anxietydialogue - Tumblr blog

[anxietydialogue]

27/5/2023 - 1.22am

This is so funny because yes, I do like S. And guess what? He likes me back. We're spending time together. We're speaking every single day. He's introducing me to his friends. Tonight he held my hands & we spoke about our idea of a perfect relationship & he even said the words "if we were together" & oh my god. I'm happy. I got in my car & I was giddy. And I'm so excited because I get to see him again in a couple of days & he invited me to a quiz night next week (we did a comic/fandom quiz night tonight & won!! 3 rounds top score & over all top score eheheh) & I'm gonna go & just!!! I like him & there's a chance, a real possibility that we'll date & I really want that.

Who am I!!!!!! I am giddy over a boooyyyyyyy ahaha

15/3/2021 - 5.55pm

Okay so first off, quick recap just incase my future self has no idea what the fuck I'm on about;

- Known(ish) S since 2015 when his sister decided we had so much in common and we should be together.

- This week, a tarot reader has said a King of Pentacles is waiting for me to be ready. A psychic asked me if I'm in a relationship and when I said no she went "hmm..." and seemed like she wasn't saying something. Another psychic said that before coming in, she'd seen me with a guy who plays games like Dungeons and Dragons with his friends and that we'd be together when I was ready.

- Earlier this year, I put out a tweet about wanting to play DnD and S replied saying I should.

- Last night I had a dream that me and S were together (possibly cheating on his girlfriend with me, yikes) and I was pregnant.

—————

Alright, so onto the present stuff.

Maybe it's just because this whole thing has gotten into my head... but I think I do like S. Hell, I think I've liked S for a while because I remember being sad when he got a girlfriend. I played it off as aw boo, now he's not just hanging around waiting for me anymore but that was stupid and fake. I didn't want him to be in a relationship with someone else and I still don't. I want him to be in a relationship with.

What the fuck ahahahaha. Jesus.

The funny thing is, his girlfriend seems perfectly nice from social media (because that's such a solid judge of character), but my brain is doing that dumb jealous thing where I see her and I pick at her. First thing I thought when I saw her picture? Her eyebrows are hideous. And look, to be fair, they really are. They're blocky and look ridiculous on her face. But I just dislike her and that's the only reason I can give???

Ironically, part of me is glad he's in this relationship, even if I want it to be over, because I've never wanted to be responsible for his firsts. He's been honest online about how he was a virgin/had never kissed anyone, and that always scared me because I have so many of my own issues that selfishly, I didn't want to have to take his firsts. I wanted him to have some experience so I wouldn't have to... I don't even know, help him through it? That sounds dumb when I say it, but yeah. At least now, he's kissed this girl and probably had sex with her, so maybe one day we'll end up together and we can do those things together without the pressure.

Or maybe he's not the one I'm meant to be with. Maybe I took too long and he'll never be interested in me. Maybe I missed my shot.

I don't know. But even if it's just on this secret blog? I like him. I like S.

[anxietydialogue]

26/5/2022 2.34pm

i don't know what's going on but i am filled with so much fucking anger right now. i can feel it weighing me down. everything is just pissing me off & i don't know how to get rid of it.

FUCK.

[anxietydialogue]

25/3/2022 - 10.54am

Hate that I can't even make a harmless joke w/o mum twisting it to make out like I'm some vindictive cunt. Like??? All I did today was make a joke about how if it was my car, did that mean I can at least not get squished in the back when we have heaps of other people in the car. Following it up with me & mum get dibs on the front seat (didn't even say I'd drive, mind you) & we could chuck dad in the back. Harmless! And yet now I'm the asshole who is ungrateful & has everything handed to me on a silver platter because I'm 26 & have been given two cars. Which I am fucking grateful for!!! I have told them I am grateful for it!!!!!!!!!

