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'UGH!' part 85434258

Well this isn't what I was expecting, at all.

I didn't get what I wanted. Shocker.

For someone who is so used to falling head over heels for the guy- why is it that it doesn't happen when you need it to? What does it mean when you're rejecting the people who are suppose to be good for you? What does it say about a persons type?

And what does that mean for relationships now adays?

Because I watched Sex and the City and why is it that Carrie goes through the same dating experiences.

What is it with people and enjoying that little bit of toxicicty?

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10.10.22

hi.

I havent written in a very, very long time. But I am back.

His name was Jeremy.

The story starts same way it usually does. Boy says hi to girl, girl says hi back.

Except this time we met in the areospace building. To be fair, he was in two of my classes the first semester. And in one the second semester. but lets talk about the first semester. He was eye candy. He made my heart race when he sat next to me. I don’t even have to mention the butterflies, I felt a whole zoo. His big brown eyes - like a doe, he made me so nervous. The first time he hugged me i had the biggest smile the rest of the day. It wasn’t perfect- I mean the first time we kissed I remember I was like “ why’re you biting me?” I mean seriously the next day I had a bruise on my lip. The lack of experience was evident - I tried to use it as an escape. I don’t know what happened , why , or how. But besides all of it I kept coming back. On and off for a whole year. Except I’m the reason it has been this long because he stopped texting first a long time ago. 

but i wanted him. 

even after he told me that he just wanted to have ‘fun’. I kept telling myself I wanted the same thing, but Linda you never fucking learn. YOU want to LOVE, you want to give even when you don’t recieve. You think you’re for the streets but miss girl you most definitely are not. 

Anyways let me tell you the worst part of this.

On Septmber 1st you had a show. I wanted to go SO bad. But no one wanted to go with me, so I said fuck it Imma just go. So anyways, I bought a ticket off you and you didn’t even put my name at will call!!! so i almost missed ur entrance but alas I bought another ticket and got in. It was emptier than I expected - and I didn’t know what to do with myself so I grabbed a drink at the bar. first person i noticed when i got inside was your dad, did he recognize me? no idea. eventually i went and stood towards the middle/back. You texted me up until the point that you showed up. [ it was cute? idk?] anyways, i couldnt help but smile SOOOOO freaking big whenever you would look at me. just kept thinking to myself, wish that was mine. anyways, after your set which was obviously SO GOOD, [ maybe a little bias, besides the point]. Your dad came up to me and hugged me, 

“Thank you so much for coming Linda.” ummm he remembered my name crying n throwing up. Then when I saw a couple of the guys getting drinks I went to the bar and he bought my drink! again- fricken cute af. I came up to you while you spoke to a group of men - i lifted my drink so you could see it, “oh nice! what did you get?” Did I already mention this was the first time we’ve ever gone out...together..? I was confused for the slightest second because everyone knows my usual- except you. “Vodka Cranberry, try it.” You took a sip. You reintroduced your friends and we all hungout when the main performers came on. I felt - happy but awkward? Should I stay or should I go? I wasn’t drunk enough - but i needed to go to the bathroom. Without saying anything I snuck away and shortly after you textedd me. 

“Did you leave?” 

aw. you noticed. 

When I came back I noticed your eyes searching for me in the crowd. We made eye contact and moving through the crowd I made my way back to you. I wish you could see what I feel for you. Was it obvious when I looked at you? I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to not feel like it was all on sided. But there was no physical touch from you the whole time. By the time the show was over your dad was inviting everyone to dinner and saying how hungry he was. You were saying your byes to everyone and eventually i just felt so awkward that I left without saying anything to anyone. So I walked out those doors and headed straight to my car. and i waited. hoping that you would notice and text me. and you did. “Did you leave?” “no. well yes, but im in my car” so you told me to wait and you came to my car. I drove for a while but I was drunker than you were, so you drove. I had to pee SOOOO BAD. “Can you hold it until we get to my parents?” “no.” 

So there we go trying to find a gas station so that I can go pee. The first gas station we went to didnt have a bathroom. We got to the second and as I went to open my door you went “nuh uh” and you opened it. brownie poiiiiints. Anway you asked the cashier for the bathrooms and you got me the key, which I couldnt take out so I told you to just stand in front of the door for me. When I came out I was so happyyyyyyy. I was relieved and I was with you, still a little drunky. I vaguely remember grabbing your face, “you’re soooo cute.” 

I was on aux and you were NOT fw the music i was playing. so rude. Until I started playing bad bunny, i was surprised you really knew the song, i was laughing so hard as you sang it. You played the song you always do, ‘ Get you’ by Daniel Ceaser. You were singing- I mean actually singing. I dont know if you noticed or not but i kept lowering the volume just to hear you better. Rapper and singer??? Oh the way you had me in awe. Then we got to your parents house so you could get your car. “Are you coming over?” “ummm....” “Pleaaaase” “I dont know....” and you looked at me and it felt like such a ‘finally’ moment, we came close and kissed. It was passionate, atleast for me. As you exited my car you said , “just follow me ok?” I nodded, “okay.” 

The path we took to get to your house was very dark, you could see the plethora of stars. It was beautiful. 

But look. none of it mattered, not this story and not anything that happened later that night.  I had the best night with you and next thing you know it’s been a whole month without you. And did you care? no. did u ever care, about me?

I texted you tonight hoping that it was enough for you to say “yeah i havent seen u in a while when are you free?” some type of sign that you want to see me like I want to see you. but nothing. Sp I finally deleted you off snapchat. I don’t know if you’ll notice and I don’t doubt that when you do you wont say anything. But its what I needed, and I need to forget about you. I need to heal. You cant give me when I need and most certaintly cannot give me when I deserve.  

