askshoutyasshole - Tumblr blog

[askshoutyasshole]

SINCE I’M UNDER THREAT OF *DEATH* APPARENTLY, FINE. I’LL FUCKING DO IT. YOU THINK I WON’T, HUH? SURPRISING THOUGH IT MAY BE, I’M ACTUALLY CAPABLE OF SWALLOWING MY PRIDE AND GETTING SHIT DONE. SO HERE YOU GO, HAPPY BELATED WRIGGLING DAY, JOHN. I HATE YOU (IT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING, BUT I MEAN THAT *PLATONICALLY*. THERE’S WAY TOO MANY NOOKGUZZLING DICKHEADS OUT THERE).

ON THIS “SACRED” DAY (ACTUALLY 11 DAYS AGO, BUT LET’S IGNORE THAT) BORN OF PUTRID BILIC SLIME, YOU SLOPPED ONTO THE FLOOR, AN UGLY LITTLE PINK MONKEY, HORNLESS AND ON YOUR WAY  TO GROW UP TO BE THE WORLD’S BIGGEST FUCKING ANNOYANCE THIS SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE; BILLIOUS SLICK’S BEDSORE  SO, CONGRATULATIONS,  YOU SURVIVED ANOTHER ABSURD HUMAN YEAR, HOWEVER LONG THAT IS, AND SOMEHOW YOU HAVE MORE FRIENDS THAN JUST CARAPACIANS,

WHICH I GUESS MAKES SENSE. YOU AREN’T *THAT* BAD, AND YOU ARE NAUSEATINGLY FRIENDLY,  WAIT SHIT, I FORGOT TO RHYME

I DON’T KNOW HOW TO CONCLUDE THIS SHITTY POEM, THAT EVEN HORRORTERRORS WOULD WET THEMSELVES IF YOU SHOWED ‘EM,  FUCK YOU AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOHN YOU’RE A PRETTY DECENT FRIEND TO COUNT ON

hey karkat! what’re you going to get me for my birthday?

- @ectosbiologlst

JOHN? YOUR BIRTHDAY ISN'T FOR ANOTHER...

WAIT, *WHAT*!?

Seems that Karkat's woken up, then.

OKAY- I- FUCK. SORRY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A BIGGER FECULENT ASSHOLE THAN USUAL, GREAT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE. NO ONE WOKE ME UP! IS THIS THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCE OF GOING WEEKS WITHOUT SLEEP?? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE EXPECTING, IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN SENDIFICATE STUFF FROM THE METEOR. WHAT ELSE IS THERE I CAN DO ASIDE FROM MAKE A HORRIBLE DRAWING OR WRITE EAR-BLEEDINGLY MAUDLIN POETRY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT EGBERT, FOR ME TO GRACE YOUR AURICULAR NODES WITH THE DULCET TONES OF MY PITIFULLY AMATEUR ATTEMPTS AT HEARTFELT POETRY? I'LL FUCKING DO IT.

[askshoutyasshole]

hey karkat! what’re you going to get me for my birthday?

- @ectosbiologlst

JOHN? YOUR BIRTHDAY ISN'T FOR ANOTHER...

WAIT, *WHAT*!?

Seems that Karkat's woken up, then.

OKAY- I- FUCK. SORRY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A BIGGER FECULENT ASSHOLE THAN USUAL, GREAT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE. NO ONE WOKE ME UP! IS THIS THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCE OF GOING WEEKS WITHOUT SLEEP?? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE EXPECTING, IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN SENDIFICATE STUFF FROM THE METEOR. WHAT ELSE IS THERE I CAN DO ASIDE FROM MAKE A HORRIBLE DRAWING OR WRITE EAR-BLEEDINGLY MAUDLIN POETRY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT EGBERT, FOR ME TO GRACE YOUR AURICULAR NODES WITH THE DULCET TONES OF MY PITIFULLY AMATEUR ATTEMPTS AT HEARTFELT POETRY? I'LL FUCKING DO IT.