But like, you want to get vindictive? Then how the fuck is it that both times I've had a car accident, you benefit & I'm left to pick up the pieces? First time around, I get your old car & you fuck off with the insurance money. This time, you've decided that you should get the insurance money again & I can go get a car with my injury insurance money. Interesting!!

Honestly there's just too fucking much going on in my life right now, so dealing with her bullshit is not awesome!!!!

Also lmfao imagine mum ever apologising to me for the shit she does. Ahahah what a fucking joke, she would never! I legit cannot even remember her ever apologising to me & considering the fucked up stuff she's done to me, that's messed up.

[anxietydialogue]

22/3/2022 - 5.13pm

Spent my entire childhood & teenage years being too fucking scared of my mum to say no or do anything but what she told me to do, so now I'm 26 and getting told "you're not a fucking teenager" whenever I dare not be happy about her forcing me to do something, or heaven forbid, I choose not to do what she commands.

Literally fuck my life, I'm exhausted and sick of her treating me like shit whenever I'm not her faithful little puppet.

[anxietydialogue]

18/3/2022 - 1.00pm

Would be really fucking nice is mum didn't always just expect me to go out & serve customers bc she's always got the most important stuff to do. Like??? I actually have shit to do, how about fucking going out for once without just looking over at me & not bothering to go out yourself!!! Honestly just so fucking tired & frustrated.

[anxietydialogue]

24/1/2022 - 12.58am

Guess I found a new trigger. Reading a smut fic where one climbs on the guys lap while fucking, it's his first time in that position & he has to take his time to figure out the right angle so the other won't slip out. Threw me right back into that car with P & then my brain spiralled because it's so fucking close to being the same date as when it happened. About a week or so away. I feel fucking sick & alone & I just won't to tell someone so this weight isn't all over me & I feel like I can't breathe through it. This won't ever go away, will it? I'm stuck with this feeling forever.

[anxietydialogue]

3/12/2021 - 5.49pm

Because apparently this is the only place to safely express how I'm feeling & can't even talk to mum about it when we were supposedly on the same page... I don't want the fucking v*cc**e. (And yes I'm censoring it because I'm fully aware people come for people's throats when they say that and I don't need this blog showing up in any tags.) But the thing is, I've accepted that I'm getting it. When I choose to get it. I got round 1 after a discussion with mum where we were on equal footing & chose to get it. Then, once again after a conversation, we made the decision to wait till January, get it in the new year. I accepted that. I still don't want it, but I accepted it. But now she comes to work & haha surprise we got ours done & now you've got no choice but to get yours too! All fun & games as though it's some big joke & you know what? Yeah, I was fucking angry and I still am. You took my choice away from me & acted like it's no big deal. Made me out to be stupid & irrational for being angry. And completely disregarded a choice the two of us had made together as though my thoughts on the matter are irrelevant.

Well fuck you. I'll get it because you've given me no other option, but I sure hope I get sick as a fucking dog & then you can tell me how good a decision it was to get it done without sparing even a single thought for how it would impact me.

[anxietydialogue]

2/12/21 - 9.10am

There's such a common theme with my friends over the years. They're all people who love to play the victim & make me out to be some kind of asshole so they can reinforce their role. And I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm far from perfect. I have many a flaw & as with everyone ever, I have my toxic traits. But maybe my biggest, worst toxic trait is that I attract these victims & I allow them to stew in that role. I stick around no matter what they throw at me, so maybe the way I act makes it seem to them like it's okay to play the victim at my expense because I let them get away with it.

That's so shitty ahaha why can't I attract good people into my life for onnncccceeeeee

[anxietydialogue]

30/11/2021 - 4.18pm

God, I'm a fucking wreck today. Keep being on the verge of crying because I am so incredibly, pathetically, disgustingly lonely.

I think I'm obsessed with sex despite the fact I don't really want to have sex with anyone? I read it, I listen to it, I watch it, I fucking masturbate to porn (only the specific rough, humiliating deepthroating though, can barely get off to anything else unless I'm feeling particularly pathetic like the one time I got off to 2 people making out lmfao) but the idea of actually having sex myself makes me cringe. Fair to say I'm traumatised by the incident with P ahahah.

