anoddconstellationofthoughts

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

shoutout to everyone dealing with. thhe fucking difficulty

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

this is going to be difficult -> i am capable of doing difficult things -> i have done everything prior to this moment -> this difficulty will soon be proof of capability

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

“Abundance” by Amy Schmidt, published in Rattle January 20, 2019

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

If i dont [experience pathologically concerning sex act] within the next [arbitrary time period] im going to [federal agency watchphrase]

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

hey cw, yeah. it's about your favorite american hero. turns out your homophobic jokes accidentally queercoded him. yeah. sorry. no it's too late now, the actor fully internalized it cause he was already predisposed to it bc of his d- yes, daddy issues you got it! your set is full of 'em, i hear ya. haha great times i bet. anyways yah so. turns out whatever the guy's dealing with, he put it all into this character and queercoded him even further. oh- what's that? your writers are aware and are writing it into the narrative too? no no i won't tell the big boss, secret's safe with me. what else can you tell me about what's gonna happen on the show? omg no way. bi lighting for real? yeah they weren't aware of that last time were they haha. so like, intentional this time? ok nice! what else you got? dean's flustered by several guys again? yeah i mean i kind of expect that now. oh he's-? he's saying "i love you" to cas?? mm sorry man i think that's a bit too soon for homeboy, he's gonna want that changed to "i need you" or something. he'll genuinely believe that'll make it less romantic tho, no worries. just go with it, he'll figure it out eventually... if i know why he's so weird about this destiel thing? well um. have you perhaps noticed something about the way he acts around misha, compared to, say, the other one? [pause] [what do you- oh.] ... sir are you still there?

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

My deepest darkest fantasy is that I collapse on the street and I am rushed to the hospital. They perform a bunch of tests and find out I am severely deficient in some kind of vitamin. Then I start taking the vitamin and I become the happiest cleverest person alive because all my problems were caused by this one deficiency

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

stellakowalskis //Crush -Richard Siken //No Place in Heaven -Mika //Supernatural 15.09 "The Trap" (credit: thatblackdress) //Church -Fall Out Boy //Supernatural 5.22 "Swan Song" (credit: castiel) // Les Misérables -Victor Hugo //Supernatural 8.17 "Goodbye Stranger" (credit: castyel)

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

real knives real glass real bees real choking im going fucking insane. every time i think about it all i go insane. how did they survive the show

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

it isn't really complicated, but i still can't tell my grandma about it. my girlfriend is also my boyfriend and i'm her girlboyfriend and there are a lot of days this feels like smoothing sheets over a good mattress. it feels like getting a cup of good hot chocolate. we paint our nails lesbian flag pink, and i watch her eyelashes make shadows on her cheeks. she wants to kiss me because i am really good at baking, and i want to kiss her because when i am freaked out about how i spilled coffee, she just hands me extra napkins and helps me clean. he is so handsome i want to eat my fist. they once just winked at me and i couldn't talk for like the next fifteen minutes.

i haven't seen the L word and i was raised catholic. my earliest experiences with queer relationships were through harrowing conversations and hushed questions and blood on the ground. i didn't like boys soon enough. what, are you gay? asked to a 6th grader, almost like a demand.

when she is asleep next to me and i can feel the dreams run up and down her body, i pretend we are both somewhere in the stars. i like to picture a future full of fruit trees, and writing him poetry. sometimes she wakes up, has a whole conversation with me, goes back to sleep, and utterly forgets that we ever even spoke. she is always kind to me, even in that liminal half-there ghost. i like the croaked, raw way her voice sounds in the very-early morning, the way she always seems surprised i'm still here, and home.

on the internet, there are a lot of people who would be annoyed by both of us, and how labels must be pruned into orchids. a box has to hold and define the insides. people must be organized.

we went on a date last night, and the host said, oh, table for 2 nice ladies? neither of us are ladies, but also we are very much 2 nice ladies. i have been wearing her sweater nonstop. he has frequently been forced into wearing my taylor swift official merch quarter-zip because i was worried about him catching a chill, and you simply cannot be cool in an official taylor swift quarter-zip. do not worry: they listen to better music than i do, and their voice sounds like leaves falling.

i wear the skirts and makeup and i am better with spackle and know how to drive stick. recently someone commented on my work - you're just a man trying to reappropriate lesbian spaces. sometimes i feel like she is a clementine to me, and sometimes i feel like he is a german shepherd and sometimes i feel they are a bird to me. i like watching his hands over a guitar. can i write this poem, even? how can you be a lesbian if you're sometimes with a man? or you are the man?

how can i, huh. you know, our first date lasted 3 days. we'd been flirting for over a year before i finally asked her out. i'd already written her into poetry. she'd already written me into songs.

last night, in the late night, when they woke up again, confused about where they were, they said - oh, thank god. this is your arm. there's just something so precious to me about the specifics, the denotation that the arm was (thank god!) mine. i really liked that definition. i liked the obvious relief because i understand it.

i say yeah, i have a partner. i mean - oh. thank god. it's your arm.

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

hey man youve been taking a while putting your change back in your wallet and i just wanted to let you know we are kicking you out of the grocwery sytore forever. goodbye

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

performing the "u-turn of blowjobs" because i do a little bit and run away and also it does bug type damage

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

might get crucified for this but destiel could’ve been it

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

Fundamentally. They told misha collins. misha collins we are going to emasculate you and make you gay. And misha collins (uchicago grad) went in an ideal world you would take a gender studies class but in the world where you are my boss I will say ok 👍 and then I will go be gay because it’s not inherently a joke or embarrassing for a man to be sensitive or homosexual. And they told jensen ackles. Jensen ackles we have GAWT to butch you up. You are not giving what is needed. Drop that octave put on some inconspicuously heeled shoes that loan you a couple inches and tell makeup we want the Good Stubble. And Jensen ackles (PISCES) (ACTOR) (FROM TEXAS) as tears gathered at the corners of his beuaitufl eyes. Said to the director of his tv show. I’m not manly enough for you, dad?

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

people not being able to finish speaking because they’re laughing at their own joke. while telling it. that’s so endearing to me. and also sexy

[anoddconstellationofthoughts]

majoring in fuck all with a minor in whimsy