apiar-ist

[apiar-ist]

6/21/25, 3:52am

I had a dream. It was nice but also so very terrifying to me.

We had a house, it was a small brick house with a wraparound porch — the ones he likes. He was inside doing the dishes after dinner and I was sitting on the porch with my guitar. I was playing some melody, it’s the same one I keep hearing in all my dreams. I can never recreate it, I always mess it up.

The sun was setting, it was golden hour. He came out and sat with me while I played. We just sat there, watching the sun disappear and the fireflies start to come out. It was peaceful, but it felt like there was a weight, there was something we weren’t talking about. I kept messing up the melody at the end, it was the same spot every time. He would laugh lightly every time. He acted like nothing was wrong, but something was wrong. I couldn’t tell what.

We fell asleep on the couch watching some movie neither of us liked, something random we found on the TV. I didn’t wake up. I could see my own body laying there and I wasn’t able to move it. When he got up in the morning, he made breakfast and tried to wake me. I didn’t move, and then he just smiled and walked out the door like nothing happened. I watched it happen. He left the breakfast on the coffee table, and it was left untouched.

I always have dreams of myself dying. They’re always so simple. I think what scared me is that in this one, I don’t know why I would have died. Usually it’s my fault when I die in dreams. I always don’t run fast enough, or I don’t pay attention, or I just do it myself. I always watch what happens to my body. I don’t get to wake up until I find out what happens to me.

I don’t know why it scared me. I died happy in this one. I had everything I wanted in this one

[apiar-ist]

6/11/25, 1:40am

I juggle content between being content with where I’m at and hating every aspect of it. I feel like I deserve this. I messed up, too. With my mom, with Rose, with Gwen, with Jacob. I messed them up just as much as they did me. My mother didn’t want me, Lee was better to her than a worthless child. Rose seeked something more than I could’ve given her. Gwen just wanted what was best for me, even if she didn’t know it was tearing me apart. Jacob was hurt by my decisions, I should have acted more than I did.

At the same time, if it hadn’t been for my mistakes then I wouldn’t know as much as I do now, I wouldn’t have what I have now. I have a friends who I wouldn’t trade for the world, I hold them close to me because I now know how much they’re worth. Gabby, especially, is basically just my little sister. She’s laying asleep beside me right now — she’s been at my house more than her own this summer. I have a man in my life who never fails to make me feel loved despite my own issues. He tries is hardest, because he understands the things I go through. He understands how my brain is wired. It’s comforting to have someone who knows. I have my dad, the only constant. He never fails to make me laugh and give me the best advice.

I was going to end it in March. I wasn’t thinking straight. My dad told me something that stuck with me, back then. He said I fell, I was drowning. I was out of strength to swim, so him, Nate, and Gabby dove in after me. They pushed me back up, and they made sure I didn’t jump back in until I was ready.

I like that metaphor. It describes how I felt. The end of February and most of March was a blur. I went through each day full of grief and anxiety. It wasn’t just the breakup, it was the fact that he was the last constant outside of my family that I had. He was there the longest — longer than Gwen, longer than Rose. 3rd to 11th grade. That’s about 8 years, 3 of which we dated. When I realized what we gave up on, I realized it was more than the relationship. We, no I, gave up on a future with a constant, and even though I knew that future would have been a miserable one, it still hurt at the time. I wanted to see him hurting as much as I was, so I pushed myself deeper into the waters I treaded, I didn’t fall, I jumped. I knew I was destroying myself, but I wanted him to see how much he meant to me.

It doesn’t mean anything to me anymore, I think that’s what’s bothering me so much. I’m trying so hard to care about something because it was a constant. I was conditioned to care about his every action out of the anxiety that he would fuck another girl. I convinced myself I wasn’t enough, that I would never BE enough, so I swam deeper. I told myself how little I mattered, and soon it wasn’t just about him — it was about everyone.

That’s why it destroyed me. Every significant person who left my life hit me again all at once. I gave my all to him, so there was nothing holding me back when he left.

