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Pain
Everyone blames you for what they chose to do. Everyone despise you. Everyone wishes you to be gone yet you teaches them the greatest lessons. I know it's been a long time since we met. I wish we didn't but I'm thankful that we have.
My dad used to play guns with me when I was still young. I felt happy for my 7th birthday gift from him. A pellet gun. We used to shoot birds in the roof and I wished. I wished to be a cop one day. Just like him. But I never imagined that those bullets will take him away from me. That. That was our first encounter. I met you when an old man tells my mom on the phone that my dad won't be coming back.
And then I get to know you more. Weeks. Months. Years. I changed my mind of becoming a cop. Thinking about how I should be over you.
Sometimes I saw my mom crying. Sometimes I hear her sob. Then I know you met her too. But I never wanted for you to stay.
Then I wanted to be a doctor. Because I want to save lives and stop letting people meet you. I studied hard. My mom was excited to see me march in the stage and smile. At last, my mom smiled.
I thought I got rid of you but you still find a way to get near me. A day after, my mom died with cancer she used to hide.
And I blamed you. I curse you. I hate you. Because I am a doctor now but I failed to save the very first person I wanted to protect.
I blame you for staying with me.
I blame me for being me.
Years pass by and a patient asked me.
"How do you turn pain into something beautiful?" and I can't speak. Because I've been with you for years and years yet I never found the answer to that question.
I told the patient that I did not know. She held my hand and say,
"Forgive."
I realized, I've been shutting doors with forgiveness because of you. I've been denying that it isn't my fault. I've been restraining myself to happiness because of you.
And now I learned to let you go. Because I met forgiveness.
Farewell, Pain.
11.20.18
(photo credited from Ms. Rachelle Toricer)
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Sukdulan
Sa bandang huli mahal mangangako parin ako sayo, mangangako akong sa pagkakataong ito ay sarili ko naman ang pipiliin ko. Mangangako akong makikinig na sa mga payo mo, mga payong nag silbing daan upang mapag tanto kong may halaga rin pala ako. Mahal, mangangako akong hindi na muling lilingunin ang anino mo kapag nagbabadyang salubungin ng pangungulila ang rurok ng damdamin ko. Nangangako ako na patuloy akong lalago Kahit hindi na pangalan mo ang gusto kong mag may ari ng apelyido ko. Nangangako ako na kakainin ko parin and mga paborito mong pagkain kahit na sa susunod ay mag isa nalang ako. Nangangako akong susuutin ko parin ang damit na siningahan mo dahil naiyak ka sa palabas habang magkasama tayo. Nangangako akong hindi ko susunugin ang mga liham mo bagkos ay isasauli ko ang mga ito sayo. Nang sa gayon ay masasabi mong buo na ang pagmamahal na igagawad mo sa susunod na makikilala mo dahil alam kong bawat letra, bawat kataga ay may kalakip na pagmamahal mula sayo. Nangangako akong pagbibigyan at uunawain ko paring kahit kailan ay hindi mo ako magiging una dahil hanggang paborito mo lang naman ako, na parang ang pinaguusapan lang ay ang lila mong kwaderno. Nangangako akong sa pagkakataong ito ay tapos na ako. Tapos na akong tumangis habang lingkis lingkis ang unang kapit na kapit parin ang amoy ng paborito mong pabango Kahit na ilang besesko nang nabasa at binilad sa araw. Tapos na akong kumapit sa kamay mong hindi naman naging totoong akin at tapos na akong magpaalalang tatabihan parin kita sa mga malulungkot mong araw dahil mahal, tapos na ako. Tapos na gaya ng pag tapos ko sa liham na ito.
6.25.18
Marahuyo
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Musika
Giliw, heto ako at nakatitig sa pahina na nilaan ko para sayo,
Nag-iisip kung paano isisiwalat ang latak mo.
Oo, isang pahina nanaman ang sasayangin ko,
Kapares ng pag sayang mo sa pag-ibig na inialay ko sayo.
