arscynic-blog

[arscynic-blog]

Broken Records

often skip, the needle catching on minute cracks and causing the song to repeat until fixed.  People are much the same, I think. 

I know I am, I consistently feel as though I'm just repeating on loop. The same words, same thoughts, same mood cycles. I repeat myself over and over.  But a break in vinyl is clearly defined, the rigid material stark against its own absence.  In exactly the opposite way, humans break and mold and shift shapes. Adaptability is a custom feature, one well suited to hiding out flaws.  This is seen as some sort of strength. I think it’s just trapping me in loops and loops and loops.

[arscynic-blog]

Never thought this is where I’d be

at 26. No, not at alllllll.  I mean, I had my future ruined at 12 ish, what did I really expect? Sitting in the lumpiest chair I've ever had the displeasure of meeting cheek to cheek, listening to a balding man tell me how I could do anything I put my “exceptional mind” to, I knew even then that I had only one goal in life. These people, in their worn suits and off-color ties who constantly tried to sell me on my own success, they never once asked what I wanted.  Well, at least non-rhetorically. 

All I’ve ever wanted though... was to be happy.  

I'm sure this sounds pedantic, to some extent. Duh, of course, we all want to just -be happy-. But I think for me, the problem ran deeper than most. I don't need to write some sappy sob story, I'm certain I had it better than many others. But a wish is a wish, and none of the middle-management jobs made any sense to me, like some sort of arcane codex of utter bullshit. The Big Jobs didn’t fit me- it’s childish to want to be a Police Man, or a Fireman, or a Doctor. 

And let's face the facts. The schools, even the nice ones, never really wanted to do anything but get rid of us kids. This results in a 23-year-old with plenty of talent, no direction, and a lack of future. This leads to middle management type jobs, and a quiet, inwardly screaming death of the soul. But, it's amusing. In much the way that I ended up aimless and wandering out of school, I've wandered into a life that I care about... Where I feel like I want to live with the anxiety, the depression, the years of bad luck and built up boundless bullshit. I have a family, somehow. People I belong to. I have a home, even if we are still adjusting. 

I know all things are temporary, but that’s why I try my best to live now. I don’t know tomorrow, but at this moment my life is full of Sunshine... even if its still raining.