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04.04.21

Hi i am writing about my dad.

I dont really know what it’s like to have a father. I don’t really know what kinds of things I would know, or that would be different within myself had I had you. I wonder if my life would be different and where I would be in the world if I had, you. 

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rereading the hunger games and i CANNOT stop thinking about what haymitch and peeta’s individual interview training session must’ve gone. like

haymitch: so what’s your angle you wanna go for how do we want to portray you

peeta: I Have Been In Love With Katniss For 12 Years

haymitch: oh word?

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09/5

still sad that all my girl friends always leave and forget about me as soon as they get a boyfriend.

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Aug19/2020

I never really thought I would have the strength to say goodbye. It took me over a year to get over you. I finally deleted you off snapchat and although I don’t regret it, I still kinda can’t believe I managed to do it. I tried so hard to keep you around and I tried SO hard to be enough for you. Failing to realize that im A BAD BITCH and HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A BAD BITCH TF? So anyway, f that and f you and f all the feelings I ever had for you. MY mistake. 

Linda don’t ever let a dummy boy play you AGAIN. Get the head and DIP SIS. You’re so smart and caring and too fucking loving for someone to not appreciate you. You ARE a good person. You deserve to be treated well, with kindness and with the same amount of effort you give out. 

NEVER NEED A BITCH I’m what a BITCH need.

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tuesday JUl7

I think about what I did wrong literally EVERY SINGLE DAY. i wish i didnt. I try to look at it through your eyes which feels like its so TOXIC. I just havent felt that much annoyance out of someone???? does that even make sense. Like dude what did i do wrong. i mean yeah i was like kinda annoyinfg but like how do i meet the most beautiful person I have ever momentarly connected with, and he LIKES ME? maybe?????? and then I feel all sorts of ways and then it’s gone. All within like a month?. I’ve become restless from trying to understand. I want it to go away but it’s been and incredibly slow process. 

I thought about Firestar about a day ago. He was so sweet. It caught me incredibly off guard and I ruined something that might’ve had potential. He really did care about me but I just wasn’t in the same state of mind in which I am in now, a year and almost a half later. I wonder if things could’ve gone differently. Maybe in a parallel universe I had better luck. 

I think I’m getting my nose pierced. It would b crazyzzzy.

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Tuesday Jul7

Feelings are gross. If feelings had an on and off switch I’d be lit. I feel so MUCH and so aggresively that it hurts. Any type of emotion has the possibility of being TOO much to handle. I feel as though I cry for everything and anything, anywhere and anytime. I don’t know what dysfunction my brain has but holy shit dude. Anthony said something really interesting when I explained this to him, “I wonder what chemicals are going off in your brain or what your brain looks like since you feel that way.” Which blew my mind. bc same dude like I wanna know whats goin on in there too. 

Anyway all this to say that lately I’ve been feeling extremely alone. I feel this gap in my mind and in my heart. Like I’m missing someone and I can’t seem to let it go. I don’t think I’m referring to a partnership though, i.e a boyfriend. I think I miss just having a best friend. I know that I have people that care about me but it’s just not sufficient enough. What I mean is that I feel really sad and down when I dont have that “go to” friend in place. I just too often get left for boyfriends and it’s no longer someone who focuses on me as much as i focus on them uk??? idk??? 

Also this past week I had dreams. I think it was my third eye trying to warn me because all of these dreams consisted of my exes, but not all at the same time. They felt so real and actually made me miss the feeling of being with someone. 

I’m beginning to realize I’m pretty immature it’s actually kinda gross.

BUT I’m also recognizing that I have value and when someone wants to be in your life, they simply are. Anything less than that and they don’t care about you. 

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Tuesday July 7

Quarantine has been the longest I have ever seen my mom @ home. During this pandemic I have learned so much sbout her. She told me she used to be a nanny when she was younger and went on to explain the kids she took care of, she misses them. I learned that she can paint! My mom is so crafty and it’s adorable. We went to the resevoir and she sat herself between land and water, i watched as she searched for shells. She brought some home and is attempting to paint them. She’s excited. 

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this basically gave me butterflies

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why is everything so hard but not actually that hard just i cant do it

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My love is high maintenance, I need the passion, the obsession and consistency.

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I just want to crawl in bed with someone I care about and have my heart feel at home again and watch movies and talk about random stuff for hours

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This is important.

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April 11.2020

Two weeks ago, Mach 27th, I texted Evan because I was experiencing a wave of saddness. I made myself unintentionally, really really really sad. 

I messaged you thinking you’d respond, and you didnt. I mean I had your attention for a split second until it went away, when you stopped responding I was ruined. I didn’t want to do anything the rest of the day. Evan was really kind, and he listened. He said “Honestly my advice would be not to stress on it and if he;s hitting you up just to hook up it might not be worth bc it’s making you feel this way. I think the best thing to do is to try and be friends the best you can and see if he meets you half way.’ Holy fuck was he right. I stopped putting in effort, realized if you gave a single fuck about me at ALL then you’d try. But you didnt. 

Two days later I performed the smallest spell. The spell consists just of a candle, you whisper something you want to be done with and you continue it through the use of a couple of words. I wanted to be done with you. Wanted to stop giving a shit.

It is now April eleventh! I feel so happy. I forget about you sometimes, until I’m like ‘oh hey he liked that song’, but I no longer feel the urge to talk to you or see you. Thank you Evan for being there for me and for saying exactly what I needed to hear from you.