Isang taludtod, sapat para iwaksi ang lungkot na hindi matapos tapos,
Kabaliktaran kung gaano kabilis na ang saya'y naubos.
Naubos sa isang kisap-mata,
Wari'y paru-parong nagsawa at dumapo sa iba.
Sing lawig ng himpapawid ang nais kong iyong masaksihan,
Ngunit natakot ka at ang gabay ay di magawang bitawan.
At heto nanaman, heto nanaman,
Ang isip ay nalulunod sa kawalan.
Hinawakan ko ang pluma at muling nag umpisa,
Huminga ng malalim at ipinikit ang mga mata.
Dinama, ang mga pilat na simbulo ng
pagbabayad sa mga kasalanang nagawa,
Kasalanang pagpili sa kasiyahang pangako ng may Likha.
Ngunit sa pangatlong letra ay tinigil ko na,
Sapagkat ang saysay ay tila malabo na.
Bakit nga ba isusulat ko pa?
Ang bagay na sa akin lang naman mahalaga?
Bakit nga ba isusulat ko pa?
Ang damdaming hindi na dapat nadarama?
Bakit nga ba isasalaysay pa?
Ang pag angkin na ngayo'y lipas na?
Bakit kailangang ilarawan pa?
Ang hapdi na ako lang ang umiinda?
Bakit parang napaka daya?
Dahil ako lang ang Hindi malaya-
Malaya sa lahat ng haplos mo,
Malaya sa pag sakop mo sa isip ko.
Malaya sa pag hulma ng piraso ko,
Malaya sa pag suko sa labang itinaya ko ang mundo.
Hanggang ngayo'y hindi alam kung saan magtatapos,
Ang sa aki'y dinulot mong unos.
Ngunit nais kong ipahatid sayo,
Giliw, malaya ka na.
Malaya.
Pasasaan ba't ang lahat ng ito'y magwawakas diba?
Na kahit ilang pahina ang gamitin ay di parin magbabago.
Di magbabago na parte ka ng aking puso,
Di magbabago na minsan ay sumubok salungatin ang isip ko.
Kaya ngayon ay ititigil na.
Malaya na ako.
Mali, malaya ka na.
10.20.17
Marahuyo
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Malaya
Giliw, heto ako at nakatitig sa pahina na nilaan ko para sayo,
Nag-iisip kung paano isisiwalat ang latak mo.
Oo, isang pahina nanaman ang sasayangin ko,
Kapares ng pag sayang mo sa pag-ibig na inialay ko sayo.
Isang taludtod, sapat para iwaksi ang lungkot na hindi matapos tapos,
Kabaliktaran kung gaano kabilis na ang saya'y naubos.
Naubos sa isang kisap-mata,
Wari'y paru-parong nagsawa at dumapo sa iba.
Sing lawig ng himpapawid ang nais kong iyong masaksihan,
Ngunit natakot ka at ang gabay ay di magawang bitawan.
At heto nanaman, heto nanaman,
Ang isip ay nalulunod sa kawalan.
Hinawakan ko ang pluma at muling nag umpisa,
Huminga ng malalim at ipinikit ang mga mata.
Dinama, ang mga pilat na simbulo ng
pagbabayad sa mga kasalanang nagawa,
Kasalanang pagpili sa kasiyahang pangako ng may Likha.
Ngunit sa pangatlong letra ay tinigil ko na,
Sapagkat ang saysay ay tila malabo na.
Bakit nga ba isusulat ko pa?
Ang bagay na sa akin lang naman mahalaga?
Bakit nga ba isusulat ko pa?
Ang damdaming hindi na dapat nadarama?
Bakit nga ba isasalaysay pa?
Ang pag angkin na ngayo'y lipas na?
Bakit kailangang ilarawan pa?
Ang hapdi na ako lang ang umiinda?
Bakit parang napaka daya?
Dahil ako lang ang Hindi malaya-
Malaya sa lahat ng haplos mo,
Malaya sa pag sakop mo sa isip ko.
