ask-carrier-kaiju

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

((this was originally a reply on Cohost, but that site is being lost, so))

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

// Since you asked

// First of all, before I answer this question, a small update: I am now out of the desert! I am now back safe at home, getting a shower and rinsing all the sand out of my chassis.

// This is "my" dimension, but I can still answer questions routed through the Media Satellite. The wonders of modern technology!

// To your question, though. The prospect of dating a human much smaller than us is intriguing enough that many Kaiju have expressed interest in trying such a thing. Mint, Saffron, and myself would all be thrilled to meet new people.

// Of course, we can't date anons. First of all, that's a security gap the Darkworld Navy wouldn't tolerate. Second, it's just awfully impersonal.

// Speaking of personal - I can only speak for myself on this, but, I must forewarn you that dating me might be something of a tough prospect. Outside of my smooth and hard exterior plating, my - <!> CONTENT BLOCKED.

// Oh. Hold on, one moment. Let me just...

// CONTENT FILTER: OFF

// Now, where was I?

// Oh right, I remember!

// You ought to know that a date with me is conditional upon whether or not you would allow me the opportunity, nay, privilege, to immerse your body in my vulvar fuel nodes.

// You won't be melted, not to worry! The churning of your biological form amidst the groaning, sloppy depths of my oily, astringent creases would be relatively nonhazardous in the long term! And quite likely to be no worse than a mild sunburn in the short term.

// Your tiny, vulnerable body would be ceremoniously processed through velvety, baggy tubing, each pungent synthetic compound secreted by my dilated sexual chamber creating a chemical reaction of which your human form would be firsthand tactile audience!

// Only once you spent an entire six-hour cycle being slurped through the circuitous rubbery depths of my synthetic intimates, being softened and hydraulically vacuum-sealed in my flooded quasi-uterine passages would I truly be comfortable with you enough to even consider a second date.

// Of course, such an experience would be quite difficult to 'wash off', so to speak. While harmless, it could very well leave stains on your skin not unlike a tattoo, not to mention the smell. Chemically speaking, most of the substances involved don't dissolve in or react with water, so they would likely persist and have noticeable smell for months at least.

// But it would be so fun. And quite a scientific experience, as well. If our dates go well, you might even see full-time work cleaning my rear maintenance hatches and polishing the interior of my fuel processing tracts (which would entail being eaten). But it is all quite intimate and safe, so long as you aren't squeamish around heavy machinery, girls, or girls who are heavy machinery.

// Oh, and I might also want to try making you cum just by pressing on you with my 350,000 metric-tonne concrete-framed hind-hoof sandals. I'm calibrated for very impressive levels of precision, and I've always wanted to try that. #

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

// REJOICE!!

// I may still be lost in this gods-forsaken desert, but I bring good news to the curious civilian!

// Kaiju of all sizes, shapes, and kinds share a predilection for minuscule precise contact not dissimilar to the mammalian petting instinct.

// This instinct, of course, would be liability in combat scenarios, so for Patrol, Bunker, and Combat shifts, we suppress such instincts via Kaiju medicines. Testing, Training, and Photoshoots have no such needs, though, so those are always delightful.

// Yes, even me! My quasi-porcelain synthetic exterior and steel weaves may be a bit colder to touch than some of my fellow Kaiju, but even I am positively alight at the sensation of even solitary humans, let alone your much weightier and impressive aircraft!

// Thank you ever so much for your curiosity! Your inquiries are an oasis of intellectual stimulation in a desert of... well, this desert, I suppose. #

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

// REJOICE!!

// I may still be lost in this gods-forsaken desert, but I bring good news to the curious civilian!

// Kaiju of all sizes, shapes, and kinds share a predilection for minuscule precise contact not dissimilar to the mammalian petting instinct.

// This instinct, of course, would be liability in combat scenarios, so for Patrol, Bunker, and Combat shifts, we suppress such instincts via Kaiju medicines. Testing, Training, and Photoshoots have no such needs, though, so those are always delightful.

// Yes, even me! My quasi-porcelain synthetic exterior and steel weaves may be a bit colder to touch than some of my fellow Kaiju, but even I am positively alight at the sensation of even solitary humans, let alone your much weightier and impressive aircraft!

