antihatecoalition

[antihatecoalition]

🌱🌱🌱

[antihatecoalition]

hey

hey friend

dont kill yourself tonight ok

you have a really pretty smile and i know its not always easy to manage one but itd be a bummer if we never had the chance to see it ever again

youre really important and you matter a lot so stay safe and try and have a nice sleep

[antihatecoalition]

Shout out to anyone who’s struggling with their mental health and doesn’t think they can live like this for much longer; if you’re reading this, please stay alive, you’re still here and you’re so strong and i’m proud of you.

[antihatecoalition]

It’s world mental health day and I’m not gonna write a huge paragraph on why it’s important bc we all know it’s a shit thing to go through and there’s still a huge stigma around it, but if you’re struggling and you’re still alive then I’m proud of you, if you’re on your way to recovery I’m proud of you, and if you haven’t started that path I encourage you to do so but I’m still proud of you

[antihatecoalition]

[Image description: drawing of an orange sloth saying “Set small goals. Set big goals. Set fun goals. Set creative goals. Set ambitious goals. Set unusual goals. Set goals that are right for you.” in a blue speech bubble.]

[antihatecoalition]

Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You matter. You’re important. You’re loved & your presence on this earth makes a difference whether you see it or not

[antihatecoalition]

you will make it out alive. you will have done it. that future version of you exists. a happy one, one that looks back at you and is so glad you did not give up.

[antihatecoalition]

today i want to talk about the phrase “it gets better”

because guess what. sometimes it doesn’t get Better. All the way better.

but guess what. it also does get Better. it gets better. kind of.

this post is dedicated to the boy who said that i am “proof it doesn’t get better.”

what i should have told him: fuck you. what i told him: gosh thanks sweetie, fuck you

what i should have said: you don’t know me. you don’t know where i have been, or where i am now, or where i want to be. what i said: don’t pretend to understand what you can’t know. how my mind is a labyrinth and i was locked in the center, in a small quiet room, the eye of the storm if you will.

what i should have said: true recovery is never linear, never a straight upwards slope. you are not a mathematical equation. you are human. you are nature. you breathe into your lungs what fuels forest fires. you are not a number that can be put into a grid, you are not a statistic, you are not a point on a line chart, you are a person. what i said: i broke open the door at the center of this labyrinth full of Doors. behind this door was a feather bed with memory foam pillows. it was almost comfortable. it was heavy. yeah, seriously, it was almost really comfortable, when i didnt mind the whole swallowed-by-my-bed thing, or the whole brain-encased-in-cement-like-pillow-that-grows-harder-and-harder-and-harder-to escape-the-longer thing. i looked like a beetle on its back. a beetle thinking about trying to get up, arms treading air hopelessly. i hope you laugh at that image. because yeah. it felt peaceful, and comfortable, and hilarious that i’d even think to struggle my way out of this silence. but i did. i did i did i did i did

BETTER WILL LOOK DIFFERENT ON EVERYONE.

for some, yeah. better will be a life totally free of mental illness. amazing. it could be you. it might not be. but it could be. the teenage brain is a complicated thing, and sometimes mental illnesses, like depression and anxiety, are the products of chemicals that over or under produce. the developing brain is capable of balancing itself out. scientifically speaking, there is a reasonably high chance that a teenager with depression or anxiety will recover in early to mid adulthood.

IT WILL GET BETTER.

for some, better will look a shit ton like worse. mental illness will stick around, it will be something you live with for a long time. this is more likely true if you develop a disorder in your later teens or early twenties (but no one can use this as an indicator). having said that, apparently even people with personality disorders have a chance of emergence after about ten years. sometimes a sticky mental illness will only arrive in bouts. it will not be constant. your life will know better seasons.

IT WILL STILL GET BETTER.

and a lot worse, but it will always always always always get better. if you have experienced joy, you will experience joy again. there’s no reason you won’t. if it was possible before. it happened. it was real, and so were you.

what i should have said: the better you become at lifting weights, the lighter they do not become. you run track, boy. you keep pushing to run further, faster. and this pain, your heaving lungs and shaking legs, you take it with you. it tells you if it was worth it… they always get you there. what i said: with every door i break down, comes another breed of monster. the further i get from the center, i think the labyrinth is more and more afraid of losing me to peace, to joy, to myself. it is a selfish thing, these walls, they love me more dearly than you ever will love anyone. the further i go, the tighter it grips into my shoulders, the more the void begs me to stay, the sharper the teeth of the wolves behind every door. when i kill a monster, i yank out its teeth, cracking blood over my hands, and i use the teeth like knives. i break down another door, and the new wolf smells blood. sometimes i can barely hear the murmur of the ocean, or see the slip of the mountains, but the glimpse through a threadlike crack in the wall is enough. i’m coming, i whisper to them. my strikes of light. im coming im coming im coming

sometimes better looks likes worse. sometimes better is learning exactly what is eating at you, what triggers you, what the root problem is, and confronting them with guns in your hands. it hurts. it’s a huge struggle. but in a way, this can be “better.” staring it in the face and fighting will always be better. talking about it will always be better. always. fighting always looks uglier. 

