anonymityisfunwriter

[anonymityisfunwriter]

Never Been Kissed

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Summary: You've never been one to kiss and tell.

A.N. - This one is for all my The Prophecy Girlies... also known as the most self indulgent thing I've ever written.

AnonymityIsFun Masterlist | Bucky Barnes Masterlist

"Come on," Sam coaxes. "Tell us or take a drink."

You swipe up the shot set before you, downing it without so much as a wince. You cross your arms, keeping your chin defiantly raised as you settle further into the couch, "I'm not telling you anything."

“Boo,” Sam playfully heckles, his drink sloshing in his hand. “Come on, it’s not that big a deal. Just tell us.”

“Absolutely not, I already took the damn drink.”

Sam quirks an eyebrow, refusing to back down, “Unless it was someone here?”

“Oh my God.” You pinch the bridge of your nose. “Sam, I did not hook up with anyone in this room.”

“Yes!” Sam teases. “That explains everything! That’s why you drank!”

“Or maybe I just don’t kiss and tell.”

“You’ve been drinking all night. And there’s only one reason you won’t tell us anything - because it’s someone in this very room!”

“Settle down, Sherlock,” Bucky cajoles.

You swipe the glass from Sam's loose grip, “You’re drunk, Sam.”

Sam boops your nose, swiping the glass back, “I’m not the one that’s been drinking for every question.”

“And yet, I'm still not nearly as drunk as you are," you shoot back, setting your drink on the table. You pat Bucky's shoulder, standing up from the couch, "And now, I’m going to bed. Goodnight, children.”

“Come on,” Sam drunkenly whines. “Don’t be a sore loser!”

“I have a debrief first thing, and I’m the only one of you assholes that won’t need to be carried to my room.”

Sam shouts after you, “Boo!”

Not a moment later, you feel a warm hand tap your shoulder, “Hey, wait up! I’ll walk you up.”

“Oh, sure.”

As you walk together, Bucky leans in conspiratorially, “So… now that it’s just us… Who was it?”

You groan, “Not you too.”

“Come on! It’s me! You can tell me!” Bucky cajoles.

“It’s none of your business.”

"I’m not asking for details. I just wanna know."

"You’re pushy when you’ve been drinking that Asgardian stuff, you know that?"

"Come on. It really can't be that bad. I probably don't even know the guy... unless I do?"

You hold his gaze for a moment, silently pleading with him to just drop it, "Bucky... enough."

"Was it Sam? Steve? Come on, I won't judge you if it was."

"Bucky, stop."

"Come on, just tell me!"

"No! Now drop it!" you snap.

Bucky freezes, his eyes widening, "I'm - I'm sorry, I didn't think it was that big of a deal."

You start to storm off, tossing a sharp retort over your shoulder, "Maybe not to you."

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry." He jogs after you, resting his warm, gentle hand on your forearm to stop you, "Really. You don't have to tell me. I was just being a dick. You’re right, it’s none of my business."

You squeeze your eyes shut, feeling the guilt pooling in the pit of your stomach for yelling at Bucky. "I can't tell you."

His brows furrow, "What?"

This was it. This was when everyone found out your deep, dark, embarrassing secret. You take another deep breath, bracing yourself for Bucky’s laughter and ridicule, "I can't tell you... because it hasn't happened yet."

His worry and confusion only compounds. His neck cranes slightly, almost like he believes his super solider hearing failing him is more plausible than your complete and total inexperience, "What?"

You take another massive breath, your cheeks heating, "I've never - it never happened for me."

“Huh?”

“Please don’t make me say it again.”

"Wait, wait, but earlier - earlier Natasha asked you about your first time. You said - you said it happened later than people might think."

You couldn’t believe he really wasn’t getting it. It was something you had come to accept about yourself. There was just something fundamentally wrong with you. Something not quite right. Something unloveable - at least in the romantic sense.

Shame heats your face, and you have to clench your fists in some hopeless attempt to keep it together in front of Bucky.

You try to shrug as casually as you can, "It's not technically a lie. Most people don't think someone can make it this long without your first kiss happening."

“Wait, wait.” If he was struggling to understand before, this may have just broken him. “You haven’t had your first kiss?”

You swallow the knot in your throat, hoping the word doesn’t sound as strangled as it feels, “No.”

Your shoulders sharply rise with a forced intake of breath as you wait for it. You wait for the litany of platitudes. The halfhearted consolations and excuses.

While you’d never told anyone about this missed rite of passage, you had mistakenly confided in a select few. You never said too much. Never said that you hadn’t ever been kissed. You usually offered something offhanded about not really dating much.

They didn’t need to know just how deep your inexperience ran. It didn’t matter anyway. The response was always the same. Some surface level words of comfort or dismissal.

You could practically hear the words falling from Bucky’s lips.

'It'll happen when you least expect it.'

'You just have to stop looking.'

'Put yourself out there.'

'You should lower your standards.'

'You're not missing out on much.'

The words you know all too well never come.

He chews on his bottom lip, his own mental turmoil as clear as day on his face. He didn’t know what to say and that was clear. He opens his mouth and your brace yourself for impact.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

You freeze, a little shocked by his response. “Don’t be.”

“No, no, I was being a dick and pushing you to talk about something you’re not comfortable with. I should understand that better than anyone else here.”

“I just - I don’t really tell people. It’s embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing?”

“Yeah, Bucky,” you scoff, a little too defensive. “It’s a little embarrassing. I’m a grown ass woman that’s never been kissed. I’m a grown woman that no one’s ever show the least bit of interest in.”

His hands stop mid air, “I’m sorry, what?”

“What?”

He quirks an incredulous brow, “No one’s shown interest?”

“No…”

His entire head twists with disbelief, “No one? Really?”

“I’ve never even been asked on a date before,” you confess.

“What?”

“Will you quit saying that?”

“Sorry, sorry! It’s just a little hard to believe.”

You can't help but roll your eyes, “Why is that hard to believe?”

“Because it’s you! Look at you! Someone must’ve shown interest at some point.”

You try to shrug it off again, desperately hoping that Bucky doesn’t see how much this actually does hurt, “No. It’s always just been me.”

“Not even like a schoolyard crush or something?”

“Well, I had crushes, sure. That doesn’t mean that anyone had them on me.” Bucky’s face remains frozen in that confused, disbelieving grimace for a beat too long after you’ve finished speaking that you feel desperate to paper over the emotional cracks. It’s fine. That’s what you’ve told yourself your entire life, and that’s exactly what you’ll tell him, “Listen, I’m fine with it now. I’ve come to terms with it. I’m content. Maybe romance just isn’t in-“

“Can I kiss you?”

Now, it was your turn to look confused and taken aback, “What?”

“Can I?” he offers again, his eyes flicker to your lips so quickly you can’t be sure you didn’t just imagine it. “Kiss you?”

You immediately begin to backtrack, taking a half step back to put some distance between the two that seems to shrink with every passing moment, “Bucky, you really don’t have to do that.”

“What if I want to?”

Your eyebrows pull together in disbelief. “Do you?”

“Yes.” His answer is so immediate and reflexive it’s hard not to believe him. “I want to. Please.”

His whispered ‘please’ is your undoing. You nod ever so slightly, your voice nothing but a choked whisper, “I won’t be good at it.”

“I don’t believe that.” At this point, he’s staring at your lips more than anything else. His flesh hand raises to your cheek, softly cupping it. “Just relax.”

Your breathing comes faster as his breath dances across your cheeks, “Bucky…”

“I want you to remember this.” You’re not sure he meant to say that out loud, but the words sent a pleasantly unfamiliar shudder down your spine.

And without another word, his lips gently brush yours. For a long moment, you just stand there, not moving an inch. Until your hand moves of its own accord to rest on his chest. It slowly trails up his shoulder and down to the nape of his neck. Your mouth hesitantly moves against his, slowly becoming more relaxed with each little breathy sound he pulls from you.

It feels like forever and a split second all at once. Especially when he slowly drags his lips away from yours. As he pulls away, he licks his lips like he’s savoring the taste of you while it still lingers on his lips.

He rest his head against yours for a long moment. His lips are puffy and glistening under the low light of the Compound hallway, “There. Now, you’ve been kissed.”

AnonymityIsFun MasterlistBucky Barnes Masterlist

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[anonymityisfunwriter]

she owns it all now <3

how are you feeling? cause i’m feeling a lot

I AM SO EXCITED

not to be all parasocial about it, but i genuinely could not be any prouder of taylor. she deserves this so so so much! how are you feeling?

[anonymityisfunwriter]

You're so sweet! Thank you so much! 💛

Every Part of You

Pairing - Grumpy!Bucky Barnes x Sunshine!Reader A.N. - Alright, I've been asked to write about Bucky and Sunshine's first time many, many times. And the thing is, like sure, I could write that, but also I want us to take a moment to consider trying to build up to that. There's so many firsts buried in there that I think need to be navigated through before they even get there. This is one of those firsts. Like the first time you see Bucky's shoulder.

Bucky Barnes Masterlist | Grumpy Sunshine Series

"You're just- " You stop speaking, searching for his lips again. Though you're breathless, you can't bring yourself to pull away from him, "You're so pretty."

You shudder as you feel his hand slip under your sweater. The occasional graze of the cool metal on your skin enough to send shivers down your spine.

His lips trail down, nipping at your jaw, "I'm not pretty."

