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[assenavlp]

[assenavlp]

[assenavlp]

AI Sucks.

AI is not punk. AI is a tool of The Man. Of billionaire Tech Bro sociopaths and accelerationists. AI is not subversive. Edgelords and petty contrarians utilizing AI does not make it so. AI is not revolutionary. Sentimental schlock will not save the suffering. AI is lazy. AI is a cheat. AI is plagiarism. AI is slick and facile. AI produces Pablum for the masses, shat out as easily as it's digested, no different than any banal meme of the week.

AI is not art. It can't even be called Digital Art. It isn't art, period. Digital art still has a human component. AI isn't even in the same league as any of the long traditions of collage, assemblage, or found art, or even of electronic music, musique concrète, or music sampling, or of, in writing, the cut-up technique.

If one is going to steal shit, as all artists, musicians, and writers do - "there is nothing new under the sun" - one should at least have the decency to put in one's own work. The blood, the sweat, and the tears, and fucking make it one's own, rather than simply letting a computer algorithm regurgitate vapid, plasticky-looking, fumble-fingered, dilettante-pleasing, scam and hoax-facilitating, uncanny-valley kitsch.

AI does not democratize art. It is designed to take ownership of it. To render it even further into a mere commodity. NFT's anyone? To appeal and pander to the masses, unschooled in the arts. To render true artists, photographers, writers, musicians, and actors, irrelevant, unworthy of making a living, as they cannot compete with the speed and high turnover that, among other things, social media affords this AI kitsch. Anything real, anything tactile, will soon pale in comparison to any of these fantastical images that seem to fool far too many people; undiscerning audiences raised on decades of ridiculously "airbrushed" magazine covers and multi-million dollar CGI popcorn movies that look like video games. And as education becomes less and less of a priority, the quality of the written word will matter less and less, as well.

And AI is absolutely being used to fool people on a daily basis. To distort reality for the sake of a buck. Not only to devalue these various "creatives", of all stripes (painters, cartoonists, sign writers, stained glass artists, ceramicists, blacksmiths, furniture designers, yarn artists, cake artists, fashion designers, and so on), but as yet another way to scam the gullible with impossible products, and separate them from money they don't have to begin with.

To, in fact, devalue the individual, the consumer, the employee, the everyday Joe; losing jobs to AI-powered automation, forced to communicate with soulless chatbots and their frustratingly meaningless automated replies, and everyone's favourite, the indignity of the self-check-out. Of course the youth are so anxiety-ridden, now, by this mess we've all left them, they're welcoming the lack of human interaction. Great.

And, even more worryingly, to further sabotage the already broken political process, with fake images, spread through memes, that not only successfully fool fans and detractors of any leader or candidate, alike, but allow them to also deny reality. To claim that legitimately damning photos, authentic audio or videos have been, in fact, faked, whether they actually believe that to be so or not.

There's a difference between something that's clearly (or should be) satirical, and something that purports to be authentic, even if expressing something in a humorous way. And, unfortunately, that line is becoming hazier and hazier, as people seem to, somehow, be less and less informed, in this, supposedly, the information age. Not to mention the rationalisations: "well, 'they're' doing it". But as we move further into this age of disinformation, it is imperative that the left does not engage in this sort of chicanery. There are enough damning statements and real photographs of various political foes. Just because the (alt) right does it is not a good reason. Of course it was already an issue, to some extent, with Photoshopping, but AI is clearly compounding the problem. Some might say, purposefully. Indeed, all aspects of this malfeasance are being used by grifters, strategists, and propagandists, alike, to full effect.

In sum: Fuck AI.

[assenavlp]

The One With The Bored Billionaires

[assenavlp]

Neoliberalism paves the wave for reactionary populism, which ultimately leads to fascism.

[assenavlp]

Justin Trudeau: The photogenic face of neoliberalism

https://www.counterfire.org/article/justin-trudeau-the-photogenic-face-of-neoliberalism/

[assenavlp]

[assenavlp]

[assenavlp]

Mini-Take - 1

I know I tend to go on a bit, so for the short-attention-span crowd, I'm introducing my first🔥V's Mini-Take🔥™!

