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asagi-red-wolf · 2 years ago

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What happened with the zines?

Hey Anon, I'm gonna keep this short as the subject is a little anxiety inducing for me so apologies if I skim over things

I had a severe mental health crisis in December of 2021, including a suicide attempt, after wich my mom stepped in and temporarily cut me off from my projects for my health- she tried to step in and help following my instructions but understandably it was quite an enormous undertaking for someone who had no experience with zines, project management to that scale, or even using social media or instant messaging, and it was incredibly hard for her to try to keep things up

Some projects fell apart completely, like the Miraculous magic zine, others were taken over by my very capable and extremely kind and lovely co-mods, like the Yuri On Ice zines

I tried to keep in touch with some of the co-mods via email as I no longer had access to my discord, but unfortunately, as I'm sure many are aware, emails get lost and eaten quite often, and on some occasions I lost contact with my mods and fell outside of the project

There were also some cases, especially with the Teen Wolf soulmates zine, where I had been left as the only mod for months and I was trying to get help from contributors to update the social media, as the Tumblr purge on my zine blogs left only the Twitters available and I had no access to them, but that only occassionally worked

Financial management was either given to other mods (in the case of things like the YOI projects), or was held onto wile waiting for leftover sales to hit, like in cases with the IchiRuki zine, wich I later found out was taken over by one of the other mods who I've been trying to get in touch with to iron out details with, as we still had packages left from the Russian mail ban that haven't gone out and I was reluctant to start leftovers until those packages (as there are quite a few) could find their ways to their owners, however, there were also cases like the Yugioh horror zine where the zine was actually overdrawn (in the case of the horror zine, we were short over $300, wich I had spent out of my own pocket to complete shipping on, I had needed leftover sales to happen in order to make any donations, not to mention reimburse me for the money I'd spent- wich, between all projects, ended up totaling around $2,000 just in terms of funding shipping to contributors- IE: what I needed reimbursement for (things like certain packaging materials, customs import costs, and adding embellishments to bookmarks/necklaces, wich all totaled around $1,000, I was paying for out of my own pocket anyway and sought no reimbursement- they were things I was happy to provide for the zines out of love for my passion projects)

If anyone needs to reach out to me privately I can connect you with one of my co-mods to confirm that I covered $2,000 of my own money in zine production/shipping costs- I only say "privately" because I don't want to risk her getting slammed with messages out of nowhere, but please be aware (as evidenced by looking at my archive on here) I'm not on Tumblr much these days, I own my business and it keeps me extremely busy so I rarely have any down time

I still love zines, I still purchase them on a regular basis, so I'm heart-broken that things went the way they did, especially as I had made some really great connections through them that I've now lost due to losing access to my discord, but the mental health crisis I went through during the last year or so of my working on them was very serious and I'm lucky to have had my mom putting safeguards in place that I otherwise wouldn't have had to keep things from getting.... permanent....

If anyone needs to receipt check me, feel free to ask, I don't have access to some of the information anymore like the Bigcartel data as I closed my Bigcartel account ages ago and the data went with it, Awesomemerch also went belly up so certain things that I don't have on emails (like the proofs for some of the orders) aren't available either, but I do still have all of my receipts from every project I've worked on in case anything ever comes up about it and I need to show a papper trail

I know alot of people were upset by what happened, and mostly confused as I dissappeared into the ether and had no way of directing people from my past blog to this one, as- for those who don't know- Tumblr deleted my account in 2021 under false claims of it being a spam account (still boggled by that one to be honest) wich was posted about on many of the zine socials and can be confirmed by several different co-mods, for some reason my personal blog is still up but because it was a sideblog and not my actual account I can't log into it- the login page just says "this account was deactivated" when I try- and I'm extremely sorry that everything unfolded the way it did, but I'm happy and relieved to see that several of the projects I left in my comods' hands did well, that was all I ever cared about

#suicide mention tw #mental health tw

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asagi-red-wolf · 2 years ago

