apples-and-heartbreak

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Xie Lian: so what do you know about Crimson Rain Sought Flower, Hua Cheng?

San Lang, Totally not Hua Cheng: well its just rumors and the likes, hearsay, if you will... anyway he's incredibly powerful but also has a sensitive and romantic side. He's also really hot. And rich. And single. And has a big dick. Idk just legends tho

[apples-and-heartbreak]

ok so. i really enjoy the idea of white calamity(i hate his name sm i cant) interacting with the other supremes and being so embarassed by them.

Like he’s constantly seeing them do things and thinking “damn i could never”. because they’re disasters??? i don’t even need to explain???

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Luo Bingge: Mobei-Jun, I'm getting married and I want you to be my best man

Mobei-Jun: No.

Luo Bingge: What?! Why?!

Mobei-Jun: This is the 602nd time you've been married, and I'm sick of being your best man. Each time you want me to make a speech about you, I don't know what to say that I haven't already. "Oh the last time I saw Lord Luo he didn't have 602 wives, but now he does". I'm done, I'm never going to another wedding again

Luo Bingge: Fine! I'll go find someone else to be my best man!

Mobei-Jun: Good luck finding a man that you haven't already killed

Luo Bingge: Well, maybe I think gender roles are bullshit and I'll ask a woman!

Mobei-Jun: ...Good luck finding a woman that you wouldn't immediately marry

Luo Bingge: Fuck you!

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Shang Qinghua: My sweet and precious son-

Luo Binghe: You're not my real dad

Shang Qinghua: Ouch, whatever happened to 'ohana means family'?

Luo Binghe: I don't know what that- Look, what do you want?

Shang Qinghua: How do you top?

Luo Binghe: What?

Shang Qinghua: It's my king's birthday soon and I want to surprise him

Luo Binghe, embarrassed: Here's the thing, I don't really know?

Shang Qinghua: What?! How could my stallion protagonist not know how to top?! What did Cucumber-Bro do to you???

Luo Binghe: It's not Shizun's fault! I'm just too... big

Shang Qinghua: Well drastic times calls for drastic measures. I didn't want to do this, but we both need an expert

A Little While Later

Qi Qingqi, opening the door to her house: What do you two want?

Shang Qinghua: Can you teach us to top?

Qi Qingqi, sighing: Come on in

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Shen yuan: I've convinced my brother and my boyfriend to go to group therapy with me. Because I feel that there were some unresolved issues.

Shen yuan: now Binghe has ripped Jiu-ge's arm off and is beating him over the head with it while screaming "it is my turn to perpetuate the cycle of abuse!"

Shen yuan: somehow I don't think they got the point

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Love the idea of Luo Binghe being like, yeah Shang Qinghua's relationship with Shen Qingqiu is weirdly intimate at times but no way is Shang Qinghua actually on the list of possible romantic rivals. For one thing, Shang Qinghua has Mobei Jun. For another thing, he's the least impressive peak lord, and even if he actually has some of the most useful skills they're not sexy skills. He isn't as objectively hot as Liu Qingge or Yue Qingyuan, and he is also very often deeply pathetic and weird.

Then one night he sits up in a cold sweat with memories of overheard conversations between Shizun and Shang Qinghua about how weird monogamy is, and he's suddenly remembered that Shang Qinghua gave him the advice about acting pathetic and weird to win over Shen Qingqiu, and it worked, and Shang Qinghua is one of the most competent cultivators alive and while cool sword moves and six pack abs are sexy, Luo Binghe knows his husband has -- specifically -- a thing for competency above all else, and oh god. Oh fuck.

This is what Mobei Jun means when he says that Shang Qinghua sneaks up on his targets in plain sight, isn't it?

[apples-and-heartbreak]

AITAH for trying to ruin my son’s relationship?

I (652M) have a son (idk maybe 80? 14?M) who has major hots for his milf teacher (milf age M). Teacher is just insanely slutty, absolutely built to take dick. My son isn’t even 100 yet (I think), he would have no idea what to do with all that. Meanwhile, me and me nephew (187M) are older and know how to treat a lady (gender neutral). Ideally I would like to marry my nephew to teacher after having my way with him, but teacher is very attached to son. Son is also rather volatile- teacher pushed him into the abyss at some point and he recently climbed out. He’s nothing I can’t handle, but he keeps threatening to destroy my rpf collection if I keep trying to fuck his little crush.

I decided that soft power was probably the best way to go, so I started writing rpf about teacher and son getting a messy divorce. I gift them to teacher, which he always graciously accepts. Currently I’m working on a harem drama AU where teacher leaves son for nephew after a life changing night in my bed.

Son attacked me unprompted and accused me of trying to ruin his relationship. Which I am, but it’s in everyone’s best interest! Nephew has never had a partner before- not even during his heats- and he could really use an older man to take care of him. Clearly he needs teacher more than son. So am I the asshole?

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Shen twins but shen Yuan is dating binghe and shen jiu HATES his ge's boyfriend. He borrows shen yuans clothes one day and he's like "this is for yuan-ges own good" and meets up with binghe to break up with him. Obviously poor little binghe is heartbroken

Binghe, sobbing miserably into his hands: but what about the baby..?

Shen Jiu: BABY!?

Shen Jiu storming back home, kicking shen yuans door open: WHAT IS THIS ABOUT A BABY

Shen yuan pausing his game: ...I don't know, what is this about a baby?

Binghe following him into the house, chiming in with a wide smile: remember when I said you would make a good father and you disagreed? Jiu-di and I were discussing it and he was so offended you wouldn't give him cute nephews and nieces!