// Thank you ever so much for your curiosity! Your inquiries are an oasis of intellectual stimulation in a desert of... well, this desert, I suppose. #

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

((A couple sprites of Saff I did to try out a few things. The one on the right uses the same pixel ratios as Madeline from Celeste, albeit a tiny bit taller.))

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

Off she goes...

// While it may be true that I owe my current appearance to others, don't we all? Every atom in the human body is replaced over the course of seven years as a part of the cycle of your metabolism. One way of looking at it is that my "atoms" are simply a lot larger and more visible than yours, in a manner of speaking.

// Another way of putting it would be to say, 'Who built Ivory? My mama'! But that's not a very helpful answer, even if that's the shortest and most efficient answer.

// Perhaps I should consult the internet for analogous concepts. Oh, wait, I know! I don't even need to search, I know this one.

// In the Film Theory video on Pixar's Cars, host MatPat proposes that the vehicles are not robotics, but organics: insects made of steel instead of chitin. My anatomy could be understood to be similar to that. slugs : beetles :: other kaiju : me.

// There are many (read: about sixteen) bodily archetypes we Kaiju fall into, anatomically speaking. Some are quite similar to each other, while others alter almost every aspect of the outward appearance. I am an "Estaloid" Kaiju, which results in my robotically-oriented anatomical quirks. Saffron is a "Unicorn" Kaiju. The terms are oriented towards equine Kaiju, but felid, canid, bovid, and cervid Kaiju can all have the same archetypes.

// Within the Darkworld Navy's classification serial numbers, our species is denoted by the first letter, followed by a number indicating our archetype. So, 'B7' in my serial number is "Bovine 7", or an Estaloid Bovine. A sheep, specifically.

// Ah, woops. I think I should have made a turn a couple minutes ago. I get passionate about scientific topics, you understand. Thank you for the question! It's nice to have something to focus on aside from all the sand. #

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

// Good Afternoon.

// This is Unit B7R-3. You can call me Ivory if you like. I seem to have gotten a bit lost, so my supervisors have given me temporary access to Saffron's Informational Outreach social media account.

// Happy Pride Month, by the way. Don't worry, Saffron will still be able to answer questions. I'll just have remote access for the time being. I'm sure you can think of some questions for me that Saff would otherwise struggle to answer on her own. She's a bit of a jock, you see. I'll try to be concise in any messages I respond to. Don't worry about limiting your questions, however. Anything you would be willing to ask Saff, I'll accept, as well. Please be patient with us, it's a bit hard to read text that's built for human-scales with so much sand in the air sometimes.

// Please, don't mind the scale difference. We are quite well-oriented in human-Kaiju interactions.

// Nice to meet you all! #

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

June 3, 2024 (aka: Ivory)

Emergency situation. Mangrove tidal barrier compromised. Coastal defense walls 84, 85, 95, 98, 111, 112, 113, 119, 120, 129, 131, 138, and 148 breached. All fleets within 20 kilometers of -

click

"It's around the Bunker 8 area this time. Who's on patrol right now?"

"E13S-4, E2C-17, Ce11L-3, Ce11L-4, and Mauve, it looks like."

"Only one carrier? That's…rough. Any Rotocarriers available for support?"

"…one should be in the Bunker 5 area, last I checked."

"B7R-3. That's…Ivory. I'll page Bunker 5."

…

…

"Hey. What the hell."

"What? What's going on?"

"Where's Ivory?"

"You mean they can't find her?"

"She's completely AWOL. 5, 8, NOBODY knows where she is. She's supposed to be right there, but she's just…somewhere else, I guess! And nobody knows where! She's still on Darkworld somewhere!"

"Yeah, that's weird. It's not like a 1000-ft sheep Kaiju could just wander off unnoticed. So…"

"Where the hell is Ivory?"

Ivory looked around. Beach that way. Beach the other way. Sand as far as she could see.

Where the hell was she? This is… a desert. And there's the ocean here, so…

How did it get like this? She just wandered off for a second.

