-powerful God was a completely foreign concept.   The Israelites needed to be convinced that Yahweh is the one true God, and his power was fully displayed in the ten increasingly severe plagues he sent to Egypt.  By the end of the tenth plague, the Egyptians were begging the Israelites to leave. 

There is much more to the story that can be read in the book of Exodus if you’re interested, but it is critical to realize that, understandably, the first 3 commands God gave were shockingly different:  worship no other gods but me, don’t make any images or statues to worship, and don’t use my name in vain.

A respect was being established.  The remaining commands would serve as a plumb line for living, instructions given to supervise a particular people at a time when the lines of right and wrong had been dramatically blurred by hundreds of years of abuse.  God was calling this particular nation to new and healthier life-giving standards of living.  After prolonged slavery they desperately needed guidance on how to act, how to treat others, and how to prioritize. 

God knew they couldn’t keep these laws perfectly.  After all, murder, adultery, lying, cheating, stealing, and coveting had been around since Adam.  But these commands gave a clarity to a people who had lost all concept of moral law.  Lest we think ourselves better than they and without need of such guidance, I can only say that I, for one, have broken all ten of these commandments in my lifespan.   Yes, all ten.  (A big shout out to God for forgiveness and grace through Christ!)

Perhaps our lives and our world would be far better if we strived to follow these moral guidelines more closely.  People, cultures, and nations tend to deteriorate when they stray from these precepts.  A prolific example is Hitler’s Germany.  Hitler became his own god, worshipped and feared by the people.  Swastikas and the Third Reich became powerful symbols of authority.  Hitler’s jaded morality brokered a crazed society where it became commonplace to kill, lie, steal, and covet the possessions of others.  Respect for life, property, and human rights evaporated.  Moral decay can happen so gradually sometimes that we look back and ask ourselves, ‘How did we let that happen?”   I wonder at times if the current situation between Russia and Ukraine is playing itself out in much the same manner.

One of my favorite posters of all time is “All I Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” written by Robert Fulghum.  (If you’ve never read it, you are missing a treat!)  Using that as a premise, consider how much better our world might become if we had a poster like the one below to remind us daily.

Everything I Really Needed to Learn From the Ten Commandments

This world can be an exciting, daunting, confusing, difficult, and challenging place to live. There is much I can learn from the Ten Commandments.  But wisdom is not in following a set of rules.  Any frightened person can do that.  Wisdom is not in the sand pile of human experience, for we often don’t learn enough from our mistakes.  Wisdom is being brave enough to believe the Maker of my heart gave me guidelines to help me live this life abundantly, no matter what unforeseen factors may occur. Ω Don’t have any other gods.  When I take my eyes off the true God and try to make myself god, or when I try to follow other gods such as money, prestige, popularity, or power, I stray from the basic tenets of human compassion and honor.  Ω If my image becomes more important than the fundamentals of kindness and humility, I risk believing myself to be in control of my universe, which I am definitely not. Ω When I use God’s name in vain, I dishonor both God and myself, showing a lack of self-control and a considerable lack of vocabulary. Ω It's ok and helpful to take a day of rest, a Sabbath.  It allows me to refocus and reduces stress.  My body can recuperate and heal and my productivity increases.  Ω Honor your parents.  Keep in mind that the word is “honor” rather than obey.  To honor is to validate a person’s importance, to treat that person as deserving of respect (whether they actually deserve it or not).  It’s not about blind obedience; it’s about learning from them (even their mistakes) to courageously make the world a better place. Ω Do your best to avoid killing others.  Don’t even get that angry in your heart against another person.  That anger will only destroy you.  While you are obsessing, the other person probably doesn’t give the situation a second thought.  Rather, view life as a sacred gift from God.  Ω Don’t commit adultery.  Have a fidelity to the person you committed yourself to.  Sex is a beautiful and wondrous gift not meant to cause emotional damage to others.  Ω Don’t steal.  And that doesn’t mean just things, like stealing money or supplies from the company’s supply room or “forgetting” to give something back you borrowed or taking something from a store.  Don’t steal from someone’s dignity by gossiping or putting them down.  Ω Don’t lie.  And remember, you can lie by omission as well as commission.  There are lies we tell outright and lies we tell by what we don’t say or leave out.  Both are harmful.  Ω Don’t covet what other people have.  Don’t let your mind fondle their possessions, their spouse, their place in society.  No matter how perfect and fulfilled their lives may seem, we all carry giant bags of problems containing nasty stuff.