Now that there’s new things in my life, it’s difficult to navigate them. I’m still riddled with the anxiety that everyone will leave, but it’s also about navigating that I have to come to terms with that. There IS no constant. There was never a constant. That’s the thing about life, it’s always changing. There will always be something new to tackle.

Right now I’ve been really hyper-focused on drum majoring. It’s something I enjoy and something that will be just for me this year. It’ll be my time to learn more about something I’m passionate about. I get to be a leader, I get to have something that’s mine, I get to have people who rely on me. My favorite part, though, is that those two have to look up at me for two weeks straight and decide if they hate me or themselves for what conspired.

Other than that, though, I get a salute. I get to make it up, and it will be passed down to the drum majors after me. Hopefully, I’ll get my cape and mace too.

I’m excited for that. It’s not a constant, but it is something that brings me joy. I get to be like my dad on that podium. I get to be something I always wanted to be.

[apiar-ist]

6/9/25, 11:44pm

I feel like I’m stuck in a loop. I wake up feeling nothing and do what I have to do for the day. I try to keep myself busy. If I’m hanging out with people it’s easier to distract from it. I feel alive with other people, it’s easy to copy how they’re feeling and make myself feel the same. The minute that I get home for the day I start to feel it. It feels like dread. I dread being alone, I dread feeling my thoughts and emotions.

These people will leave eventually. No one will stay forever. Nate and Gabby will find someone better to replace me one day. My father will die one day. I spend so much time relying on others for my happiness. I wish I wasn’t as social as I am sometimes, I wish I didn’t need others to feel like I’m doing something good with my life.

It’s not gonna last. The last thing didn’t last. I started this year with around 15 friends and ended with 3. One day, those 3 will leave. One day it’ll just be me, and I better get used to that now before it happens.

I don’t know why I think so much about it all. My future might be the best or worst thing to ever happen to me. Dad says I have good things coming my way, but what if I don’t? What if I stay like this forever, despite how much I’m trying to change? I thought I was better after everything that went down in February, but I feel myself falling into similar patterns and circumstances. I don’t wanna hurt Nate like I hurt Jacob. I don’t wanna hurt anybody, but that seems to be all I do.

I feel like all I do is bring pain to others. He doesn’t see it now but he will soon. It’s the one thing I’m consistently good at. July will come, and we’ll see if he gets tired of waiting. Everyone gets tired of waiting eventually. Will this last? I bring chaos with me, it follows me wherever I go. Will he want to keep that in his life?

And Gabby, god it feels like we’re growing apart. I don’t even know what to do about that. I’m trying so hard to both hang out with her as much as I can while also giving her the space she needs. I don’t wanna overwhelm her with my life, she has enough going on. I don’t know what to do.

I wish all of this was simpler. Life has to fall apart sometimes to become what you want it to be, or at least that’s what dad tells me. His life fell apart so many times before he got to where he wanted, and he’s about to destroy it again for something else. I wish I was that strong, strong enough to willingly destroy something for hopes of something better. That strength is only found in people like him. Immigrants, who came with nothing back the clothes on his back and two half-empty bags. I wish I had his drive, his motivation, but instead I got the insanity and selfishness of my mother.

That’s another thing. I feel so selfish for what I chose to do after February. I clawed my way back up from the pit I was in and I chose not to make amends, but to take exactly what I wanted and hoard it. I chose to be bitter, I chose to be angry. Am I even allowed to be angry? It was my fault too — for both of them. I hurt Jacob just as much as he hurt me, and Gwen, well honestly I feel like I could’ve handled that much better than I did. I’m choosing to keep my rage here, instead of letting it go. I think it’s because if I let go of that anger, then I let go of what once was. I don’t want that yet. Part of me still hopes for the Trashy Trio reunion, even though we all have went out separate ways now. Rose is in Maryland doing the best she has ever done, Jacob is slowly turning into his father, and I’m doing what I need to do to not fall under again.

