ashens-thoughts

[ashens-thoughts]

Hurry up and hate me already. I’m tired of waiting.

[ashens-thoughts]

I think I should cut everyone off. I’m deteriorating to a point I don’t know if I’ll survive to the next test, let alone to an actual treatment. If I burn all the bridges, they won’t have to know I died.

[ashens-thoughts]

I feel like bashing my head into something. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.

[ashens-thoughts]

Some people really need to realize that sometimes “just being happy for them” means not caring about them. Okay, sure, I can just be happy in my responses to your self harming practices, but that means I don’t care about you. In fact, my harshest words are reserved for the people I care about. I am fucking begging you to not hurt yourself, because it hurts me when you’re hurt.

[ashens-thoughts]

I don’t want to be a person any more. I don’t think I even am. I’m just a vessel holding rotten flesh. Why do I bother with anything as if I care about anything. There’s only rot inside me. I can’t keep pretending I care when I don’t have the right chemicals to care about anything. Nothing matters.

[ashens-thoughts]

At what point do you give up on friendship. At what point do you just admit you can’t do it right and no one will ever be enough. At what point is it over and at what point do you admit it.

[ashens-thoughts]

Having so much trouble with eating is really starting to get to me. I’m having dreams of all my teeth falling out with chunks of my mouth going too and seeing other people eating really good food with me trying to steal spoonfuls.

[ashens-thoughts]

I think I’m not good at being a friend or anything really because I can’t stand myself or others for very long. My ultimate desire is to force everyone to be exactly how I want them to be and it’s incredibly unfair how upset I get that they’re not following my rules.

[ashens-thoughts]

I’m sick of the world not caring about each other. I’m sick of every chance to be cruel that’s taken by people who claim to be good and loving.

[ashens-thoughts]

I’m at the point where not even my friends give a shit about my writing and I might cry.

[ashens-thoughts]

S/O: Aren’t you going to help me make the bed?

Me, who gets breathless stretching just so my joints hurt less: ?? No??

They leave the room with an annoyed expression.

Me: ???

[ashens-thoughts]

Really love being ignored by everyone. Why the fuck do I have followers if no one gives a shit about my writing?

[ashens-thoughts]

Oh god they contacted me and I was so relieved I almost started crying.

I’m so fucking upset. The one person I felt some kinship with in posting work like mine has basically shown me the door. How the fuck am I supposed to care about this shit any more?

[ashens-thoughts]

I’m so fucking upset. The one person I felt some kinship with in posting work like mine has basically shown me the door. How the fuck am I supposed to care about this shit any more?

[ashens-thoughts]

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong. I’m too disgusting for the gross writers and not disgusting enough for the hardcore writers. One website is cool with me and I can’t convince anyone else to use it. Not to mention I’m fucking ass at marketing myself and don’t have the money or effort to put into doing better.

[ashens-thoughts]

I am so selfish and greedy, but I’m wondering why I’m not worth the fucking effort.

[ashens-thoughts]

I’m a useless human. I can’t make anyone feel better and everyone I care about needs help.