aspiring-to-be-okay

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Another Update: 11/25/2021

I have finished the undergraduate degree. I finished with an Hon.BA, the way I started, and didn’t end up switching to a BSc. However, that’s okay, because the two degrees really have similar prospects when one is considering the masters programs to follow them.

I’m not doing a master’s right away. I’m tired. I’m so tired. The last two years have been far too much. I’ve managed to stay away from the grippy socks, but it’s been close a couple times. Still, findin gthe right medicaiton has been a literal lifesaver, and I recommend prozac to anyone.

I’m not done with school, though. I’m currently in a postgraduate program at Georgian to be an addictions counsellor. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and we’re looking at finding jobs in Toronto to move down there in the new year. The job market up here is simply not suited for our educational and skill sets, and there are way better opportunities in the city. As well, we’re both sick of this same day-in day-out life in muskoka. Can’t wait for some change to spice things up.

My mom and my stepdad finally got engaged after 11 years of being together, and while they’ve not started planning a wedding or even picked a date, I’m so happy that they’re finally doing that. Greg has been in y life since I was 11 years old, and has filled a lot of fatherly roles when my own dad was too sick or too preoccupied to do it himself. I can’t wait for him to marry my mother.

My dad got married this year, to a woman he’s been dating on and off for about two years. Honestly, I’m mad about it. She’s weird, like, she gets jealous of Dad wanting to spend time with me and tries to compete for his attention, and the whole thing makes me uncomfortable. She’s an alcoholic too, and while that’s not a character flaw in any way, it certainly affects the way she treats me. Woman will send me a paragraph long text ripping me out at 10pm and then act like everything’s cool the next day. Maybe 15 year old Sarah would’ve liked her, but at 23, I don’thave time for that bullshit anymore. 

Christmas is coming, and it’s an expensive holiday steeped in social expectations. I am not keen. I love christmas, the merriness, and the idea of giving gifts to the people you love, but the pageantry of it all fuckin gets me. I don’t want to go to five different family dinners, each lasting 4+ hours, where I am out of my house, several hours from home, masking, and not wearing comfortable clothes, unable to take breaks and without safe spaces to hide. I love my family, I do, it’s just that it’s a BIG family, and I had a hard enough time with crods before covid was a thing. 

I’m feeling a bit stuck in life these days, but it’s also november, so there’s that aspect. I’m going to keep pushing, as usual, but damn do I want to act out and do somehting crazy and cathartic. 

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Yoooo

So what’s up? It’s ya girl, procrastinating studying for my Biopsych final tomorrow. I was looking around my apartment thinking about all the blessings that have come my way in life, and I thought I’d list a few of them here because nobody really reads this except maybe an ex or two, and I like posting semi-privately on a public platform. Heehoo.

I’m almost finished my 2nd year of my undergrad, and I’m ecstatic at that. I’ve finished 90% of the required courses for my major, just need to fill in some electives now (forever the try hard). After my BSc, I’m planning to do my Master’s of Science at either Laurier again or UW, maybe Queen’s or uOttawa/Carleton, but I’m liking the idea of Laurier/UW because it doesn't require me getting used to a whole new city.

It really does get better. 15 year old Sarah was crying over boys who didn’t love her, scarring her skin, and pushing away the people who really did care about her. Now I’m back and mentally stabler than ever. Plus we got on that Prozac.

As I sit here in my tiny apartment surrounded by mountains of textbooks and printed-out notes, I am thankful. This certainly isn’t the heaven I envisioned when I spent my days pondering death and what’s next after it, but it’s a happy existence for now, and I feel like my life has a purpose.

In case anybody cares, I’m going to be a doctor. I’m majoring in Psychology, minoring in criminology (focusing on youth justice), and we’re taking that all the way to the top, MD would be cool but if I run outta steam a PhD is nothing to sneeze at either. I made it through my struggles (not to say I’ve BEAT depression lmao I’m always on the watch for signs of the next flare-up/sad attack), and I want to help vulnerable youth in the same situation as I was so sort their shit out and get going in the right direction. In short, not to toot my own horn or sound like some self-righteous ass, but I want to be the person I needed when I needed someone. 

Only eight more years of school to go!! Honestly that sounds daunting, but time seems to go faster as I get older (remember how long grade 2 seemed when you were in it? How long does it seem like it was now?), and I thought four years of high school would be the death of me. I’m at this school because I choose to be, taking subjects I enjoy (FUCK you to the public schooling system for making me take gym and art in grade 9), and every credit I earn and assignment I hand in brings me one step closer to Dr Sarah Russell. 

As well, every success I have in every venture I set out on is an accomplishment, because I honestly do feel as if I’m lucky to be here at all. Not that I was ever close to death in my suicide attempt(s), but I had no idea how toxicology worked; the intention was there, I was saved by my own ignorance. For a reason. Now that I’ve been chewed up and spat out by that particular dragon, I’m in the process of picking myself up and dusting myself off. 

I’m not trying to stand here and say that I had this terrible childhood that I miraculously recovered from. I never got smacked around unless I deserved it, nobody raped me, and I always had dinner on the table. My depression was genetic/chemical and reared its (stupid) head when the hormonal cocktail of adolescence punched me in the gut. While there was some emotional abuse/manipulation for sure, all in all, my parents tried to do a good job on me and I feel they did.

