annekesthoughts

[annekesthoughts]

My Final AP Lit Essay

Anneke DeJong

Mrs. Spevak

AP Literature and Composition

20 April 2022

Trevor and Little Dog: a River Embodied

A river is an experience that leads us to the destination we are meant to reach. But in love, what is the river, and what is the destination? In the novel On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, Ocean Vuong’s speaker, Little Dog, writes to his mother explaining this path. In this letter, Little Dog describes the challenges he faced growing up and the experiences that marked his childhood and adolescence, one of these things being Trevor, a boy he met while working. Trevor was a turning point for him, showing him what pure and intimate love was, and proving that love was more than the hostility he received from his mother. 

To understand the profound nature of Trevor, Little Dog’s backstory must be known. He was born in the Philippines to a woman enduring the harsh reality of the Vietnam war. In an act of fleeing, they migrate to the United States, specifically to Hartford, a rural community in Connecticut. Being born to a Vietnamese immigrant mother meant he inherited her trauma in seeing her Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and violent tendencies. Surrounded by violence growing up, it was all she knew of love, which resulted in Little Dog being raised a beaten child, affirming that with love came violence. “The first time you hit me, I must have been four,.” Little Dog writes on only the third page of his letter, establishing that this abuse was the foundation of the challenges he faced with his mother (Vuong 5). He was not only abused by his mother but by peers as well. “‘Speak English,’ said the boy with a yellow bowl cut, his jowls flushed and rippling… They waited to see what would happen. When I did nothing but close my eyes, the boy slapped me.” (24). Being different in America means being singled out; he was bullied and went unnoticed for anything other than his skin color and lack of English. He went unnoticed like this until one day, while working on a tobacco farm, Trevor came up to him (94). For the first time, he felt seen. Glowing from this approach for reasons other than malicious intent or humiliation, Little Dog writes “I was seen — I who had seldom been seen by anyone. I who was taught, by you, to be invisible in order to be safe…” (96). 

A shot of Trevor is often chased with descriptive symbolism highlighting the deep and poetic nature of this romance. One piece of symbolism, in particular, is that of a river, which is referred to consistently within Little Dog’s description of Trevor and the moments they share. This river is a theme describing the love that Trevor leads him to see, to redefine. It first appears in a scene that Little Dog describes to his mother, one wherein Trevor’s name isn’t actually mentioned at all: it was when Trevor was high on Oxycontin and crashed his Chevy truck into a tree. “Although it covers both of their faces, the blood belongs to the tall boy, the ones with eyes the dark grey of a river beneath somebody’s shadow.” (75). Although this moment occurred after their meeting, it is where Little Dog first mentions Trevor, perhaps in reminiscence. From the perspective of Little Dog reminiscing, it can be assumed that in this metaphor, he is the one standing over the river that is Trevor, looking upon the affection that he has shown him. Additionally, this symbolism is very intentionally introduced within this scene, as it too is repeatedly brought up throughout the novel, indicating that this was a defining moment for Little Dog. Vuong has a way of planting metaphors perfectly throughout the book, always very carefully and intentionally. The fact that he linked these two things together is indicative of their meaning to Little Dog, further proving that the symbolism of a river is important in describing Trevor and his relationship.

The next time it is brought up, it is a mere few days after they meet, where Little Dog uses it to provide imagery of Trevor’s body. “And maybe it was there in the barn that I first saw what I would always see when flesh is pressed against the dark. How the sharp edges of his body — shoulders, elbows, chin, and nose — poked through the blackness, a body halfway in, or out of, a river’s surface,.” narrates Little Dog as they increasingly grow physically close to each other (104). This mention of a river not only portrays the descending into the metaphorical river that is their love, but being paired with the color black, it also signifies that Trevor is a “light in the dark” spotlighting that there is more to love than brutality and belligerence. 

Then, in a chapter written encapsulating all that Trevor was to him, Little Dog writes “Because he tasted like the river and maybe [I was] one wing away from sinking.” (158). This line in the poem that is this chapter embodies the love that Little Dog was sinking into. This chapter deviated from the writing style of the rest of the book to a prose poetry to write about what, quoted by Little Dog, “Trevor was.” (178). Its mention of the river only further proves the connection between a river to Trevor and Little Dog’s love for each other. 

