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"I'll only boop with permission :3"

babe, opting in IS the permission. if you don't want to get spam-booped, don't turn on boops. or get off the damn website.

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I think it's important to understand that discussions around amatonormativity usually aren't (or shouldn't be) asking people to see their individual romantic relationships as less important, because wanting a long-term monogamous romantic relationship isn't inherently amatonormative.

Amatonormativity is about the bigger picture of how society treats romantic relationships. It's about placing romantic relationships at the top of a hierarchy and then claiming that most meaningful close and intimate connections to other humans are only accessable through them. Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone wants to end up in a monogamous long-term romantic relationship and then decrying anyone who wants a relationship that doesn't fit into that very narrow category.

Every individual person has to figure out for themselves which types of relationships they desire or don't desire and how much importance they want to give them. Amatonormativity criticizes the fact that that's not a question you are normally asked in the first place, because the answer is always assumed.

I think if in the end someone decides to prioritize their romantic relationships, they will still have defied amatonormativity simply through consciously making that decision, and through not assuming the same for everyone else. To me, dismantling amatonormativity is about deconstructing the assumed hierarchy of relationships, giving people the chance to actually think about what they truly want, and opening the pathways for those possibilities.

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When it comes to asexual allyship a lot of people wanna have their cake and eat it too (pun unintended). People like a lil 'aces are valid' moment but don't actually unpack compulsory sexuality. People see sexless queer representation and always clock puritanism before they ever clock asexuality. No one's actually reading the ace theory and texts coming out. Everyone keeps doing surprised Pikachu faces whenever a conservative or TERF says they're against asexuality despite the fact ace activists have been saying since day conservatives are not anti sex but anti sexual autonomy. 'Aces are queer' until we actually are. Even ace support posts keep ending with some expectation or condition that asexuality is #valid as long as asexuals still perform a small quota of sex/sexual activity. I'm so over 'Aces still have sex!' 'Aces are hot' Aces are sexy' 'Aces aren't virgin vanilla prude sexless puritans!' disguised as support.

Like no. Sorry. Until you accept that some asexual people's no is permanent, that some asexual's singleness is permanent, that some asexual's childless-ness is permanent, that some asexuals are the 'no' in little to no sexual attraction and i'd say most importantly, that queer sexlessness isn't a biological, social or moral failing, I don't believe you'll ever genuinely support asexuality. (In reverse, I also feel similar about aromanticism and romance).

Like a lot of u haven't gone beyond 'the a isn't for ally' and it shows. I don't want people to support asexuals just because we're soooo hot or because we write the best smut apparently or because we could have hypothetical sex or because we could do hypothetical kink or because our minds are soooo dirty actually or because we'd do romance reallllyyyy well or because we can still have kids or because asexuals hand out water bottles at the orgy or some shit. I want people to support asexuality because no sexuality is deviant and it's basic human decency.

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Hello! I saw the reblog you did, and was curious about what "Non-SAM Asexual" meant. I searched it up on Google, but I'm still confused because of the wording?

I thought, since you're a Non-SAM Ace yourself, you could explain it and your experience to help me better understand what it means, since I've never heard that term and would like to know what it's about

Hello! Thank you for your ask! Yeah, I'd be happy to answer (though, I'm sorry in advance that this got super long)

SAM stands for "Split Attraction Model." This is the idea that there's a division between sexual attraction and romantic attraction. So people who identify with the SAM might use terms like "aromantic asexual" or "biromantic asexual" or "aromantic homosexual."

I think the SAM totally makes sense for describing the experiences of people who experience some kind of division between their sexual and romantic attraction. However, I personally don't identify with the split attraction model, so I describe myself as a non-SAM asexual.

For me, my asexuality has always been very concrete: I experience no sexual attraction and I'm sex-repulsed, so once I learned about asexuality as an option, I knew it described my experience.

Romantic attraction on the other hand has always been more nebulous. Prior to identifying as asexual, I had experienced romantic attraction and had even been in romantic relationships that I enjoyed. However, as I came to understand my sexuality more (and understand that sex is something that is important to other people and something that's generally expected in a relationship), I realized that romance isn't important to me. The more I've settled into my asexual identity, the less appealing the idea of a romantic relationship has become.

My aromanticism is entirely informed by my asexuality. I don't date because I'm asexual; I don't have sex because I'm asexual; I'm not interested in romance because I'm asexual--and of course I know that this isn't true of every asexual, but for me personally, I don't do these things because I'm asexual. Therefore, I don't identify with the aromantic label. I honestly think if I woke up tomorrow experiencing sexual attraction, I'd also be interested in exploring romantic attraction.

And as with so many things related to sexuality, every experience is different. I'm sure there will be nuances to why other folks might or might not choose to identify with the SAM.