sometimes better looks ugly. like seeing the ugly. like letting others see your ugly. letting friends, family, strangers, or doctors or therapists see your ugly. sometimes better looks like being loved despite all your ugly. 

sometimes better looks like crouching on the floor, crying and begging god to heal you. at least you’re finally asking someone other than yourself.

BETTER LOOKS LIKE AT LEAST IM TRYING A LITTLE BIT.

what i should have said: I GOT UP THIS MORNING AND I WASHED MY HAIR. I EVEN PUT ON LOTION. IT SMELLED LIKE LAVENDER. I SMELL LIKE LAVENDER. I SMELL LIKE GROWING THINGS. I MADE MYSELF A CUP OF TEA AND WENT BACK TO BED. I DRANK TEA. IN BED. I EVEN GOT OUT MY NOTEBOOK. I DIDNT WRITE IN IT, BUT I THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT I’D WRITE. I GOT TO WORK. I GET TO WORK EVERY DAY. IT’S ALL THE INTERACTION I HAVE ENERGY FOR RIGHT NOW, BUT I DID IT. I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT I SLEPT FOR FIVE HOURS ISNT THAT GREAT? ISNT THAT GREAT? IM ALIVE ISNT THAT GREAT? IM STILL HERE. WONT YOU CELEBRATE THAT WITH ME. WONT YOU TELL ME GOOD JOB. I SURVIVED. I PUT ON MY CHAPSTICK. MY LIPS AREN’T BLEEDING TODAY. I DID IT. what i said: ye u right 

sometimes better looks like understanding yourself, and knowing how to cope. sometimes better is not being able to get out of bed, but still being there to lie there. sometimes better is learning to avoid your triggers. sometimes better looks pathetic and ugly to the world around you, but it is contentedness in where you are, and giving yourself the grace to gently grow better.

sometimes better is only patience and grace and forgiveness and quiet mornings where you know you can start the clock over again.

sometimes better looks like ugly catharsis embraced. sometimes better looks like screaming. sometimes better looks like coping.

BETTER LOOKS LIKE SCARS.

this is not to say you need to hurt yourself, this is to say whatever hurt you have experienced, it is yours and you have felt it and it will heal in some way, somehow. even if it is visible. even if it is ugly. the ugly is beautiful, they tell stories of your resilience, stories of grace. you do not need physical scars to have a story. you only need the breath in your lungs.

IT GETS BETTER.

you figure out how to live. you learn how to cope. you let people surround you, one person, or five. you let your hands be held. you let them hold your shoulders up, when you can’t. you embrace them when they can’t imagine it. you exist for each other.

you don’t do It.

IT GETS BETTER.

you cannot see this future ahead of you. the future is an open highway at five in the morning, with the sun coming up. the earth is round, you can see the horizon. you never know. you never FUCKING know. yeah, dude. there might be a car crash waiting for you. or a beach. or a beautiful sunset. or a hitchhiker who changes your life. four years ago i was a junior in high school, and i had endless panic attacks over the future. i had absolutely no plan whatsoever, and i am still terrified. but i have a plan now. and it’s a good one. one i never ever saw coming. but it’s an open window in april. maybe it feels like sunshine, or a rainy baptism, or a brewing storm prickling my skin with electricity. sometimes the future almost kills me. i don;t know if i’ll go out the window, or if i’ll stay inside. i feel every emotion every day, and i am terrified, and i am hurt and bruised, but sometimes i’m glad i’m here to be terrified. i still want to die, every day, but every day that i stay, i prove to myself that i can. and the earth sometimes opens up the clouds while she rains, and there are rainbows across the sky. when i can’t find the rainbows, when im crying or panicking or lonely or suicidal: i rub my eyes, and there, i see a glimpse of the color. so maybe this is what god meant by promises. i don’t know. 

BETTER BELONGS TO YOU. DO NOT LET A SHITHEAD DICTATE WHAT IT SAYS.

boy, if you’re reading this, and it hurts, okay. now you almost know how it felt. i hope this helps you feel like you’re getting better. that you’re proof it gets better. because lord knows, we don’t need me to be the example for it to be true.