[askshoutyasshole]

OK, IN RETROSPECT THAT WAS A LITTLE TOO FAR. GOD, THIS IS EMBARRASSING. SOMEONE REMIND ME TO DELETE THIS ALL LATER, I’M EXHAUSTED OUT OF MY NUGBONE RIGHT NOW.

youre a biit of an iidiiot iim not goiing two liie

OH WOW, LIKE *YOU’RE* A BEACON OF STOIC INTELLIGENCE?  THE ONLY PERSON MORE OF A GRUBFUCKED SHITHEAD THAN ME IS YOU, SOLLUX. THAT RIGHT THERE IS A FUCKING UNASSAILABLE FACT OF REALITY.  EVEN IF EVERY LAST ABOMINABLY AWFUL VERSION OF MYSELF FUSED INTO ONE DUE TO SOME LUDICROUS GLITCH IN PARADOX SPACE, YOU’D *STILL* SOMEHOW MANAGE TO OUTRANK THAT AMALGA-ME IN THE REPUGNANCY DEPARTMENT BY FUCKING MILES. IT’D BE ALMOST IMPRESSIVE IF IT DIDN’T AFFLICT ALL POTENTIAL SOCIAL PARTNERS WITH UNCONTROLLABLE REGURGITATION. 

[askshoutyasshole]

youre a biit of an iidiiot iim not goiing two liie

OH WOW, LIKE *YOU’RE* A BEACON OF STOIC INTELLIGENCE?  THE ONLY PERSON MORE OF A GRUBFUCKED SHITHEAD THAN ME IS YOU, SOLLUX. THAT RIGHT THERE IS A FUCKING UNASSAILABLE FACT OF REALITY.  EVEN IF EVERY LAST ABOMINABLY AWFUL VERSION OF MYSELF FUSED INTO ONE DUE TO SOME LUDICROUS GLITCH IN PARADOX SPACE, YOU’D *STILL* SOMEHOW MANAGE TO OUTRANK THAT AMALGA-ME IN THE REPUGNANCY DEPARTMENT BY FUCKING MILES. IT’D BE ALMOST IMPRESSIVE IF IT DIDN’T AFFLICT ALL POTENTIAL SOCIAL PARTNERS WITH UNCONTROLLABLE REGURGITATION. 

[askshoutyasshole]

So, Jesus, right? Pretty cool guy. Went to a bitchin' trade school, became a carpenter, and then got crucified, like all the cool kids do.

My point is, how does it feel to be related to such a historical figure? That shit's wild, I mean, you must lay awake at night thinking about your leadership role, and how others look up to you, and how everything is resting upon your own shoulders, and how if you fail, then nobody will ever love you.

But, you know, no pressure.

--- Someone who is definitely not Dirk Strider.

OK, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HUMANS KEEP BRINGING UP THIS “JESUS” GUY? I ASSUMED HE WAS SOME RELIGIOUS FIGURE, BUT APPARENTLY HE WAS SOME CARPENTER THAT DIED? I FAIL TO SEE WHY YOU PEOPLE GIVE THIS MUCH OF A SHIT ABOUT THE GUY.

ANYWAY, TROLLS DON’T HAVE RELATIVES, SHITHEAD, ESPECIALLY NOT ANY ECCENTRIC HUMAN FOLK HEROES. AND I SHOULDER MY AWESOME LEADERLY RESPONSIBILITIES WITH GALLONS MORE GRACE AND ACUMEN THAN YOU’VE GOT IN YOUR ENTIRE SQUISHY, HUMAN CORPUS. YOUR ATTEMPTED PSYCHOLOGICAL ATTACK WAS INEFFECTIVE.  BASED ON YOUR LAST NAME (IT’S FUCKING OBVIOUS YOU ARE THIS "DIRK STRIDER") I GUESS YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH DAVE, WHICH WOULD DEFINITELY EXPLAIN THE GENERAL JACKASSERY. 

[askshoutyasshole]

BOY.

YOU THERE, BOY.

BOY, QUIT MAKING ALL OF THESE USELESS POSTS THIS INSTANT.

