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Today I am thankful for

Sept 28

1. Friends who deeply care for my well being

2. Mature conversation with trigger

3. Dota

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Today I am thankful for

Sept 27

1. Flyte's call explaining Ry's side which actually made me feel better.

2. Energy to work

3. JC's words on the Bible app guiding me through my lowest points.

4. Amazing weekend with Cate, Kuya Vic and Anton where they took the time to make sure I'm okay.

5. I surrendered everything to God.

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Thank You

Today, I was binge watching Money Heist at Ry's place while he was busy playing Valorant. I was at the part when Tokyo found out that Nairobi died. She was screaming in pain.

It hit hard.

I remember the feeling that night when JC died. It felt like my heart was going to explode. I hit pause. I stood up. Walked up to Ry, paused and waited til his agent gets killed or the round ends. Then I said "I am sad" he looked at me and asked "Why?" I said "I remember JC" and was at the brink of crying.

"Oh no. Do you want to sit here and watch me play Valorant?" His way of distracting me. I just nodded and sat on the floor besides him.

"Not on the floor. Get a chair." I didn't move an inch but instead buried my head to his leg and next thing I know I was in tears. He kept playing since Valorant doesn't have pause option.

After few minutes I stood up and tried to fix something... anything... around the house. Then when I couldn't find anything anymore I went back and prepared the bed. Lied down and cried some more.

He was concerned he kept glancing at me. All I did was put a blanket over or stared at the ceiling trying to forget the feeling of loss. I got up and tried to look for tissue then went back to bed.

He glanced once more then stood up and joined me. He opened his arms and said "Kamown. I'm your therapy dog." He embraced me and just let me stay there for a while. Looked at me and repeated saying "I'm your therapy dog".

"Go back to your game. It's okay" I kept glancing at his screen.

He stood up and closed the game. I was speechless cos I know how much he would lose if he quits one - rank points or penalty.

I asked why did he do that. He answered "Yaan mo na. Besides di rin ako makakafocus kasi nakailang balik ka na dito sa room"

He did everything he could to distract me, change my mood and make me smile. But my most favorite thing that he said "Kuha tayong dog. Then let's name him JC" he was hesitant to say it cos he doesn't know if it's the right thing to say in a situation like this. Learning: He has a very unique way of comforting hahaha

I was puzzled like why in the world would he say such thing

"Kasi malaking chance mareincarnate ang tao sa isang dog. Let's get a husky and a pug. So we have Totchi, a pug or a terrier, a husky, Yogi and Summer" then he regretted having to count 5 dogs in our house. "Let's get Totchi, Summer and Yogi na lang pala"

This is when I realized that I'm falling deeply in love with him.

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Wow. Just wow.

I swallowed more than I can take. I never thought this could bother me this much. One day you are there then the next thing I know you are nowhere to be found.

Just perfect. You know what I've done this before and I'm sorry I won't let it happen again.

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Thank you for giving me the best memories and taking me to Japan.

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I'm letting you go now.

I'm ready.

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Everyone is asking me

"Are you really leaving?"

"Is that final?"

"Nothing's going to stop you?"

Nothing. No one.

You were that last string I was holding on to.

The last hope I had.

The last happiness left.

No. You were actually the last stop to my long bus ride. The one I treated as my home. The one who I poured my heart out and trusted.

Now that it's over, I think it's time.

It's time for me to go wherever life takes me. Wherever it is. This way I can completely forget every single memory I had with you.

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Ang bilis mo naman bumitaw...

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Tangina. Pati sa ulan naaalala kita.

Move on din, A. Wag kang tanga please.

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Stupid. Seeing an old big house on YouTube made me miss you. Hope you are fine.

Stupid.

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Okay, today is different. A really odd one. My roommate had food delivered for brunch at 4pm, a food I used to hate but now can't get enough of - Japanese curry from Coco Ichibanya, I'm suffering from dysmenorrhea that I had to down an Advil, and I was just lying down in bed taking my time and browsing through very poetic posts by someone I secretly idolize.

If you met me months ago, it would have all been different. I was never in bed until 6am and got up at 9am or sometimes 10am or 11. To add, I was having trouble sleeping through the day without worrying if I missed my alarm, even on weekends. I was stuck and was living a life I needed to live.

Until---

COVID 19 started.

Now, it feels like I have control of when and how I'm going to be happy. The simplicity of life has pushed the slavery of corporate, shackles of bad people, and my most favorite - hypocrisy away from my system. I have finally found the path of where I need to go. Cliche!!!

I enjoy the little things now like the doggy-pee-smelling-balcony where I am enjoying 2 sticks of cigarette while looking beyond the cloudy sky signaling rain tomorrow, the building lights from afar giving me the idea of what I don't and will never miss, and the elevated sound of my roommate playing Genshin Impact live.

All of this was something I was afraid of touching. I am now free.

I'm more than thankful for the ones who were brave enough to push me off the ledge just to make me see the great green Hyrule Kingdom.

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STOP, OKAY. STOP IT. STOP BEING NICE OR TRYING TO BE NICE OR SAYING THINGS LIKE

"I know you'll get through it easily"

"Hope all goes well"

JUST FUCKING STOP.

I NEED TO PUT YOU IN A LITTLE BOX AND SHOVE YOU DOWN TO WHEREVER PIT THERE IS. I WANT TO FORGET YOU EVER HAPPENED. FORGET EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. FORGET YOU EVEN EXISTS. PLEASE. JUST STOP.

Let me somehow manage to live every waking moment without you.

Let me try. Please, I'm dying everyday.

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For you. For one last time.

Goodbye...

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Hanggang dulo tayo, okay?

Ako bahala sa atin hanggang pagtanda natin.

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Iisipin ko na lang na masaya ka ngayon. Pipiliin ko yung kasiyahan mo kahit wala ako.

Yun ang greatest sacrifice ko ngayong lifetime na to.