[antihatecoalition]

[antihatecoalition]

Reminder: Don’t let your brain bully you, sometimes our minds are cruel to us. You deserve to live, you deserve to eat, you deserve to express your feelings. People do like you! You’re doing a pretty good job, and you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.

[antihatecoalition]

self care for when you hit rock bottom

i fucking hate self care posts made by neurotypicals so here’s one from someone who Actually Gets It

-can’t shower or take a bath? me either. dry shampoo can make your hair look and feel cleaner, and baby wipes or makeup wipes work great to get the top layer of grime off your skin.

-can’t wash your sheets and make your bed? i feel you. push your blankets out of the way and shake the crumbs off your sheet. it will at least be a bit more comfortable.

-can’t even change out of your dirty pajamas? been there. hit yourself with some febreeze and a lint roller. if you can, brush your hair. if you can’t, hair ties and bobby pins are fantastic.

-can’t make anything to eat? same. if you can, there’s no shame in ordering food. in fact, it’s probably better you eat something rather than go hungry. if you can’t, try and find something that comes pre-made or takes minimal effort to make. at the very least, drink some water.

can’t respond to messages or reach out for help? yeah, i get that. set an alarm for a few hours from now and respond to any messages you need to once you’ve given yourself time to prepare. if they’re Important Messages that need Professional Responses, you can find fill-in-the-blank format rough drafts on google. as far as personal messages go, don’t feel bad for sending a mass “I’m sorry, I’m in a personal emergency right now. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” response to everyone.

-can’t even sleep because it’s so bad? asmr videos always knock me out, personally, but i also watch a lot of bob ross. just try to find something quiet and soothing to use as background noise and take your mind off it, or at least give you a more peaceful environment to think about it.

-can’t go for a walk/drive? try opening the blinds or curtains. you’re still exposing yourself to the outside world. baby steps. (i also play animal crossing or sims; it may be virtual but fuck it. i went on a walk.)

-can’t go into work/school? let people know. let your coworkers or classmates know it’s an emergency and you can’t make it. give yourself up to two days, but then you have to go back. ask to have your work emailed to you so you know what you missed.

-can’t brush your teeth and wash your face? makeup or baby wipes and gum or mouthwash. don’t let yourself physically rot bc you’re rotting emotionally.

-remember that you’ve been here before. if you survived then you can survive now. that’s what this is about- survival. you don’t have to be living your Best Life. right now, it’s more than enough that you’re alive.

[antihatecoalition]

reasons to be happy (very important)

- when you make hot chocolate and little chocolate powder capsules collect on the top - the little breathing sounds animals make when they sleep on you - when someone hugs you and they smell good - blanket nests when it is cold - the smell of new clothes - movie marathons - the feeling right as you’re about to open a present - that happy tired feeling when you finished all your work - when you wake up early and realize you get to sleep more - when teacher compliments you in class - fuzzy socks on hardwood floors - feeling like a boss ass bitch when you walk in high heels - lil baby animals - looking at the stars with someone - when you lean against a rock on a sunny day and your back is nice and warm - someday someone will like you back - there will be a weekend in the next seven days - all the random coincidences that lead to something amazing - hummingbirds exist - because i love you and believe in you

[antihatecoalition]

3 types of self soothing thoughts 

Validation: it’s ok that I hurt and want to feel better

Reassurance: I can handle this pain even though it hurts 

Perspective taking: I’ve had bad days like this before and I’ve made it through them. I can remember my better days and know I’m not always hurting this much 

[antihatecoalition]

How to Get Back Up Again

1. Don’t beat yourself. We all make mistakes, have bad experiences, and get it wrong at times.

2. Don’t dwell on what happened. Choose to learn from the past – but remember that your power’s in the present and the future.

3. Remember your potential, and what’s possible for you. You’re not that one experience or bad result.

4. Don’t let others’ expectations shape and influence your goals. It’s not their life you’re living … So decide what you will do.

5. Imagine how you’ll feel if you persevere and, despite all the obstacles, achieve success. That’s surely worth the effort, even thought it’s hard right now.

6. Just take one small step … It will rebuild your confidence … And then take another … And another after that.

[antihatecoalition]

I needed a little pick me up doodle before I go into this next coming week while simultaneously telling myself I don’t need to have everything in my life figured out right now.  Hopefully this motivational koala is helpful to some of you guys too.  

[antihatecoalition]

you are important

[antihatecoalition]