I yearn for those days again. Those days when the three of us were still so little. We were all so cocky, we had no idea what lied ahead but we had each other and that’s what mattered. Is that wrong to want back? I feel like now, if the three of us got together and talked everything out, it still would never be the same. It was like that because we were kids. When Rose left, me and Jacob based our relationship off of our initial friendship. I think that was the first red flag — we hated each other, honestly. Or at least, I hated him. I had a lot of hate for everyone back then though. I was mad at the world for taking Rose from me. I think I’ve always kind of hated him, deep down. I always knew it wasn’t gonna work, I hated that I knew I was wasting my time.

I feel as if I have learned both everything and nothing. My feelings on these things don’t even matter in the long run, just as they didn’t when Rose left. It doesn’t matter how long someone stays in your life for, everyone leaves. I feel like that’s the biggest thing I’ve learned. Everyone is gonna leave, no matter how much they promise they won’t.

I don’t think it matters how much he promises me he’s gonna stay by my side, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to believe it. People have been leaving my entire life. It stems from my mother. I’m sorry I can’t believe you when you say it. I love you, I swear I do, but I have this like, built-in protection thingy in my brain. You’re foreign to me. Every time I think I can predict you, you prove me wrong, and it scares me. It’s also exhilarating. Is that okay? He’s going to leave, I’m kidding myself. As soon as he starts college it’s over. I counted the days today, we have a little more than two weeks left to hang out before he starts college if you’re factoring in how long I’ll be gone for, and that’s not even counting the days he works. I’m kidding myself.

Love them while they’re here. Everyone’s gonna leave, everyone’s gotta die. It’s not worth it to think too hard about it, even though I’m thinking way too hard about it.

[apiar-ist]

6/7/25, 10:56pm

I can’t do this I can’t do everything all at once. I don’t have any fucking time. I’m leaving soon and I’m gonna leave everyone behind again for something I don’t even wanna go do. I’m gonna be so alone there, alone with my thoughts and alone with every reminder that I’m not good enough. I can’t do it again. I’m can’t fucking do this.

I don’t wanna go to my mom’s. Every time I go I’m reminded of how I wasn’t good enough for her, about how her new family is so much better than I could’ve ever been for her. I hate her for leaving, I hate that I miss her. I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate that she threatened lawyers anytime I try to shorten the dates. I can’t go and I know that I have to. I don’t have a choice, I’m not 18 yet. Dad says I do but the papers say different. He says our lawyer is good but mom is so manipulative, she’d find a way to make the judge give her more time.

She makes me go and then doesn’t even spend time with me. She makes me go and then makes me see what I could’ve had. She makes me go just to sit in a house by myself for 12 hours straight Monday to Friday. I can’t do it. I got so depressed last time.

Why does she hate me so much? She would’ve do this if she loved me. If she loved me, she would have stayed. If she loved me, she wouldn’t do this shit to me again.

I miss my mom. I miss Mama.

[apiar-ist]

6/6/25, 10:34pm

Everyone’s gonna die at some point, what difference does it make if it’s now or later?

I’ll probably live long enough to see my father die, and I’ll have to spread his ashes. I haven’t decided where yet. Not in Pennsylvania, he hates it here. I always thought Ocean City would be good, he loves the beach and we used to go on vacation there. Maybe on the shores of Lima, but would he want to be returned to the city he was raised in?

I want to be cremated too, when I die. I don’t care if people keep or spread me, but if my ashes are spread, I want it to be where my fathers will be. I want to be with him. I love my dad.

Everyone’s gonna leave, everyone’s gotta die. What difference does it really make? Communities aren’t affected if they don’t want you there in the first place. Everyone’s gotta die.

When I die, I don’t want people to cry. Instead, I want them to celebrate the life I lived, the things i accomplished and achieved. I’ve done some damn good things.

I want somebody to have my instruments. If I die before my dad, he can have my guitar, but if not I’ll probably want it to go to Nate or Gabby. Maybe one of them can take the acoustic and the other can take the electric. I want people to continue to play the instruments I loved so much, that guitar will probably turn into a family heirloom or something. If I ever have children I might give them my guitar when I die. I love that guitar.