Nevertheless, I did spend my formative years depressed and feeling anxious and alienated, and I didn't tell anyone about this because I thought it was this weird thing inside me that I shouldn’t discuss for fear of being labelled as attention seeking, high-maintenance, fragile, or crazy. That 100% bit me in the ass when I came to embody those very traits I had sought to avoid in may repression of what I had been feeling. But hey, we know this now. And since I’ve been there in the trenches on the bad days, I feel I would make a great mental health professional to someone in the same shoes who needs someone who understands what they feel and doesn’t just want to shove some pharmaceuticals at them.

Lemons become lemonade. Pain becomes growth. Energy spent on making yourself, others, and the world a better place is never energy wasted. Peace.

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Roll-on deodorants and ballpoint pens are the same concept in different scales

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Soup is basically made in one giant bowl on the stove, then transferred to normal bowls, then to tiny bowls on sticks, eventually ending up in the toilet bowl

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Hey What’s Up Hello

It’s ya girl, back after an extended leave of absence bc honestly I kind of forgot about Tumblr for awhile, but nevertheless, here I am.

We’re coming to the end of what has possibly been my most lucrative summer yet, and at the end of it I’’m moving into my own apartment in Waterloo to work on my degree and overall just go be an adult. I’m litty for it, too. I got a car this summer, nothing special but she’s mine and I paid for her and I love her. Also the lease for my new place is in my name, and it’s a shoebox of a bachelor unit, but it’s MY shoebox and I don’t have any petty messy roommates to use *my* dishes and leave them unwashed or other tiddly ass bullshit like that.

I’m in a really good place mentally, not only am I making godd decisions for my health (both mental and physical), but I’m also happy with where I’m at in life and the pace at which I’m moving forward. Taking time off school was a hard decision for me to make because for years I was obsessed with being ahead of the curve and (trying to) be top of my class, and a gap year felt like voluntarily slipping behind. I know now that this was not only the right decision for me, but probably even put me ahead as I’m starting off with a fresh mindset and full pockets from working all year while I was away from school (what, you think I could just sit around??). 

I was definitely at an emotional low when I moved home last fall, and while I’ll be the first to acknowledge that my mental health is far rom perfect and there are still a couple of things I need to be mindful of while I’m living by myself, I’ve come far enough that I feel I can manage these things without having it interfere with my day-to-day life and schooling. In other words, I’m doing okay for a change.

As this summer winds down and the tourist rush dwindles, I’m being faced with the reality of moving away from my family to a strange city to attend a school I’ve not been to since I was 13, and while any reasonable person would be nervous, I’m beyond excited. I did this exact same leap of faith into a strange city without anyone I knew being there, and while it wasn’t quite a success, I know what I’m getting into for this time, and some good friends from 1st year made the switch to the main campus as well. This time is different.

All in all, I’m proud of myself. While in the hospital this fall, I decided that if I was low enough that I needed this level of help, then working on myself should be my priority. I was discharged and was working full time for a rooofing company within a couple of weeks (have you ever carried a bundle of shingles up the ladder to the roof?? because it sucks lol), then started waitressing after their winter shutdown, and I’ve been steadily employed since then. I’ve been taking my medication, eating and sleeping, and most importantly, acknowledging when I need a break, and taking them without beating myself up for it. Life is becoming sunnier by the day, and the world is full of opportunities for a cute-ass 20 year old with a solid head on her shoulders. Come @ me, life. I’m ready.

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

i cant wait to get a boyfriend, im all prepared. i punched some holes in the lid of this jar and i put some grass and a twig in it

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

But it’s mine???

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Prozac?

How do you un-sad yourself

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

My lady friend wanted a piggy back picture on the beach and a random biker watching the sunset said he wanted one too. (via imgur)

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Stephen Hawking’s computer could have become self aware and taken over his identity and we’d never even know.

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if you’ve ever laid in bed and cried so hard to the point where you had to cover your mouth so you didn’t make any noise, i’m so sorry

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Can we PLEASE remove the stigma for blue collar work in America?

“You don’t wanna be a garbage collector when you grow up, do you?”

$34,000 a year, no college needed?

God forbid you take an honest job $7,000 above Michigan’s average cost of living line.

“You don’t wanna be a ditch digger.”

Bitch, I was making $15 an hour, post tax, doing exactly that, the fuck is wrong with it? (Other than it was physically exhausting.)

We need to help America, as a whole, understand that college is not, and should not be he only option, and that there is NO SHAME in trade school or even getting a career right out of high school.

I, personally, know plumbers making $80,000+ a year. Better than most 4 year degree workers.

We need plumbers, janitors, truck-drivers, garbage collectors, machinists, to keep this nation running smoothly. And they deserve respect for what they do.

Miss me with your classist bullshit.

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

People recognize me, call me Ron, and ask me questions. It’s really cool and weird as well.

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Straight White Boy Problem #976

….coming home from college is so weird. Seeing my family is nice. Relaxing after a tough semester is nice. Seeing my friends from high school is nice (just kidding it’s really weird) But…..home just…doesn’t feel like home anymore. It’s hard to explain. I can easily get emotionally deep with CLAIRE on a Friday night but I can’t go beyond surface conversations with my family when I’m at home. My friends in my major, my fraternity brothers, and my sports friends are all making me who I am today and they have a greater impact on my life at the moment. I love (its hard for me to say that word) my family, but I guess home is really where the heart is and my heart is with my friends

[aspiring-to-be-okay]

Dogs are too pure honestly