Malaya sa pag hulma ng piraso ko,
Malaya sa pag suko sa labang itinaya ko ang mundo.
Hanggang ngayo'y hindi alam kung saan magtatapos,
Ang sa aki'y dinulot mong unos.
Ngunit nais kong ipahatid sayo,
Giliw, malaya ka na.
Malaya.
Pasasaan ba't ang lahat ng ito'y magwawakas diba?
Na kahit ilang pahina ang gamitin ay di parin magbabago.
Di magbabago na parte ka ng aking puso,
Di magbabago na minsan ay sumubok salungatin ang isip ko.
Kaya ngayon ay ititigil na.
Malaya na ako.
Mali, malaya ka na.
10.20.17
Marahuyo
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Change
It was a Saturday night when I decided to keep all the burnt sticks I refused to hit just to amend this longing for you. I need to. I need to find my wake and If not, I need to create it myself.
You see, it's not easy to bear the pain you've caused me without enraging wrath within. Because I didn't fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way.
I do believe in fate, in destiny, but I also believe that we are only fated to do the things that we'd choose anyway. And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you.
Because I thought you are my wake.
You were my wake.
I endured my crave to lit every stick in this bottle like how I train myself to not want you back. I still find it so surreal knowing it's never going to be like how we planned. All the promises we once made each other will just remain to be promises. All the memories is what I have and those were all I'll ever have of you. I just hope, that the next person you'll have will treat you how I did or even better. I hope, he'll treat you gentle without making you feel fragile.
I will always pray that you'll get the world because that's what you deserve. I tried giving you everything but today, I can't give you anything because someone else will take the place I once had in your life and make you happy.
Your smile, the way you walk, even how you looked in the morning, the no make up and just 'natural you' look, your smell, everything I fell in love with, and like I said before, I hope you get everything you ever wanted that I couldn't give.
Because my mercy and love will always win over my wrath, and I promise to be better than what I am when I still have you.
I will get the world for me.
06.03.21
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
The sun is a she
For years, I thought I was the one whose wings could melt because of the burning flame of the sun. Those who've been through me made me think and feel that I am someone who can break as soon as luck failed to guard my towers.
All those years, I protected myself on strangers poisonous hearts. My warmth has been sealed intentionally for it was a doorway of the heart.
The ice cold queen, they say. A pair of sad eyes, blank stare, an emotionless face and and a firm lips—even the brightest color can't make it smile.
Until you came, climbing the walls tainted with unwelcoming notice. You didn't mind.
When you reached the deepest dungeon, I was surprised to see you with my dragons.
And my demons told me, "it's him"
You made it.
At last, someone made it.
You have crossed my quests bravely that made me scared a bit, thinking, is it the time for my wings to melt?
But your warmth never destroyed a tiny bit of them. And I wonder—
how many souls have you tamed?
You said, there's always a warm place which flowers can bloom however, no one has been interested to one and no one has seen the beautiful scenery so now,
You dare to appreciate it.
Every thread, every side, every corners, every cracks and mud—those which keeps my rays at bay.
And there, you planted a seed in my garden saying it was your territory. That it will live there until I pull them out. My warmth are slowly getting it's way out.
A sunflower—
Now, this lips can smiles for the brightest color.
And one day, I realized,
I was never the one who has wings made of wax.
I am the Sun myself.
When you taught me how to risk for what I wanted the most.
I am the Sun myself,
when you showed me that there's still someone who can catch my gasp every time I see a bird chirping.
I am the Sun myself,
when I learned how to be free like the wind.
I am the Sun myself and you're going to be my moon—not the one who's wings could melt in my presence.