I named her Monarch, I don’t think many people know the acoustic has a name. The electric’s name is Estelle. I named her after someone, but also something — stelledore and the stars in the midnight sky. Sometimes I remember the weight that name held, sometimes I miss it. She is a good person, but sometimes the hardest decisions are the right ones to make. Estelle’s paint has glitter embedded in it and it glistens like starts. Monarch is stained like the color of the wings on a monarch butterfly. I named her after Rose, because she always reminded me of butterflies. Her name is floral, so wouldn’t it make sense? I don’t know, I’m not changing their names. They held meaning once.

I named Jacob’s guitar, too. Andromeda. I bought that guitar and painted that damn guitar case. I was so stupid. Everyone’s gonna leave, everyone’s gotta die.

Is this gonna be different? I feel like every time I get really really close with someone, THIS close with someone, they leave. Will he leave too? How long do I have? Sometimes you just gotta make the most of an experience while you’re still in it, that’s what I keep telling myself. It’s hard to trust that someone will stay when everyone else didn’t give a damn to. Will he be different?

I catch myself getting excited sometimes. I think about the future, not far into it, but enough to get me excited for events that may happen. I imagine him watching me conduct at the first game of the year, and kissing me when I get off the field during senior night. I imagine us getting an apartment when I graduate and move to Indiana for college. I imagine us getting a cat — a stray we found on the street. I imagine us dancing in the kitchen while I cook Peruvian food for him. Will this last that long? I think he might just get tired of me and my issues. I have far too many issues.

When I die, I want him to know he kept me living for longer. I could have died there, but I didn’t, and it was because of people like him, people like Gabby and my dad. We need more people like that in this world, people who put in the effort to make people like me feel loved, even when we don’t really deserve that love. I don’t deserve any of this love, I’ve done some awful things.

It’s here. I can’t delay it anymore than I already have. Fuck it, we ball (is that what they say?), if I’m living for anything, at least it’s this. I have my music, and I have my people. Just gotta keep on living and it’ll all be good in the end.

[apiar-ist]

6/2/25, 1:40am

There’s always going to be more work to do, and that’s okay. Not everything is gonna be fixed. The people around me still have some things to work out and hell, so do I.

I can feel myself slipping into a depressive episode and I’m trying everything not to let it happen. I was fine for a while, I was actually doing really good. I think for the past month or so I’ve been borderline manic. I’ve been so happy that I’ve been stupid. Now that reality has caught up with me, I think my mind is spiraling.

I really need to get meds. This isn’t normal. I’m trying everything not to let it happen but I know nothings gonna stop it. I’m happy that I can tell when it’s happening now, though.

That’s another thing. I feel like I’m emotionally intelligent, I just don’t really know how to apply it. I’m self-aware, I know exactly why I’m the way that I am, but I think a part of me doesn’t want to get better. I think a part of me finds comfort when I let myself fall again — it’s easier to mask it, and it’s easier to let it happen than to scratch and crawl my way out every time it happens.

There’s really nothing I can do to prevent it now, it’s going to happen and I’m just gonna have to let it happen. I can’t expect to lean on people forever. I have to be able to help myself, too. I have to do these things myself. No one who I’ve kept around deserves to share that pain.

And when the nightmares come back, because I know they’re going to, I’m gonna be okay. I’m gonna be able to handle it by myself because I have to learn how to do this myself. I can’t lean on them forever, no one stays forever. No one is permanent. I feel like that’s a common pattern. You just have to learn how to enjoy their presence while they’re around. You can’t think about them leaving, you can’t think about it too hard. You just have to be — you have to live in the moment this precious life has given you.

And I have to continue believing that this life is precious, because I have these precious people around me and they don’t deserve to see me fall again. They won’t know. I think I’m good enough at not making it obvious. I’ll be okay. Reassurance is something Alison taught me, she was a good therapist. I need therapy again. I need medication.

I wish I wasn’t like this, but who really wants normalcy? At least with this, the happy moments mean more.

I love every experience my life has given me. I love every person who has given me a lesson. It’s worth it. Everything is worth it.

