antisnookdog

[antisnookdog]

I made a humans are weird pamphlet

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[Welcome to Earth!]

Diplomatic Briefing Pamphlet: The Human Species

(For Official Use Only – Do Not Leave in Orbit)

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Species Designation: Homo sapiens

Common Names: Humans, Earthlings, Gremlins with God Complexes

Status: Emotionally volatile. Excessively curious. Terminally dramatic.

Threat Level: Vibes-based. Somehow both harmless and extremely dangerous.

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1. General Overview

Humans are a carbon-based bipedal species that developed intelligence, opposable thumbs, and the alarming tendency to either love or destroy everything they encounter.

They are fueled by caffeine, spite, and memes.

Despite their fragile physiology, humans are incredibly persistent. If an environment is considered “inhospitable,” a human will attempt to live there for fun or content.

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2. Cultural Duality

Humanity exists in a state of constant contradiction. Examples include:

Dark Side Wholesome Side

Warhammer 40k Stardew Valley

Doom Eternal Animal Crossing

Final Destination Pride and Prejudice

The Crusades Bake-Off Competitions

Exploiting labor via colonial empires Adopting stray animals and crying

They are simultaneously writing love poems and building orbital death platforms. Proceed accordingly.

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3. Violence (See Also: Sports)

Humans made rules about how to be less evil during war, then immediately violated them. These are called the Geneva Conventions.

They also made sports out of fighting each other for trophies, fame, or vibes.

Favorite pastimes include:

• Beating each other senseless in a cage

• Running at 40 km/h for fun

• Climbing lethal mountains

• Jumping out of flying machines

Note: They will say it’s “for the experience.”

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4. Denial Reflex

Even in the face of literal interstellar beings landing on their lawns, many humans will:

• Claim it’s CGI

• Blame the government

• Insist it’s demons

• Ask for merch

They evolved this reflex to avoid existential crises and somehow made it a cultural cornerstone.

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5. Reproduction & Romance (Warning: NSFW)

Human mating behavior is chaotic and often ritualized via elaborate apps, confusing signals, and courtship dances involving memes. They:

• Invented robots for companionship

• Wrote fanfiction about everything

• Made “tentacle romance” a genre

• Occasionally attempt to seduce supernatural entities

Proceed with caution and boundaries. Consent is important. They learned that… eventually.

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6. History (Not for the faint of core)

Earth’s timeline is packed with:

• Empires built on slavery

• Religious wars over metaphysical real estate

• Repeated cycles of “oops, genocide”

• Philosophers who were also warlords

• Burning witches. And books. Sometimes both.

They also recorded these events, dramatized them in film, and won awards.

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7. Interaction Tips

• If a human offers you food, accept it. Then ask if it’s poisonous. Sometimes it is. They eat it anyway.

• Avoid debates unless you have 6 hours to spare and a tolerance for shouting.

• They will name you. Prepare to be called “Steve” or “Gary.”

• Do not show fear. They can smell it.

• Show them a shiny rock and they might worship it or mine it. Possibly both.

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8. Warning List

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE:

• Mention their oceans. Even they don’t go down there anymore.

• Bring up Australia without mental prep.

• Assume they’re peaceful just because they’re smiling.

• Take them to space before explaining that aliens exist.

• Say “Warhammer is real.” Some believe it already.

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Final Summary:

Humans are unpredictable, violent, hilarious, empathetic, and incredibly weird.

They’ll destroy a planet for oil and then cry over a 2-minute animal rescue video.

They are terrifying and lovable, like if a raccoon had a PhD and nuclear codes.

We recommend extreme caution, cultural immersion, and bringing snacks.

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Issued by:

GCIR – Department of Chaotic Species Affairs

Document: Earth-001-HowToHuman (Rev. 2.0 – Updated after Florida Incident)

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[antisnookdog]

every time i listen to “you’re a mean one mr. grinch” i can’t help but sit there and think “what did the grinch do to hurt you?” because dude just stands there for 2 minutes and 58 seconds and drags the grinch into the dirt

[antisnookdog]

like to charge reblog to cast

🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

🕯️🕯️ may all 🕯️🕯️

🕯️🕯️corrupt politicians🕯️🕯️

🕯️🕯️ meet their fate 🕯️🕯️

🕯️🕯️ ‧͙☆༓happy ides༓☆‧͙🕯️🕯️

🕯️🕯️ to all 🕯️🕯️

🕯️ 🕯️ 🕯️

[antisnookdog]

[antisnookdog]

DENY

DEFEND

DEPOSE

Do you know what we did to the nazis Elon? We killed them.

[antisnookdog]

Honestly, same

[antisnookdog]

[antisnookdog]

You’re potential is the single greatest treasure you’ll ever find, so when they have you in shackles remember that they can never imprison your mind

[antisnookdog]

Lycanthropy and Vampirism are cause by bacteria and here's why

So you know how silver is toxic to bacteria and basically all micro organisms, and werewolves and vampires are deathly weak to silver. which mean that Vampirism and Lycanthropy are caused by bacterial micro organisms entering the body through open wounds which would explain why Werewolves and vampires are weak to silver

[antisnookdog]

Any one else think that there are just a bunch of muggle born who thought the the Hogwarts letter was just some sort of prank and just never showed up at Hogwarts because they just kept going on with their muggle lives? Or is that just me?