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The One with Annual Thoughts

I was on my window seat and NIKI's "On the Drive Home" was playing on my Spotify when I decided to reflect about life for the past 365 days, more or less. I had been searching for the perfect term to describe my 2023 and finally found it right after my COVID-19 test result came out today (if you ask how it was even possible to suffer from COVID-19 when it's already 2023, yes, life is full of surprise, no? However, it was indeed a speedy recovery as I was tested negative in less than a week) and told myself in relief, "I survive".

This year was indeed all about survival. The physical and emotional dynamics in 2023 took a huge toll on me, let alone in H2. Be it dealing stress from work, letting go some friends, facing some closed doors, being knocked out from sore throat, dental surgery, gastroenteritis, and COVID, I couldn't go strong without the existence of my support system, and of course, injected-multivitamin.

Cheers to better eras ahead,

Apita

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2022, in a nutshell

For quite a long time I had this strong attachment to anything I achieved to the point I defined them as my identity and worth ––my value which I would offer to life, and I expected anything I believed was on par with in return. Acceptance, validation, credits, privilege, priority, trust, admiration, love. Thus, when the world turned its back on me, I was way more than crushed. Being too focused on things beyond my control ––failures, setbacks, assumption–– I forgot to take care of my inner self, something that I was not well-trained to. Self-blaming was a more familiar choice for me to overcome the feeling of not being good enough and not worthy of love from the world. In the end, I thought I lost everything I wanted to pursue, but little did I know I lost myself instead.

The good news is, after years of slow inner work ––and I believe this will last forever in the name of self-evolution journey, things started to change. Despite of usual loathsome stuffs, 2022 has been easier for me. This was the year I finally shifted my paradigm about life, values, and identity, so here are what helped me navigate it:

Gradually stopped being so hard on myself. If you asked who I despised the most, the answer would be me. Just one small mistake, and I would be entangled in rage because I was a black belt in self-beating up. I easily felt disgust on myself every time I couldn’t strive for perfection, so I slapped myself hard with the harshest critics and made me walked on eggshells every day. However, it was tiring and lonely, so I tried to stop and then realized that I was once the biggest fan and best friend of my own, and although it was not an easy work at all, I finally reclaimed the title :’)

Being comfortable in my own skin. I looked myself as a broken soul and was ashamed of my own scars because they were like some badges of failure and reminded me about my past which full of bad decisions and regrets, and I didn’t want everyone to know. But currently I just take care of them and let them be when people see, for I well-aware now that nobody really cares and I don’t have to explain to anyone about it (shoutout to Haemin Sunim for helping me to understand more about imperfection through his book, one of the best buys in my 2020! ––yes, nothing in inner-work-realm works instantly).

Being comfortable with mundane. In my darkest times, I used to see it as a humiliation. I couldn’t remember what kind of event in my early days which gave me the senses of urgency to be super-distinctive, but the fear of mediocrity was real, and I thought I wouldn’t survive in society for being ordinary was equal to be meaningless ––please forgive me for my nervous system error, God. Don’t get me wrong, to be standout and particular are great, but otherwise doesn’t make us any less.

Befriending the solitude. Being a child, I didn’t mind spending my time without company, it gave me more space to create the world I wanted instead. However, it did change as I grew up. Being alone made me prone to noisy mind and negative self-talk somehow, so I kept looking for distractions from outer world even though I knew that drained me to the core. I realized that I had to stop and cure the void, so I trained myself to excel my presence in unaccompanied times and brought back the old spirit of 10-years-old-me ––the one who was always gentle with myself.

Redefining boundaries. This was the year I finally no longer excessively attached myself to certain circumstances, including my professional life. It’s not that I will not perform or intend to quiet-quit in work, it’s a different idea. I mean, my job is part of my identity but the idea of believing that my work life defines my identity ––or even worse, my worth–– is totally a whole different game and I don’t sign up for that anymore.

Alright, these five for now. I don’t have any ideas if I will find some more next year, but there will always be some takeaways from our 365-366 living days. Well, adulthood is weird. I remember how I told others how I hated this period so much, but now I’m cherishing it for many stranger-in-a-good-way things to come.

Cheers to a lifetime inner work!

Apita

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Thoughts on Mother’s Day

To be a mother is something I believe many of us take it for granted. There are people out there, including those mamas or moms-to-be who define it as giving birth and taking care of child, while still dominate the domestic works at home. We all know that it’s waaay bigger than that.   

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“I think something’s wrong with me. I make friends, then suddenly I can’t bear to be with any of them. Seems like that other me, the cheerful and honest one, went away somewhere.” - Kiki, ‘Kiki’s Delivery Service’ (1989)

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hi, again

It’s been a-VERY-while. Feels like a thousand years have passed and I find myself kind of awkward to do this blog-thing again yet the nostalgic feeling is so strong. I mean, these past few weeks I’ve been listening to my spirit songs –– yes, the ‘00s of course –– and noticing that some new releases have these ‘80s, ‘90s, and ‘00s vibes so in a speed of seconds I already missed my youth in which writing was my favorite thing to do –– why do I sound so old?

Well, I once told the world that I didn’t write to impress anyone, but rather because I didn’t know any better ways to express myself. Writing has always been my thing since I was a kid, to the point I made some fictional stories using some notebooks then published it privately. Little did I know I’d find the world out there with loud noises and smirks at the corners, and my life turned out just like those adults’: full of second-guessing, insecurities, fitting-ins. Many times I deleted my own posts just because I didn’t feel good enough and ashamed of what I wrote about.

Not cool. Doesn’t sound intellectual. Not inspiring enough.

I stopped, started all over again, deactivated again, and the repetition game started. But I miss the fun! So here I am, typing all the words of my thoughts again LOL