11.21.18
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Dear no one
Someday, my name will be revealed to you so you don't have to wonder who I am and who am I going to be. Someday, my eyes will tell you the things you doubted while looking yourself in the mirror everytime you feel ashamed. Someday, no voice will matter but mine, because I won't shower you praises but prayers from the day we still haven't met until the day that you are mine. Someday, you'll believe that the stars are not the brightest thing in the universe but your smile. And I will make you laugh until you forget how it hurts just to stand right next to me, until you remember that you are still alive, until you realize that it's your stomach aching and not your heart. Someday, I will touch you with your darkest corners, the shelves unwanted to be seen and touch, I will touch you and make your heart arc to a point where you'll remember the traces I'll leave behind. I will touch you with my soul at whole, not with my hands. Someday, I'll make you cry with the warmth of my embrace, for the moments I'll tell you I miss you, not your body, not your kisses, but you and your soul. Someday, I'll make you believe that love is not all about pain, because you have me, and that I will do everything to protect you. Someday, you won't need to worry about giving too much, because I'll remind you that you are enough. You alone is enough. Someday, you'll know my name. And on that someday, I'll introduce you to the Man who introduced you to me, and that is God.
10.04.18
Soliloquy
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Wounds
The real deal about wounds is not about how much you bled. You can patched it up with games, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, porn or poetry until it reaches the pit of hell but one day, it will explode and will leave a deeper level of pain. You have to be brave to stick your hands to it's core and pull off the root of everything. You need to face your demons and make peace with them. You need to stop running from it and stop looking for pain relievers. Yes, those people you use to fill up the love you lost, those people you waste time with because you are scared of your own shadow. Stop causing them the same wounds you gained. Start your own healing.
11.28.18
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
A Poetess’s love
Do not want a poetess's love. She will make you the best muse she ever had. She'll describe how breathtaking your scars are. How colorful life can be whenever you're around. How you became a beautiful tragedy and a comforting flame. She will praise everything she sees. She will tell how both of you meet and how admirable you are while protecting her as you walk in every sidewalk of the streets. She will write about how happy you made her feel when you showed up with a bubblegum flavored ice cream. She will write how gentleman you are. She will write every beautiful things about you as well as she will write every ugly things about you when it's over. She will write how stupid you are for letting her go. She will write about how tragic it is to end up loving you. Every details she missed on her story of fantasy, she will describe it like pieces of reality. She will tell how shameful you are for touching the petals of flowers without realizing your hands are full of her thorns. She will tell how you put chaos in her mind. How you send storms and clashing waves on her heart. A dozen of matches to lit undesirable fire to the altar she had for you. She will describe how unworthy you are and she will make them feel that you are just like another boy who knows nothing but breaking a girl's heart.
05.20.18
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Success
I once thought achievement and success is all about recognition, getting things we want and affiliation. I used to believe that, that's what people should aim for their life. There are times, I am guilty of pushing myself and my body to its limits just to excel in the things I chose. I had recognitions, I had things I wanted but then there's something odd you'll feel in the process.
The bigger your wants,
the bigger your thirst,
the larger the hole you get in your heart. And one day, you'll wake up getting everything you want in your life but will still feel empty. And you'll wonder why you feel that way. So you'll want more. Get more. Aim more. Until you lose yourself completely.
But, there was a time when fate taught me a valuable lesson. A chance to know what real success is.
I dropped the pressure and expectations of people on me and started working on how to make someone happy. It started by giving coins to samaritans in jeepneys, buying keychains to students who needs to earn for their tuition fees, to working extra mile on giving hope with children with school supplies and toys.
I am saving some money for them now. For all of them who fills my heart with their smiles and happy tears. They thought, losing is what I get from this mission. And I said, I don't lose anything. I gain something instead. The fulfillment, the joy, the happiness and contentment for helping, recognition, affiliation and things never gave me those feelings.
From that moment onwards, I have changed my beliefs. Success can't be measured by wealth or things like shoes, dress, jewelries and places you've been. But it can be measured by how you treat people around you. You can not consider a person successful just by looking at what s/he has achieved. It is by how s/he treat other people and how selfless s/he can be despite of the society's influences.
