ariasongbird

[ariasongbird]

19 and behind at life

Somewhere in the months between high school and college I became a perpetual burnout. In high school, I took 5 AP classes, held leadership positions in 4 clubs and still found time to fit in a social life and sleep. In college, I don’t even know what my grade in my classes are and finals are coming up next week and I’m 4 weeks behind on my content. I’m so lost I don’t even know where to begin. In fact, the idea of catching up brings me so much anxiety that I push off doing my work even more and more thus the anxiety only builds. It’s a positive feedback loop of stress.

A week ago I was taking to my best friend. We were both straight A students back in the day. She causally mentioned how she’d be lucky to make a B in her College Physics class and I couldn’t help but think ‘ when did we become so comfortable with the idea of mediocrity?’.

I remember being 15 and having this fire in my belly. I wanted to be the best at something. I wanted to change the world. Like really change the world. I wanted people the remember me after I died. I distinctly remember thinking “ I don’t want to be just another soul that passes in and out of our planet without making a difference.” I wanted my existence to count, I wanted it to mean something for the greater good.

My worldview has changed. That fire had died down. The embers are gone too. Now I’m barely scarping by, feeling burnt out without a good enough reason to be.

Now, graduating with a job, making six figures and living in a nice apartment sounds like the aspirational dream I’m working towards. Fuck “ making the world a better place” I’ll be trying to pay off my debt, help my parents retire and maybe if I’m lucky, squeeze in a few vacations in this lifetime as I slave away under the cycle of capitalism.

I sound like a cynic, I know. But maybe I’m just more of a realist now. I use tik tok as a method of distraction. I go out to disgusting frats as a way to stimulate myself. I use friendships as a form of distraction. Anything I can do really to snap me out of this reality and into another one.

And now that I’m done writing this post, I can’t use writing as a distraction either. I guess I have to go and confront my reality now. Which I don’t feel ready to do, but here I go anyways.

[ariasongbird]

Growing up with a fucked up dad.

Growing up with a mentally ill father was weird. I got used to hearing him verbally abuse my mom, he even hit her once or twice. Insulting her, and watching her just take that abuse and not retaliate in any way was the most frustrating experience in the world. I got used to hearing him say things like “ I’ll beat the shit out of you with my shoe.” Or “ I wish I’d never married a bitch like you.” Or “ my biggest regret in life was marrying you.” The insults that wound hurt the worst were the ones directed at my grandfather. My grandfather died of lung cancer when I was 3 years old but even at such a young age, I felt a lot of love from him. One of my earliest memories where riding on a rickshaw sitting on my dads lap and him saying “ it’s a good thing your grandfather is dead, he was too poor to be able to support your education anyways.” I remember being so sad that my throat closed up, I could t even cry. And my mom said not one word in defense of her dead father. Everything revolves around my dad. If he was in a bad mood, it was just going to be a bad day in the house. In elementary school, mom and I even had a secret way of communicating what kind of mood dad was in and I’d adjust my behavior accordingly to not trigger him even more. It just felt like growing up in that environment was like walking on eggshells. I’m not sure how much that abuse can be attributed to my dads mental illness. He only recently got diagnosed with OCD. He started taking medication for it and started therapy but I don’t think it’s been very effective. Now he simply does nothing other than watch TV and sleep during his free time. When I was little, he felt like a landmine, that I’d accidentally step on and he’d explode. Now he’s like a boulder. The only way to get a reaction out of him is by saying the F word. Their really is no conclusion to this story. It’s still continuing. I don’t hate my dad. In fact, I love him a lot. But it’s safer to love some people from a distanced. I’ve stopped trying to intervene in my parents marital problems. It’s really none of my business and as grown adults, they should know how to work it out. It’s a shame they don’t tho.

[ariasongbird]

Pendulum

I’ve always described the way I process emotions to be like a pendulum. I am only capable of expreriencing emotions in extremes. That when a thought takes hold in my mind- it becomes all- consuming. It’s either the best day of life or the worst. Every day. You know that Phoebe Bridgers lyric that goes “ I get this feeling whenever I feel good, it’ll be the last time.” That’s how I feel constantly.