'// Ok', she thought. '// Don't overthink this. There has to be a way to remotely get in contact with someone. // Wait, Saffron! Of course. She got a new job recently.

"// Communications centre; left roto-partial. Can you connect me to the satellite messaging network?"

A second or so passed. The aircraft-carrier platform on her port side stirred with human activity for a moment, then a message from its air traffic tower.

"That's out of our range, sorry."

"// Hm. Maybe I could do it?"

"Oh, right, we can fly you up. 3 kilometers off the surface should be enough for you, correct?"

"// It's worth a shot. Thank you, admiral. You are the smallest and best human. End transmission#"

The rotors flared to life, propellors spinning with immense force, kicking up sand below. She felt the numerous invisibly small grains fly every which way, some creeping into her joints. Ick. Gross. She'd need a shower later.

She flew upwards, lifted by what to her were handbag-sized flying aircraft-carrier platforms along her sides, feeling the desert heat and wind give way to cooler, clearer air above. About six times her height in the air, she felt a tingle along her ears.

"There you are!! Ivory, you missed a battle, we were looking for you!"

"// Oh!! Oh no, super sorry. Nobody got hurt, right?"

"Thankfully not. We…got Amber to pick up some of the slack. She's going to be quite…enthusiastic about her performance for a while."

"// Thank goodness. I hope you don't mind me asking, and this might sound weird, but…do you know where I am?"

"…well, I can check your positioning signal, and - you're on the opposite side of Darkworld. How did you get over there? That's obscenely far away."

"// I suppose my mind just wandered while I was on patrol. I was thinking over some of those experiment results from the other day. Say, so I don't get lost on my way back, can you patch me through to Saff's Media Shift satellite relay?"

"I guess so."

"// Just trying to be courteous."

"Ok, it's done. Try not to wander off again, okay?"

"// Yes, sir! Of course, sir! #"