The defining scene of this theme begins on page 203, when they had anal intercourse for the first time after engaging in sexual activities in other ways up until this point. This was a moment where all curtains were dropped: they were no longer afraid of being gay and succumbed to each other’s love without allowing the judgement of society to seep in. Little Dog gave himself to Trevor without fear of his vulnerability being taken advantage of, and it wasn’t. When this act of intimacy went wrong, and Little Dog accidentally defecated on Trevor, he was accepting, and instead of responding with anger, simply led them to the river to wash off. Even when Little Dog expected hostility, hearing “Lick it up” instead of “Get up”, thinking “How did I already know he would react like this?” in response to the mishearing, Trevor only acted with kindness and acceptance (204). This scene is the river theme in itself, explaining why Little Dog used a river and proving the deeper meaning. When Trevor accepted what had happened, it proved that he was deviating from the hostility that Little Dog knew to be love. When they entered the river, it was a metaphor for entering love, being engulfed by it. “The river up to my chest now, I waved my arms to keep steady.” (205). Little dog is floating in this now overtaking, all accepting love that he has never experienced before.

Rivers are notoriously known for being symbols of paths that lead a character to a certain destination, be it a journey or realization. In this case, the river is the realization of what love can be, and how it can escape the confines of what Little Dog learned it to be. He was raised abused, understanding that love is violence and submission. Trevor changes this for him, showing him kindness and intimacy without judgment. Throughout this novel, it is made clearer with every allusion to a river that it symbolizes the love between Little Dog and Trevor, and how this river guides Little Dog to see what pure love is. Love is a journey we all take, and for Little Dog, this journey leads to a profound realization of what love is capable of.

thank you and even after almost half a year having past since i read this book, i'm still enraptured by it's depth and beauty. i highly recommend reading the puzzle that is this novel.

[annekesthoughts]

the existentialism of mindfulness

my self-conceptual journey has been a chaotic one. starting last year, i've been trying to be who i am; moreover, trying to find who i am. throughout my childhood, i've based my core beliefs and goals on a defined set of attributes upon which i've formed my personality. back then, i thought this would be enough. if i stuck to these core principles and outlooks then i would be true to myself. in reality, personality runs much deeper than this.

i first started contemplating this when, after covid and subsequent hours a day spent on tik tok and other social media platforms for over a year, i noticed my friends and i acting the same way. not because we spent time together, but because of the personality traits made "popular" on tik tok and instagram. this almost immediately catapulted me down a spiral of trying to figure out who i was outside of social media's sphere of influence.

as a person, i'm very hesitant towards and aware of society and its' all-consuming nature. how it seeps into our opinions and affects how we view certain things. how we presume we have one idea, but upon hearing the opinion of the masses we immediately change our entire belief system. this stretches many aspects of life, from fashion to things as vital as laws and ethical justifications.

while trying to figure out who i am, i thought: "why don't i just do whatever the fuck i want to do and say whatever the fuck i want to say". i started to incorporate the idea of optimistic nihilism into my life and thought that if i acted as if nothing mattered, then the way i behaved would surely be authentically me. and oh baby, if only it were that easy. because at first look, even when one thinks they're doing this, there's a good chance they're still doing what they "want to do" in the context of other people and society's judgmental eyes. this is at least true to me, a people pleaser, in how i believed i was doing what i wanted to do when in actuality i was acting in a way that was best received by others. studying psychology has only cemented this retrospection, as i've been learning that our sense of self is formed by unconscious feedback received by the people we interact with. this led to me outwardly posing opinions i didn't truly believe in and saying things i didn't actually mean. this was made clear in an interaction i had the other day, where a friend presented one opinion to which i agreed, and upon my agreement, he reminded me that earlier i had said the exact opposite. later that night, i traced the steps of the opinion i had first stated and discerned that it was one i never even believed. this exchange made me question the nature of the ways i behave and the things i say in social interactions.