I actually got choked up about 10 mins ago because I was, of course, reading a porny fanfic and one character kissed the other's neck and I thought "I have never had my neck kissed by someone I actually wanted it done by" and then bam, fucking tears. It was pathetic. I don't even want anyone to touch me. Touch freaks me the fuck out. Sex freaks me the fuck out. I've... I don't know, aside from P obvs, I've gotten slight physical pleasure from the other 2 times? Actually no ahaha fuck. The one time. I have gotten physical pleasure from sex ONE TIME and that was when the guy went down on me and yet... I still couldn't get off. Because true to character, I couldn't get out of my head long enough to get into it properly and I just wanted to R U N asap. "You wanna go for another round?" Sweet fucking jesus no I just wanted to go home and be safe in my own bed but I ended up stuck cuddling the guy and being uncomfy. It's like, vaguely I want this stuff. I want to cuddle, hold hands, make out, touch and be touched, but put me in the situation where it actually starts happening and you can bet I'm panicking ready to bolt. Funnily enough, I was like that before P assaulted me. I legit can't even figure out if I'm worse or if this... maybe this is just who I am. Maybe I'm destined to long for things I mentally cannot even barely handle. Ahaha. Fuck.

I am so lonely. I don't even have friends. I lose everyone. Everyone leaves me. Fuck ahaha. I hate it. I really fucking hate how I feel right now. Hell, saying it like that makes it sound like this is a new feeling. I wish it was. Anyway. Fuck everything, I guess.

[anxietydialogue]

14/11/2021 - 10.54 am

So there was another "incident" in store with mum & a customer. This is the 2nd time this has happened where she says stuff that is completely out of line & it becomes a thing. But the worst part of this time? I have no fucking idea what happened & she won't actually tell me. All I know is little tid bits that she's said to a customer, not me. I tried to ask & she wouldn't even tell me because she's upset.

And look, I'm worried about her because she's upset, but I'm also pissed off that this keeps happening. All I know from this time is that she told a customer off for talking badly to her mother. Not!! Your fucking!!! Place!!!!! I mean, jesus fuck. You don't parent other people's kids. You fucking don't. Especially not when you represent this business which could so easily have its reputation destroyed if it gets out that you keep doing this.

I'm just... I don't even know. I just want to scream or smth.

[anxietydialogue]

27/8/2021 - 11.20 am

So I found out last night that someone I used to be friends with (used to because we lost touch, no bad ending just that we were friends through tumblr - Harley & Scarecrow.) committed suicide 5 years ago. The last post he ever made was his suicide note.

I told mum this morning because I needed someone to talk to about it, she kind of talked with me about and said some good things that were comforting but then it trailed off. I silently cried at my desk because it's fucking heartbreaking and I miss him. I've thought about him so many times over the years and even mentioned him to people because we had such a cool thing going with our friendship. We loved writing together and we'd talk out of character on our blogs, and he was even the first person I gave my personal blog too. Hell, he was my first friend through roleplay and the reason I stuck to it for so long on my Harley blog because I loved being there with him & his muse.

But today, after I'd cried and managed to hide it and get rid of the tears, mum turned to me and goes, "What's the matter with you?" I just..... so I say nothing because obviously she thinks its no big deal what I told her???? And she goes "You look funny."

Like, yeah you fucking insensitive bitch I've just silently cried to myself because someone I cared for killed himself and not only that, but I found out 5 fucking years after the fact! I'm not okay! I'm fucking heartbroken and maybe I just needed a fucking moment, but whatever.

I miss him.

[anxietydialogue]

25/10/21 - 2.42 pm

"I can tell you without a doubt that this shop will pull us apart because I'll stop holding my tongue."

"I'm always having to watch what I say to you so I don't upset you."