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Headcanon: Stolas + Social Cues

Before I start, this is meant to be more of a HEADCANON than a THEORY- please don’t come into my inbox or onto this post to debunk it, I sincerely do not care, there are 100% completely valid reads on Stolas and concepts like willfull ignorance and even pushing his own agenda out of entitlement- I won’t argue with those reads, so please don’t argue with mine, it’s just my personal opinion as an autistic person with trouble reading social cues myself

The TL;DR is: I think most of Stolas’s Issues with how he interacts with people (primarily Blitz and Octavia, as those are his two most frequent, positive- atleast from Stolas’s side- interactions) is more to do with an inability to understand social cues than anything else

Part 1: Childhood Neglect

Children have to be around, ya' know, people, from a young age to develop social skills- and a big part of those social skills is the ability to read people, but we know for a fact that for the first ten years of his life, Stolas had never interacted with other children and had very scarce interaction with other adults, I don't think that changed until he was in his teens and was forced to be around Stella, but even if I'm wrong, those first ten years kinda sealed his fate anyway because most primary social skills (like reading people) are learned before the age of five- or atleast the primary functions are, nuance obviously comes later, so by the age of ten, Stolas was completely incapable of learning this skill without actively being taught, and we know he sure as hell didn't have that, so he's kinda just.... cooked....

Making matters much, much worse- what interactions he did have in childhood were all either cold, cruel, or both.. with one notable exception we’ll get to later

The butler seemed to be very “professional”...

...Yeah I’m not exactly getting a huge range of emotions from this fella to be honest....

Then you have Paimon, who seems to be mostly in a jovial state when he visits Stolas..... but that peppy mood is punctuated by cruelty, IE: “cease your bitch crying”, that wasn’t really said in anger- he didn’t seem frustrated or pissed off, just mildly annoyed but mostly still in a good mood, this would be a good example of mixed messages: Actions that contradict words or vice versa, for any child it might be hard to understand the idea of someone speaking to them calmly and within a relatively good mood but saying something mean and hurtfull, but to a child who doesn’t have the necessary skills to understand social cues, this becomes it’s own strange normal

Next is Stella, who I personally feel probably didn’t meet Stolas until they were teenagers, but it doesn’t really matter because either way, I don’t think it would have changed much- she’s cold, cruel, and vile from the beginning, Stolas is a very sensitive person with a very gentle disposition, no matter if he met her when he was ten or when he was sixteen, I think it’d be a shock to his system either way, and having to come to terms with the fact that this is the type of person who he’s going to have to have a marriage with had to have taken a big emotional toll, and it’s setting the stage VERY early in conditioning him into a victimized mindset- there is zero opportunity for him to get away from this abusive situation, all he can do is learn how to minimize the pain that comes out of it, and that in and of it’s self leads to having a very..... difficult time learning how to read people, on the good side of things, yes, you learn quickly how to avoid setting off your abuser (...unless ofcourse the abuser is emotionally sporadic) and can learn quickly how to tell when things are about to go from generally calm to “head for cover”.... but it also creates a skewed perception- ESPECIALLY for people who lack relationship experience- for reading people in future relationships, making one either overly cautious.... or attracted to red flags- wich is very clearly Stolas’s case (don’t think I didn’t notice the text that invited Blitz to “be mean to him” in what was VERY clearly an attempt at mediating a sour situation, this is not kink, this is absolutely and 100% a victimized person trying a Fawn Response to get out of more severe consequences- in alot of cases, people in abusive situations would rather suffer a shorter instance of having anger taken out on them (IE: being slapped in the face, screamed at, or berated) than to have their abuser (or anyone in their life for that matter) stay mad at them for an extended period of time (and to be VERY clear, before anyone comes for me, I’m not saying that Blitz is abusing Stolas by any stretch of the imagination, although I will touch on the language used again later, but Stolas’s ONLY mindset in a romantic relationship was specifically curated to be a victimized one, it is the ONLY guidepost he has, and he WILL, by nature, fall into the patterns he developed with Stella with anyone else he has a relationship with until that trauma is dealt with properly and he learns how to have other kinds of interactions with people and how to have a healthy relationship)