Your hands, winded in the hair at the nape of his neck, glide down his neck, to clutch the fabric of his henley. The moment he feels your fingers toy with the collar of his shirt, his heart hammers against his ribcage. Not in the sort of way that he usually feels in these moments with you. He feels a sense of dread, of panic. It wraps around his spine like a python. It feels like he can't breathe.

"You're so -"

He wrenches away from you, his chest heaving, "Stop, stop, stop."

You freeze, immediately dropping your hands. Panic starts creeping up your throat, coating your words. "Did I - did I do something wrong?"

He gulps, silently shaking his head. It takes him a moment to regain his composure, to regain the ability to speak clearly, "No, no, you're - you're perfect."

Guilt starts to eat at him. He can see you doing your very best to keep your own feelings off your face. He can see the sting of his rejection in the way your lips press together in a tight line. The embarrassment in the pallor of your once flushed cheeks.

You two have worked so hard to overcome your own personal issues and traumas, to build trust in each other, moments like these hadn't come easy. And he so callously pushed you away, it makes him feel worse. And what makes his heart ache even more, he sees nothing but concern for him shining in your eyes. You just look so worried for him.

Your hands rest in your lap. You twist and untwist your fingers. "If you don't want to, we don't - we don't have to do anything. I'm really sorry -"

"No, no, please don't be sorry." He reaches for you, gently squeezing your hand. It soothes him as much as it does you. "I want to. You don't know how much I want to."

"But?"

His eyes squeeze shut. He can't bring himself to meet your eyes. "You haven't seen it before - my arm, my shoulder."

"Oh."

He drops your hand. That feeling takes over him again. It feels like there's not enough air in the room. He slides away from you, closer to the edge of the tiny couch in your apartment. "It's - I am not pretty."

It breaks your heart, watching him pull away from you. You can only imagine how many people have turned away from him before. "James..."

He fervently shakes his head, refusing to open his eyes, "No, no, I know what you're gonna say, but it's bad. A lot worse than you're thinking."

"How do you know what I'm thinking?"

"It's bad," he insists. "I see it every day and I can barely - it's just bad, okay?"

You take his hand, squeezing it tightly. "It's okay if you don't want me to see it. I understand."

He finally opens his eyes again as his eyebrows pull together. He still doesn't meet your eye. "No, no, I want to - I trust you with this, I do. I just - I want you to be prepared."

In that moment, you realize that it's not really about preparing you. Not at all.

He thinks you're going to react badly. He thinks that this will make you turn away from him for the first time ever. He's worried that the love and adoration in your eyes will turn to disgust and repulsion.

It's less about preparing you for the scarred flesh, and more about warning you that he couldn't take a bad reaction. He's not sure he could take it if you turned away from him too.

"I love you," you promise him. "There's nothing that you could show me that would change that. I hope you know that."

There is no response to that. And you know that he won't believe it until he sees it. It takes him a moment. His hand toys with the hem of his shirt. His hand grips the hem, only to let it go.

"I love you," you remind him.

He takes a large gulp of air, pulling off his shirt with one quick movement.

You weren't really sure what you were expecting. You knew the story. You knew how Bucky lost his arm. He even confided the bits and pieces he remembered from getting his vibranium arm.

Your eyes trail over his skin. The shoulder is scarred, scars jut in every direction. Each scar is etched into his skin. It's clear it was a painful, violent experience for him. The metal plate protrudes from the scar tissue in a way that you're sure was painful when first placed. You look on with curiosity, you're not really sure how this, a sign of survival, a badge of resilience, could ever make anyone turn away from him.

He's as breathtaking as you could ever imagine.

Your eyes flicker up at him. He looks at the blank wall of your apartment, scared to watch your facial expressions as you take it in. "Can I?"

He nods, barely able to look you in the eyes. He sucks in a breath when your fingers make contact with the scar tissue surrounding the metal plate.

You immediately pull your fingers back, worried you've accidentally hurt him. "Does it hurt?"

"No," he answers reflexively.

You know he's lying. "I've seen you holding your shoulder before - holding it like it hurts."

"Sometimes," he amends. "The doctor said there's a lot of nerve damage. Things they can't fix."

"Does it hurt now?"

"No."

You run your hand over the plate, over his scars, down to his shoulder blade.

"Still think I'm pretty?" he sarcastically remarks.

You press a gentle kiss to his bare shoulder. "I'll always think you're pretty. Every part of you."

Bucky Barnes Masterlist AnonymityIsFun Masterlist

Reblogs and comments are always appreciated! 💛

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[anonymityisfunwriter]

I'm so glad this story finally found you! I hope you enjoy! Thank you so much for reading! 💛

"Two Sides of The Same Coin" Chapter List

The Grumpy x Sunshine Series story! AO3⏐Wattpad⏐Two Sides Of The Same Coin Playlist

Pairing: Sunshine!Reader x Grumpy!Bucky Barnes

Chapter 1 - Welcome To New York Chapter 2 - State of Grace Chapter 3 - Ready for It? Chapter 4 - Holy Ground Chapter 5 - Wonderland Chapter 6 - It’s Nice To Have A Friend Chapter 7 - The Archer Chapter 8 - Mad Woman Chapter 9 - I Did Something Bad Chapter 10 - Hoax Chapter 11 - So It Goes… Chapter 12 - Delicate Chapter 13 - Mirrorball Chapter 14 - We Were Happy Chapter 15 - A Place In This World Chapter 16 - Everything Has Changed Chapter 17 - The Joker and The Queen Chapter 18 - I’m Only Me When I’m With You Chapter 19 - The Outside Chapter 20 - Bad Blood Chapter 21 - Nothing New Chapter 22 - Safe and Sound Chapter 23 - Dancing With Our Hands Tied Chapter 24 - You Are In Love Chapter 25 - Peace Chapter 26 - Invisible String Chapter 27 - False God Chapter 28 - Exile Chapter 29 - Renegade Chapter 30 - Out Of The Woods Chapter 31 - Long Live Chapter 32 - Last Kiss Chapter 33 - Come Back…Be Here Chapter 34 - Breathe Chapter 35 - All Too Well Chapter 36 - Don’t Blame Me Chapter 37 - Evermore Chapter 38 - Long Story Short (Epilogue) Chapter 39 - Daylight (Epilogue) Chapter 40 - Begin Again (Prologue) Chapter 41 - Welcome To New York (Outtake) Chapter 42 - Treacherous (Outtake) Chapter 43 - Enchanted (Outtake) Chapter 44 - This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things (Outtake) Bonus Chapter (Wedding Fluff) - Going To The Chapel And They’re Gonna Get Married The Interrogation Even More Outtakes AnonymityIsFun Masterlist Grumpy Sunshine Series

[anonymityisfunwriter]

Could you write something for my birthday? It's April 26th. If you're busy that's totally fine, no pressure. If yes, I LOVE BUCKY AND SUNSHINE, always sam, maybe a splash of yelena in there. And again, you don't have to! I know life can get hectic

Love you lots, Nonnie!!

well, i'm so so sorry that i missed your birthday, but i wanted to wish you the best, happiest birthday, dearest reader! i've got a lot up my sleeve, and i can't wait to share! 💛

[anonymityisfunwriter]

Hi, just here to tell you that your works ARE comfort fics for me. Two Sides of the Same Coin is one that I reread often when I need a pick me up. (I haven't read Twin Flames because I haven't had time since it was finished but just know I will absolutely devour it when I have time)

I saw the post you reblogged and wanted you to know how loved you and your works are ❤️

ahhh i appreciate this so much. i'm so glad you enjoyed my story, and i hope you enjoy twin flames whenever you get a chance to read it! thank you so much! 💛

[anonymityisfunwriter]

I just wanted to tell you,

That your fics are my comfort fics.

I always come back to them when I'm sad or need a pick me up. <3<3<3

you are always the sweetest, dearest reader. thank you so much for your support and love, it means the world to me 💛

[anonymityisfunwriter]

my dream as a fanfic writer is for one day, one of my fics to be someones comfort fic. like the fic that they reread when they don't feel good and want to be happy. i want my words to comfort someone one day

[anonymityisfunwriter]

Hi there…I just found out about your story There Is No Coming Back From This and I absolutely love it I was wondering if you were going to release the eighth chapter or have you put the story on hold? No pressure just asking.

I’m so glad you’re enjoying the story! Yes, I am continuing the story, it’s just a work in progress. I appreciate the patience and love. Thank you so much! 💛

[anonymityisfunwriter]

“i didn’t even think you guys would want that” BESTIE I COULD BE 70 AND OLD AND GRAY AND STILL BE THINKING ABOUT SUNSHINE!!! matter of fact, imma go ahead and re-read two sides of the same coin and twin flames rn 🙂‍↕️

AHHHH you guys are so sweet! And you know what, I’ll be here right with you guys and we can all be old and gray together. Thank you so so much for the love and support! 💛

[anonymityisfunwriter]

been away for a long while. hope you’ve been well <3

ahhh!! you’re so sweet! i’ve definitely been busy, but i’ve been doing my best to carve out time for my dearest readers. it’s always good to be back. thank you so much! 💛

[anonymityisfunwriter]

in honor of bucky's birthday...

someone asked me a few months ago if i would write another story as a continuation of twin flames once cap 4 and thunderbolts came out... i didn't even think you guys would want that, but having seen cap 4 i wanted to give you guys a little glimpse of what i think sunshine would be doing in cap 4!

cap 4 spoilers below the cut!

in my head, there's really only two options, either sunshine would be with sam or with bucky:

if sunshine stays with sam...

i think Sunshine would end up being the one weaponized against General Ross.

you look down at your hands, only now gaining awareness of where you are. the bright lights of the sirens and the helicopters beating above you blind you.