Shen jiu: WHAT? NO! We were talking about-

Binghe: about what. What did you say, jiu-di. Why don't you tell your brother what we talked about.

Shen jiu: oh my God you- you planned this.

Shen yuan staring at shen jiu with a brow raised and shen jiu realizing he has to choose between admitting he tried to drive away his ge's boyfriend or encouraging his ge to have children with the BEAST. Binghe is having a great time

[apples-and-heartbreak]

If Shang Qinghua instead used modern slang to communicate with Shen Qingqiu secretly - a doodle

I had to get this out of my head quickly

I could not stop thinking about this. Idky.

[apples-and-heartbreak]

HOLY FUCK I AM SO STRESSED!!!! FELLOW CANADIANS PLEASE DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES AS THE US!!! WE CANT HAVE DIET CHEETO AS OUR PRIME MINISTER!!!

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Shang Qinghua, crying: My king doesn't like me!

Shen Qingqiu: He married you, why wouldn't he like you?

Shang Qinghua: I asked him the question

Shen Qingqiu: The question?

Earlier

Shang Qinghua: My king, would you fuck me if I was a worm?

Mobei-Jun: ...what?

Now

Shang Qinghua: He just stared at me before leaving! He clearly just puts up with me!

Shen Qingqiu: Airplane, it's love, the question is 'would you love me if I was a worm', not fuck

Shang Qinghua: Really? Why would you love a worm?

Shen Qingqiu: WHY WOULD YOU FUCK A WORM?!

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Shen Jiu all menacing: you disrespectful little beast, you think you have the right to talk to your betters like that?

Shen Yuan: why are you fighting with a twelve year old? That's loser behaviour

Shen Jiu: ...I- what- Children need discipline!

Shen Yuan: yeah like laps and extra homework but like you're full on trying to assert dominance over a child. Aren't you a Peak Lord? Isn't it pathetic for you to lose your temper over a literal child being childish? This is just sad

Shen Jiu: 😮

Shen Yuan: next thing you're going have me whipped like the worst kind of pathetic loser.

Shen Jiu: o-of course not! Run 20 laps and maybe a month shovelling horseshit will teach you to talk about your superiors like that!

Shen Yuan suddenly all bright smiles: Of course Shizun!

Shen Jiu: ...

Shen Jiu: ...the rat fucking played me

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Okay okay okay.. but listen. What if Shen Yuan had a harsher System and was forced to convincingly play Shen Qingqiu, making Luo Binghe detest his existence, but when Luo Binghe returns from the abyss to enact his revenge and has Shen Qingqiu on trial at Huan Hua, unfortunately for everyone (and fortunately for us), they drug Shen Qingqiu with truth serum and accidentally spiral Shen Yuan into fanboy rampage of epic proportions about how great Luo Binghe is.

[apples-and-heartbreak]

[Mission Objective: Run.]

[Prev] [Masterpost]

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Bingge kidnaps SQQ and takes him back to original PIDW dimension and is like, "I'm sure you're pissed but I can Stockholm syndrome you into loving me." And SQQ goes, "Bet you dumb mfer, Stockholm syndrome isn't real and I may not be able to bring myself to be mean to you but I'm not going to be nice to you either." Bingge is just like, "lol what could you even do?"

Cut to two weeks later (Bingmei has to reforge Xin Mo he's going to be a minute):

-Wives 236, 139, and 15 are missing, apparently SQQ had a talk with them about how they only see Bingge like once every 3 months anyway so they might as well start back up those hobbies they had before meeting him right? Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all. Several other wives are talking about taking trips soon.

-The children are singing something called "the song that never ends." It, as advertised, does not end.

-SQQ is actively flirting with MBJ every time he sees him, apparently just to freak the ice demon out. (SQQ thinks he's just ignoring Bingge in favor of MBJ but he's definitely accidentally wife beaming the poor guy)

-Bingge keeps finding 'Kick Me' signs on his back. He has no idea how SQQ is putting them there since the man refuses to be in the same room as him if at all possible. Also nearly all his left shoes are missing?

-Sha Hualing straight up asks for a divorce. Says she'll be a faithful vassal and is still down for sex but that she feels like marriage is keeping her from 'living her best life'. Yeah she talked to SQQ yesterday what of it?

-SQQ is practicing inedia, but when Bingge tracks him down to ask him what he said to Sha Hualing he's having lunch with Liu Mingyan???

Bingge: ...You aren't eating.

SQQ: I'm not eating anything YOU cook.

Bingge: She hates you though, what if she poisons you?

SQQ: Guess I'll die. Also she's not an idiot she hated the other SQQ not me. As she should, fuck that guy. *turns back to Mingyan* Anyway have you ever considered taking up creative writing?

[apples-and-heartbreak]

Ill post this au( inspired by tweet above) i started on my twt on Tumblr too

First part

more comic panels below

Second part

Third part

Fourth part

Shenanigans side extra

this is currently an ongoing series, if this does well here, I will continue posting these in bulk (～￣▽￣)～

feel free to ask me ab this au and give your suggestions!

[apples-and-heartbreak]

We need 1,000 more Hua Cheng meets Fangxin Guoshi fics. I need more of this man rocking up to a palace and successfully rizzing up the most unrizzable man there. Out of my way, Your Royal Highness King of Young'an, I need to chat up your kid's asocial tutor

Also

Hua Cheng: I can't talk right now, fish face! I've got to seduce the preceptor of Young'an!

He Xuan: Literally what!?