AND IF YOU DON'T, DO YOU EVER HAVE THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD MAKE THIS WITHOUT **MY** PRESENCE?

IF SO, YOU THOUGHT WRONG.

BECAUSE I AM ALREADY HERE

OK, IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE? HAR, HAR, YOU’RE ALREADY HERE, SO SCARY. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’VE REACHED THE LEVEL OF HUMOR WHICH PETULANT WIGGLERS STRIVE FOR WHILE FORCEFULLY SOILING THEMSELVES. YOUR REWARD IS AN EXUBERANT FUCK YOU.

[askshoutyasshole]

Now draw her getting an education

THIS IS THE MOST OMINOUS ASK I’VE EVER GOTTEN, WHAT THE FUCK. WHO’S “HER”??? WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DRAW THIS ELUSIVE, DECIDEDLY FEMININE BEING GETTING SCHOOLFED? PUTTING ASIDE THE FACT I’M PROBABLY THE WORST FUCKING ARTIST THIS SIDE OF THE PULVERIZED UNIVERSE, YOU’VE GIVEN PRECISELY ZERO DETAIL ON HOW TO EXECUTE THIS COMMAND. IT’S FUCKING *USELESS*.  I WAS CONSIDERING DELETING THIS ASK AND NOT EVEN RESPONDING, BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE THE SORT OF SENTENCE FRAGMENT YOU’D GET AS A RESULT OF SOME PRESUMPTUOUS ASSHOLE SPEWING WHATEVER IMPULSIVE THOUGHTS COME TO MIND UNDER THE NOTION THAT EVERYONE ELSE’S THINK PANS WORK AS ABNORMALLY AS THEIRS DOES.  EVEN NOW, TYPING THIS RESPONSE, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHY I’M DOING IT! ISN’T IT BONKERS HOW PEOPLE CHOOSE TO ENGAGE IN WORTHLESS STUPIDITY, NO MATTER HOW CORTICALLY ERODING IT IS, OVER BOREDOM? EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME.

[askshoutyasshole]

what's ur favorite flavor of chalk

OK, FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT HERE.  *MAYBE* YOU SAW TEREZI FLAUNTING HER BIZARRE PICA-LITE TENDENCIES IN THE SAME MANNER YOU EXHIBIT YOUR VENEREALLY INFLAMED BONE BULGE AT THE DOCTOR’S  AND YOU FIGURED, IN A FEAT OF JAW DROPPING DEDUCTIVE REASONING: “WELP, I GUESS ALL TROLLS ARE LIKE THAT.”  SO IT MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO YOU SHERLOCK, BUT I DON’T FUCKING EAT CHALK. THAT HAS NEVER ONCE BEEN A THING THAT I DO, NOR WILL IT *EVER* BE. 

[askshoutyasshole]

Is it normal to eat soap and drink bleach for your whole life?

MOTHERFUCKER, NO????????

[askshoutyasshole]

Hello! I’m baker anon!

As a thank you for… you know, making our universe? I made cupcakes for you and your friends! Vanilla with a grey white chocolate buttercream. I even used some candy corn to look like lil horns! Took a few batches to get them just right, so hope you guys like them!

*FINALLY* SOMEONE ACTUALLY RECOGNIZES THE FEAT WE ACCOMPLISHED. I’M ASSUMING CUPCAKES ARE LIKE GRUBCAKES, WHICH I WILL GLADLY ACCEPT.  TRUST ME, IF IT WERE AT ALL PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, WE WOULD ALL BE THERE ON EARTH, TAKING UP THE MANTLE AS YOUR RIGHTFUL SUPREME OVERLORDS.  WHICH AS FOR WHY WE AREN’T...  NEVERMIND OK, I DON’T WANT TO GET INTO IT HERE. I’M ACTUALLY STARTING TO GET BORED OF BEING PISSED OFF OVER THAT WHOLE LOSING THE GAME FECAL GARBAGEFIRE, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I NEED TO FIND SOMETHING NEW TO BE ANGRY ABOUT.  THANKS FOR THE GRUBCAKES.  OR, CUPCAKES I GUESS IN YOUR ABSURD HUMAN TERMINOLOGY.

