antleredventing
trying to get better
for my trauma and mommy issues
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On the positive side - I've been doing well keeping to my therapy homework of posting artwork every week, and I haven't even asked anyone if it's "good enough" before sharing!
#I mean#majority of it is stuff I haven't gotten around to posting on certain platforms#but we're getting there!
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One of my compulsions has been wanting to write all my experiences down to share to- idk, someone.
And it's absolutely reassurance. Even if I don't share it, it's still my own reassurance.
#ocd venting#I JUST#GOTTA STOP MYSELF BEFORE I START#or at least put it off even a little bit#this is for so-ocd
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fuck I was doing so well with so-ocd/rocd-- like, not perfect because I still struggle with some things but
I've just been falling back into compulsions lately and it's so bad it's like "haha what if you're wrong? what if this isn't ocd and you're in denial?? look at this evidence!"
#so-ocd#rocd#it's like I come across a conversation about attraction on a bad day#and my brain's like#“ooooo you should research!”#“just one google search!”#“look at one subreddit!”#then I end up losing hours and sanity#I gotta ask my therapist for some more help on exposures
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me, just last year: I'm so comfortable and happy being a bi acespec! Actually, huh. Haven't felt anything for women in a long time, even fictional ones. (shrug) Ah well, I'll just focus on my fiancé and fictional dudes!
me, months later, already a wreck tackling CSA from the past, hearing a story about someone saying they thought they were ace before learning they were lesbian:
WHAT IF THAT'S ME?? WHAT IF I'VE JUST BEEN REPRESSED???? IF I DON'T FIGURE THIS OUT NOW, WILL I TURN OUT LIKE MY ABUSER LATER??
now I deal with intrusive sexual thoughts. as an ace. yay.
so-ocd would be so funny if it weren't so distressing
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so-ocd would be so funny if it weren't so distressing
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A life of being the “good one” only to get abused and mistreated and abandoned is enough to drive you insane and make you have a deep well of anger that will never go away no matter how hard you try
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At least the groinals and intrusive thoughts aren't as bad as a couple months ago.
But fuck man.
Why we going from being comfortable being an ace bi, to "mwahaha you're actually a repressed lesbian and you gotta leave your fiance!!!!" ???
GOING THROUGH SO-OCD AND ROCD IS SUCH ASS
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GOING THROUGH SO-OCD AND ROCD IS SUCH ASS
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA
I can’t work because my brain is in trauma land and I have a lot of emotions after my therapy session and just
#I keep browsing online hoping for some dopamine#like my comfort rarepair that I'm really the only one who makes content for#but then just end up coming across things that make me more upset#c'mon brain#we've learned from this
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me, looking at my own behaviour: it's almost like... something bad had happened to me
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Me, whenever someone learns about my childhood and trauma:
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“maybe it wasn’t that bad”
#for me#whenever I think anything like this#(TAPS THE SIGN AGGRESSIVELY)#honestly had to stop there#tw// abuse
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No child deserves to feel like their existence is a burden.
No child deserves to feel like they shouldn't exist.
No child deserves to hate themself.
No child deserves to live their life in fear of angering their parents.
No child deserves to live their life in fear of disappointing their parents.
Children deserve to be loved. They deserve to feel safe, cared for, and wanted. They deserve to enjoy their life.
It is never the child's fault when the parent fails to provide these things. It is the parents fault.
The child never asked to be born. It is the parent who wanted this, and therefore it is the parent's responsibility.
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