"don't do this."

"sam? sam, what happened?"

"you tried to kill the president..."

a shocked breath lodges itself in your throat, "no, no, i wouldn't - i didn't."

sam reaches out an appeasing hand to you, "just stay calm. we'll figure this out. it's going to be okay."

"you can't let them send me back there. i don't want to go back. please." you shake your head over and over, tears streaming down your face, "please, sam. i don't - i don't want to go. don't let them take me. i didn't - i didn't want to hurt anyone."

"i know, i know, but you have to. i'm going to get you out, but you have to go with them."

you can't help the sob that escapes you as you feel the cold metal clamp down on your wrists.

"hey, easy," sam barks.

"i'm sorry. i'm sorry," you repeat over and over again. "i didn't mean to."

if sunshine is with bucky:

"this is a private room," sam grits out. "go away."

"i won't lie, i was expecting a warmer welcome."

sam sucks in a breath, tearing his eyes away from joaquin for the first time in hours. he turns on his heels, throwing his heavy arms around you, engulfing you in a warm embrace. "god, how did you - you have the best timing, you know that?"

you smile into his shoulder, "hi, sammy."

"i'm here too, in case anyone cares."

sam playfully groans, "you brought bucky?"

"we're sort of a package deal now, remember?"

"ugh... don't remind me. joaquin framed the save the date."

the reminder of joaquin quiets the room again. bucky grips sam's shoulder in a comforting grip, "he's going to be okay, sam."

"no, steve made a mistake... and i don't know why i thought i could do this."

"no, he didn't."

sam shakes his head, gesturing towards joaquin, "you saw what happened out there?"

bucky nods, "you did your best. you did what you could."

"exactly, i did what i could. i mean, how many alien invasions did steve stop?"

"3."

"and i couldn't even stop this from happening."

"steve didn't pick you because you're the strongest, he picked you because you're you. he gave people something to believe in. you give them something to aspire to."

sam's eyes narrow slightly, "did your speechwriters help you with that?"

bucky shrugs, "maybe the ending a little bit."

"he's right though," you chime in. "you're doing your best and you're doing great."

sam looks on at joaquin, "it doesn't feel like it."

"it's going to be okay, sam. he's going to be okay," you promise. "let me know if you need a hand, you know where to find me."

sam playfully scoffs. "i can't be dragging in a future congressman's girlfriend into the front lines, now can i?"

you shrug, "i mean, i won't tell them if you don't."

"you know i'm still right here, right?" bucky incredulously huffs, his hand resting on his hips. "and it's fiancee, not girlfriend."

"yes, we know already," sam groans.

"anyway, we should get going, james."

bucky nods, jutting his head toward the door, "we've got a plane to catch. stupid fundraising thing."

"thanks for coming. both of you."

"anytime." bucky hugs sam as he heads toward the door, "love you, buddy."

"love you, sam." you hug sam tightly one last time. with one last squeeze, you murmur in his ear, "but seriously, if you need a hand-"

"i heard that," bucky calls over his shoulder.

sam chuckles, nodding and mouthing, "i'll call you."

--

but anyway that was just a very rough idea of where i think our trio would be in cap 4. i suppose we'll get a better idea once we get thunderbolts.

Taglist: @marianita195 @meli18gonzalez @ludicbouquetfromearth @matchat3a @famousbreadcherryblossomsstuff @valoraxx @blue786sworld @buckyandgeraltsupremacy @geminigengar @ansaturn @ecolle @lexhalstead3 @ybflkmj @mediocre-daydreams @shanye1112 @thegirlnextdoorssister @toomanyfanficsbruh @moonlightreader649 @breathtaking-cynthia @mirikusashes @beans-and-toast @niyahcoca @katiechikin @elxvrr @antiheroxsblog @infamouslyclumsy @krissydclayton93 @buckysbarnes @deadheadwbedhead @qualitygiantshoepsychic @whitexwolfxx310 @getosprettyboy @matchat3a @weallhaveadestiny @mostlymarvelgirl @honeydew3064 @michealharrypotter @mrs-bucky-barnes-73 @withyoutilltheendoftheline @the-photo-hoe @rae-nna @sarachabeans1@double-shot-of-tequila @spookyparadisesheep @lunaalovesyouu @daisy-loves-bucky@roseproseposts @theoraekenslover@king814318 @maybesomedaytho @carlie-babes99 @sunshinechikin @as-white-as-snow-love @melala1030 @badasswlthafatass @armystay89 @multiversefanfics @cherrysscinema @breathlesspieceofdeath @ravenn-darkholme @bxckybxrnes24 @guiltyasreid @bellabarnes1378 @blithecapricorn @mrsnikstan @marvelatthem @capswife @1-akira-2 @generalmoonpolice

[anonymityisfunwriter]

you know, a year ago and after several years on this website, i hit 1,000 followers - right on bucky barnes’ birthday!! since then, i’ve more than doubled that so i know we’re celebrating him but i also wanted to celebrate you guys. i love you, dearest readers 💛

[anonymityisfunwriter]

the happiest of birthdays to our beloved, our favorite grump

[anonymityisfunwriter]

Not sure if you're a Gracie Abrams fan but her song "Feels Like" made me think of Bucky and the chorus is very BuckyxSunshine to me and I had to come tell you. Like the lyrics "living in a movie I've watched it and its funny cause I couldn't have called it" was so Sunshine coded!!! And the "we can do whatever you wanted we don't have to leave the apartment" just screams early days for them

Anyway thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Your BuckyxSunshine universe will forever be cherished in my heart ❤️

AHHH that’s so kind of you to say! I haven’t listened to too many Gracie songs, but the ones I have I really enjoyed! I gave it a listen and I loved it, it’s so cute! It’s honestly just so touching that you guys hear/see things in the real world and think of our little secret garden.

Thank you so, so much, dear reader 💛

[anonymityisfunwriter]

That's so sweet of you, I'm so glad you enjoyed! Thank you so much for reading! 💛

Alone Together

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader Summary: It was always been you and Bucky, alone together, you'd say. But suddenly, you're just alone. All you have is yourself. A you that you hate. When those people died because of you, you throw yourself back in. When you find out about Sharon and Bucky, you have the game. It's a good game, you tell yourself. You're always winning. You're perfect at it. It's all a game to you - you've convinced yourself that you'll be happy once you win. That is, until you lose.

Trigger/Content Warnings: Eating Disorder Relapse, Eating Disorder Recovery, Vomiting (non-graphic), Suicide Ideation (not acted upon)

"Where is she?" Bucky demands, eyes frantically searching the MedBay were Steve told him you were.

Steve sighs, arms crossed, upset that they let you go when you were very clearly unwell. They said you were just dehydrated, a little malnourished.

You lied and said you were sick last week, when you and Steve both knew that you were perfectly fine last week. "They cleared her. She took off the second they told her she was good to go."

Bucky sighs in relief. "So she's okay?"

"Okay?" Steve scoffs. "No, she's not okay. She's so far from okay. She collapsed in the middle of a mission. That's not okay!"

"So what happened then, Steve?" Bucky urges.

Steve exhales in frustration. The two of you were friends, good friends even, but he never really knew how to get through to you. Not when you were like this. Heck, he'd never even seen you like this. "I don't know- I-I think she's doing it again."

"She isn't. I would have noticed."

"Would you notice? You've been a little...preoccupied lately."

"Don't start, Steve."

He shrugs in innocence, "I'm not. I'm really not, but she's pulled away. When she's here, she's training - harder than any of the rest of us. She's not even developing her powers, she's physically training. You can see it, Bucky. Her uniform doesn't even fit her anymore, she was an hour late for the mission, she locked us all out of her room. She's doing it again."

"No, she's not! I would know!"

Now, Steve's getting mad, he sees your self-destructive behavior and the way you're tearing yourself apart. It hurts him to see his friend like that. "And I'm telling you that you wouldn't have! You know firsthand how good she is at hiding what she needs to hide. You're never even here! You can't see anything past you and Sharon!"

"Is that what this is about? Another lecture about me and Sharon? I don't need this."

Steve takes a deep, semi-calming breath, desperately trying to deescalate the situation. If only because the two of them fighting isn't going to help you. "I'm not lecturing you about Sharon, I'm telling you that you're being a bad friend right now. And right now, our friend needs you." Bucky huffs in frustration but waits for Steve to continue. "Since that mission - she took it hard those people dying. If you hadn't noticed, she's been really struggling lately. I haven't seen her outside her room in months."

"That was months ago, Steve, I talked to her, she was fine," Bucky says, simultaneously trying to convince himself and Steve. He knows that you two hadn't spoken, really spoken, in months. And he knew he was mostly to blame for that.

"Are you sure about that?"

Bucky scoffs, "Piss off, Steve, I'm sure."

"Well, Tony's pissed, he's benching her until further notice."

"Tony can go to hell," Bucky mutters, turning on his heels to go and find you.

Steve grabs his arm to stop him before he can leave. "She needs your help, Buck. You know she'll listen to you."

"I know. I'll talk to her."

--

He finds you at an empty, dreary Coney Island.

You talked about this place a lot when you were at HYDRA.

