ask-the-praetors

[ask-the-praetors]

Urabrask

If you became Father of Machines, are there any particular planes you would want to set up trade deal with?

I do not wish to become Father of Machines.

I loathe talking to strangers. It is difficult enough to coordinate sector management, much less negotiate trade deals. I simply do not have the patience or the charisma for that. Were I in charge of diplomacy, I fear the others would end up missing their heads before long.

Not that Elesh Norn is doing any better of a job. Perhaps no one should have all of Phyrexia's power at their hands at all.

-U

[ask-the-praetors]

GITAXIAS. PUT DOWN YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE SCALPEL. IT IS PRIDE MONTH. EVEN YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. -V

What is it now, you slobbering slimeball? You want me to make like. Gay Phyrexians? What. -J

NOT QUITE. -V

(The remaining content appears to be tastefully censored.)

[ask-the-praetors]

(He crunches on the rat between his teeth. The cat has climbed up his forelimb and is walking about on his furred shoulders.)

SMALL CREATURES CAN BE SAVAGE. THEY CAN MAKE STRONG PREDATORS. THINKING SMALL SIZE MEANS HARMLESSNESS IS A MISTAKE YOU NEVER MAKE TWICE.

BECAUSE YOU'LL BE DEAD.

-V

*a cat walks up to Vorinclex and offers a rat that it killed.*

(He roars with... pride?)

GOOD, GOOD. YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO BECOMING A TRUE PREDATOR. SLAUGHTER YOUR WAY TO GREATNESS, SMALL ONE!

AND TO THINK YOUR KIN ARE WASTED IN JIN-GITAXIAS'S SPINDLY, OVERSIZED HANDS!

-V

[ask-the-praetors]

*a cat walks up to Vorinclex and offers a rat that it killed.*

(He roars with... pride?)

GOOD, GOOD. YOU ARE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO BECOMING A TRUE PREDATOR. SLAUGHTER YOUR WAY TO GREATNESS, SMALL ONE!

AND TO THINK YOUR KIN ARE WASTED IN JIN-GITAXIAS'S SPINDLY, OVERSIZED HANDS!

-V

[ask-the-praetors]

Dear Jin-Gitaxias... I didn't even know you were a father. Were your children created artificially or... "born", for lack of a better word? And who is the mother?

The Mother is Elesh Norn, of course.

(He grinds out a strange laugh.) See what I did there? A piece of wordplay. No, fleshling, there is no "mother" to my offspring. No Phyrexian requires a mate in the act of procreation--that is an inefficiency of the flesh that we have long since discarded. All that is required is a mature compleated individual's oil, and suitable flesh or metal substrate to serve as a starting point for the creation of germs.

I utilized my own oil and biologic components in the creation of my offspring. Like myself, most Phyrexians favor the usage of vats in dedicated facilities over internal gestation, the better to monitor germ growth and nutrition without compromising the mobility of the parent. Each of my own clutches was incubated this way before maturing sufficiently to be decanted as newts.

One cannot help but note the irony of Elesh Norn's title. She calls herself the Mother, and yet of all the praetors, I am the only one who has so much as sired offspring. It truly makes one think.

-J

[ask-the-praetors]

Question for whoever completead the gods of Theros.

How did it feel? I keep thinking completeaing a god is even better than completing something else

Sorry about the typos, my own completion should fix that

It feels like wholeness. It feels like purpose fulfilled. Bright Heliod now burns with the fire of Orthodoxy's gospel. It is-- it is only right. The Mother delights in it. And maybe this light will be a beacon, bringing my old friend back to me.

I came to this world because on some level, it was hers. She lived here and she died here. Her resistance pains my heart, but I hope that as she looks upon our works, their truth will reveal itself to her, like she first discovered faith here all those years ago.

-Ajani

[ask-the-praetors]

Are you collecting salt from throughout the Multiverse, or are you still letting the slugs run rampant?

The sight of their exposed, slimy flesh on display turns my stomach. They are disgusting, but they too will bow in time. They are slightly more palatable when plated in porcelain. -E

All the salt we need is in her attitude, I think. Besides, even some of the slugs know how to have a good time~ -S

[ask-the-praetors]

Hey Atraxa, what do you know about the plane of New Capenna?

I know that Capenna is a plane of failures.

It crawls with Phyrexians that were unable to claim that plane for their own. Hardly worthy even of the name of Phyrexian. Part of my holy mission is to punish them for their unworthiness, and replace their obsolete wrecks with the purity of Orthodoxy.

Let them see true angelic greatness.

-Atraxa

[ask-the-praetors]

Ixhel! Hiya! If you had the chance to dart off somewhere and start everything anew – you get a new life to be your own person and make your own decisions, you’re not considered Norn’s granddaughter and you could even be rid of the oil corruption – would you take it? And how would you live that life? Depending on the answer, I might have a proposition for ya! In either case, though, here’s a hug :)

(Her expression is utterly unreadable. She is... conflicted.)

"Rid of the oil corruption"? You don't know what you're talking about. (She clutches her spear tighter.) What I am is not corrupt. I may renounce Norn now, but never being Phyrexian. There is no offer I would accept that required me to give that up, not even a new life. Compleation is my birthright. No life would be mine without it.

But without Norn in my history...

I would be nothing more than a lowborn servitor. And yet I would be free.

To create.

Maybe the Furnace...

(She accepts the embrace stiffly, seemingly not knowing what to say.)

-I

[ask-the-praetors]

To Vorinclex,

Did you ever think about throwing your lot in with Urabrask instead? Seems like his “let them be” mindset falls a lot more in line with your ideal of natural selection than Norn’s iron fist, even if it still isn’t quite as extreme as you might prefer.