following this, i've become determined to be more mindful, and instead of defining who i am with concrete characteristics, simply take the time to respond according to what i actually think. however, when throughout your life you've formed opinions in light of others, it can be extremely difficult to think of yourself outside of society's grasp. this may present one with an existential conflict, the dreaded question of "who am i, really?"

in my educational track, we have to take a history of psychology class where we learn about the philosophers and their philosophies that lead to what we now know as modern-day behavioral and cognitive psychology. descartes is a dominant figure in this, and his axiom "i think, therefore i am" has never been more true to me than it is now. this axiom has more history behind it than i'm able to cover in this essay, so i'll let britannica summarize it: "because even if an all-powerful demon were to try to deceive him into thinking that he exists when he does not, he would have to exist in order for the demon to deceive him." and i think this applies almost exactly to the impact of society on our self-concept. in this case, society is the demon "tricking" you into thinking a certain thing, but the mere fact that you can think proves that you are your own entity, capable of existing out of its range of influence.

now, to apply this axiom directly: if you give yourself time to think (outside of the range of society, which i acknowledge is more complicated than simply stepping out of its reach), then you give yourself time to form your own ideas on the situations you find yourself in. instead of being a perception -> response robot, responding the way that you've learned is best received by other people, you can think: "how do i actually feel about this? how do i think is actually the best way of handling this?" and that is how you can begin to handle things in ways that best suit you, as a unique entity.

going a step further with this, i propose the buddhist truth of the ever-changing self, anatta. this belief states that we humans don't possess a non-changing soul, and the personality that we think is solid, we only cling to out of the fear of change. clinging to this assumed personality is what begins our spiral away from our actual beliefs, whether they're conscious or unconscious.

to clarify, i'll provide an example: say you've been raised to believe that stealing is wrong. this is what your parents have taught you, and what you've grown to believe in yourself. now, after years of believing this, it's now developed into a core ethical principle. this is, until you find yourself in an ethical dilemma. in a store, you catch someone stealing food, and they explain to you that their family is starving and they have no money for a meal. this leaves you feeling a cognitive dissonance. you've been raised with the idea that this is wrong, but you still maintain your empathy for this person. a person who was afraid of changing their personality would go down the route of judging this person, or even more extreme and reporting them. a person aware of the ever-changing soul would lean on their empathy and let them go, changing their belief to now accommodate situations such as these, or even reframing their principle altogether.

of course, this is only one situation among the many that we encounter daily. but, this ideology can transfer to any situation in which one may find themselves needing to reevaluate themselves or their attitude.

so, after the many months of introspection i've oh so neatly laid out in this short essay, i've come to a (still very open-to-adaptation) conclusion that to be true to yourself outside of the influence of others, it is best to employ all of the methods i mentioned. optimistic nihilism, the axiom of "i think, therefore i am", and the buddhist belief of anatta, all together. i've found that adopting these philosophies/ideas in isolation has led to confusion and feeling like a knotted ball of yarn that just gets more knotted as you try to untangle it. however, that's not to say that i'm untangled, in the slightest. the journey to self-discovery is lifelong and requires thought and consideration, but it's worth it.

i've decided to write an essay on this because i've been seeing that many people are confused with who they are and who they want to be, especially on social media. i hope this essay provides some comfort that it's okay, and your journey is in the hands of the wind now. let it carry you.

disclaimer: i am in no way deeming myself an all-knowing figure. this is only what i've concluded from my own research and contemplation.

okay, maybe by the end of this essay you feel a bit of information overload, especially if you've never considered these things before. so, i'll wrap it up in a nice little bow.

TL;DR:

society is an all-consuming beast who, to reach who we are, we need to escape.

utilizing optimistic nihilism to achieve an accurate self-concept is only useful when utilizing it in a mindful way.

descartes' axiom "i think, therefore i am" is applicable even now in the perspective of society, and to be yourself you have to think before you speak.

the buddhist truth of anatta frees you from gripping onto your self-assumed personality.