And that brings us to the only other childhood interaction that we know of- Blitz: ...And Blitz is confusing even for people who do have social experience, not as much when he was a kid, but still to some small degree, because Blitz, by nature, is rude, crass, and insulting, that can make it really hard to tell if he genuinely likes you or not- take Moxxie for instance, who we know he considers to be part of his family, who he VERY clearly has fondness and affection for (besides all the threeway comments, “Truth Seekers” makes this clear enough).... but he also is often at the butt of Blitz’s jokes, comments, and insults, for no apparent reason at that (we don’t see him treating Millie that way, although, that doesn’t mean that he’s never sharp or rude with her, he just seems to reserve the most of it for Moxxie) I think even people who have a good understanding of social cues would find him hard to figure out, so you take Stolas- who at this point has never had a truly positive interaction with literally anyone to our knowledge- suddenly being treated with atleast some kind of affection and comradary, and he’s just going to assume that ok, yes, this must be how people interact with eachother- he’s never been taught or shown any differently, his father actually has a very similar way of treating him to how Blitz does- he seems to be in a fine mood, isn’t shouting or displaying anger, but he’s casually insulting Stolas and belittling him, so when Stolas’s first ever freind says things like “Your books are boring”, and then proceeds to offer to play a game with him, Stolas’s veiws on this are probably going to skew alot less towards “That was rude” and alot more towards “Oh, this is just how people treat eachother” or at the very least “This is just how people treat me”- and this seems like such small potatoes but the sheer lack of any other interactions Stolas has with people makes every single word important to him and how he develops social skills- and when he’s already leaning into a victimized mindset, this is only going to help it along it’s path

Part 2: The Love Bomb

So Stolas, we can probably deduce, doesn’t have alot of luck with meeting people in adulthood who are, you know, decent to him, if the fact that he’s sidelined at his own party gives any indication, I feel like it’s VERY safe to assume- if not just stating an explicit fact- that Stolas hasn’t had any new positive interactions since that initial playdate with Blitz

So imagine if you will, this scenario:

Blitz is the first person to show Stolas not just any form of freindship, but any form of positive attention at all (excluding Via but we’ll get there), then after over a decade of this still being true, he sneaks into Stolas’s house and within ten minutes of seeing Stolas again, indicates VERY clearly that he wants to sleep with Stolas- who I guarantee, despite living in the Lust ring, does not have any grasp on the concept that wanting to sleep with someone does not automatically mean you have feelings for them, as having feelings for someone- or atleast liking them- seems to be a vital part of Stolas’s own attraction to people and ability to want to sleep with them (we know he doesn’t want to sleep with Stella, per the fact that she proudly admits to essentially assaulting him, and I’m not convinced that his lack of interest in her is entirely due to his sexuality- I personally headcanon that he’s gay, but that isn’t explicitly stated to be true anywhere, and he could easily be bi, pan, or even on the ace spectrum- wich I would not be remotely surprised about, by the way, as a demi person myself- and even if he IS gay, that doesn’t mean he’s automatically incapable of sleeping with a woman or having some enthusiasm to do so- ask a small crowd of gay men and I’ll bet anything that atleast one or two have had genuinely positive sexual interactions with women, especially if they were closeted for an extended period of time)- then after several rounds of sex and Blitz sleeping over, their next interaction is Stolas offering a monthly arrangement and Blitz, albeit with a lukewarm response that can be rightfully chalked up to him trying to avoid being murdered- agrees to it- wouldn’t your perception, until this point, be largely that Blitz still has some level of affinity for Stolas? If this is the only perspective we saw, it makes loads of sense