Get absolutely FUCKED.

[anxietydialogue]

15/10/21 - 6.13pm

Today the sexual assault topic came up in conversation with D & Mum. Mum said that I'm strong enough that she knows I'd never allow someone to hurt me, that I'd punch someone out if they tried to touch me. My karate background would come back to me. I'm her daughter. I wouldn't let it happen. I said I didn't know about that, she whole heartedly believes it wouldn't happen.

Pretty fucking heartbreaking trying to hold back tears/keep it off my face when I know I'm weak as fuck and my mum thinks better of me than I deserve.

[anxietydialogue]

21/9/21 - 4.36pm

D told me that a boy raped her friend recently. She said that the friend had said no because she wasn't ready, but the boy (her boyfriend, now ex as of earlier today) forced her into her bedroom & then raped her & she was too scared to keep saying no because she didn't know what he'd do.

It's hard enough hearing this about such a young girl, especially from my sister, but I guess it's triggered me because I know what it's like being forced to have sex when you don't want to because you're too scared of what will happen if you say no. Now she's too scared to tell her mum because she can't help thinking her mum is just going to be angry she had sex and she's already blaming herself for "letting it happen" as it is. And I get that too. I get how fucking hard it is to feel like your mum isn't going to take it well when you already feel like it was your fault. I just feel for this girl; I don't even know her but I just want to do something to help her, or even just hug her tight and tell her I know how she's feeling, that it's not her fault because I want her to be okay. I don't want her to be like me. Keeping it a secret & thinking I'm okay til suddenly I'm triggered into realising I'm not.

On a lighter, ironic note? I opened Spotify in my car after dropping M off today & the last played song was called It's Not Your Fault. I appreciate that reminder, Universe.

[anxietydialogue]

20/9/21 10.59pm

I'm just so fucking sad lmfao.

[anxietydialogue]

22/8/21 - 1.54pm

I love how rude mum is about her desk. Love it! I have spent all morning at work on my own, trying to get stock weighed/measured etc & in she comes with her petty comments all "so am I going to get my desk back?" just because I don't just drop what I'm doing to give the boss (because we all know she thinks she's the fucking boss of this business until it's convenient to act like she isn't.) back her seat despite the fact I'm in the middle of something.

She's just so fucking disrespectful of me? I literally cannot do things without her taking charge, regardless of what it is. I'm not mad she wasn't here this morning. She had to look after the doggo and I get that. I'm just pissed that I try and do something and she acts as though it's unimportant, just get the fuck off her desk.

[anxietydialogue]

13/6/2021 9.28am

I don't know why people think I'll ever be able to communicate how I'm feeling or what I want when I've spent my entire life being broken down and not allowed to do either of these things.

"You haven't spoken to me so I figured you don't care."

No, I haven't spoken to you this morning because I'm scared of you. I tried speaking to you last night and you just made me feel like shit, so I gave you space. I stood in my room freaking out because I was scared that if I went to your room, you'd treat me like shit again and make me feel horrible. And guess what? That's exactly what you did. You made me out to be the worst person, the worst daughter, like you'd never done anything wrong ever. I'd question whether you know how you make me feel, but I think we both know you have no fucking clue.

Are you pissed I didn't say goodnight to you last night? Because that's fucked if you are considering you very pointedly made it clear you didn't want me coming to you when I stood up & you instantly turned off your TV. Subtle!

And it's the fact you remind me that I wouldn't have anything without you. Bullshit. I would've just got a job and maybe I would've done something like this. Maybe I wouldn't have too, but I wouldn't have nothing. The fact that you think that, and worse, say that to me? You're cruel.

She just breaks me down constantly and people wonder why I stonewall at the first sign of confrontation. It's because I'm scared. I'm always fucking scared because I'm unbelievably weak emotionally. All this because I've spent my life being conditioned to roll over and submit.

Is it really any wonder I'm depressed and deal with anxiety constantly? Ahahahaha.