I understand totally why aromantic folks get frustrated with people using "asexuality" in a way that overlaps with aromanticism, and I do think it's important that asexuals consider how to be more inclusive of aromanticism. However, I also think it's important not to invalidate the experiences of non-SAM aces, particularly when we're talking about ourselves.

One thing that could help is if instead of using absolute language like "asexual does not mean aromantic" we use something like "asexual doesn't always mean aromantic." That might help bridge the gap between ensuring that the distinction is made between asexuality and aromanticism, while not erasing the existence of non-SAM aces.

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Friendly reminder to the people "correcting" OP in the comments that non-SAM asexuals exist and we don't need a vocabulary lesson every time we talk about our experiences.

Anyway, OP, I totally get you! I used to feel this a lot harder when I was younger. I've since realized that in looking for "the one" in a platonic sense, what I've actually done is created a whole deep network of friends who love me and who I can turn to for adventures and connection. It's definitely not easy to get over the societally ingrained "you need one person" me mentality, but it can be done! All that to say, OP, I hope you find a queer platonic partner who meets you at your level, but if you don't, I hope you make other fulfilling connections that scratch that loneliness itch! ❤️

It’s delulu time and I was drinking a little before this. Anyways—

As an ace person, does anyone feel the emptiness of seeing your friends fall in love with others? Like knowing you’re never gonna find the “one” in terms of romantic love? It’s like, no matter how much I platonically love a person, that will never be enough?

I want to find my other half in a queer platonic way, but there’s no one I know who feels that exact way. As much as I love my best friends, they’re looking for a different love.

I know you don’t need someone to be happy, but I want a person who will come out on stupid adventures with me. I want someone who will go on a Wawa trip with me or go watch a stupid horror movie with me.

I just don’t want that… loneliness.

It feels really defeating in a world built around love, knowing you don’t fit those expectations of that universal feeling.

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no one gets to tell you how to be ace btw. not even other asexuals or aromantics. there is no correct way of being ace. theres just being you.

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being on the aro spectrum would be a lot easier if being single wasn't made to feel like a literal death sentence

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the way fandoms are desperate to make all aroace characters romance and sex positive but then dont do anything remotely similar to any other identity is astounding. hmm i wonder why

PLEASE dont derail this about shipping characters of other identities please let this one post be about an aroace struggle

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If you were an a-spec exclusionist (or even "neutral") in the 2010s on Tumblr, if you remember laughing at "cringe aces," and have since come around to realize "hey that was kinda shitty, obviously aces and aros are queer," then you've obviously taken a huge step forward. But if you haven't actually evaluated what subtler forms of aphobia look like and unlearned those too, then you absolutely need to do that, or else internalized biases will persist in this community that make a-specs feel unsafe.

The most rampant and insidious type of aphobia on Tumblr in the past few years hasn't been about explicitly saying you hate/want to exclude asexuals. People who don't consider themselves "exclusionists" regularly pass it around. The degree to which a-spec terminology and microlabels still get mocked, and used as punchlines, also cannot be overstated.

Below, I've linked a variety of posts about what aphobia looks like, what commonly misunderstood/mocked a-spec terminology really means, and how a-spec people differ from common stereotypes and misconceptions. I don't expect everyone to read every one of these posts. There are some long ones. But I know Tumblr would be a significantly less hostile experience for a-spec people if everyone unlearning aphobia looked at, and reflected critically, about at least a few.

Subtle Aphobia; A-Specs and Sex Positivity

[PT: "Subtle Aphobia, Aces and Sex Positivity."]

Common Modern Aphobia, Critical Thinking Questions About "Cringe" Ace Posts on the Dashboard

Sex Repulsion Vs. Sex Negativity - Know the Difference

Acephobia and Ableism, Queer Social Spaces "Discourse"

Hey, What Do Those Terms We Mocked Actually Mean?

[PT: "Hey, What Do Those Terms We Mocked Actually Mean?"]

Origin, Use, and Etymology of "Allosexual"

Why "Queerplatonic" Doesn't Have a Set Definition, and Why That Matters (from the actual people who coined it!)

"Amatonormativity" as Defined by Elizabeth Brake

Amatonormativity Affects More Than Just Aces and Aros

Masterpost of A-Spec Readings

Aromantic Allosexuals (Yes, Including Men)

[PT: "Aromantic Allosexuals (Yes, Including Men)"]

"Aroallos are often treated as inherently "more sexual" than other allosexuals. Here's why that assumption happens, and why it's bullshit."

Romantic Attraction Is Not Required To Respect Women

Further Readings on Aphobia

[PT: "Further Readings on Aphobia"]

It Was Bad, It Was Bigotry, It Was Part of the TERF Pipeline

"Trauma is not a factor by which queerness should be measured" - excerpt from Refusing Compulsory Sexuality, and related discussion

Arophobia: "You say you accept aromanticism, but..."