How you'd always wanted to come here, but your parents never allowed you anywhere near the general population.

They kept you locked away until HYDRA took you. He'd tell you stories about how much fun he and Steve had here as kids and you hung on to every word he said.

He promised you he'd take you when you both escaped. You two did a lot when you escaped, somehow this wasn't one of them.

The park is empty, desolate.

It's eerie with no one here, but for some reason he knows you're here. 

When he finds you, he immediately knows that he was wrong.

You're doing it again, you're playing your game and from the looks of it, you've been doing it for a while.

He watches you for a minute, you're doing that thing again. You take your hand with your middle finger and thumb pulled together to form circle, then you wrap that circle around your wrist.

He hasn't seen you do it since your shared HYDRA days.

--

You're in a cell. It's dark and cold. You're terrified, unsure of why they brought you here. And then you see the shadowy figure in the cell across from you.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks in a hushed, whispered tone. 

"Where are we?" you ask, still groggy from whatever sedative they jabbed into your neck.

"I don't know."

"Well, who are you?"

"I don't know."

A few days pass, Bucky doesn't go back in the ice thing anymore. They're keeping him in the cell in front of you. You know the only reason the man talks to you is because you're the only other person here.

"Why'd they bring you here?" he quietly questions.

"I, uh, had abilities as a kid. My parent said I was a monster. They handed me over to the first person that offered to help me control my abilities. I've been here a while, they just moved me here, something about nicer accommodations," you joke, though it lacks any real humor. "What about you?"

"I-I don't know."

"You say that a lot," you try joking again, but then it's all silent. "You know, since we're the only ones here. I think I need to give you a name. What about Buddy?"

"Buddy?"

"Well, you're my friend, aren't you?"

"Sure," he tiredly chuckles.

"Buddy, it is."

You're not sure how much time passed, how many experiments you've gone through, all with varying degrees of success.

But it's been a very long time.

And 'Buddy' is the only thing keeping you sane. You talk to each other a lot, he's apparently been alive for a few decades, but he doesn't look it.

You've been with HYDRA since you were 16, and you spent five years in a different base before they moved you here. You find that you've got a lot in common, other than the fact that you're both held captive here. 

You two keep each other alive.

You always offer Bucky your food, they give him just enough so he doesn't starve but never anything more.

You don't tell him this, but you're used to not eating, it doesn't bother you.

He rarely takes the food except when you use your telepathy to float the food over to him. He hates when you do that, but you know he needs it more than you do.

And he... well he talks to you.

They don't let you outside the cell, you haven't seen the sun since you arrived. When they let 'Buddy' out he tells you everything. He reminds you about the outside, about the weather, about anything. Anything to remind you to hold on. 

Experiment after grueling experiment, he's there.

When you were crying in the middle of the night about the suffocating loneliness, about being alone and abandoned, he corrects you, 'alone together'.

And you lived by that now

It kept it all bearable. 

The day they brought him back from the mission where he encountered Steve - he's hurt. More hurt than normal.

His face is a bloody mess, he's practically dragged back into his cell. You're not sure if it's because of the actual mission or punishment for the mission and you don't ask.

You've been practicing on the locks, turning the gears until you can get them open. Sometimes it works, on those nights you and 'Buddy' make plans to leave.

They're pretty good plans. Your abilities are getting stronger, you feel sure that the two of you can do this. You're both strong, capable of escaping.

You focus on the lock all your energy and capabilities on the lock, feeling the desperate urge to get to him, to be there even if you really can't help him. 

It's a risk you two normally don't take during daylight, but he needs you right now. You manage to get both locks opened and then you're hovering over his crumpled body, trying to figure out how to help your friend.

"What are you doing? Get out of here before they see you."

"You're hurt. Just let me help you, I can help you."

"No, they'll see you. Get out," he weakly argues.

"No, it's going to be okay-"

"Well, what do we have here?" A menacing voice appears from behind you. You freeze, blood running cold. "I think it's time to try that serum again. It might inspire you to behave."

You're fighting against strong arms that are pulling you away from your friend. "No! Please - he needs help."

Bucky's up now, sluggishly fighting to stand. "You can't. You almost killed her last time."

"Well, you know the saying: if at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

You're dragged out of the cell and that's really the last thing you remember. The only thing that's clear after that is pain. The most excruciating pain known to man. You will your heart to stop. For it all to stop, but it never does. It's an immeasurable amount of time in complete agony.

All Bucky hears for days is your screams, you sob, beg, plead.

When you return, you're not conscious.

In fact, at first Bucky's pretty sure you're dead and they're leaving your body there as a message.

But then he hears your ragged breathing, it's slow, labored. But you're alive.

In that moment, Bucky swears to you that he'll get you out.

He swears he'll never let another bad thing happen to you.

He has a friend on the outside he tells you - Bucky doesn't remember him well, but Steve seemed so sure. The two of you can find him, even if Bucky is arrested, you'll be free from this hellhole.

It's days before you're able to do anything except lie there and breathe. They haven't even brought you any food - just dirty buckets of water.

Bucky pleads with you to wake up, but you're so far gone that you barely hear him.

Before you're even able to sit up, you unlock the doors again. It's never been that easy before, which frightens Bucky. They've done something to you and this time it worked.

But he doesn't hesitate to scramble to your crumpled figure. 

When you finally recover, Bucky tells you it's time to go. You feel your powers thrumming in your veins - it's a new feeling. It doesn't feel like the old passive energy that flowed through you- this is chaotic, destructive.

With a flick of your hand, you wipe out dozens of soldiers blocking your escape. It scares you, but you don't hesitate to leave with Bucky in tow. 

After that it's all a blur, you and Bucky alone together, finally escaped the place that almost killed the two of you.

Two troubled souls on the run from a lot of people. You're both weak from your respective beatings, but you take turns keeping each other motivated. You trek for a long time. On the way, you hear flickers of voices in your head that don't belong to you. You shake them off each time. 

And when you finally make it to a city you two can hide out in, something happens.

Voices, so many voices in your head.

They're all screaming at you, saying different things.

It's too much, you double over in pain, clutching your head.  You beg your friend to make it stop.

Bucky's frantically searching you up and down, trying to figure out what's wrong, preferably before you attract too much attention. He drags into an abandoned building where he can figure out how to fix you.

"I need you to focus, Doll. Focus on my voice." You try, but it's all so loud. "Just relax. Deep breaths, just focus on my voice. I forgot to tell you, I know my name now, it's Bucky. You weren't too far off, Doll."

You're not sure how long it takes, how long you writhe in agony, but the voices soften and eventually fall silent as you focus on Bucky. You're resting your head on his lap, while he gently strokes your head. "What do we do now?"

"I don't know," you whisper, finally calmed down enough to speak.

"You don't know what?"

"You just asked me what we're going to do now?"

"No, I didn't," he says, out loud. Then, he pointedly thinks, "Are you in my head?" 

"I think I am," you reply, sitting up and staring at Bucky in abject horror. "I think that's what all those voice are."

It takes months and it's incredibly difficult to control, particularly being that you're both on the run, but with Bucky's help you're able to get ahold of your enhanced abilities.

Most of the time, you can shut out the voices, which is an incredible relief to you both.

It's in between all the chaos and tumult that comes with being two fugitives, that Bucky notices that you hardly eat and when you do, it's not enough.

It wasn't until one night when he burst into your room and caught you sneaking rancid food out.

And you catch him screaming in the middle of the night or wandering the halls when he's supposed to be sleeping.

Alone together, you remind each other.

You help him with his nightmares, sometimes even sleeping in the same bed.  

Bucky makes you eat every single meal with him.  He even checks your room every once in a while, but you think eating with you is what helps the most.

Every meal, every day, no matter what.

He doesn't just watch you like you're a strange case study, he brings back a happiness you'd long disassociated with food. You joke together, talk, you lived in the moment together. 

It takes your mind off of your rocky relationship with food.

You feel comfortable enough to explain how some foods just don't feel safe, how eating sometimes repulses you.

How you've dealt with this since you were a kid.

Your parents hated you, they were disgusted by you, so you strived for unattainable levels of perfection in every part of your life. You even explain the inexplicable game. You explain to him and he understands without a trace of judgement.

Even when you two lived in Wakanda, at the Compound, every meal was together. Until it wasn't.

Then one day when you're both living at the compound as Avengers, Bucky doesn't show up.

He's normally very strict with your routine, every day like clockwork. 7 AM, 1 PM, 7 PM, those are your meal times.

By 2 PM, you're frantic, worried that something happened to Bucky, but then Steve casually walks in and apologizes for being late.

'Late for what?' you ask, feeling a sick, twisting sensation build in your stomach. 

He explains how Bucky told him to make sure you ate, to eat with you in fact.

You liked Steve just fine, you could even consider him a friend, but he wasn't Bucky. It was embarrassing that he told Steve without asking you if it was okay. Like you were a chore to be passed around.

And suddenly, you were always eating with Steve. You have trouble explaining it to Steve, you water it down enough so he understands, but it's different. Steve interjects with advice, with anecdotes, with talks about discipline. You don't take it to heart, knowing that Steve has good intentions.

Then, other people started stepping in when Steve couldn't be there, you find yourself dismissing them, saying it wasn't important, that they could go on about their day.

Tony's the one who sets you up with FRIDAY monitoring and reminders, as though the real problem is that you forget to eat every now and then. You don't blame him for the misunderstanding, but you don't correct him either.