What a better world we might have if we all respected God’s authority and, in turn, acted with respect towards others.  If you can’t remember all the Ten Commandments, you’re not alone.  That’s why it is so brilliant the way Jesus pared these 10 commands into 2 that cover everything.  Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind.  And love your neighbor as yourself, treating others the way you want to be treated.  That’s the beginning of tapping into the wisdom needed to live a truly rich life. 

[annehopeblog]

LOVE TO WIN, OR HATE TO LOSE?

The reality of life is that there will always be winners, and there will always be losers.  It’s a natural consequence of living.  The interesting question is what motivates you more…the love of winning, or the dread of losing.  The drive varies from person to person.  Some gain their inspiration in life by the love and elation of winning.  Others, including myself, are driven by the fact that they dislike losing even more than they like to win.  But I have learned that I am in good company.  Many of the most accomplished people have unabashedly declared their hatred of losing.

“Above anything else, I hate to lose.” – Jackie Robinson

Only those who dare to lose and fail can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert F. Kennedy

“I hate to lose more than I like to win.  I hate to see the happiness on their faces when they beat me.” – Jimmy Connors

“To win, the first thing you must do is not lose.” - Warren Buffet

“A champion is afraid of losing.  Everyone else is afraid of winning.” – Billie Jean King

Over and over again, this sentiment is expressed by the likes of Peyton Manning, Bill Gates, Magic Johnson, Abraham Lincoln, Michael Phelps, Larry Bird, Derek Jeter, Roger Federer, Michael Jordan, and Chris Evert.  The greatest competitors are mentally fierce.  For some, losing actually hurts, causing both psychological and physical discomfort.  The thrill of victory stays with them for a while, but the agony of defeat can eat at them until they go at it again.  The elation of victory seems to dim over time, but the anguish of defeat can stay ever poignant in our memories.  I won many AAU races as a youth that are now merely hazy recollections.  But I will NEVER forget the 100-meter dash I should have won when I fell trying to lean into the finish line. 

Scientific studies have shown that losing just feels worse than the “feel good” of winning.  In fact, humans have a definite bias towards avoiding loss…three times more or greater.  In other words, people hate losing $100 at least three times more than they like winning $100!  Everyone loves to win, but when a person hates to lose, that person will do almost anything it takes NOT to lose. 

But we can’t let the fear of losing turn us into desperate people who want to win at any cost.  It is then that we lose what makes us human…our heart.  Nor can we let fear of losing become crippling.  It’s a fine, mental line.  Risk aversion can bring its own set of problems:  stress, negative emotions, dodging tasks to avoid the risk of losing, self-esteem issues, or acting out in a socially unacceptable or irrational manner.  If you haven’t experienced a lot of loss or failure in life, business, love, or sports, you may not be pushing yourself enough!

We must all learn the secret of losing gracefully.  After all, no one likes a poor loser.  And we will all be losers many times in our lives.  Losing teaches us more than winning ever will, if we let it.  Whether it is in relationships, business, or sports, how we handle losing is an indicator of who we really are.  Do we own the loss, or blame others?  Was it bad luck, or can we genuinely analyze our failures?  Can we humbly admit when it’s not our best day, or when someone outworked us, or just had more talent? 

I always try to remember this:  winning or losing does not determine my self-worth.  God gave me that!  It doesn’t take away the sting of defeat in relationships, life, or sports, but it does keep my perspective in the right place.  As terrible as losing can feel, if we learn to embrace it and learn from it, greatness can be achieved in life, love, business, relationships, and sports.

I am not a particularly special person or a particularly strong person.  Nor am I all that gifted compared to a lot of people.  But I am a person who really dislikes losing.  So I try hard, really hard, to learn from my losses.  My opponent is my teacher, showing me what I need to do better and what I am best at.  The minute I start to think of my opponent as “the enemy” is the moment I veer towards losing.  Losing is not failure.  It is merely a delay, a detour to future success.  And success is not built on success.  It is built on failure, on loss, on frustration, and sometimes even catastrophic events.