[apiar-ist]

Please, if you can, take the time to help out Mosab by sharing his story! Everything helps <3

💬 Just a Small Update, and a Big Thank You

Dear friends, kind hearts, and everyone who has stood with us,

When I first opened my heart to the world and shared our story, I never imagined the amount of love and solidarity we would receive. Thanks to your incredible support, we’ve now reached $12,837—a milestone that brings real light to some very dark days.

From the deepest corners of my heart, thank you.

💔 A Journey of Loss, but Also of Strength

As many of you know, I’ve lost 25 of my loved ones during this devastating war. That grief lives with me every single day. It’s in the silence that once held laughter, in the empty spaces where we once gathered as a family.

But through your help, I’ve also felt something else: hope. And that hope is priceless.

“21/Oct/2023 Before It Reached Us: The Day Our Neighbor’s House Was Destroyed” A quiet moment of fear, filmed just before everything changed.

“22/Oct/2023 The Morning After: Our Family Home in Ruins” This is what was left behind after the bombing of our home.

🌿 What Life Looks Like for Us Now

Despite everything, we’re still here. Still surviving. Still hoping.

But things have only gotten harder.

The war has returned, more brutal than before—and for over a month now, Gaza has been completely sealed off. No food is coming in. No medical supplies. No aid. No trade. No one is allowed to leave, and no one is allowed to enter.

We’re trapped.

🏚 We live with the fear of tomorrow, every single day. Airstrikes, drones, and the uncertainty of what might happen next. 👨‍👩‍👧 Our family is forever changed—we haven’t just lost people; we’ve lost pieces of ourselves. 📉 Basic needs go unmet—even clean water feels like a luxury now. Medicines, if they exist at all, are unreachable.

And yet…

Your support reminds us that we’re not forgotten. It reminds us that someone, somewhere, is still listening. That someone still cares. That we’re not completely alone in this.

Every message. Every share. Every dollar. It tells us: You’re walking this road with us. And that gives us the strength to keep going.

💖 What You Can Do

If you’ve already donated—thank you beyond words. If you can share our story again, it could reach someone who can help.

Even $5 means warmth, comfort, and a chance to breathe a little easier.

✨ Why It All Matters

This isn’t just about reaching a fundraising goal. It’s about surviving war with dignity. It’s about believing in tomorrow. It’s about making sure my daughter grows up knowing that the world did not look away.

Thank you for your kindness, patience, and belief in our humanity. You’ve helped me find my voice—and I will use it to keep hope alive.

🙏 From the Heart: A Quiet Apology

There’s something I need to say—something that’s been on my heart for some time.

When I first began sharing our story, I didn’t know what the right way was. I was scared, grieving, and trying to protect my family in any way I could. I reached out to many people, hoping someone, anyone, would see us. In that process, I now realize I may have overstepped, and I might have made some feel overwhelmed.

If that happened, I am truly sorry.

Please believe me when I say it was never out of disregard or pushiness. It came from a place of fear—fear of being forgotten, fear of not being able to keep my family safe, fear of watching everything I love slip away in silence.

I’m learning as I go. I’ve slowed down. I’m more mindful now, trying to share our journey in a way that feels respectful of the space and hearts of those listening.

If my words ever came at the wrong time, or in the wrong way, I hope you can understand where they came from—and I hope you can forgive me.

Thank you for seeing past my mistakes. Thank you for still being here. It means more than I can ever explain.

With love and endless gratitude, Mosab and family ♥️

[apiar-ist]

Not really an update post, but for those interested, I’m completely scrapping yellow charged and reusing some of the characters for a new work :3

[apiar-ist]

5/14/25, 1:39pm

Healing doesn’t bring you back to what you once were, it makes you into a completely new person. I am not the same person I was in January. I’m calmer, smarter, I’m happier. I’m something different that what I was.

That’s the nice thing about all of this. Sigal, now, has no clue who I am, not that he ever did. My favorite color is pink, my favorite food is the quesabirria tacos from Cony’s Kitchen, my favorite flowers are pink carnations, my favorite person is my father. I love my life now, that’s a big one. I love the people I have around me. I feel like I’m kinder, softer than I used to be.