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Y'all are all for non-sam aros and non-sam aces until a non-sam aro mentions not experiencing sexual attraction and a non-sam ace mentions not experiencing romantic attraction, then it's all "NO YOU'RE USING THE WRONG LABEL!!!!" Like....

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I'm gonna tell you right now that no aspec person in the community has it better than any other. no one has it worse than any other. We all have it bad in multiple different ways and to claim someone has it better or worse is just oppression Olympics bullshit and an excuse to pretend you're punching up when you're just causing infighting.

No Aroaces are not treated better than any other aspec identity. No Alloaces are not treated better than any other aspec identity. No aroallos are not treated better than any other aspec identity. No other a-attractions are not treated better than any other aspec identity.none of these guys are treated worse than each other either.

everyone faces issues. everyone's issues are different. some issues have overlap. some issues are the same with just a different coat of paint. You do not get to down play other peoples problems just because you want to put yours forward. You can bring up your problems without down playing other peoples. Alloaces face oppression by being called abusive for not having sex with their partners. They get broken up with, labeled as mentally ill or told they have a medical issue, and threatened with conversion therapy to "fix" them. Aroallos get called abusers because they don't want romantic relationships and dont feel romantic feelings towards people. they get harassed and labeled mentally ill for their identity. Aroaces are called broken and often not believed when it comes to their identity. society cannot imagine someone who is not interested in romance or sex and people will often believe aroace is an identity used as an excuse and will try to force themselves onto aroace people to "change their mind" or "make an exception" Other a-attractions get thrown under the bus as being told their problems aren't "real issues" or that they're "mentally unwell" or "Evil" for not feeling their certain kind of attraction. Aplatonics get called "Anti social freaks" or "Assholes with no friends" and Afamilials get called "Terrible people" because they "Don't care about their family" and so on.

We all have problems. Society does not accept any of us. Stop trying to claim one of us has it better and that makes it okay to downplay their issues in favor of your own. We are not enemies. We are not your oppressors. We are all struggling the least we can do is fucking support each other. Some of y'all are starting to repeat acephobic talking points from the ace discourse era but with a different coat of paint to frame whatever aspec identity you're talking about as the problem and it's only really coming off as aphobic on your end.

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I totally agree with the sentiment here. People absolutely reveal their ableism with how they talk about aspec people.

That said, I want to be careful with boiling aphobia down to "just ableism." There are a lot of exclusionists out there who try to discredit aphobia by saying "oh there's no such thing as aphobia, you're just experiencing misogyny or homophobia or ableism, etc." I know this is just a silly meme format and I doubt op meant anything by it, but there are definitely ways in which aphobia is different from ableism that shouldn't be discounted.

Whenever I see aphobia this is all I can think about. If you think loveless people are "psychotic" or "narcissistic" or "broken" I know how you actually feel about disordered/disabled people. Just telling on yourself with this one chief.

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Anyone know any stories with aroace protags that are centred around a relationship? In the same way that romance genre stories are driven by the evolving relationship between two characters, but the characters are aroace and the relationship is platonic or queerplatonic. Would be interested to read something like that

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Look.

I have made you a chart. A very simple chart.

People say "You have to draw the line somewhere, and Biden has crossed it-" and my response is "Trump has crossed way more lines than Biden".

These categories are based off of actual policy enacted by both of these men while they were in office.

If the ONLY LINE YOU CARE ABOUT is line 12, you have an incredible amount of privilege, AND YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT PALESTINIANS. You obviously have nothing to fear from a Trump presidency, and you do not give a fuck if a ceasefire actually occurs. You are obviously fine if your queer, disabled, and marginalized loved ones are hurt. You clearly don't care about the status of American democracy, which Trump has openly stated he plans to destroy on day 1 he is in office.

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hey if someone makes a post about how pride merch always includes aros and aces but not lesbians, go search up "ace" or "ace discourse" on their blog

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No one has a better understanding of aspec-coded characters than like...actual aspec people

Most of the time, in fandom spaces where most people are allos, they usually include aspec identities in specific things for brownie points

Meanwhile us aspec folks look deep into certain characters, look into their actions, see ourselves in the characters' experiences as aspec-coded and what it means for them to be in romantic/sexual relationships

However, whenever we do, allos always say that "but *x character* is canonically allo", meanwhile the allo representation in said characters are poorly explored and oftentimes made to mistake anything related to aspec identities with allosexual behavior (the famous "0+0=2" quote for aroace folks who think that they're bi/pan)

If a character is supposed to be allosexual, it should actually be explored properly instead of being added to an otherwise aspec-coded character just for representation's sake