[askshoutyasshole]

I love supporting my local small tumblr blogs, anyways what's your opinion on the hit indie artist Mitski

*AGAIN* WITH THESE SHITTY SIMULACRUMS???  UGH, WHATEVER. YOU'RE CLEARLY ON A CASE STUDY LEVEL OF FUCKING DERANGED AND I'M NOT QUALIFIED TO UNPACK WHATEVER PSYCHOTRAUMA MUSCLEBEAST MANURE UNDERSCORED YOUR CHILDHOOD TO MAKE YOU LIKE THIS. MITSKI IS... OKAY I GUESS? I DON’T KNOW REALLY, I’M NOT A BIG “MUSIC” GUY. MOSTLY I LISTEN TO SOUNDTRACKS AND A FEW SONGS THAT FEATURE IN SOME OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES.  I KNOW JACK FUCKALL ABOUT MUSIC AND WHAT MAKES A SONG “GOOD,” I JUST LIKE WHAT I LIKE...  SO I’M REALLY *NOT* THE GUY TO ASK MUSIC BASED QUESTIONS.  HELL, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHO MITSKI WAS UNTIL THIS ASK.  HER SONGS CERTAINLY SOUND LIKE SONGS. THOSE ARE SOME LYRICAL NOISES ERUPTING FROM HER SEEDFLAP, THAT’S FOR SURE. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME.

[askshoutyasshole]

would you rather fight 1 horse-sized duck, or 100 duck-sized horses? (no weapons, to the death)

THIS IS A FUCKING STUPID QUESTION. ONE MUSCLEBEAST-SIZED QUACKBEAST, OBVIOUSLY. THEY MIGHT BE SMALL IN STATURE, BUT THE MUSCLEBEASTS OUTNUMBER ME BY A FUCKTON. 100 IS THE SIZE OF A SMALL BATTALION. PLUS, THEIR HOOVES ARE BASICALLY BUILT IN WEAPONS! WHAT DO QUACKBEASTS HAVE? A BEAK? FUCKING *FEATHERS*?  IT’D BE TOO BIG TO FLY AWAY, AND I CAN JUST DODGE ITS PECK ATTACKS. EASY.  I’VE EVISCERATED A LOT OF IMPS WITH MY BADASS SICKLE, AND LET ME TELL YOU, THE THING YOU WANT TO AVOID MOST OF ALL IS *BEING OUTNUMBERED*. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW “EASY” THE ENEMY IS, YOU CAN’T KEEP YOUR EYES ON YOUR BACK AND FRONT WITHOUT CLONING YOURSELF.  AND IF YOU *DO* CLONE YOURSELF, IT’LL LIKELY BE SOME SHITTY USELESS GRUB VERSION OF YOURSELF, SO THEY’D BE USELESS IN A BATTLE ANYWAY.  diid you ACTUALLY con2iider draggiing our ectoclone2 iintwo battle?  NOT RELEVANT! ANYWAY, THIS QUESTION IS STUPID AND THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUS.

[askshoutyasshole]

NEPETA?? OH H3S 4W4K3 NOW!

SHUT THE FUCK UP, OKAY?  HE JUST SPEWS SO MUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT, MY THINK PAN’S BS DEFENSE SYSTEM TAKES OVER AND SHUTS DOWN ALL SHOUT SPHINCTER FACULTIES. AND IT’S A SYSTEM WHICH YOU *SHOULD* BE GRATEFUL FOR, BY THE WAY. OTHERWISE I’D BE SHOVING MY MOLTEN RAGE DOWN PEOPLE’S PROTEIN CHUTES INDISCRIMINATELY, INNOCENT BYSTANDER OR NOT, WHENEVER HE TRIES TO TALK TO ME (WHICH IS FRANKLY TOO MUCH).