[annekesthoughts]

The Overturning of Roe v Wade

This past week, the United States Supreme Court has finalized its' ruling to overturn Roe v Wade, which upheld the right to abortion up to 15 weeks throughout the United States. This meant that regardless of the political opinion of any state, they had to ensure, by the constitution, that uterus owning people were able to receive safe abortions up to 15 weeks after conception. Now, I want to start this by saying that this decision to overturn has infuriated, disgusted, and surprised me. From the moment Trump was elected president, I knew this country was regressing. I want to approach this article from a couple angles: emotional, logical, and constitutional.

Starting with emotional, a forced pregnancy can impact not only the child bearer, but their family, their child, and their community. Whether uterus owning people become pregnant by a person they trust, or not, a child unwanted is a child unloved. As much as a child is a "gift from god" or "a miracle" as quoted by anti-abortion people, they will not be raised in an entirely prosperous environment if they were unwanted and motherhood was forced upon the child bearer. That is the foundation that people forced to give birth stand on. Now, if you add circumstances such as rape or incest, that makes the situation even worse. Let me force anti-abortion supporters in the shoes of the sexually assaulted. Trigger warning: Sexual assault situations. Imagine you are assaulted, by a stranger, by a friend, by your cousin, by your own father, and become pregnant. You suffer the trauma of this happening in the first place. You feel taken advantage of, you feel violated, you feel like your power has been completely stripped from you. Then, you miss your period, take a pregnancy test, and discover that you're pregnant with this predators child. Now you have not only been violated once, you are being violated by your own biology. You are being violated within your own body, beneath your own skin, and it is the one thing you could have control over, and that control has yet again been brutally and unfairly ripped away from you. This adds another layer of trauma on to the trauma you have already had to endure. It doesn't stop there, this trauma lasts nine months, sometimes 18 years, sometimes your entire life depending on the scars and marks left on your body as a result of your birth and pregnancy. Now this trauma, that could be treated with therapy and other mental health resources now lives on your skin forever, in your mind forever, sometimes as a living being in your life, forever. This then doesn't only affect the child bearer, but also the child. As I said, a child unwanted is a child unloved, especially when that child is a constant reminder of the trauma you have endured. ///Furthermore, past the pregnancy, whether the child is kept or put up for adoption, it will not be raised in the proper environment for their healthy development. There are many different outcomes for a child of forced pregnancy, be it living through financial troubles or abuse, or living their life through foster care and adoptions. Foster care undoubtedly leaves foster children and children given up for adoption with trauma. They are maltreated and lack the care that they need. This leaves the children themselves with a level of trauma that they have no control over, that could affect the rest of their life. They could grow up to be depressed, anxious, have anger management issues, or many other mental health issues. There are certainly more emotional impacts of a forced pregnancy that I have not discussed here, but I stand by these being the most important and attention-drawing ones.

Next, the logical approach to this court ruling. The overarching reaction I had to this, logically, was: What the everliving fuck. How can you be so fucking hypocritical and so blind to it? This level of hypocrisy screams at me, how can it not scream at you? It slaps me in the face as I walk throughout this country, as I watch the news, as I read the New York Times. It leaves it's handprint across my cheek and stings for hours. How can the supreme court see past this? The hypocrisy is in fact that the United States is revoking the constitutional right of abortion whilst denying universal healthcare, making democratic socialist candidates drop their campaigns, knowingly improperly budgeting foster cares, and so much more. They force birth and then throw up their hands in surrender once the baby is born. "Not my problem" they say, while being the only reason that this baby had to be born. This alarm blares at me, it deafens me. You are not pro-life. You are pro-control, pro-defeat, anti-woman; as this country always has been beneath the surface. It is so obvious to me, be it the voting rights we only earned in the 1900s, or the equal pay we only earned last year. This is just the cherry on top of the fundamental sexism sundae that this country has adopted and kept living. Additionally, adding to the negation of their pro-life-ness, the supreme court, only a few days after overturning Roe v Wade, deemed the concealed carrying of guns a constitutional individual right. This will directly lead to more lives lost, some of them children's lives. Again, how can you see through this opaque wall of hypocrisy?