But this is where things start getting murky

After Blitz’s initial, brisk, agreement, interactions from Blitz’s end are LARGELY mixed in messaging- he’s sharp, cold, and often cruel with the way he speaks to Stolas, but he continues to come over and keep their arrangement anyway, at times initiating himself

or saying that he doesn’t mind when their monthly arrangement comes early

The show makes it VERY fucking clear that besides being extremely kinky (and having kinks that usually seem to line up with eachother quite well) they’re also switches-

(Credit)

Meaning that Blitz doesn’t just do all the giving, he also allows Stolas to top- this is clearly not just about Blitz getting to tie up a royal and feel empowered for once, and it clearly is involving more attention than just a quick bang for the book and running (and for context, the first screencap in this set is meant to indicate that Stolas topping is something Blitz is familiar enough with as a concept that he has to tell Stolas “no” in the beginning of their trip, I don’t think he’d be that cautious if Stolas had exclusively bottomed until this point)

At the same time Blitz also has many times (like the above in Loo Loo Land) when he makes it clear that he doesn’t want to engage in anything sexual, and Stolas has always respected that to atleast a physical degree (even if he often dirty talks and comes onto Blitz when Blitz clearly wishes he wouldn’t, he atleast knows not to do anything handsy when Blitz says “no”, wich is a low bar to step over but still)

But the problem is that Blitz’s attitude and how he responds to Stolas- outside of very clear “yes”es and very clear “no”s- is nearly always hostile, it’s only when Blitz is in a particularly good mood that he seems to be more mild in how he treats Stolas- and that’s often after sex, from what we’ve seen, or after Stolas has done something for Blitz (IE: saving him and I.M.P. in Truth Seekers), Blitz has “resting bitch attitude” to the extreme, his default state is a harsh disposition, and he’s also no stranger to making unwanted sexual advances himself (IE: rather constantly with the M&Ms) and/or being harsh with someone only to then turn around and give enthusiastic consent to sleep with them (IE: Chazz), it wouldn’t surprise me at all if he’s sent several of these mixed messages Stolas’s way on top of the ones we know he’s sending

It’s right back to the beginning of Stolas’s social life with Paimon: His demeanor says one thing but his words say another, when someone is being an asshole but doing it with a smile, are they actually being an asshole or are they just teasing? Some people can’t tell as easily- if at all

Making things worse, until Ozzie’s, there is never a moment when things clearly go on the ice with Blitz, Stolas’s progression of events goes from Blitz being openly affectionate straight into him being cold and hostile, there’s no break in between where Stolas would be able to stop and question if something went wrong, the transition is pretty seamless, because I highly doubt that he knew from the beginning Blitz’s initial seduction of him was disingenuous, Stolas was far too caught off guard for his enthusiasm to be planned- if we want to talk “Stolas Sings” lyrics, I would be willing to bet that that he didn’t start recognizing the “comfortable lie” until after he set up the deal with the book- wich may even be what he’s referring to in the first place, we assume that it’s about Blitz’s affection, but maybe it’s because he knows that he deceived Blitz into trying to force Blitz to spend time with him

The point of this section is simple: Blitz is an emotionally complicated person, and someone who has very little relationship experience isn’t going to have an easy time figuring those emotions out

Part 3: Octavia

For a quick break from the Stolitz Shit Show however, this section is pretty simple- Stolas can’t read Octavia either

The conversation about Loo Loo Land comes up alot, and although I do agree that some of his insistence on Loo Loo Land- despite her CLEAR disinterest in it- comes from the very classic parental problem of wanting to relive something from your child’s early years that made them happy- that now, ofcourse, they find too childish to enjoy- I also feel like he genuinely didn’t know exactly how disinterested in Loo Loo Land she was, I think in some ways he’s sort of written off her general demeanor as “She’s being a teenager”- that, or has internalized it

In many ways, Octavia is both the outlier to the pattern of people around him, and also falling exactly in step with the pattern as well

On the one hand she was the only person to ever show him consistent, enthusiastic, unconditional love and affection, this makes her the outlier to all of his other relationships, he may or may not chalk this up to a father/daughter bond, though I tend to believe he does given the emphasis he tries to place on being a doting dad, but it doesn’t really matter why- she just is

Or.... was.....