05.31.19
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
If there's one thing I dislike about most of the guys, it's their ability to confess admiration or to show affection towards ladies and then when they've been pushed back, they retreat right away and find another fish. It just somehow give me impression that they take ladies as a matter of accomplishment or an object to possess and show off. The founding feeling they claimed to be special is as shallow as how they see the road towards getting her is. And don't get me wrong, some might defend them that if one got rejected or pushed back, it's a normal reflex to jump in another for not pushing yourself to someone who doesn't like you. My point is, to pursue a relationship with someone, you must not risk just a half of your heart. If someone is serious, the feelings won't depend on how she reacts on it but how you want it to work. And for the guys who wants intimacy without a label, don't expect it from a woman who knows what she wants and what she deserves. Because those kind of woman don't like playing games.
07.24.19
Soliloquy
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Used to it
One of the critical phase ones should develop is the ability to define self out of own discovery. Many youths today don't know or are confused about what career path to take mainly because people are so eager to make them chose what they don't want or make them believe they're for a path they think is best for them. And then when it didn't work out, they'll blame the kid for not studying better.
If you're a young one who suffers this dilemma, please explore things out of your comfort zone. Take risks. You won't lose anything just gain experience and knowledge. The more you explore, the more you get to know yourself better. Never let others define you and make you take a path you are not interested in. It will waste your time and efforts in the end. Chose the one you're most interested in so you'll enjoy the journey despite hardships.
And if you're an adult who chooses for a young one, please let them explore. Let them figure out what they want. The more we insist on things with them, the more we destroy their chance of figuring themselves out. Their sense of purpose develops with their journey of discovery. Do you wonder why there are kids who don't know what they want or what career path to take? It is because the parents limit them of chances to try new things and discover themselves. They're afraid to go outside their comfort zone because the adults don't support them. We don't really protect them by limiting them. We just hold them back. That's the truth. We're supposed to help them grow and guide them. Let's do our responsibility properly.
Hey, you young one. If you want to try something out, speak! Fight for it. Adults? They're not the ones who will deal with it for life. You are! So don't be afraid to try new things and discover yourself.
02.12.21
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Empathy
One of the critical phase ones should develop is the ability to define self out of own discovery. Many youths today don't know or are confused about what career path to take mainly because people are so eager to make them chose what they don't want or make them believe they're for a path they think is best for them. And then when it didn't work out, they'll blame the kid for not studying better.
If you're a young one who suffers this dilemma, please explore things out of your comfort zone. Take risks. You won't lose anything just gain experience and knowledge. The more you explore, the more you get to know yourself better. Never let others define you and make you take a path you are not interested in. It will waste your time and efforts in the end. Chose the one you're most interested in so you'll enjoy the journey despite hardships.
And if you're an adult who chooses for a young one, please let them explore. Let them figure out what they want. The more we insist on things with them, the more we destroy their chance of figuring themselves out. Their sense of purpose develops with their journey of discovery. Do you wonder why there are kids who don't know what they want or what career path to take? It is because the parents limit them of chances to try new things and discover themselves. They're afraid to go outside their comfort zone because the adults don't support them. We don't really protect them by limiting them. We just hold them back. That's the truth. We're supposed to help them grow and guide them. Let's do our responsibility properly.
Hey, you young one. If you want to try something out, speak! Fight for it. Adults? They're not the ones who will deal with it for life. You are! So don't be afraid to try new things and discover yourself.
02.12.21
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Distant
One of the critical phase ones should develop is the ability to define self out of own discovery. Many youths today don't know or are confused about what career path to take mainly because people are so eager to make them chose what they don't want or make them believe they're for a path they think is best for them. And then when it didn't work out, they'll blame the kid for not studying better.
If you're a young one who suffers this dilemma, please explore things out of your comfort zone. Take risks. You won't lose anything just gain experience and knowledge. The more you explore, the more you get to know yourself better. Never let others define you and make you take a path you are not interested in. It will waste your time and efforts in the end. Chose the one you're most interested in so you'll enjoy the journey despite hardships.