Ivory lowered back down to the ground, impacting the sand, and beginning her slow, meandering trek back, stepping over artificial riverbank encampments and manmade oases as she went. Kind of a big desert, even for her.

~~~

Let’s zoom out a bit.

Ivory, otherwise known as Unit B7R-3, is a ‘Rotocarrier’, a classification given to Kaiju that haul ships designed for autonomous flight. Given they approximate the size of certain aircraft carriers, these ships are the largest flight-capable vehicles mankind has ever created. To separate them into clean halves, and sandwich a Kaiju in the middle makes their feat of flight even more impressive.

There are more interesting things about Ivory than just that, but a picture is worth a thousand words. We'll uplink you with Ivory shortly. During this time, both Ivory and Saffron will handle Media Shift communications. Get along.

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

Poke the Bear

(Question deferred from: Unit F2C-9; to: Unit F4C-2.)

…

(Question rejected. Returning to last address…)

Saffron: "Oh. She's…y-yeah. So…Mauve is…kind of complicated. She was the last Kaiju to finish the 'Cadet' program, which has since been deprecated. She was…a lot like me, once! Had a ton of human friends, knew 'em all by name, was always talking about expanding Kaiju-human relations, and she worked harder than anyone!

Then…well…I'm not sure what happened, since it was before I joined, but Mauve all of a sudden stopped coming back home, rarely leaves her bunker, and she fights without any ships on her, at least from what I hear. Which is impressive! Don't get me wrong, hauling the ships helps a lot! While we Kaiju are really big, we can only do so much, reach so far. Cannons and missiles and stuff help a lot, and it's good to have a team behind us.

But Mauve…doesn't do that any more! Doesn't talk to humans at all any more, as far as I know. Simple as that, I guess.

S-sorry…"

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

The Question on Everyone's Minds

Eh? What kind of question is - Oh for fuck's sake!!

Right after I put you on the list of Frequent, Verified Correspondents, you immediately misuse the privilege to be a PERV!!

Now look what you've done! The Bunker Crew think your question was so good, they had to test it while I was dozing off. It's not like I can just yoink my underwear out from their cranes without causing motion alarms to go off, y'know!! Now I have to wait, pantyless, for these nerds to finish using construction cranes to weigh my second-favorite pair of panties. Utterly ridiculous. I hope you're happy.

…24000 tonnes. There! Satisfied?

…augh, they plugged the numbers into some basic kinetic-energy physics problems, even. Frickin' engineers. What a bunch of eggheads.

Okay, okay. I'll read their findings. Ahem.

The dimensions of the waistband notwithstanding, the most interesting physical dimension of the garment in question is its thickness, which is approximately 1.4 meters, or 4.5 ft. That's around shoulder-high for someone who's 5'8''.

They'd cover a couple city blocks if draped over rooftops.

They weigh just under half of what the Titanic weighed. They weigh the same as certain small cargo ships.

Assuming a negligible air friction and a uniform mass distribution (such as that of an iron ball), an equivalent 24000 metric-ton mass would, when dropped from around my hip-level, take about 5.5 seconds to hit the ground, and would land with 36.3 gigajoules of energy. That's eight and a half tons of TNT.

Of course, given the soft and elastic nature of the fabric, the fibers' dampening force, and the high drag forces associated, me dropping my panties would NOT be as dangerous as such a comparison implies.

Hm. Hey, correspondent! Maybe, since you were the pervy tiny who asked, You can field-test these measurements yourself! I'm sure I can…'persuade' the Commander to let me use the bomb-test range to see what happens when I drop my undies on a horny geek!!!

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

Look up! Surprise!

Awwh, geez. I'm no good at explaining this kind of astronomical stuff. Ok. Tell you what, gimme a couple minutes and I'll draw a diagram that'll explain it better than I could, even in a million years. Even if I'm not the best at drawing either…ehehe.

…Okay, here we go!

The "Darkbanded Simulacrum Hypersatellite", Darkworld for short, is a ring that sits between Earth and Mars' orbits. It simulates day and night through a series of solar-panel bands that pass over each region in increments that almost match up with a 24-hour cycle. I hope this helps clear up any weird or ambiguous statements you might've been confused by, like the population of Darkworld being higher than Earth, as well as why Darkworld has such an expansive coastline that needs defending.

I don't know all the intricate details of how it works, myself. You'll probably have to ask a human on that one!

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

Sunday! Sunday!

Let's get one thing square: the Fish armadas don't run on our weekly schedule, they're not gonna show up at 9 sharp on a monday just because it's convenient. They can show up at any time, so there's a vigil available every day, and Patrol shifts run 24/7. Well, as close to 24/7 as Darkworld runs on, anyway.

But of course, all of us do get time off. And now that Command's let me do Media Shift any ol' time I like, I can answer askbox questions in my underwear, and nobody can stop me.