SERIOUSLY, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE SUCH A FUCKNUBBED, SANCTIMONIOUS ASSHOLE OF AN ANCESTOR?? I’D TAKE HIS EXISTENCE ALONE AS EVIDENCE OF PAST LIVES  LIKE MAYBE I WAS JUST A REALLY FUCKED UP DESPOT IN A PREVIOUS LIFE, WHICH IS WHY I GET AN ANCESTOR LIKE THIS.  WAIT, I GUESS WE TECHNICALLY *DID* HAVE PAST LIVES, BUT THAT WAS WEIRD SCRATCH SHIT... AGH, WHY DO OUR LINEAGES HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN CONVOLUTED?  WHATEVER. WHAT WAS I SAYING?

RIGHT, UH. HI NEPETA. I GUESS THIS IS A GHOST OF YOURS, OR EVEN *MORE* FUCKED UP TIME NONSENSE.  I...  I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ACTUALLY, I’M JUST GOING TO END THIS POST HERE. 

[askshoutyasshole]

Hell9, Karkat. I seem t9 have f9und that y9u have created an 'ask 6l9g', and s9 I have decided t9 take the time t9 pr9perly inf9rm y9u 9f the many ways t9 appr9priately tag and/9r trigger warn y9ur p9sts. As previ9usly stated, there are numer9us ways t9 tag and/9r trigger warn p9sts, 6ut it is m9st imp9rtant t9 tag m9st /everything/. Y9u d9 n9t kn9w exactly what 9ne may have g9ne thr9ugh in their past t9 6e triggered 9r upset 6y said thing; s9 it is very much 6etter t9 6e safe rather than s9rry. S9me may 6e upset 6y the littlest 9f things, 9r even the m9st seemingly inn9cent, it is all simply depended 9n what they have went thr9ugh. It is als9 quite imp9rtant that y9u put it in a way that the alg9rithm will 6e a6le t9 understand, as there are many ways that y9u can put it s9 that the alg9rithm will n9t 6e a6le t9 c9mprehend, thus leaving y9ur unpr9perly tagged p9st t9 land 9n the dash 9f s9me9ne unwanting t9 see said c9ntent; which c9uld result in an argument. Three examples 9f these impr9per ways are: 1. Putting num6ers, letters, 9r slashes after y9ur tag instead 9f simply tagging the w9rd itself with a simple TW. This key69ard smashing isn't the simple 'tw this/this/this tw' that 9ne may put in their 6lacklist as t9 av9id it, such as the alg9rithm n9t reading it t9 6e said thing that the pers9n d9es n9t wish t9 see. Av9id this 6y simply putting 'tw this/this/this tw', as that is what 9ne will put in their 6lacklist and that is what will keep the p9st away fr9m their dash69ard. 2. F9rgetting t9 tag s9mething 9r an9ther. When y9u f9rget t9 tag s9mething it is 69und t9 end up 9n s9me9ne unexpectings dash69ard, which 9nce m9re c9uld lead t9 an argument. Read 9ver y9ur p9sts and tag everything pr9perly, d9 n9t f9rget anything. 3. Placing the 'TW' and the 'thing' in separate tags. There happens t9 6e a wide variety 9f triggers, and s9 putting them all under such a vague large um6rella will either 6l9ck 9ut much c9ntent that w9uld 6e accepta6le f9r the 6lacklister t9 view, 9r perhaps it will simply sh9w 6ecause they had n9t /wished/ t9 6lacklist such a 6r9ad tag. Instead 9f this, please 6e sure t9 put them in the same tag as t9 n9t c9nfuse the system 9r the viewer. Lastly, an9ther quite imp9rtant thing; clarity and understanda6ility. When tagging, 6e sure t9 clearly t9uch 9n each theme y9u will 6e menti9ning in y9ur p9st, as t9 leave n9 c9nfusi9n f9r th9se wh9 may n9t want t9 see it yet it ended 9n their dash69ard anyways. 6e sure t9 leave en9ugh space f9r the system t9 cut 9ff y9ur p9st and add a read m9re 6utt9n f9r th9se wh9 are alright with c9ntinuing. H9pefully, all 9f this inf9rmati9n was clear and taught y9u s9mething. #Less9n #Teaching #Trigger warnings #Trigger talk #Rant #L9ng text #Instructi9ns #I'm sure this will help. #Lecture #Y9u'll need this. #F9ll9w it, really. #I'm telling y9u.