URABRASK SEEMS STRONG ENOUGH FOR PREDATION, IF HE EVER CHOSE, BUT HIS FEROCITY HIDES A SOFT HEART. THAT MAKES HIM WEAK.

HE THINKS WE DIDN'T KNOW, ALL THIS TIME, HE HAS BEEN LETTING THE MIRRANS SURVIVE? THAT'S WHAT "LET THEM BE" MEANS. HE SHELTERS THE HELPLESS AND PREVENTS NATURE FROM TAKING ITS COURSE.

NORN IS BEARABLE FOR NOW. AT LEAST SHE DOES MORE FLEXING HER MUSCLES THAN THINKING.

-V

[ask-the-praetors]

meow meow meow

You! Don't you have skitterlings to catch away from here?- Stop scratching the laboratory equipment! -J

I don't know why you ever thought a cat would be a good helper. -Tezzeret

[ask-the-praetors]

Hello J Legitimate Businessperson

How is the legitimate business? I hope that you’re making lots of money and not suffering from burn out!

Sincerely, Funny Man.

Ah, that. I abandoned that farce when I vacated Kamigawa with the Not-Us. Its idea, to amass for us the "money" the fleshlings there so desire in exchange for any service. An inane concept. Even more so when I demonstrated the triviality of hacking one of their so-called "ATM machines." An embarrassment, but little more can be expected of the flesh. -J

It's "ATM," you imbecile. "Automated Teller Machine." You just said "Automated Teller Machine Machine." -Tezzeret

Semantics. The Not-Us gripes to avoid addressing that my own plot--devised from unraveling the workings of the Kamigawan mind and pinpointing its basest desires--proved far more successful in the gathering of funds for our operation. After all, my magnetic intellect, optimized reflexes, and visually refined physique were practically fine-tuned for explosive success in "streaming." -J

[ask-the-praetors]

To the praetors:

What is the weakest creature you've ever compleated? A cat? An opossum? A bug? Something weaker?

Even the smallest and weakest are destined to find unity under Phyrexia: insects, mites, the very viruses that drift through the air. Every grain of sand on the Facade, after all, belongs to us. So it is with the many worlds of the Multiverse and their numberless inhabitants. -E

Our Engine's scientific work requires precise attention to detail. Only fools overlook the impacts which the smallest of minutiae may exert. My subpraetor Avaricta, in particular, follows my illuminated manuscripts in the refinement of phyresis. Small piercing units overwhelm and prime even the largest of biomatter sources for inclusion in the Great Synthesis. Yet smaller still, we master and adapt the nanomachines in glistening oil to our every perceptible need--the finest unit of Phyrexian life lies within the Progress Engine's grasp. -J

Many would call the goblins and scamps of my Furnace weak. I need not waste breath arguing with that. Their fire speaks for itself. -U

I DO NOT COMPLEAT WEAK CREATURES. THEY ARE NOT WORTHY OF THE GRAND EVOLUTION. THEY ARE CULLED. IF WE WERE WRONG TO JUDGE THEM WEAK, THEY WOULD SHOW US BY RESISTING THE CULLING. -V

Weakness... contemptible. Not to be confused, as these idiots often do, with smallness. It's the subtle things that win wars, after all, not the tallest porcelain oaf with the loudest voice. (She giggles.) What was that? Anyway. In choosing my own subjects, I am judicious. Dragon engine or necrosquito, all have their uses. I suffer no weak links. To what end? You'll just have to see~ -S

[ask-the-praetors]

Dear Tekuthal, why do you still work for Jin-Gitaxias? His hatred for creativity seems to create a pretty negative work environment for you, and I'm almost certain Urabrask would love having someone as creative and fun-loving as you around, he'd probably adore watching your puppet shows.

(At "work for Jin-Gitaxias," there's the impression of mocking laughter.)

(Tekuthal mimes himself emerging from the Surgical Bays and squashing Jin-Gitaxias in one of his tentacles.)

-Tekuthal

[ask-the-praetors]

Urabrask',

Have any members of the resistance willingly accepted compleation?

More than any would care to admit, yes.

-U

[ask-the-praetors]

Hello Urabrask, I just wanted to say that I think your idea of what Phyrexia should be is by far the best one, and that I would honestly be willingly compleated already if the others weren't so forceful about it.

-sincerely, a non-phyrexian (don't ask how I got here)

This is the problem with Norn and all the rest.

If their Phyrexia were truly perfect, they would have had scores of Mirrans come to them willingly, far more than the errant glisteners who were outcast by their people. Mirrans, like Phyrexians, have the capacity to recognize and choose perfection for themselves. Instead they taint the certainty of metal: with dogma, coercion, hierarchy and all the other inventions that I now know have existed since Yawgmoth's time. I saw it myself, while I searched in the ichor for salvation.

It seems that Phyrexia has never been perfect.

Not even my Furnace is always welcomed with open arms, though its ways are so many that I can no longer call it "mine." Of course, the Great Work is to be carried on, with or without every possible recruit. Their visions of perfection are simply too many for Phyrexia alone to capture. We Phyrexians can only accept this.

-U

[ask-the-praetors]

(Full disclosure about this blog's slowness: the admin has been severely burdened both by responsibilities and health issues. I love the praetors and I love your asks; I am just constantly swamped. I thank you for your patience and apologize for the long turnaround times. I promise I am not ignoring you all, this is just a very difficult time in my life.)

(Thank you for understanding.)