applewiind - Tumblr blog

[applewiind]

being chronically ill and anorexic is so hard

like i’m not even talking abt the health shit, kill me idc i have no will to live but mf i cant undergo five surgeries and be at the doctor four times a week and NOT be sus (_ _).｡o○

[applewiind]

i’m sad because i ate

i ate because i was sad

[applewiind]

not wanting to wear clothes that fit because people can see my body 🤝 not wanting to wear clothes that are baggy because it makes me look even bigger

[applewiind]

[applewiind]

[applewiind]

y’all rocking with passing out after taking a phat shit from laxatives during a fast??

[applewiind]

distraction nap failed now im forced to be consciously mentally ill

[applewiind]

bitches w eds posting their weight loss info to random strangers online who struggle with the same thing but in a completely different way:

[applewiind]

i really fucking hate myself lol

[applewiind]

i was scrolling on tiktok the other day and came across a video regarding people with eating disorders. it made me upset, so i blocked the person and kept scrolling. but it’s been pestering away at my brain so much, i just want to write it out.

the video in question was accusing people with an eating disorder to have the core of their eating disorder rooted in fatphobia, and that it’s entirely the person with the ED’s responsibility when they upset other people by proxy of the behavior their disorder makes them exhibit towards themselves.

this is just…a beyond messed up interpretation of someone struggling with an ED.

my ED’s source is rooted in self hatred at its core. i look at people who are larger than me, and i am envious of them. i wish i could be them, just to escape the mental hell of looking at myself in the mirror and not knowing what the fuck i’m looking at. to escape the feeling of repulsion towards no one else but myself.

i’m always the ugly one. i am always the confidence-lacking loser. you could be a thousand times my size, and you would still be the pretty one.

having an ED is not so black and white as to mean when a mentally sick person calls themselves “fat” to inspire more self hatred, they automatically find all body types that are larger than theirs (or larger than their gw/ugw) undesirable. just the opposite. any other body type is more desirable than the unrelating mental torture of finding yourself hideous - of slowly killing yourself because that’s the only thing that you have control over.

having an ED is so far beyond unrelated to the judgement of other people’s bodies, i fail to find the accurate words to represent the actual mindset. but i’ve tried.

i can’t describe the amount of love and support i have for other’s body types. i can’t describe why i look in the mirror and wonder why i can’t feel that towards myself. i can’t describe the frustration of wanting, so badly, to think it’s okay - that i’m okay the way i am.

i can’t. i just can’t.

[applewiind]

is anyone else mortified of gaining weight after a fast???? i’ve just hit 51 hours into my fast and was supposed to break it tmr but....😁😁😁‼️‼️‼️ i don’t wanna gain the weight back !!!!!!!!!!!!! i might keep the fast rolling but idk i feel weak as hell so i might cave :( god why cant i eat like a normal human being

[applewiind]

something for everyone :)

[applewiind]

oh to be so thin everyone worries about me

[applewiind]

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ

tw for ed’s and sensitive topics

˚.｡⋆fuck off pro ana’s⋆｡˚

active july 2021 (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

★彡to swag 2 disclose my name #yeahyeah

[ just call me apple or wind idfk ]

7teen || she/they || lesbian || wasian

physically disabled <3! ( chronically ill ♡︎ )

𖧷 · ° . my dms r ALWAYS open <333!!! do not be afraid to message me ☆〜 ur so so so valid and loved ( wether u see it or not ) and i’m always one message away :)

𖧷 · ° . please do not follow me if u are under 13 or are over 20, support tr*mp, are racist/homophobic/transphobic/abelist etc, or you do not have an eating disorder. you will be blocked for your safety and possibly for my own safety. please for the love of god do not term me just block me and move on. i literally cant talk to anyone abt anything and being annon online with people who get it makes me feel not so alone. this is all i have.

stats ???☆♪

sw: 165 lbs

cw: 128.8 lbs

gw: 120 lbs

ugw: 80 lbs

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