I don’t hate anyone in my life. Aideen, Sigal, my mom, I don’t hate any of them. Those three are complex people. They did some bad things, but I know they tried their best (maybe not my mom, but whatever). I hope they get far in life, I know Aideen will, at least. They’re gonna go far, sometimes I wish I would be around to see that happen but I think I did the right thing.

Sigal will never know who I am now. He will never know my favorite flower or which shirt I go for first in my rotation. I will be this new person without the presence of him, no matter how much he stalks my Instagram page (it’s been two weeks, lay off it).

Nate, though, he will know everything about me, and I love that. I love him. He already has done so much. He’s such a beautiful person, inside and out. I’m dating one of my best friends now. We could talk for hours about anything, or sit in pure silence, and I would still find comfort in it.

I’m happier now than I used to be, but I’m also so much different. That’s what healing is. That’s what it’s about. I’m so happy to have had those experiences, those people in my life, because they taught me so many lessons. I don’t have all of the answers, and I don’t have to. I’m content with where I’m at. I’ll keep learning, keep growing, and I’ll become something great just like my dad.

I’m gonna be something great.

[apiar-ist]

5/4/25, 3:54pm

I have a little bit of a dilemma, about Aideen.

We ended up in the same friend group again after everything happened, and we came up with an agreement that we each have separate days to sit at the lunch table. Personally, I think that we can coexist just fine with ignoring each other, but whatever.

The thing is that on my days, I usually try to stay in the art room since I have nowhere else to go, but recently the art teacher had been getting mad at people hanging out in her room and I don’t wanna piss her off. I’ve been going to sit at the lunch table on my off days and asking Aideen if it’s okay, but I know I’m pissing her off too. The band room is closed that period and the only other choice for me is overflow, and I don’t wanna sit in there since I could get in trouble.

There’s no other table for me to sit at on my off days, and Nate says I should just sit at the table with them and ignore the agreement, but I feel like that’s rude. I want to be able to coexist with her, but i understand that my presence makes her uncomfortable. I don’t really know how to go about all of this without it seeming like I came up with that agreement for nothing.

I don’t want her to think I’m trying to ruin her life, because that’s what I’ve been told she thinks. I honestly could not care less, and I wish the best to her, I just want to be able to have a place to go for lunch without anyone being pissed at me. My friends are her friend and her’s are mine, but that doesn’t mean we have to be friends. We can be civil. I’m fine with being civil. I don’t have any ill-intentions.

I can’t wait until the school year ends and I can be free from this bullshit. Everyone thinks I’m some kind of evil mastermind. I just wanna be happy, man. I’m trying to protect my peace and keep my happiness. Is that so much to ask?

[apiar-ist]

4/25/25, 2:13am

I kind of forgot this blog existed for a bit, so much has happened!!

First off, I told my parents about Nate. They’re very happy for me. They’ve always liked him and they know he’s a good guy. They already trust him, which I’m also happy about.

I went out to dinner with him and his family for his birthday. I gave him a huayruro necklace and one of the red bracelets. I swear he almost cried. I love seeing him smile.

Prom is in two weeks. My mom said she was gonna come up and visit that weekend, but I don’t really think she will. The thought of her attending my recital, though, gets my hopes up. I have mixed feelings about her. I miss her, but I can’t decide if I want her there either.

We had Beetlejuice practice again today and I had to interact with Aideen for the first time in a bit. Weird stuff. She had this look in her eye during the one scene where she pushes me off stage, like visceral hate. Like, girl, what the hell did I do??? I re-read that paragraph, I gave you your reasons, stop lying to yourself my ass did NOTHING wrong ugh. Her aunt was death glaring me the entire time too. Idk I’m over it, I don’t wanna deal with her, it’s more hassle than it’s worth.

I’m excited for prom. Me, Nate, Milo, and Gabby are planning this sleepover for after. We’re all gonna hang out and try to pull an all nighter. We’re gonna celebrate Milo making it to Nationals for FBLA! It’s gonna be awesome. I love my friends, I love my boyfriend!