You're embarrassed that people don't think you're perfect. You eat alone all the time after that. 

And then you're just alone.

All you have is yourself - a you that you hate.

When those people died because of you- you throw yourself back in.

When you find out about Sharon and Bucky, you have the game.

It's a good game, you tell yourself.

You're always winning. You're perfect at it. It makes you beautiful - maybe one day you'll be beautiful enough for someone else.

Maybe one day you'll be perfect.

--

It's all a game to you - you've convinced yourself that you'll be happy once the circle closes.

That's not what makes him so sure, it's the look on your face. It's sunken in, your skin tone has a sickly gray undertone.

It's the look of absolute despair when your tiny hand doesn't wrap around your wrist.

The park is completely empty. He knows you're the one moving the carousel and Ferris Wheel. He also knows with how little energy you have, you shouldn't be using your abilities.

"I thought I'd find you here."

You instantly drop your hand like a kid with their hand caught in the cookie jar. "Hey, Bucky."

"Hey, yourself."

He comes and sits next to you. He looks down and see his old, faded sweater in your lap. You've held onto it for so long.

"Here," you hand the hoodie that you've been clutching like a lifeline back to him. It breaks your heart but neither him nor that hoodie are yours to keep. "I should give this back to you- I finally got all the sand out."

You think back to the night on the beach, when everything was still perfect.

--

You were both pretty sure you were not allowed to be here, but neither of you care.

You're both free, you're not on the run.

It's a good life as far as you're concerned.

You could stay in this moment forever.

You're in the midst of fits of giggle and jokes that no one else would ever laugh at.

In between kicking sand at each other and building castles, there's not a care in between the two of you- a rare feat.

Then you're doing impressions of your fellow teammates. Bucky's really good at his Tony impression, while you've mastered Thor.

You're laying down on the sand, you're wearing Bucky's hoodie after he saw that you were getting cold. You two drove far enough away that you can actually make out the stars, Bucky's pointing out the stars and you're hanging onto his every word.

Then he turns to you. And stares at you for a minute too long. 

"What?" you giggle, feeling pricks of self-consciousness brewing in your head. "Do I have something on my face?"

"No, I just think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

"Shut up," you laugh, pushing his shoulder away. 

"It's true. I'll even let you look in my head. Go ahead."

The way he closes his eyes and scrunches his nose, makes you laugh. 

"Okay, one, you don't 'let me'. I keep everyone out, including you. If I wanted to I don't think there's really anything anyone could do, except maybe Wanda. And two, I know I'm not. I've seen the girls you hang around, I'm definitely not..." you trail off, because the way he looked at you, the awe-filled, tender look in his eye, it made you feel beautiful. 

"You are," he whispers. "And you don't even know it."

And your phones ruin the moment you thought you were having. 

Just a few days later, you see something that makes your heart break.

You turn the corner into the training room and you see Bucky and Sharon, kissing.

And it makes you hate yourself.

For so many reasons.

For one, you instantly start comparing yourself to her. She's taller than you, thinner, more statuesque. You fight the urge to continue down that path - it never leads to anything good.

Another reason, you start to hate Sharon.

You become a person that you loathe. You used to like Sharon, she's kind, smart, she seemed like an overall nice person. She made Bucky happy. And now you're silently cutting her down every chance you get. Like doing that will make him want you instead. You were never that person and now you are. 

And when they become an official item, she's around all the time.

You can't seem to escape her, and it's not for a lack of trying.

It like Bucky's throwing it in your face that you're not good enough for him, he's showing off the new most beautiful girl he's ever seen.

Then that mission happens, those people die because you didn't do more.

Because you weren't perfect.

And you're stuck retreating. You're always in your room, only ever leaving to train now.

FRIDAY is the one that reminds you to eat your 3 meals a day, but you get creative, finding ways around that. You learned that as long as you took a bite, FRIDAY wouldn't alert anyone, and sometimes, on your really bad days, you wouldn't even swallow that one bite.

You restrict access to everyone and anyone to your room. You're disgusted with yourself and you don't want anyone to see yourself like this. But even worse, something that you won't even admit to yourself, you don't even care if they think you're disgusting, you're worried they'll catch you and they'll force you to stop. 

But now you can't stop, you desperately want to but you just can't.

It makes you hate yourself even more.

Those people are dead because of you and here you are killing yourself.

And then one day, it all turns into a game again.

This game - it's a twisted one.

It's not for the faint of heart.

Every day, you push yourself. You're training so hard that people are starting to notice, and they don't even know about the sit-ups you do in your room.

You train harder and harder.

You see just how many days you can go without your bite of food.

It's not a fun game, but it's your game. You're good at it. You thrive on it.

Until you don't.

When you woke up this morning, you know you've pushed it too far. And still, you can't bring yourself to swallow that bite of food.

It's repulsive, it's practically shameful - almost as shameful as letting those people die.

It's shameful that you've made one person in your life so important, that you don't know how to be without them.

Besides, you're winning, you're the best at this game. 

You're laid out on your bed, checking your wrist again. You're getting really close.

You're only jolted up by a light knocking on your door, and before you open it, you're frantically hiding all the food you haven't been eating.

"Give me a second," you call to whoever's waiting outside your door. When you've finally hidden all the food, you creak open the door.

"Since when did you remove access to your room?" Steve questions, his voice laced with cautious, almost suspicious, curiosity.

You shrug nonchalantly, "It's always been like that."

"I could've sworn-"

But you cut him off, "What's up, Steve?"

He nods suspiciously. He knows you're hiding something, he can very clearly see that you're not yourself. "Right, just wanted to let you know that we'll be leaving soon. You ready to go?"

You nod, playing off the fact that you completely forgot you're on a mission today. "Yeah, I'm ready to go."

"Alright, suit up. We leave in 10."

"Okay."

You start to close the door, but Steve stops you. "Is everything okay?" he asks. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Yeah, of course," you shakily nod. "Thanks."

You're dressed and ready to go fairly quickly. You're ecstatic, the happiest you've been in months, when you pull on your uniform to find that it's too big for you now. The fabric hangs off of you and you're can almost feel your heart swell with pride. 

And then you panic because it's so very noticeable.

With shaky hands, an uncomfortable cold sweat, and weakness radiating throughout your entire body, you walk up the Quinjet ramp. You hear people talking to you, but their voices sound distant. You shake your head, trying to straighten yourself out before you land.

Even though you swore it's only been a few seconds, Steve's suddenly crouched in front of you. "Are you sure you're okay?

"Yeah, yeah. I told you I'm fine. Just a little tired."

He chuckles, though the humor doesn't quite reach the laugh. "I bet, you've been training really hard lately."

You nervously chuckle and nod along to the rest of the conversation.

You're barely off the Quinjet with the order to help evacuate, and the first time you use your ability, you're down. Out cold.

--

You didn't know this yet, but while you were in the infirmary, Steve and Tony overrode the security access to your room.

They searched and searched until Steve got close to your dresser, he immediately smelled something rancid. He opened your bottom dresser drawer to find your hidden stash. He found the molding food that you hadn't managed to sneak out yet.

He knew this was how you were bringing clean plates to the kitchen every single day when he could almost guarantee that you hadn't eaten.

Bucky takes the hoodie from your hands - he doesn't miss the frailty this time.

You just happen to notice him noticing you. You stuff your hands in your pocket and sigh.

You know why he's here, and it hurts even more. Steve told him what happened.

He probably pried him away from Sharon and told Bucky to come talk to you.

Your mind is all dark these days, all positivity and optimism are drained, your brain is devoid of anything remotely resembling happiness right now.

You weren't sure when that happened, it wasn't even this dark when you were a HYDRA guinea pig, but now it all seems so bleak.

All you can think is that Bucky doesn't care about you.

That you're an obligation and have been since the days that you two escaped HYDRA.

"You know, I'll never know why you like coming here. It's creepy," he hesitantly jokes.

"It's nice being alone."

He nudges your shoulder, internally cringing as he feels the new frailty. "I thought that was our thing. Alone together, right?"

"Right," you laugh weakly.

Then it's all quiet except for the slight creaking of the Ferris Wheel.

"Well, if you're not going to talk then you can just listen."

"Bucky," you sigh.

"No, you're listening now. What the hell are you doing?" he demands, staring you down for an answer.

"I thought I was just listening," you dryly remark.

"Do you really think this is funny? We don't do this anymore. We don't tear ourselves apart like this. You were doing so much better, why - why would you do this to yourself?"

You don't look at him. You're too afraid he'll see you cry again. "I don't know, Bucky. I didn't think there was a 'we' anymore."

"Even if there wasn't a 'we' anymore, that doesn't mean that you go off the rails," he continues, not knowing how much that hurts. How he didn't even deny that the one-time unbreakable bond, the ironclad unit was now gone.

You're alone, your mind chants. 

"I'm not off the rails," you snap. "I've got it under control."

"Under control?" he scoffs. "Passing out - in the middle of a mission, might I add - is under control?"

You don't look at him as you clench your jaw tightly.

"It won't happen again," you spit.

Even as the words leave your mouth, you know you're lying. You know it because you're already plotting on ways to improve.

How to hide food better.

How you can make the game last longer.

Right now all you want to do is be alone. You're sick of yourself, sick of trying, sick of being so... you don't even have words for what you feel right now. 

"You're damn right it won't happen again. This stops - today. God, what were you thinking? Why didn't you come to me, to anybody?" he asks, his words bordering on accusations. 

