ash-lysandra

[ash-lysandra]

more animal jam!!!!

🐰🐰🐰

💜💜💜

[ash-lysandra]

it fun getting back into animal jam!!! I gots cotton candy and ders a carnival too!!!

🍬🍬🍬

💜💜💜

[ash-lysandra]

Love is hard. It's agonizing, hopeful, emotional. So many emotions go into one, yet I don't understand it entirely. Why does the one I love seem so close but so far? I'm stumbling my way through new territory that's uncharted. Unseen. It's lonely wanting to make efforts that go unnoticed or ignored. I'm respecting his wants and needs. What about me? What about what I want want and need?

I give him space and respect his boundaries. I never wanted to go backwards. He did. He gave me hope of us being together again. He crushed it. Crushed everything. He cares, but he doesn't love me. I don't think he will again. That's the scary part of it all. The hope is still there, no matter how small the flame is. It's barely an ember. I don't know why it hasn't gone out. I think it's because I'm not ready to let go.

There have been wonderful moments. Happy memories full of love. I don't want us to become a distant memory. We were together for two years. We fought for each other. I never wanted to end up like this. Even though the hope was crushed, I feel that ember burning inside trying to light the fire.

I can't handle the heartbreak because I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm isolated on this island trying to survive. My family is the cause of all of this. They are the ones who put a strain on our relationship. For two years it was like that. I can't tell them about this because he and I are figuring things out. Taking a step back was good at first, but now I feel like we're pulling further and further apart. Maybe giving him space will help him realize his feelings and love for me...

All the questions: Does he love me? Am I enough? Is he happy with me? Does he want to be with me? Does he see a future for us? They are constantly going through my mind. Echoing doubts and uncertainty.

Hope is dangerous. This tiny ember, burning bright, igniting a dangerous fire that could easily be snuffed out.

In the end, I'll either be overjoyed or crushed depending on the outcome of this break.

[ash-lysandra]

hope

desire and optimism are dangerous things

they can consume your heart

consume your mind

even your thoughts

it leads you on—thinking there’s a future

—there isn’t one

a joy, a want that has taken root so deep

not even a skilled gardner can uproot it properly

it was ripped out

creating a hole in the soil

roots broken—left there to rot and fester

waiting for those drops of rain

drops of joy

drops of optimism

drops of desire

drops of a want for a future

water that sustains the life source is scarce

the roots are withering away

day after day getting drier

cool replenishing water splashes the earth

the soil sucking up the water as a life line

a cycle on repeat

how much can one heart take?

how many times can it lose to the water?

wanting to replenish—grow to what it once was

a new seed might take root

repair what is broken

new ones where the old ones died

[ash-lysandra]

the well

a well grows deeper and deeper

yet one does not dwell long there

the hole festering

innocence ruined

ruined by others

dropping forgotten memories and conversations

ignorant of the well

all of them falling inside

splashing, sending ripples, wakening

uncontrollable weight added

displacing the sweet nectar of the earth

filling volumes of it with poison

grime, thorns, broken glass

impacting the well's livelihood

nothing good can come from it

if only a helping hand can use a bucket to scoop out:

the lies

the forgotten words

the forgotten memories

the grime

the thorns

the glass

the water is rising

bubbling to the surface

overflowing to the point of destruction

the stone isn't strong enough

[ash-lysandra]

Quotes from The Spellshop by Sarah Beth Durst

"It wasn't that she didn't like people. It was only that she liked books more. They didn't fuss or judge or mock or reject. They invited you in, fluffed up the pillows on the couch, offered you tea and toast, and shared their hearts with no expectation that you'd do anything more than absorb what they had to give." (7) "Of course knowledge is dangerous." "But ignorance is even more dangerous. In this case, ignorance means failure, and failure means no food, no way to stay here, and nowhere else to go." (66)

[ash-lysandra]

I think my game is glitching?! Every time I take a picture it does this 😂

💖💖💖

[ash-lysandra]

The bobcats are back!!! I never knew there was a cut scene for them leaving the disco since I never stayed or came when they left.

Also last five minutes of the pride fest and the summer festival!!!!

💖💖💖

[ash-lysandra]

Th crabs disappeared!!! I’m sad now…

😭😭😭

🦀🦀🦀

[ash-lysandra]

Crabs dancing part 2!!!

🦀🦀🦀

[ash-lysandra]

Crabs coming onto the dance floor?!! Part 1

🦀🦀🦀

[ash-lysandra]

Th bob cats have left the disco… I didn’t expect there to be a cut scene with them leaving 😭

[ash-lysandra]

Writing Prompt

If you were to lose your first love, what would your reaction be? Would you keep them close as a friend? Could you even bear to switch from lovers to friends? Would it pain you more to have them as a friend or to never see them again?

[ash-lysandra]

Why does losing someone hurt? Breaking up after fighting two whole years for each other was unimaginable. I never imagined in my life I would lose someone I was close to. I shared everything with them and gave them all my firsts. What do I get in return? Lost feelings. He lost feelings for me and guess I lost some too in the end.

It hurts going from lovers to friends. Now I understand why some people keep their ex-lovers close. It is hard to let someone go who became your best friend. Your confidant in all things.

Is it sad to say that my heart isn’t breaking? Maybe I’m still in shock from last night. My love is still there but I don’t feel like I’m drowning in sorrow or heartbreak. I am sad and don’t want this change to happen where we change our nightly calls and texts to those of friends. Calling less and texting less.

I’ll get through it, but it’s an adjustment I’m willing to make because we still care deeply for one another. We still want each other in our lives. It’ll not be easy calling each other by our first names since we used other names (baby,love, etc.). I don’t want this change because I thought we would be together forever.

Maybe things will change back to how they were. It’s just wishful thinking hoping I won’t have to endure losing my first love.

[ash-lysandra]

Part two of dancing!!! Casually syncing dances with two girls!!!

💙💙💙

[ash-lysandra]

I love dancing at the disco!!!! It’s so fun when the horses join in on the fun!!!

💛💛💛

🐴🐴🐴

[ash-lysandra]

I’m in love with all of these horses at the Fort Pinta beach!!! They are all so pretty and I love looking at them!! Especially Monarch and Luna looking so beautiful as a butterfly and moth!!

💛💛💛

🦋🦋🦋