WOW K4RK4T, D1D YOUR 4NC3STOR S3ND TH4T?  H3 T4LKS 4LMOST 4S MUCH 4S YOU DO H4H4H4H4

UHHH K4RK4T?

Oh This Happens Sometimes After Kancounters  Which Is A Term I Made Up For This Particular Situation (It Is A Portmanteau Of Kankri And Encounter) Give Him A Moment And He Will Reboot

While He Is Currently Incapacitated I Will Accept The Tagging Advice On His Behalf  So Thank You?  It Was Very  Informative

[askshoutyasshole]

LISTEN. I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE *FUCK* YOU ARE, OR HOW YOU GOT A HOLD OF SO MANY POORLY MADE EFFIGIES OF ME, AND QUITE FRANKLY I’M A LITTLE TERRIFIED. YOU’RE EITHER SOME BATSHIT PSYCHO WHO HAS AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH ME FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT INSCRUTABLE REASON, OR YOU’RE TEREZI ON ANOTHER ACCOUNT TRYING TO MESS WITH ME. PLEASE BE THE LATTER, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.

[askshoutyasshole]

ummm hmmmm do you like grease

the mowvie not the hair stuff

ALRIGHT, I’LL SAY IT: GREASE IS A GOOD MOVIE.   SURE, IT’S CHEESY, BUT THAT’S THE *APPEAL*. IT BATHES IN THE TRITE AND HACKNEYED SHAMELESSLY. IT KNOWS WHAT IT IS, AND IT DOESN’T TRY TO BE ANYTHING ELSE. AND FOR THAT I COMMEND IT. TOO OFTEN MOVIES GET SO CAUGHT UP IN TRYING TO PROVE THAT THEY’RE SOMETHING THEY’RE NOT, TO THE POINT WHERE THEIR OBSESSION WITH SUBVERTING EXPECTATIONS RUINS THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE. GREASE DOESN’T DO THAT, IT PLAYS IT STRAIGHT. MAYBE BECAUSE IT’S AN OLDER MOVIE OR SOMETHING. PLUS, I’M NOT A HUGE MUSICAL GUY, BUT THE SONGS ARE PRETTY CATCHY TOO.  IT’S A GOOD HUMAN FLICK. PROVIDES DECENT INSIGHT INTO HUMAN ROMANCE CULTURE AS WELL.

[askshoutyasshole]

hello karkat. i am the anonymous asker again. i am just a human boy who likes movies and is asking you stuff! so i have no idea who this john guy is.

and trust me, you need to watch it. not any of that good chuck luck crap!

MOTHERFUCKER, WHY DID YOU SAY “GUESS WHO” THEN??  MAYBE I’M NOT THE MOST SOCIALLY INTELLIGENT GUY OUT THERE, BUT THE USE OF THAT PHRASE IS PRETTY MUCH ENTIRELY PREDICATED ON THE FACT THAT THE OTHER PERSON *KNOWS* WHO YOU ARE. IF YOU’RE NOT JOHN OR ANY OF THOSE OTHER ASSHOLES, I’VE GOT *ZERO* FUCKING CLUE WHO YOU ARE. I DON’T KNOW THAT MANY HUMANS.  EITHER YOU’RE LYING RIGHT NOW OR YOU PROVIDED ME A BOGUS CHALLENGE I WAS DOOMED TO FAIL FROM THE START. WHICHEVER IT IS, FUCK YOU.

ANYWAY, *MAYBE* I’LL WATCH IT SOME DAY. CONSIDERING I’M PROBABLY GOING TO BE ON THIS MISERABLE ROCK FOR ALL OF ETERNITY, I’M SURE THE EXISTENTIAL BOREDOM WILL FORCE MY HAND ON THE ISSUE. SO, YOU’VE WON BY DEFAULT ON THAT FRONT. CONGRATU FUCKING LATIONS.