You don't tell him that you tried, you tried telling him the last time you spoke.

It's another reason that you know he doesn't give a damn about you. It's been months since the two of you really talked. You refuse to bring up Sharon, flinching at the memory of the last time you did that.

--

"Nothing, Bucky," you sigh, trying to gather the courage needed to ask for help, but for the first time, he's not listening to you.

"It's obviously something. Can you please just tell me?"

"It's just you and Sharon," you mumble, not being able to look him in the eye.

You want to tell him that you need him right now - it's pretty hard to admit.

You can handle torture from HYDRA, but food will always have an inexplicable power over you.

You want to tell him that you feel alone, really alone, and you need him, but the words aren't coming out right.

You're trying to be happy for him, but you miss him so much.

You're pathetic, being co-dependent on Bucky, but you don't have any strength to take this loneliness anymore.

Ever since that damned mission, it's getting so dark in your head, and he isn't hearing your cry for help.

You feel so selfish that you're unable to let him go, but you can't.

You just can't.

You can't lose him too.

"Jesus, you too!" Bucky shouts. "Why does everyone else get to be happy, but when I finally find someone, everyone's suddenly got a problem with it? I don't say anything about you and Steve, do I?"

"Me and Steve?" you ask, tears burning at your eyes.

Another first, you find yourself recoiling from your person. And you can feel the splintered remnants of your heart breaking into a million little pieces. 

"Please. Don't lie to me, I've seen it with my own two eyes, how you two flirt with each other, how you're always touching each other - And that's just what you do in public, God knows what you do behind closed doors!"

As if on cue, Steve walks in, probably having heard what Bucky said.

"Speak of the devil," Bucky mumbles.

"Bucky, there's nothing going on between us," Steve cautiously affirms.

"I don't care. You guys can sleep with each other all you want, just don't lie to me about it! And don't tell me how to live my life!"

"We're not," you insist, the tears still welling in your eyes.

You've never seen Bucky like this, not even as the Winter Soldier did Bucky ever scream at you like this.

And all you can think is, 'Wow, he must really love her'.

The tears are spilling now and out of fear for anyone, especially Bucky, seeing you like this, you stand up and walk out of the room. 

The two men remain glaring at each other.

Steve's the one that speaks first, Bucky too choked up by the guilt at making you cry.

He's never been the one to make you cry, never.

He's the one you come to when you're falling apart, he's not the one that tears you apart.

"If I go after her, are you going to accuse me of sleeping with her?" Steve angrily retorts before leaving and going after you.

For the first time in a long time, you cry yourself to sleep.

And it pummels you over and over that you're really, truly, undeniably alone this time. 

--

It's been months since that night and other than an apology for yelling and fleeting niceties, you have barely seen Bucky, let alone spoken to him.

The whole thing kills you.

You're falling apart and Bucky's never looked better.

Every day you have to talk yourself off the ledge, both physical and metaphorical, and lately you don't even know why you're bothering.  "I just don't know how you could be so okay without me."

"What?"

"Nothing," you shake your head.

You're so pathetic like this.

Another first, Bucky's not even remotely getting through to you this time. 

"What are your safe foods right now? Let's go get a bite."

"What?"

"What are you eating?" he reiterates. "I know there's something."

You can't look at him as you shake your head. How do you look at him and tell him that you're weak? That you're not choking anything down these days? 

"There's nothing? You haven't been eating anything?" he asks, his voice shaking as he fights to maintain a small semblance of composure. 

He's angry. At you. Even more at himself. 

He's hurt that you didn't come to him. Even more hurt that he's only got himself to blame for that. 

"I'm sorry," you whisper, still refusing to meet his eyes.

He takes you to a small diner. Without minimal words exchanged, he buys you a burger and fries.

You swear you can see the hatred burning in his eyes. The ire. The contempt. 

He forces that entire meal into your mouth.

All want is for it to be the same - you just wanted it to be the same.

You wanted to laugh with him, to make eating the slightest bit more bearable.

But the entire time he watches you silently, offering passing remarks and comments. It's all painfully silent. It makes it so much worse.

With the occasional forceful look, you finish the plate in front of you.

He never did that before. He didn't force you - he only offered encouragement.

And now you've made him hate you too.

After months of not eating, eating a full meal leaves you feeling sicker than you'd ever felt.

You swear that it wasn't even on purpose. You're in your room, choking down bile until you can't anymore.

You run to the bathroom feeling all the food burning at your esophagus.

When you're done, you're slumping down on the cool tile. You're cold and hot all at the same time, you're slipping into a comfortable darkness.

And this time you don't have enough energy to fight it.

When finally become aware, your eyelids feel too heavy to open or maybe you're too tired to carry the weight anymore. You're in some strange state of semi-awareness.

"You know, even before HYDRA, she was abused. She won't call it that, but I know she was. Her parents gave her up to HYDRA, freaking HYDRA. That's how much they hated her. I'm all she's ever had, and I wasn't here. She needed me and I turned my back on her," Bucky quietly laments, his warm hand resting on your cold hand.

"It's not your fault, Buck. No one knew how bad it was. I see her everyday and I didn't know. You can't blame yourself." Another voice says, Steve, you're pretty sure.

"I just don't get why she didn't say anything. To me, at least. I would've been here. She just looked - She looked fine. That's what I don't get she doesn't do this - she's never done this before," Bucky swears, his voice thick with distress. 

You hate you're the one that's making him miserable. 

"You think it was an accident?"

"Maybe. I think I pushed her too hard. I didn't even really talk to her, I just yelled at her."

"You yelled at her?" Steve remorsefully exhales. "Wait - What do you mean you pushed her too hard?"

"What else? I forced her to eat."

"Jesus, Bucky, you're the only person she trusts with this. I found what was probably months worth of food in her drawer. God knows how much she snuck out before that, she doesn't eat. At all. And you forced an entire meal into her?"

"I'm really messing this up, aren't I?"

"I think you two need to stop acting like it's your job to help her, she needs professional help." Another voice, a female voice says, you're pretty sure it's Sharon. "She's not a child and yet you two keep holding her hand and letting her get away with acting like one."

"She's not acting like a child, she needs help," Bucky defends, his tone gradually becoming sharper. "Why are you even here? I know how you feel about her."

"I'm here to support you. In spite of everything, I'm here for you. And I don't think you should be letting her get away with this desperate cry for attention. Just let them tube her and get it over with."

"I'm not letting them tube her if she doesn't need it. It won't help."

"You don't know that. Maybe this is the wake up call she needs," Sharon repeats, you can tell she's not trying to be mean, not trying to ruin your life. She doesn't get it. You've encountered those people before. The ones that believe in tough love and will-power. "Actions have consequences." 

"You should leave," Bucky whispers, his forehead coming to rest on the hand he still holds. "I don't want your support."

"Look, no matter how you two spin it, she did this on purpose. People don't throw up like that by themselves. I'm telling you what you need to hear. She needs some tough love."

"She's had tough love all her life - that's the last thing she needs right now. She needed a friend and I turned my back on her," Bucky grits. It's too silent for a minute, when he finally speaks, it's sharp and to the point, "Just go, Sharon."

You hear her quietly scoff, "Fine. Do what you want."

When you actually wake, Bucky's quietly snoring in the chair next to you.

You're relieved there isn't a tube in your nose. You've heard it's painful.

But Bucky's right, it won't help.

You'd probably rip it out yourself then continue on. The two of you always said that recovery was a process. Bucky's nightmares didn't stop in one night, and it took you time to get back to healthy eating habits.

Your heart is beating out of your chest and it feels like you can't breath right now.

The lights are all off and Bucky's out cold, so you take this opportunity to get some fresh air.

The roof is a place that you'd become accustomed to.

You came up here all the time.

It was a place where your newfound loneliness became bearable. 

You take a seat at the ledge, your legs are criss-crossed and you just sit there and imagine a time where you didn't completely hate yourself. Where you didn't make everyone around you miserable. Where people didn't die because of you.

In the infirmary, Bucky jolts awake.

It's not completely unnatural for him, but it's like he can tell that you're not there.

That a vital piece of him is missing.

He looks over to your bed and immediately notices your absence, he's up and searching for you immediately. 

He asks FRIDAY about your last known location - the stairwell to the roof. 

And he's running.

He doesn't know where your mind is right now and he's not taking a chance.

He runs and runs like hell until he makes it to the roof.

He slams the door open. Only freezing when he sees you sitting on the ledge.

You're startled by the slam of the door.

You turn around to find Bucky breathing heavily, looking panicked.

You quickly put two and two together: he thinks you're going to jump.

"Relax, I'm not going to jump," you huff, rolling your eyes. "It's just nice up here. You can ask FRIDAY, if you don't believe me, I come up here all the time."

"I believe you," he says, but he remains in a cautious stance.

He's inching closer to you like any sudden movement will set you off. You really hate that.

"Do you? Do you believe me when I tell you I didn't mean to throw up like that? That I didn't mean for any of this to happen?" You know your tone is much too curt for Bucky, but everything hurts so much right now.

"I do - that was my fault. I pushed too hard."

Bucky's slow approach doesn't stop, and now it's starting to really bug you. You'd never thought about actually jumping before.

You roll your eyes and nudge your head over for him to join you, "I told you I'm not going to jump. You can stop that."

"Promise?"