Finally, the constitutional aspect. Is our supreme court not supposed to interpret the constitution and leave it at that? Are they not supposed to just read what was written in the 1700s and then leave it be? The Supreme Court is becoming political, the one thing the SCOTUS should never become. This case was a matter of opinion. This politicized the one thing that should have protected us and kept our rights secured. We are 15 steps closer to the Handmaid's Tale becoming a reality. Quick, buy your red robes and bonnets before they're sold out.

In this article, I am sure that there are several things that I am missing. I'm sure that what I have written doesn't even touch the true scope of hurt that this overturning has and will cause. I hope that from this you readers feel seen, empathized with, and feel comforted in the fact that I'm angry. We're all angry. We will fight this, and this will not be the end. If there is anything you guys believe I didn't discuss enough, please feel free to let me know and I will edit this article accordingly. I hastily wrote this in the notes app of my phone from a road trip in Europe during a fit of rage. If I had my laptop, I would have been able to draft and write a clearer, more organized essay. For people who are "pro-life", I hope this article opens your eyes, even if it's just a squint, and I hope the seed of shame has been planted in your mind. I am disgusted by you.

[annekesthoughts]

my bedroom mirror now removed

written: 11-21-21

standing in front of the square mirror that has existed in my bedroom since childhood

i analyze my limbs

picking them apart

pulling at the extra skin that i perceive as fat

"i know how i will punish myself for this"

how many extra sit ups will we do tonight?

ten?

twenty?

how could i have recovered

when i still thank myself for meals not eaten

for food delayed

for tastes not tasted

how could i have broken myself like this

how could i have lost myself

a body confined by society

is not a body

but a padded room

for flaws to appear

for love to diminish

for rumination

for hatred

[annekesthoughts]

you litter me

although you are gone,

the dust covering our relationship thickened by time,

parts of you remain.

books removed from bedside tables reveal puzzle pieces of bare wood

surrounded by cotton fibers that once sparkled off of shaken blankets

thrown pillows

you are still here

hidden in reactions

remnants of you in my distrust

a mannerism of yours slips from my lips,

caught in my hands like a firmly held pin puncturing the skin

cells left behind by past lovers scatter my room

souvenirs i cannot rid myself of

and you are all still here

[annekesthoughts]

"scary sounds drowning out the thoughts i thought

would make me wanna leap into the arms of something

that could help me feel at ease but I’m dragged to the floor

pick me up please"

[annekesthoughts]

"got a hole in my chest

i can't take it anymore

put my pillow to the test

let me rest."

[annekesthoughts]

"wind doesn't blow, baby, just 'cause i want it to

you don't want me, honey, just 'cause i wanted you."

[annekesthoughts]

we'll never have sex - leith ross

after being posted on tik tok nearly eight months ago, "we'll never have sex" by leith ross (they/them) has finally been released on spotify. i think it's funny because this song was released on ultimate guitar tabs before spotify, but this is not at all a criticism. good things come with time. however, tik tok has definitely had an impact on the music scene: songs now completely make the rounds before being released. i'm sure you could stop any indie bitch on the street and ask them if they know "the song that goes like depollute me pretty baby" and they'd say yes.

coming early to this song release poses a rare opportunity: to analyze the song before listeners have completely deconstructed it in genius annotations. this means that my analysis of this song will be completely my own, uninfluenced. let me disclose here that this is all my interpretation and it might not be the same as others. feel free to comment on what i say here in the "ask me questions" section of this blog, or in my instagram dms.

this song recreates the feeling of being loved for who you are, rather than your body or something you provide. it starts with light and simple plucking of the guitar strings creating an, as quoted by the song, sweet and simple feeling. then, the first verse:

depollute me, pretty baby suck the rot right out of my bloodstream

being cleansed by a healthy lover. letting go of all past traumas, relinquishing schemas, creating anew with someone who appreciates you.

oh, dilute me, gentle angel water down what I called being grateful

to me, this lyric represents all the settling leith ross had done in their past relationships. grasping on to whatever small good thing they could find and being as grateful as they could. after being in an unhealthy relationship for some time, you grow accustomed to the bare minimum, and the small kindnesses they give you are perceived as more than they are. leith ross' new partner has changed their perspective of good relationships; they no longer have to settle and are now grateful for things that are truly worthy of being grateful for.