I’m happy, overall. Things are going well. I’ll update if anything cool happens lol.

[apiar-ist]

4/18/25, 7:41pm

It’s the first really nice day of the year. 75° out, sun is shining, very few clouds in the sky. It’s spring!

I love spring, even though my allergies are really bad. I love watching the world come back to life over the season. I love how it restores itself for summer, how everyone starts to leave their houses more. It’s therapeutic to watch.

My favorite part, though, is watching the cherry blossom tree in Rose’s back yard come back to life, because on the first nice day of the season, the flower petals blow into my yard.

That was her tree. She loved that tree. We used to sit under it for hours and just talk about everything. It’s nostalgic to see it bloom again. Mark’s kids love it now, but I’m sure if Rose still lived here, we would have picked some flowers today.

I’m over her, I mean obviously, right? I’ve been over her for years now, but it’s nostalgic to think back on the past. I still remember that tree, our summer trampoline conversations, writing our names into the wood at the park. Singing songs from Hamilton until our voices were sore. Childhood love is so innocent, so precious. It’s nice to reminisce sometimes.

I miss her a lot, just as a friend. I miss talking to her, I miss having her around. She made things easier.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she stayed, but I’m still happy with how everything played out. Thank you, Rose, for the opportunities and kindness that you gave me.

[apiar-ist]

4/14/25, 7:55am

I got my prom dress yesterday. It’s black with a ball gown silhouette. I never got to wear black to a dance before, I look nice in black.

It has flowers around the bodice and a semi-see-through corset. It makes me feel like a princess. I’m gonna put a blue petticoat underneath to match the color of the people in my group. Me, Eros (I mean, I guess I can call him Nate, right? I don’t think it matters lol), Gabs, Milo, and Cierra. Technically, Nate and Cierra are going together as friends, but it won’t stop me from dancing with him, or kissing him. She may be his date but I’m his girlfriend.

I’ve felt so happy recently. Everything that’s been going on has been absolutely crazy, but in a wonderful way. I don’t really know what’s gonna happen by the end of this school year, but I feel like I’m going to be okay.

Sigal seems to have moved on too, which I’m happy about. I saw one of his “just friends” wearing his hoodie on Friday. She looked happy. I hope he can keep it that way. I hope he doesn’t cheat on her, too. She deserves better.

Everything, on my end, is working out. I feel so much happier. I mean, who knew worrying if your boyfriend was cheating every single moment of your life makes you depressed and anxious? Who knew feeling lesser than video games and weed has an effect on your mental health? Apparently, I sure didn’t!

I don’t care much now, it’s just fun to joke about. I wasted so much of my life waiting on him to be better, to change for me, instead of looking for someone who actually loves and values me.

Nate calls me pretty every day, gushes over how much he loves me. He makes me feel loved in a way that isn’t demanding of my body, he loves me in a way thats kind, genuine. I love him the same. I’ve waited for this love, this kind of innocent and sweet kind. The kind where I can go to homecoming and not be expected to dance with lust, the kind where I don’t feel like I have to give my body to make someone stay loyal.

And even if Sigal never said I had to do those things, his actions made it feel that way. It wasn’t my fault. None of it was my fault. He cheated, he didn’t value me. I deserved better than him, and I fucking got it. I got it because I’m a good person, because I put effort into my love and effort into my relationships, my life. I know what I want.

I love Nate. I have loved before him, yes, but I love him now. He loves me the same, he loves me without expectation, without obligation. With the innocence of a newborn deer. That’s what I’ve always wanted. Love without lust. Love without feeling hunted.

I am happy. That’s what I wanted. I am so fucking happy.

[apiar-ist]

4/12/25, 3:01pm

I could never fathom how people are rude to their parents. I mean I get it if they’re abusive, but people whose parents are actually good people. My parents are amazing. I love both of them so much. I could never even imagine myself being rude to them.

I mean, of course, I’m a teenager. I do stupid shit, I say stupid things, but I could never imagine having screaming matches when I disagree with them, or calling my parents names. I love them too much for that.