"Promise. It's not like I couldn't save myself if I fell or something." You remain quiet as Bucky takes a seat next to you, dangling his legs off of the ledge. "What would happen? If I did do it?"

"I'd probably bust my ass jumping to save you," he chuckles.

You're just thinking out loud right now, not bothering to censor your ideation in front of Bucky, "No, I mean, really - what would happen if I jumped? Who would miss me? People wouldn't die because I mess up."

"Don't talk like that. I'd miss you. I'd miss you forever. And those people, it was an accident. You're a human, a human with limits just like the rest of us."

You nod, but you don't say anything for another moment. "Why didn't you let them tube me?"

"Because I know you - I know you wouldn't want that," he says simply.

Then it's quiet. You're both staring at vast emptiness that surrounds the Compound. 

"Do you miss me like I miss you?" you whisper, thinking about all the moments that you've shared with Bucky. It's always been so easy, until now. Why can't it be like that anymore, you wonder.

"Every day, doll."

Bucky is naturally a retreater, you - you're not like that.

Your response is to dive in, to poke and prod at the area until you figure out why it hurts.

And when you retreated, Bucky would be lying if he said that he didn't notice.

He thought that it was his fault, so he backed off. He retreated.

It just never occurred to him to do the poking and prodding himself - he figured when you were ready to confront whatever was bothering you, you just would. He hates that he didn't see all the signs.

"Don't lie to me," you grit out, the rooftop lights flicker with the surge of your power. "Just stop lying to me. This - It's not healthy. I should be able to let you go. I shouldn't need you like this. Not when you don't need me."

"Who said I don't need you? Of course I need you," he insists, resting his hand on yours.

"No, you don't," you vehemently refute, pulling your hand away from his. "You're perfectly fine without me. And me? The second you try to have an ounce of happiness, I fall apart. Sharon was right, it's not your job to put me back together. It's not fair to you."

"Since when do you listen to Sharon?"

"Since she's the one that makes you happy. And I'm the one that makes you miserable. I am sorry about that. About Sharon." It's selfish that you can't let him go. That you want to be the one that makes him happy even though you know you can't. "I guess it's true: misery loves company."

"You don't make me miserable. You could never make me miserable."

"Yes, I do."

"It's a dark place you're in right now," he acknowledges.

He knows his words right now are just that - words. There's probably nothing that he's going to say right now that will sink in - that it will take time and work before you believe anything that he's saying.

He knows what its like to be in this place, he knows and yet he says the words anyway. "Why didn't you come to me earlier? We've never kept things from each other before, why now?" You don't say anything, you don't want to make Bucky feel worse when you're the reason that he's down already. So you don't say anything. Your silence is his answer. "You tried to tell me that day - the day I yelled at you. Didn't you?"

"It just gets so loud sometimes," you whisper.

"I thought you were still shutting all the thoughts out."

"I can't shut out my own thoughts," you quietly admit.

"What are you thinking?"

"That I'm all alone. For real this time."

"You're-"

"Don't say I'm not," you cut him off, tears stinging your eyes again. "Because I am, every second of everyday I'm alone. Every good thing I've ever had, I ruin. I'm a ruiner. It's why my parent gave me up. It's why you left me. It's why those people died. That mission today. It's my fault."

"I'm sorry I left you, Doll."

"Please don't do that. You should be able to be happy without me interfering."

"What do I have to do to get it through your thick skull? You're stuck with me." He cups your head between both his hands, forcing you to look at him. He presses his forehead to yours. "I'm not happy unless you're right there with me. I've been in hell the last 6 months trying to give you your space. All I want to do right now is kiss you and make it better."

"What?"

He drops his hands and suddenly he's the one not looking at you. "I should not have said that."

"Why not?" you timidly ask, worried that he's going to say that he doesn't mean it. "It's because of Sharon, isn't it?"

"No," he scoffs. "I broke up with her months ago. It's because when I do kiss you - it's going to be when you're back on your feet. Not like this, not when we've both been tearing ourselves apart for months." He takes your hand when he sees the thinly veiled disappointment on your face. "And when you're better, I'm going to take you to Coney Island for real this time.  And it's going to be perfect, just you and me."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

AnonymityIsFun Masterlist Bucky Barnes Masterlist

[anonymityisfunwriter]

before i had anything else written, i knew exactly how i was going to end this story. it's just so funny and so on brand for him, you know?

like we all that this man is sunshine's sassy father, right?

thank you so much for reading! 💛

Ok, after having listened to TTPD on loop, I have a request ft. But, daddy I love him.

Dream sequence fic starring Sunshine x Bucky and the dream is set in the 40s with Nick Fury and Sam Wilson as Sunshine's father and brother respectively. Something magical hit 'em and now the whole team is kind of in a dream while loki is the only one awake (he's a powerful witch duh😂) and everyone has been weirdly cast in the 40s roles.

Feel free to run along as you'd love. As always, I adore your writing 🫶🤍

No because I’ve never written a dream sequence before but like that means I can be a little more unhinged frivolous than I normally am. I know this took a hot minute, but I hope you enjoy! Thank you for the ask! 💛

But Daddy I Love Him

Pairing - Grumpy!Bucky Barnes x Sunshine!Reader Summary - You weren't really his daughter. He wasn't really your father. And yet, his constant disapproval makes you want to scream 'But Daddy, I love him'.

Bucky Barnes Masterlist | Grumpy Sunshine Series

"Nick," Sam tries for what feels like the dozenth time. "Really, they didn't have anything to do with it. It's on me, I'm- "

"This meeting is adjourned," Nick sharply cuts Sam off. You begin to stand from your seat at the conference room table as Nick Fury's cutting glare meets yours, "Not you."

The moment those words leave Fury's mouth, Bucky freezes.

There's a part of Bucky that knows anything he says or does right now will make this about ten times worse.

And yet, there's an even bigger part of him that doesn't care. He'll defend you to Nick Fury. He'll stand there and refuse to let him tear into you about this of all things.

Nick glares at him, speaking pointedly as Bucky refuses to move an inch even as the rest of the team timidly shuffles out, "I said meeting is adjourned."

You nod as Bucky rests a comforting hand on your shoulder, "Go. I'll be okay."

Bucky's eyes meet yours for a short moment, silently asking you if you'll actually be okay. You nod again, jutting your chin toward the door.

After the door clicks shut behind Bucky, the room is quiet for a long moment.

Your eyes flicker up to meet Nick's, "It was an accident, Nick."

"An accident?" He snorts in disbelief, "Going public with the Winter Soldier is an accident?"

"With James. James Buchanan Barnes."

He rolls his eyes, grunting in distaste, "That's not who the world sees."

You stand up from your chair, fighting the urge to stomp your foot like a petulant child, "I don't care! I don't care what the world sees!"

"You don't care?" he scoffs, resting his hands on his hips. "You don't care that the reputation that you've built is going to be singlehandedly torn to shreds? You're saying you're willing to burn down everything you've worked so hard to build... for him?"

There isn't a moment's pause or hesitation as you utter a single word, "Yes."

"For him?"

"For him."

Nick shakes his head, his muscles in his jaw ticking, "He's not good enough for you."

You scoff at him, "Is that what this is about?"

He rolls his eyes, planting his hands on the table, "No, now, it's about your imminent fall from grace."

"My name is mine to disgrace, Nick! I love him!"

"You're not thinking." Nick forcefully taps his temple, "Think about this. Think about what you're doing!"

"No!"

He throws his hands up in frustration, "So that's it then?"

"Why can't you just support me?" you implore.

"Because you clearly don't care what I have to say!"

"That's not true!" you raise your voice, feeling a wave of defensiveness wash over you. "It was an accident. Sam didn't mean to post that picture. He told you that himself."

"I think he did," Nick sharply accuses. And for the first time ever, he speaks to you like the Director of SHEILD instead of the Nick you've always known. "I think you didn't like that I told you to wait, to bide your time. I think you went behind my back and disobeyed direct orders."

You scoff, "So you're calling me a liar?"

His tone is sharp. Another first, it seems like he doesn't even care about sparing your feelings. His words are as sharp and cutthroat as his reputation, "I think you're blinded by your own feelings. And I think that you're making a big mistake."

This time, you do stomp your foot like his petulant child, "It's my mistake to make! I'm not taking it back."

He raises his chin defiantly, "And I'm not changing my mind."

You cross your arms, refusing to back down, "Me neither."

He stands to his full height, his face blank and emotionless, "Then I guess there's nothing left to say."

The words feel like a punch to the gut, but you still can't bring yourself to back down, "I guess not..."

"You're dismissed."

The words hit you like a punch to the gut. You've never actually been dismissed. Everyone knew you weren't just an Avenger or agent or Asset to Nick. And now, he was talking to you like that's all you were.

There's a heaviness in the pit of your stomach as you stand out of your seat. You keep your eyes locked on his as you stand up, silently imploring him to see reason, to see how much you love Bucky.

It doesn't happen. You shake your head at him once more.

And you walk out the conference room feeling more distraught then you've felt in quite some time.

You never fight with Nick like that. You hardly ever had disagreements, let alone full blown screaming matches.

The pain of the intense argument just reminds you that he's always been more than just your commander, more than just the director of SHIELD. He's the closest thing you've got to a father figure. But you're not changing your mind anymore than he is.

"I take it that it didn't go well?" Loki asks, leaning against the wall in front of the conference room.

You shake your head with a sad smile, "Not exactly."

