#bulimyc

[support]

Everything okay?

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you are not alone.  

If you are in the United States, please try:

National Eating Disorders Association (support, resources, treatment options)

If you are outside the United States, visit IASP to find help lines related to eating disorders for your country. 

For self-help courses on body image and general peer support, please try Koko. 

For more resources, please visit our Counseling & Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help.

[incompetentunt]

I’m trying so hard to sit with the discomfort.

I wasn’t even hungry, I didn’t want to eat, but I grabbed a bag of sweets and ate 600 calories worth of sugar and fat.

Now I’m holding back tears. I want to run to the bathroom and undo this mess. I feel my throat tightening, nausea setting in, my body knows the drill. It would be so easy. My nails are even short right now…

But I’m sitting and feeling my shame. Let this be my reminder of how bad it feels to eat.

[incompetentunt]

I was too big for my boyfriend.

Literally. He was very lean and I was.. well… fat.

If I laid on him I was crushing him, sitting on his lap hurt him.

He said he’d like me the same, thin or fat, but I knew that was a lie.

His type is delicate, sharp features and long, slender limbs. Not me, a blobby mess.

He was the best man I ever met. Ridiculously kind and caring, but he wasn’t physically attracted to me.

The worst men I’ve met like my fat, they sexualize it, objectify me, hurt me and use me.

When I heard the sentiment that men wanted to fuck fat women and marry thin ones, I didn’t believe it. What a terrible thing to say! So misogynistic and degrading, there can’t be truth to that!

But now…. I know the pain of the women that told me that. My pillowy body makes me fuckable, my thin body makes me lovable.

When I’m big my breasts are targets, when I’m small the attention is on my eyes, lips, smile, laugh.

It’s not easy to convince myself that I don’t need love, or kindness from strangers. It’s not as simple as looking in the mirror and saying “this doesn’t matter! The inside matters!”.

I’m not dumb, I know why people treat me the way they do. I know that the world is kindest when I am smallest.