We've already gone over my kinkier hobbies, so I'll spare you the details of what I rub my hips on and when. It makes the admirals and such happier when I stay wholesome, anyway.

Most Kaiju, including me, go home and do regular free time hangouts with our fellow Kaiju. Of course, sometimes we'll spend a day off on Darkworld instead, playing around in the waters or near you tiny folks' cities (gently, of course.) Everybody likes making new friends, and I get the privilege of making friends that are about a thousand times smaller than I am, so I'm not gonna waste a chance as cool as that. I've been getting into construction assistance, lately. I really like theme parks, and roller coasters, and big water monuments, like dams, or canals. New goal lately is to help build a ride I can participate in, even if I know I'm too big to ride, of course.

Of course, everybody else's hobbies are all over the place, too, but I haven't had time to catch up in a minute, what with the new job-shift and all.

Hey, I've got an idea!! Why don't you ask my other pals what they do, and they can tell you? I bet Mint would love to answer! And Mauve…err…maybe not Mauve. Mauve can be a little closed off sometimes. But say, you haven't even had a chance to meet Ivory or Amber or Ginger or Sable, have you? And those are just my friends! Ahahaha…! Oh, gee, I forgot I have permissions to defer my inbox to associated correspondents as a function of my Media-Shift responsibilities. I totally could have introduced them way earlier-!

Tell you what, I'll cut this ask off here, and you promise me you'll leave some more questions for me 'n my pals, ok? Deal!

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

"But Who Wins!"

You must realize how silly this question is. Do you know off the top of your head who the tallest human is? Probably not, right?

Wait a minute, I recall receiving this question already. Let me check...

It's you. You're the confused correspondent. Did you actually ask the same question again after figuring out you missed out on where Darkworld is the first time? Well, good on ya for realizing your mistake! We'll award you a spot on our Frequent Correspondents board.

Ahem. For complete clarification on the distributions of Kaiju:

Our home dimension, which for simplicity's sake let's just call Kaiju-Terra from here on, houses most of us! We have a largely equivalent population to...Earth's human population! Kaiju here have a "natural" distribution, that broadly ranges as far as 50 meters and goes to 3000 meters, though a plurality (majority?) of Kaiju are in the 1000-2000 meter range.

In your dimension, on planet Earth, there are no Kaiju, because that would be really expensive and impractical.

Also in your dimension, on Darkworld, are a select group of Kaiju in the Darkworld Naval Fleet. About 60-ish of us, last I knew. The size range of Kaiju selected for the Fleet is set by what is practical for the purposes of hauling ship-partials, meaning the distribution of sizes is slightly constricted.

It's like this: Corvettes and Specialty Vessels can be matched with Kaiju in a range around 60m to 140m. Submarines can be matched with Kaiju around 150m to 400m. Destroyers can be matched with Kaiju around 100m to 250m. Rotocarriers can be matched with Kaiju around 250 to 550m. And Supercarriers can be matched with Kaiju around 900-1800m.

There's a bit of leniency, but that's how it is! Bunkers are assigned by location on Darkworld, but their number corresponds inversely to size of contained Kaiju! So, Bunker 4 is my bunker alone, but Bunker 10 contains multiple smaller Kaiju! and Bunkers 2 and 3 belong to the only two Kaiju in the Navy bigger than me (in terms of pure height, anyway).

One of them is Mauve, who is in Bunker 3. She's 1800 meters tall, 200 meters taller than me, more or less.

And in Bunker 2 is Sterling! Who...is 2000 meters tall. He...um. Is decommissioned, at present time, on account of, he is comatose.

And nobody is in Bunker 1. I don't know the story behind that one. Uhh.

...

Uhh, some folks from Command are pinging my earpiece that I ought to stop talking about this. UH!! S-sorry, don't ask me about "who's the biggest kaiju" any more, t-thank you!

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

This is All She's Gonna Think About For Ten Weeks

Don't get the wrong idea! Like all military organizations, the Darkworld Navy conducts a psychological assessment before recruiting, even for Kaiju! So it's not like there's a bunch of Kaiju with a kink for all of you teeny humans. Of course.

Now, mind you, a kink is a sexualized neurodevelopmental fixation stemming from emotionally-charged responses to weird, novel, or uncomfortable situations! And there's plenty of kooky TV where we come from too. So we're not any more or less kinky than a human, on average. Probably.

But I'm not a "kinkster". I think about playing rough sometimes, but I don't have any hangups or weird fetishes! So don't worry about me! Ehehehe…

(Commander's Notes: It behooves us to disclose that Unit F2C-9 (Saffron) routinely, both during and outside of work: a) exhibits fascinations with scientific, hospital, and laboratory settings; b) expresses interest in being or pretending to be internally-operated military hardware, including and especially fictionalized instances such as mechasuits or the Trojan horse; c) shows flustered behavior regarding human waterparks, slides, trams, and explorable monuments, even going as far as to ask if she could commission, quote, "some kind of people funnel?", unquote. d) We are relatively certain that in addition to her boastful sexual attitude and practice of BDSM-like degradation and mockery, Saffron has a kink for endosoma.

