anonymousgrowthshop

[anonymousgrowthshop]

Day Two Update

It’s technically now day 3, but I’m unable to sleep so maybe I’ll post an update about what happened on the 27th. Well, after that night with rum on my balcony applying endlessly for jobs on indeed. 

After a few interviews, I decided to start a job at this arcade gaming manufacturing company as a tech and marketing expert. The entire car ride home, I was screaming and yelling at the top of my lung. Not because I got a job, trust me, I’ve gotten endless job offers since I quit my corporate job. I just couldn’t find one that I’d be completely happy at. Though I’m nervous because I hate starting over in terms of a career, the owner, the employees at this company looked satisfied, happy with their choices. The owner offered me above, and I mean way above what the indeed posted pay description was. He saw value in me, told me I can wear as many hats in the company as I want due to experience. Even asked me to start the next day. However, I do have a few more offers I’m entertaining. So far this has been the most promising and fulfilling prospect. 

The owner listened to my business ideas, plans, and even offered to partner up and start another business on the side. I honestly couldn’t resist. An owner that cares, and listens to employees is a company I’d like to work for. 

Anyways, as promised, a dark secret I needed to get off my chest. I’ve been a shitty person, done sketchy things in my life. It’s not like I didn’t know better, it’s more like I felt what I’ve done to be necessary. A cold life lesson I’ve learned is that the system that is our lives were designed to suppress. Sometimes, to progress you’re going to need to step on some toes, you’re going to need to cheat a little. I’ve taken the honest route most of my life, obeyed rules, feared broken-ness, and every single time I’ve been burned for it. 

I’ve watched my exes do these sketchy things, break laws, ruin lives, and yet they’re somehow happy, content, and continuously growing. One thing I’ve done that’s sketchy has always been around money. Especially when I get desperate or petty. When I read a text message my ex had sent to her ex and friends about how she could just say she loved me and would be able to get me to do anything, buy her anything. It hurt, and I was petty with her money. I spent every dime I could on dinners, gifts, flowers, everything on her. I gloated, I showboated, I flexed with her money. When confronted, I felt like a shitty person though many in my shoes told me I shouldn’t, I lied and said I gambled it all in stocks. It was better than saying “i’ve been flexin’ with your money”. All the things I claimed I bought her, in actuality she bought for herself with her own money. Now I have this chip on my shoulder always following me with everyone thinking I gambled it away. Nonetheless, I felt it was just but petty because I soiled my name and ruined her potential future. She had me out there all day and night delivering her weed which btw, was an illegal dispensary. She can tell everyone she never asked me to do any of it, or she never made me do any of it. But how would any true guy handle it? When she prefaced the first few times with “wow, you’re going to let a girl do a delivery at midnight?” 

Ehh, manipulative or not. I chose to stay. I guess. But the double standard there is crazy don’t you think? When a girl plays a guy and he goes broke, society blames the guy. He’s dumb and “whipped”, deserved what was coming. When a guy plays a girl, it turns into a “men ain’t shit” story. Crazy how that works. 

[anonymousgrowthshop]

Day Two

Well it is now October 27th, 2021. I applied for quite a number of jobs last night after a night of rum and sprite. Woke up to a slew of phone calls and voicemails on offers. Things are starting to look up for me. I just have to be able to sustain the job. I have the urgency to quit on a whim when things get rough for me. It’s hard to understand why I have these impulses, I don’t feel as if I’m lazy just arrogant. I’m instacarting 10-12 hours a day. Something to do with not having a regular schedule, not having a boss that looks over my shoulders, and a lot to do with pride. I use to be in high management positions and going back to a job where I’m treated as a low level summer-time temporary employee just doesn’t sit right with my ego. 

But that’s the thing right? I want to restart my business, I need some kind of capital. So today, I’m going to make a decision on employment prospects, and start to map out a business plan. I went viral on tiktok a few times, so hopefully I can use that as part of my marketing campaign. Now i need to find and stick to a niche market. 

Something about posting on Tumblr and kind of like journaling and not caring who sees it is kind of therapeutic in a sense. I’ll post an update later tonight to see the progress. 

I’ll probably post some dark secrets I have on my shoulders and maybe that’ll help. 