I always have to tell them that I love them when I leave the room. It’s sort of an anxiety thing. You hear all these stories of people saying how they never told their parents they loved them before they died, I think that’s horrible. If they ever die, I want them to go knowing that I love them and knowing that they had a good daughter.

I think they think it’s funny that I always say “I love you” before I leave the room. I can hear them giggling sometimes. I just can’t NOT say it. I need them to know that they are loved. I feel like sometimes people forget that parents have struggles, too. They need to know they are loved just as much as they love us.

Dad, Missy, and even mom, I love you. I love you guys so much. Thank you for the life you’ve provided me.

3:07

Oh!! I also forgot to mention that I gave Eros the bear!!! He loves it and we’re now saying “I love you” to each other.

I’m so happy with his man. I can’t believe I get to call him mine.

[apiar-ist]

4/9/25, 1:10am

I never understood FBLA until I did it. Their drive, their ambition, it’s to chase that feeling that you get on that stage. You work your ass off for that reward, no matter how small of a fragment of time it is. It’s amazing.

These people are making differences. They’re changing lives. This program is extraordinary. I’m glad I got to call myself a part of it this year.

I didn’t make nationals, and honestly I don’t really care. I wasn’t expecting to after my interview today. I knew I wasn’t gonna make it the minute I woke up — I wasn’t focused. I didn’t mind. I cried my eyes out when Milo and Adalynn got 2nd, and I cried even more when I realized I placed. I got 9th in the state, and I’d say that’s pretty damn good.

I miss Eros sooooo goddamn much. It’s not even funny. I want to tell him “I love you” so bad. I got him a build a bear with one of those voice thingies in it, it’s my voice saying it. I’m gonna give it to him for his birthday. I think he’ll love it.

I’m content with my life. I’m happy with how things turned out. I think everything’s fine again. I’m proud of myself, I’m proud of my future. I’m ready to see what’s coming.

[apiar-ist]

4/4/25, 10:08pm

I just realized that my original trio has officially all gone out separate ways.

Olive is in Maryland, living an amazing life of her own. She’s happy, she’s gonna become a chef — something she grew to love when we were still 12. She’s going to be amazing, I just know it.

Sigal is doing fuck knows what with fuck knows who, honestly I don’t even care at this point.

And me, I’m happy. I’m actually just really really happy. Me and Eros are doing well, even if it’s only been a few days. I’m going on that fuckass FBLA trip in two days and it’s the weekend so I won’t see him until Thursday. I’m really sad about that. I’m gonna miss him.

I know what my future holds as of right now. I’m going to IUP to major in psychology and minor in music Ed. I’m not going because my friends are, I’m going because it’s the cheapest school where i genuinely think I’ll be happy at. PSU was my first choice, but sometimes things don’t work out how you want them to. I’m happy with IUP. I’m gonna love it there.

I’m gonna become a music therapist, it’s something I love and it makes so much money. I get to help people while also playing the instruments I love. I get to make a difference like I’ve always wanted.

Hopefully, Gabby and Eros will stay by my side throughout my endeavors. Everything will be okay. I’m going to make a difference. I’m going to become someone I’m proud to be.

I’m happy, genuinely happy, and it’s not because I found love again, or because I know what my future holds now, it’s because I love myself. I love who I am and who I’m becoming. I feel secure in that.

Sigal may have destroyed me, but he also gave me the opportunity to build myself back up. I should have never dated that man. He cheated on me several times, he loved his games and weed more than me, he never tried to work on himself, he always smelled like BO and maple syrup. He couldn’t do his own laundry. Why would I settle for that? Why would I only value myself as much as a pathetic, dirty man did?

I don’t hate him, he is changing too. I’m glad he’s changing, but I don’t care to see it happen. I don’t care for him anymore. I’m happy. I will continue to be happy. I’ll be happy with my Eros, happy with my friends.

Nothing can take this away from me. I know who I am. I know who I want to be.

[apiar-ist]

4/1/25, 8:45pm

Love blossoms within me. Love is a beautiful thing.