The most recent thought that took hold in my mind was: ” I’m invisible, my friends don’t like me and wouldn’t even notice if I wasn’t their”. When a thought like that takes root in my head, my mind starts looking for confirmation bias to reaffirm that thought. “ Maya didn’t say hi to me in the hall, she doesn’t care.” Or “Eliyah didn’t notice that I left the room, she diddnt notice when I was their.” Or “ Rosy seemed unenthusiastic when she shahid hi to me today, I think she hates me.” And I look for this confirmation bias in every single little place that I can. Even the smallest indiscretion will become a another bullet point in my evidence folder to build the case as to re-affirm that thought.

And the thing is, I know on a cognitive level that these thoughts aren’t rational. But when I’m going through my every day routine and the thoughts are constantly replaying in my head- I forget about their irrationality. This makes me distrustful of myself. I have a hard time believing my own mind because I know I have a penchant of creating alternate realities for myself.

When the “ i feel invisible and my fiends hate me” thoughts took root, do you know what I did? I detached myself from my friends. I spent a week without initiating contact with them. I skipped on group events without really telling people why. My logic was “ I’ll just make myself disappear, since they won’t notice that I’m gone anyways.” But people did notice. I guess I expected my friends to be inquiring every day about my whereabouts and I was hurt when they didn’t. But I can’t really blame them since I was being distant myself. And plus, I can’t expect a whole group of fiends to chase after me. If it were the other way around, I wouldn’t case after one person whose willfully making them self distant from the group.

Anyways, that week was pretty depressing. I called my mom all day every day- and cried to my RA. Yeah, it got that bad. But then my fiend Jack gave me some advice. He said “ Aria- your thoughts become your reality. If keep thinking that you don’t matter, if you keep removing yourself from the picture and creating a gap between yourself and your fiends, then you really will become Invisible to them.” He told me that his realty was different from mine and that from his perspective, I was far from being invisible in the friend group. And that’s all it took for the pendulum to shift.

Suddenly, I was looking for evidence to affirm the thought that “ I am important to my fiends.” And I found it lot if. And I was, am, currently, a lot happier and a lot more secure in my friendships.

But, with time, I’m sure the pendulum will shift once again. And back and both it will swing until I’ve either burned every bridge or burned myself out.

[ariasongbird]

I’m in love with places i’ll never go & people i’ll never meet

anyone who has ever fallen in love with fictional worlds 

[ariasongbird]

True Story

You know what’s crazy? The exceptions you’ll make for the people you love. It doesn't matter how fucked up a thing he did, you’ll find yourself bending the truth, making excuses to yourself and altering details just that the situation will be easier to tolerate. Breaking a familiar pattern is difficult to do, so, you find yourself in the cycle. And it doesn't matter if it's killing you, you stay because it's the only reality you remember. And you tell yourself that you’ve found someone that loves you, and that his only fault is loving you too much. If you tell yourself that enough times, eventually, you’ll start believing it. 

So, when he grabs you arm so tightly that leaves bruises- you’ll tell yourself that it was on accident. 

When he chokes you until you’r almost gone, you’ll say that it was just a flash of anger. 

When he tries raping you, you’ll blame yourself for not being what he needs.

 You will continue making these concession until either you dead, or he is. But you tell yourself that everyone is survivable. That he said this was the last time, and two weeks later, after you’ve taken him in again, you ask yourself how you could have ever believed him. And shit, admit it, it feels good doesn't it? Him crawling back to you, begging for you and you have the power to forgive him. I mean, isn’t this the way its suppose to be? 

Marriage is difficult, your mom used to say, though busted lips. But you try to convince yourself that he isn’t like your father. You swore that you would never end up like her, that you could leave him whenever you wanted. But the cycle knows better. 

Anushka Sikdar