[anonymousgrowthshop]

Taking A Shot

Today’s the first thing I’ve revisited Tumblr. I’m trying this whole anonymity and using it to gauge my personal growth. I’ve been dealing with life’s trials and tribulations like there were no tomorrows. The past two years dealing with the failing of my professional life and business, to my personal mental health and the constant battles between contemplation of suicide and revelations to get better. This is the intro into a revelation I’ve gotten after a long day with Instacarting followed by a night of drinking out on my balcony. 

Let’s take a flash back to 2019. I had a thriving business for phone repairs. I worked at a pretty big corporation while running the side business. I thought I was heading to what the perceived direction of success was. 

I shortly met an old flame I had in highschool and we quickly rekindled the fire. Oh how the toxicity of highschool drama re-entered my life so quickly like my parents were to abandon me. Shortly after we moved in together.I started paying for bills, dinners, rent... long last, pretty much everything.

I started seeing a progression of change in the interactions we were having with each other. I got curious, went through her phone and found she had texted an ex boyfriend at 3AM, saying “I miss you, I want to see you”, the audacity with her laying next to me. Mind you, she was in the game (selling/slanging weed). I confronted her about it. She played me like a fiddle, “the guys I used to date, they didn’t work like you do, they were with me all the time. With you being gone for most of the day it really affects me.” I started taking days off at a time from the corporate job I had, the one I’d consider a dream company to work for. Many people would of wished to be even in the warehouse. It’s a computer gaming company, you get perks like free game codes, computer hardware discounts, insider news and information, along with a slew of perks like the Funko mystery boxes, the monthly gifts, and not to mention, 4th year anniversary? A Rolex. 

Soon there after, I neglected my phone repair business and that started to die down. I actually closed my physical location and moved straight into mobile repairs on a schedule only basis. 

Then came the pregnancy announcement. She told me she was pregnant, I was so happy. Insanely happy that I went ahead and told all my friends and family. Soon there after, she told me she had a miscarriage and I felt guilty. I spent more and more on her. When my savings went dry, she convinced me to start delivering her weed for her. I never made a dime/kept a dime of those deliveries. I then started to see changes in her phone passwords, and a lot secrecy around her phone... She had started texting her ex, meeting up with him while I was out delivering her weed for her. I got petty, and started spoiling her with her own money. The money she had handed me to safekeep for her. She wanted fancy dinners, dates, gifts, I used her own money for that, but I did it in a douche-like fashion and started flexing on her with it. 

When the time came, I was already depressed from self sabotaging my own business and my career. I was feeling lonely and trapped in such a toxic relationship. I felt lonely as hell. The day it felt the worse was when I was out at dinner with her, I saw all the roommates had hung out without inviting me. 

I felt hurt as when I was doing well, all of them were there to profit by enjoying a night out on me. When I was doing my worse, no one cared to invite me to something so remedial as dinner at a Pho restaurant. 

I remember that night so clearly. We sat in the car after dinner, and I told her “I’ve never felt so lonely in my life”, her response? “They thought you were annoying and didn’t want to hangout with you.” She watched me cry in the car that night.

I decided to confront the roommates, and it had turned out. The girl I was dating at the time had told them I was going through some things and its best to leave me alone. I was absolutely segregated. 

After a few more months and her money ran dry from my senseless spending on dinners, dates, and her bills on her. I found a doctors receipt for some Plan B. Which hurt me even more because she told me she was depressed from the miscarriage and used that as guilt on me to continue delivering her weed for her.

At my lowest, I was at the beach for about 6 hours. On the phone with suicide prevention. After awhile, I decided that it was time. I had learned to tie a knot, put it around my neck. That night, I ended up in a hospital bed, then a psychiatric ward. Probably the worst experience of my life, and only a select few were there for me after. She had told everyone I had done it for attention, that I had so much guilt for “stealing” her money and couldn’t live with myself. AITA?

Fast forward a few years, I’ve joined the military and came back. Now I’m having a hard time readjusting to what normality is since COVID hit. What is normality? I can’t keep a day job for the life of me and moving into this apartment seemed like a dumb idea. I’m scrambling every month just to come up barely short on rent.

This is my last attempt at creating a future for myself. 

So through these daily posts you’ll either see my progression or digression. Nonetheless, it’s my way of finding therapy instead of going through a professional. This blogs meant for me, personally to track my growth personally and professionally and for all others who struggle alongside with me to know that they’re not the only ones trying to move forward. 

Follow me if you’d like to see the daily progression.