He places a light hand on your shoulder, patting it once, "It’s a rite of passage for a child to disappoint their parents. It was bound to happen.”

"Except Nick isn’t my dad.”

Loki raises an eyebrow at you, “Didn’t you refer to him as your father?”

“That was one time and it was an accident!” you huff.

“Accidental or not, it’s a part of growing up. Especially for a precocious, dutiful daughter like yourself.”

A smile tugs at the corner of your lips, “Are you trying to make me feel better?"

Loki shrugs, "I suppose I am. Is it working?”

"Not really, but thank you." You scrunch your nose, shaking your head slightly, "I appreciate the attempt."

He lets go of your shoulder with another pat, "It will work out. One way or another."

"Did your magic tell you that?"

He begins to walk away with his signature, mischievous smirk, "Something like that."

"I didn't like the way you just said that, Loki," you call down the corridor. "Should I be worried about that?"

He shrugs, "Like I said, it will settle. One way or another."

There's a part of you that knows you should go after him and question his plans.

The part that wins out is the one in desperate search of comfort after the blowout with the closest thing you have to a father figure.

“How did it go?” Bucky asks the moment you enter your room. Your only response in a defeated groan as you slump down face first onto your bed. Bucky sighs, pulling you close to him, "He'll come around."

"I hope so." You turn your cheek, looking up at him with a sad smile, "Even if he doesn't, I hope you know that it doesn't change anything, I love you."

He strokes your cheek, "I love you too."

"We should get some sleep. I'm drained."

"Come here."

You rest your head against his chest, allowing yourself to be soothed by the warmth of Bucky's skin.

The last thing you remember is drifting off into a restless sleep.

In the next moment, you find yourself jolted up with a sharp gasp of air.

You stare down at yourself, your normal clothes replaced by a puffy poodle skirt and a neatly tucked in crisp, white blouse. “Wow… this is different.”

You jolt at the sound of the familiar voice behind you. “Tell me about it.”

You can't help the wide grin that tugs at both corners of your lips as you take in the sight of Bucky before you. His normal, short, fluffy hair is entirely slicked back. His dark jeans and henley replaced with rugged, blue denim and a white t-shirt with a snug leather jacket.

You cheekily tug at Bucky's unzipped leather jacket. “Oh, I'm having that dream again.”

He quirks an eyebrow, “Um... did you mean to say that out loud?"

"What?"

He smirks down at you, twirling the ends of your high ponytail, "You dream of me like this?"

Your eyebrows pull together. Your head whips around as you take in the room again. And yes, you're sure you're still dreaming.

A similar realization dawns on Bucky - this isn't normal. This isn't like any dream Bucky you've conjured up.

No, this was really him.

Right here.

In your dream.

He paces the length of the room, the worry in his eyes palpable. “Are you really here right now? In my dream?”

“Am I?”

“Are you?" you challenge.

Nick storms in, the door slamming behind him, "Didn't I tell you to stay away from her?!"

Your head whips toward the door, "Nick?"

Nick blinks a few times, staring down at his hands for a moment, "What the hell?"

"Uh... what the hell is happening right now?" Bucky lilts.

You shrug your shoulders, "I have no idea."

Sam storms in from the stairs behind you, "You're not good enough for my sister!"

"Sam?" you squawk. "What is happening!?"

"Even in my dreams I can't escape him," Bucky grumbles.

"What are you doing in my dream?" Sam demands.

"What are you doing in my dream?" you counter.

"Everyone shut up!" Nick interrupts. "Now, everyone think. What happened just before we went to sleep?"

"Nothing, I went to bed like I normally do."

"Same here."

"I fell asleep in front of the TV in my room," Sam admits.

"So how the hell did we all end up here in the same dream?" Nick rhetorically asks.

"I don't think this is a dream," Bucky interjects.

You look over at him, quirking an eyebrow, "Why?"

"My arm." He glances down at his metal arm, flexing his arms. "I don't normally dream it. In my dreams, I have my flesh arm."

"So then what is this?"

"Magic?" you reply.

"If someone hit the Compound, wouldn't everyone be here?" Sam counters.

Your head tilts as you weigh his words, "That's true..."

"So what if this was targeted?" Bucky offers.

"And what exactly would be the point of that?" Nick argues.

You sharply gasp, "Loki..."

"What? What about Loki?"

"I ran into him in the hallway after me and Nick..." Your eyes flicker up at Nick, whose mouth twists with something vaguely resembling remorse. "He said that we would work things out."

"Is that all he said?"

"Yeah, pretty much. He said we would work things out one way or another."

"One way or another? What if this is 'another'?"

"Who says that we're even stuck in here? Maybe we all just need to wake up?" Sam offers.

"And how would we do that?" you ask.

Without missing a beat, Bucky reaches out, pinching Sam.

"Ow!" Sam shrieks. "What the hell?"

Bucky offers an unapologetic smirk and half shrug, "That would've done it."

"So we're stuck?"

"Maybe this is like an escape room kinda thing. Maybe we're supposed to find a key or something."

“Okay, we just need to figure this out. There has to be a reasonable explanation for this.”

“Or there’s a weird, strange, magic thing going on that we will never be able to explain.”

“Yeah, or that.”

"Hey guys?" You look down at the coffee table. "Were these scripts always here?"

"Scripts?"

"Look, we each have one with our name on it."

"I'm not doing this," Sam announces after a quick skim. The house starts rumbling beneath your feet. Dishes from a kitchen you can't see clatter to the ground. "Okay, okay, I'll do it!"

The moment the words leave his mouth, the ground settles.

"Wait to piss off the magical dream, Sam," Bucky hisses.

"Okay, Nick, you're up first."

He grunts in displeasure, taking a long moment before finally acquiescing, "Fine... Didn't I tell you to stay away from my daughter?"

"Sam..." you cajole.

"Fine," he groans. "You're not good enough for my sister! But for the record, I only lightly threatened Bucky. I was never against your relationship."

"You once threatened to chop me up and feed me to the fish."

"Yeah, but I only did it once!"

"But daddy I love him?" you awkwardly recite. "I can't say this!"

"Just read the damn script!" Sam groans. "I want to go back to sleep. For real this time!"

“And I’m having his baby!” Both Nick's and Sam's jaws hit the ground. You look up from your script to their shocked faces. “No, I’m not - but you should see your faces.”

"Whoever wrote this script, it needs some work!" Sam shouts out into the ether.

"And what will they say about you?"

"I don't care." You take a step out of Bucky's arms, "I'm not coming to my senses. He's the one I want."

Nick makes a sound of open displeasure, "Of course, I have to listen to this in and out of consciousness..."

"Maybe if you would actually listen to me, you wouldn't have to hear it over and over again," you shoot back.

"Or maybe if you stopped acting like a child throwing a temper tantrum the second you don't get what you want-"

"I'm being childish?" you squawk.

"Yes! You're being unreasonable and impractical!"

"You're the one being unreasonable!" You storm over to the front door, flinging it open. "Why do you even care so much?"

"Why do I care? Why do I care?" He shouts back, right on your heels as you angrily pace the front porch of the dream house. "Because if I'm the only father you get, you better believe I'm gonna be a damn good one!"

The words stop you in your tracks. You sharply inhale, the emotions lodging itself in your throat, "Nick..."

The words take him aback, but even he knows there would be no point in denying it. Even if you both denied it, there was really only one reason why he was coming down so hard on you.

He stands before you, shaking his head, "I know it's not much, I know I'm not perfect, and I know it doesn't make up for you being alone for so long, but I'm here now. I'm here. And if I'm what you get, then I'm going to give it my all."

In his short pause, you can say nothing, still mostly stunned silent. Even if you could speak, you know there's nothing that you could say that could accurately show how much it all meant to you, how much he meant to you.

All your anger, all your outrage disappears the moment you realize what this all boils down to.

He cares.

In his own, Nick Fury way, he cares.

You rush towards him, slightly knocking the wind out of him with the force of your embrace.

He strokes the back of your head for just a short moment, “You really love him, don’t you?”

“More than anything.”

Nick's hand drops, sighing with a slight grumble, "Clearly enough to concoct this elaborate dream sequence."

You chuckle, pulling away, "Oh, this really wasn't me. I have no idea how we all ended up here."

"What?"

"Yeah, I had nothing to do with this. We could be trapped here for all I know."

"We could be trapped here and we're having a heart to heart on a fake porch?"

"Hey, Nick? How did we get out onto the porch?"

"What do you mean? We walked right through that-" His words trail off as he points to a door that isn't there anymore. "That door."

A panicked gasp leaves you, "Oh my God, Sam and Bucky are gone too."

Nick rests a comforting hand on your shoulder, "Let's just stay calm. We just need to think this through."

You look down at the script tightly clutched in your hands. "Wait, look, the script changed."

Nick sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Now what?"

"Daddy, I love him," you begin to recite. "And he loves me too. I know it won't be easy, but he's the one I want."

"If he makes you happy, then I'm happy for you."

You look back up at him, your eyes shining with hope, "Do you mean that?"

"That's not part of the script."

"Do you though?"

"Assuming that we ever escape this, yeah, I do mean it. I just worry. I worry about you."

"Thanks, Nick."

Nick violently jolts awake from the dream. He looks around his room in a cold sweat, "Motherfu-"

Bucky Barnes Masterlist Grumpy Sunshine Series

As always, let me know what you think! Reblogs and comments are always appreciated! 💛

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