the first chorus continues with this loving nature:

oh, you kissed me just to kiss me not to take me home

this partner does not have ill intentions for ross. they kiss ross just to appreciate them and show them love, not to have sex or use them.

it was simple, it was sweetness it was good to know

it was a changing experience for ross to experience this. the first healthy love you have after an unhealthy one is profound in a way as it shows you what you've deserved all along.

from here i'm not going to introduce each new verse, they all radiate the same feeling. i will just break down each lyric.

you look perfect, you look different i don't wonder about your indifference

this partner reassures ross and loves them so wholly that they do not need to question it.

if i said you could never touch me you'd come over and say i looked lovely

again, back to the theme of being loved for who you are and not what you provide. this person is not looking to get anything from ross, and is not involved with them just to have sex. if ross told this person that they never wanted to have sex or do anything physical, this person wouldn't leave. they would continue feeling what they feel for ross without any discount.

oh, you kissed me just to kiss me not to make mе cry

this person is not looking to manipulate or hurt ross.

it was simple, you are sweetness lеt's just sit a while

sex and physicalities do not make up the relationship these two have. it is innocent and they are easily able to sit and appreciate each other.

depollute me, gentle angel and i'll feel the sickness less and less

by sickness, i assume ross means the trauma and low self-esteem that comes from a bad relationship. this person is creating a comfortable and safe environment in which ross can grow and heal.

come and kiss me, pretty baby like we'll never have sex

again, this partner just wants leith ross. they don't need sex to uphold the relationship and give it worth. they show love in innocent and secure ways.

i think this song touches so many people because so many relationships these days are so surface level and material, and what leith ross describes in this song is the (subjective) ideal loving and healthy relationship. one where your partner doesn't need anything from you and just loves you for who you are. as someone who loves extremely deeply, this song depicts how i love, and listening to it the first time created a pit in my stomach that sent me to tears. the love portrayed in this song is so raw and although it isn't described in intense detail, you can picture the relationship that lies beneath these lyrics.

what had me thinking about this song is whether or not this relationship actually happened. was this relationship real, or was it a fantasy (okay, unintentional queen reference)? poets and songwriters often write as if they are in their ideal world; i take this to be some kind of manifestation. what do you guys think?

[annekesthoughts]

anneke's thoughts: an introduction

hi guys, welcome to my blog. i'm assuming most of you are friends or people i'm acquainted with, so i don't think a complete introduction is too necessary. but, here's a quick summary of myself right now for anyone who needs it: i'm anneke (on-nick-uh), i turned 18 in january, and i'm very opinionated. oftentimes the things i'm opinionated about are very specific and lack a time and a place to talk about. like, how often will i find an opportunity to give a full-fledged speech about how capitalism affects our society and planet? never. every time i try to bring it up people roll their eyes and dismiss me as the girl who's too upset about something that others have already come to terms with. also, having adhd, i have very strong feelings about my passions and keeping them pent up just makes me feel like a kettle boiling over, filling the entire metaphorical house with an obnoxious, hissing, whistling noise that cannot be ignored but cannot be stopped (what's the kettle and what's the house in this simile? food for thought. some poetic analysis inlaid in an introduction to keep your mind stimulated). this usually subsides when i talk about it, so be prepared for that.

i'm also currently working on fully being myself, as i've spent years as a people pleaser, suppressing my personality to please the people around me. within this, i am learning to escape the fear of judgment, so in this blog i will not censor myself, mask myself, or write something for anyone other than me. this blog is my brain on a page, and if you don't enjoy that, please just don't partake. this is no home for hate! also, i'm not always the best writer, try your best to understand if it makes no sense.

in terms of the blog itself: i took the code for this website from a tumblr theme page and am still working out the details (colors, header, etc.) so enjoy watching the evolution of the design as this blog progresses. i'm not quite sure of what i'll write about on here yet, probably a mixture of opinion pieces, political pieces, news updates, music analysis and appreciation, and an occasional poem if i'm feeling bold.

enjoy!

edit: my website formatting doesn't work on phones and i am looking for another code now!