Because as of recent, I would assume since puberty hit- although we technically don’t know this for a fact- Octavia has slipped into the same disinterest of having Stolas around as everyone else around him- atleast on the surface

Like Paimon, Stella, and later Blitz, she tends to be cold to him, at times hurtfull (even though she very obviously doesn’t mean to be; IE: the band she’s listening to being called “Fuck You Dad” and making a point of telling him that), and rarely shows him any truly positive interactions (with Star Seekers being one of those noted exceptions) Stolas could group this in with the mentality that this is just how everyone treats him, but given how long he had Octavia’s very enthusiastic and unconditional joy at being around him, I tend to believe that he’s just chalking it up to her being a teenager- and, fair, that IS actually alot to do with it, so I’m willing to bet that he tends to see her.... less than thrilled attitude through a sort of lens that keeps that in mind, like rose colored glasses almost, keeping himself aware that she’s a teenager and is going to be grumpier than she used to be, but she has no reason not to still love him ....right?

The problem with that, obviously, is that it waters down everything she says and does, it allows him to- intentionally or unintentionally- read her cold response as more of a lukewarm response, essentially turning a “no” more into a “maybe”- wich obviously leads to quite alot of misunderstandings and Stolas trying to push things that he shouldn’t be pushing under the beleif that she still enjoys them, but just is in Grumpy Teenager Mode and isn’t going to express that enjoyment as openly as she used to

This doesn’t so much fit in with his usual trouble reading people as it is it’s own thing, but I think they fit together to create a more cohesive understanding of why exactly he has such a hard time understanding what seem to us to be very clear emotional indicators

Part 4: Conclusion

The thing is, we know Stolas is incredibly smart, so this isn’t just empty-headedness, and it isn’t always something that works in his benefit- IE: when he’s initially kidnapped by Striker and doesn’t seem to realize he’s really in any danger until Striker actually verbally indicates that he is-

(granted it was probably the evil laugh but still)

The fact that he didn’t process that he was really in any danger until this moment could come from him just depending on Blitz to save him until now.... but that doesn’t really work, as at his “Oh shit” moment, he still believes Blitz is on his way to save him- it took Striker CLEARLY indicating that he was confident in his ability to kill Stolas to convince Stolas that he may have a point, despite the fact that he’s been tied up with angelic rope and should have gleamed that much sooner

From my own experience as an autistic person, reading people is a nightmare, and I WAS socialized well and taught very good social skills from a mother who’s naturally very good at socializing, but I still can’t tell half the time when someone is joking with me, even if it’s clear to other people, still ask people- completely out of the blue to them- if they’re angry with me because I can’t tell the difference between someone being quiet and someone being mad, still have to outright ask half the time if someone is being sarcastic or literal, and even as of my early 20s, was so sure that (what I see NOW to be) a very clearly scripted interveiw with an actor was serious that I made a cringey Tumblr post begging people to let him sleep because I thought he was being woken up by his castmates every five minutes

I think this is one of those things neurotypical people often take for granted, but for austies and other neurodivergent people (or people like Stolas who suffered severe emotional neglect and abuse and didn’t exactly develop the way he should have) reading basic social cues can sometimes be like trying to put together a Rubiks Cube, and when you compound that issue with people who- for one reason or another, be it teenage angst or a snarky disposition or parental neglect- aren’t all that clear with their signals to begin with, you just end up with someone who’s pretty fucking confused all the time about their emotional place with the people around them

Again, there are other totally valid reads on this situation out there, this is just my own personal headcanon but then I headcanon both Blitz and Stolas as being autistic anyway because honestly have you met them?

#stolas #helluva boss #stolitz #ish #headcanon #is there a helluva positive tag?

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