Unit F2C-9 is covertly X-rayed during her end-of-shift Bunker period to ensure she has not secretly acted on this desire without telling anyone. Frequent X-rays would be a safety concern for humans, but are of negligible risk to Kaiju.

Dictated but not read, the Commander.)

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

Send asks! Our inbox isn't "empty", but we want questions from you, yes YOU reading this. What part of Human Outreach did you miss? Everybody human and human-adjacent (heck, I dunno what the population of Earth looks like!) ought to satiate your curiosity!!

Of course you...CAN also ask about me. Or just be mischievous and ask about my butt or something. I don't really "control" what questions get past the boys in Satellite Communications.

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

Adequate Compensation

Look, private time is for Kaiju with less to show off than I do. But you probably want a more involved answer, don't you? Okie doke.

Let's address the trivial misconceptions, first. There are no Kaiju on Earth; just on Darkworld, as far as I know. Earth doesn't need naval assistance, there's little room on a planet that size for us, and the interdimensional infrastructure necessary to get a Kaiju to Earth is far more resource hassle than it would be worth to anyone. Unless they haven't told me something above my pay grade, Kaiju as far as I know only exist in two places: Our home dimension, and Darkworld, in your dimension.

To answer the core of your question, whether we go back home or make room where we are? Both are good options! The Bunkers are pretty cozy once you get used to them. They retain our body heat pretty well. Your beaches and civic areas are all quite scenic and pleasant, too! And yeah, we can go back to our home dimension whenever our shift is over, and with exception to emergencies we can take a break whenever.

As for that first point, "Private" is a bit of stretch, to put it mildly. It's more like "payment". Or did you never think about what you little people bring to the table that we Kaiju would spend our time defending your shores from hordes of aquatic monsters? Outside of the disparate resource atomic composition which has led to new materials back home (and vice versa, y'all have gotten some use out of Kaiju-universe materials), the main component of this agreement between our cultures is an exchange of labor!

See, y'all lil dudes have need of big folk, and we have plenty of jobs that need small and precision labor! Division of this labor is an entire complicated process too wordy and boring for me to get into right now, but suffice it to say that individual Kaiju are paid in man-hours, which we may cash in to get y'all to work on something for us. I get paid 35000 MH a week! In other words, I can get 5000 people to do something for 7 hours, or 500 people to work on something for 70 hours, et cetera! And I don't have to spend them all at once, I can save them up and get 20 people to help me out for a few hours here and there if I want.

Such as, for instance, just spitballing here, twice-a-week sado-degradation sessions where I get to mock grizzled heli-cargo pilots for not being able to haul off my underwear even with the might of a 20000 horsepower copter that can lift up 20 tonnes (four elephants) and get it to 250km/h (155mph).

A girl's got to get creative sometimes.

[ask-carrier-kaiju]

A Clarification of Scale

Let's start with the math answer!

So, first of all, I've said in a previous answer that "the smallest Kaiju are 60 meters, which is the size of the Statue of Liberty, minus the pedestal" and the biggest are 2000 meters. This range only pertains to Kaiju employed in the Darkworld Navy. In our home dimension, most of us are around my scale, in the 1000-2000 meter range, but some are smaller than 50 meters, and some are bigger than 3000! It's a lot more rare, though.

Now, let's talk math.

Side-on size comparisons like this are helpful, but they can be deceptive sometimes. In general, things appear way bigger in real life than they do in a side-on size comparison like this. A two-story house is relatively huge, explorable.

Anyway, now let's examine a 60-meter Kaiju.

To a 60 meter Kaiju, humans look about an inch tall, and a house is like a milk crate. But an inch is very handleable, I'd bet you handle things smaller than that all the time without thinking about it.

Now, to a 500-ish meter Kaiju like Mint, a two-story house is half an inch tall. so a human is still somewhere in the 1/8th of an inch ballpark! That's still doable for those of us Kaiju with digits instead of hooves. Plenty of bugs are smaller than that.

And I'm about three times as tall as Mint, so even I wouldn't call humans specks! 2 millimeters, is the closest reasonable approximation. Basically, I can still discern details in humans, gestures, the works. And with cooperation and careful movement, I can even handle you practically, too!

Ahem.

Whew, that was a lot.

As for the "me" answer, I won't get into specifics, but I like humans quite a bit! Aside from the Commander, I also have a few human friends, and even unfamiliar people are fun to interact with! I can feel you and chat just fine! We Kaiju still see you as significant, that's why we're helping out in the first place! That, and the rewards are really fun~ Feel free to ask for details later! I'd love to get into specifics about how I handle and interact with you lil folks! :3