And if you're an adult who chooses for a young one, please let them explore. Let them figure out what they want. The more we insist on things with them, the more we destroy their chance of figuring themselves out. Their sense of purpose develops with their journey of discovery. Do you wonder why there are kids who don't know what they want or what career path to take? It is because the parents limit them of chances to try new things and discover themselves. They're afraid to go outside their comfort zone because the adults don't support them. We don't really protect them by limiting them. We just hold them back. That's the truth. We're supposed to help them grow and guide them. Let's do our responsibility properly.
Hey, you young one. If you want to try something out, speak! Fight for it. Adults? They're not the ones who will deal with it for life. You are! So don't be afraid to try new things and discover yourself.
02.12.21
Soliloquy
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
6th sense awakening
One of the critical phase ones should develop is the ability to define self out of own discovery. Many youths today don't know or are confused about what career path to take mainly because people are so eager to make them chose what they don't want or make them believe they're for a path they think is best for them. And then when it didn't work out, they'll blame the kid for not studying better.
If you're a young one who suffers this dilemma, please explore things out of your comfort zone. Take risks. You won't lose anything just gain experience and knowledge. The more you explore, the more you get to know yourself better. Never let others define you and make you take a path you are not interested in. It will waste your time and efforts in the end. Chose the one you're most interested in so you'll enjoy the journey despite hardships.
And if you're an adult who chooses for a young one, please let them explore. Let them figure out what they want. The more we insist on things with them, the more we destroy their chance of figuring themselves out. Their sense of purpose develops with their journey of discovery. Do you wonder why there are kids who don't know what they want or what career path to take? It is because the parents limit them of chances to try new things and discover themselves. They're afraid to go outside their comfort zone because the adults don't support them. We don't really protect them by limiting them. We just hold them back. That's the truth. We're supposed to help them grow and guide them. Let's do our responsibility properly.
Hey, you young one. If you want to try something out, speak! Fight for it. Adults? They're not the ones who will deal with it for life. You are! So don't be afraid to try new things and discover yourself.
02.12.21
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Purpose
One of the critical phase ones should develop is the ability to define self out of own discovery. Many youths today don't know or are confused about what career path to take mainly because people are so eager to make them chose what they don't want or make them believe they're for a path they think is best for them. And then when it didn't work out, they'll blame the kid for not studying better.
If you're a young one who suffers this dilemma, please explore things out of your comfort zone. Take risks. You won't lose anything just gain experience and knowledge. The more you explore, the more you get to know yourself better. Never let others define you and make you take a path you are not interested in. It will waste your time and efforts in the end. Chose the one you're most interested in so you'll enjoy the journey despite hardships.
And if you're an adult who chooses for a young one, please let them explore. Let them figure out what they want. The more we insist on things with them, the more we destroy their chance of figuring themselves out. Their sense of purpose develops with their journey of discovery. Do you wonder why there are kids who don't know what they want or what career path to take? It is because the parents limit them of chances to try new things and discover themselves. They're afraid to go outside their comfort zone because the adults don't support them. We don't really protect them by limiting them. We just hold them back. That's the truth. We're supposed to help them grow and guide them. Let's do our responsibility properly.
Hey, you young one. If you want to try something out, speak! Fight for it. Adults? They're not the ones who will deal with it for life. You are! So don't be afraid to try new things and discover yourself.
02.12.21
Dirt in the shade of gold
Arcanelily
0 notes
Text
Chunk of a puzzled mind
A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship. No matter how many times you ignore the red flags and put hope in the good side of your partner, in the end, the most damaged one will still be you. If s/he values your growth, s/he will not make you let go of the things you enjoy doing the most or the things you're passionate about. If s/he values your mental health, s/he will not make you cut ties with your friends who cares for you. If your social empowerment matters to him/her, s/he will not forbid you to talk to other people specially with opposite sex for a lame reason. Trust, love, time and commitment are the basic foundation of a strong relationship. If one of what I said is missing in your relationship, you should think twice.
05.24.21
Soliloquy
Arcanelily
0 notes