We have all heard it said at some point in our lives, “It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.”  I get that.  The value is on self-improvement, mastery of skills, following the rules, and attitude.  There are even people who dislike competition in general and find it distasteful.  I admit I don’t understand that notion.  What I do know is that when I see a person who really dislikes losing, I want them on MY team.   I’ll take a person who is driven by an aversion to loss over a person who is driven by success any day.  I want to work with someone who won’t settle for just giving it their best shot.  I want to surround myself with those who consistently work harder, make sacrifices, give more time and effort, and want to do heroic things.  I just don’t understand people who are ok with losing. 

I know we will all lose at times.  It’s sometimes odd to think that success in baseball is batting over 300.  Or that success in basketball is shooting over 50% from the field.  And gymnastics is a totally different animal.  You get ONE shot…only one.  You can make 99 of 100 routines in practice, but you get only one shot at an event in a real match.  That is truly mental toughness.  I want to be around people who are not afraid to push themselves to be better.  Those are the people who inspire me in life. 

The best feeling is winning a game you should have lost.  And the worst feeling is losing a game you should have won.  A mature person recognizes those “should have” situations.  Competition is not a bad thing.  No matter what side of the coin you lean towards, each of us must LEARN to be winners AND losers.  That learning process comes more quickly for some than others.  Michael Jordan wisely expressed his recognition of this lesson: “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career.  I’ve lost almost 300 games.  26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed.  I have failed over and over again in my life.  And that is why I succeed.”

Working hard for a goal or a relationship is a good thing.  We learn to focus on what we can control.  We learn to compete not only for the love of competition, but to better ourselves.  We learn to face each task with courage and grace.  Humility will always fight pride.  But there can be great joy and fulfillment in competing.  And as we grow, we learn that we are not defeated when we lose.  We are defeated when we quit. 

“In life, winning and losing will both happen.  What is never acceptable is quitting.” – Magic Johnson

There are a few of those magnificent competitors who are motivated by the love of winning.  These types of people tend to be more exploratory, risk tolerant, and have fewer self-esteem issues.  But it is hard to ignore that most overachievers and highly successful people testify freely they are motivated by a very real dislike of losing.  Unfortunately, these same people can be the worst of losers, at times ruthless and extremely unpleasant.  Calling them “nice” may even be an insult to them.  Yes, we all know people like that! 

Loss and failure are the ultimate concern.  God often grows us more in the valleys of life than the mountaintops.  As trite as it may sound, those of us who hate to lose can evolve through adversity to be even worthier competitors, growing in character, developing more peace, kindness, self-control, gentleness, and patience.   Sometimes, losing can even be winning.  You may lose a relationship only to gain a more fulfilling one.  You may lose a job only to discover you can be more satisfied and better used elsewhere.  You may fail a test only to let it be a wake-up call to put in a greater effort.  You may get beat in a game only to become aware of the areas you need to improve.  Strength doesn’t come from winning, but from the losses and hardship we face.  Everything we go through is preparing us for the next level.

In the long run, God is more interested in our character than whether we win or lose.  When winning becomes more important than character, we need to do a hard self-check.  When pride becomes greater than integrity, we risk losing our dignity.  Training the body is often much, much easier than training the tongue or the mind! 

The Bible has much to say about competing.  During the time of Paul, Rome was known for its Olympic Games.  Many of the metaphors he used in his writings dealt with competition, and they are words from which we could all benefit.  We are advised to:  run with endurance the race set before us; run the race to win and finish well; set yourself apart with dignity and high integrity; act not in a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control; never let ugly or hateful words come from your mouth, but let your words be beautiful gifts (or just keep your mouth shut!); handle yourself with dignity and respect others; train hard and push yourself; work hard and fight the good fight; do nothing in conceit, but be grateful in humility for all you have; compete by the rules or you will lose your crown; be genuine and hold fast to what is good; don’t grumble; find peace, forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what is ahead. 

Such advice cannot be argued.  We must remember that in the long run the race is not always to the swift, the battle to the strong, riches to the intelligent, or favor to the wise.  Time and chance happen to them all.  We all win; we all lose.  How we play the game of life does indeed make a difference! https://www.annehopebooks.com/blog