Carrot cake seems to be enjoying a renaissance at the moment (this year's banana bread?) so I just have to clarify and nip this nonsense in the bud: Pineapple and Coconut Do Not Belong in Carrot Cake The only acceptable add-ins are raisins, and walnuts or pecans. That is all. No elaboration or justification needed. It's "carrot cake", not a f*cking hot mess cake. If you add pineapple and/or coconut you are a d*mned heathen and a philistine. So-called Hawaiian pizza is bad enough, and I know I have my own countrymen to blame for that one, but this is a far more egregious sin, in my always humble opinion! It can not be allowed to be given a pass! If you're okay with it, and still insist on adding these things, then fine, but for the love of all things holy, call it something else. For f*ck's sake. Hummingbird Cake is taken (at least they had the decency to change the name, straight away, when they f*cked up a perfectly good banana cake), so how about Starling Cake? Yeah, I like that. Naming this abomination for an invasive species sounds about right to me. 😈🥕🥕🥕 Happy Easter Monday, y'all! 😉

April 5, 2021

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Mini-Take - 2

I just realised it's been way too long since I've done a Hot Take for all y'all, so in honour of tonight's dinner, which was glorious, here's a little 🔥 Mini Take 🔥 ...and it's gonna be a controversial one at that, so buckle up:

# 8 - Samin Nosrat's buttermilk roast chicken is totally basic.

Beyond overrated.

Boring and humdrum.

Yeah, that's what I said, b*tch. ZzzZzzzz

Sure, it's moist and tender, I'll give you that, but it's bland, and brining ruins the texture of the skin. It doesn't crisp up the way it should in a good roast chicken. You can see it in the photos, too; the odd way it browns. And then it tasted exactly the way it seemed it might. Bleh. And that's all I have to say about that.

Since a picture is worth a thousand more words, here's my traditional roast chicken.

Perfectly seasoned, crispy-skinned, and moist, to boot. Salt, herbs and spices, and butter, roasted atop a layer of seasoned potatoes and veg w/ olive oil. 325F for 90 minutes (for 3 1/2 lbs). Baste a couple of times, and then when it's done, collect the juices and make gravy. No day long prep time. No wasting of plastic bags. No waste of buttermilk or excessive amounts of salt. Perfection. Don't even try to object.

April 27, 2021 

[assenavlp]

V’s Hot Takes - 6

I'm feeling mean. I think I need more Easter chocolates. In the meantime, I think this means it's time for another 🔥V's Hot Takes🔥™             

#6 - There's Nothing F*cking Wrong With Table Salt

Years before everyone started in on the now old sea salt bandwagon, I had read how it was healthier because it was less processed and more flavourful - provided you buy the large crystals and grind it yourself. So, for years I did that. Meh. I never used any less salt. And it never tasted any better. And I doubt it provided any health benefits; science would seem to support that apprehension. Interestingly, there *may* be - depending upon factors like one's general diet, as well as location - negative health consequences to abandoning iodised salt. So even some sea salts are iodised, now.

Then the Food Network started in on the whole Kosher salt kick. Alton Brown was the first one who I noticed was adamant about its inclusion in recipes over table salt. I'd never even really heard of it before that, and certainly had never seen it at the grocery store. I love me some Alton and Good Eats, and the quarantine vids he does with his wife, but....meh.

Then I noticed, bit by bit, everyone seemed to be advocating for it. Not that it didn't exist before that just because I'd never heard of it, but, not unlike parchment paper, certain items we take for granted now, were once uncommon in your average supermarket.

Personally, I think this trend for every single recipe suddenly calling for Kosher salt, and all the claims that table salt has too much of a chemical taste, is a bunch of monkey-see, monkey-do horsesh*t. People have been told it's yucky and pedestrian by people who oughtta know these sorts of things - whut-ever - and since there's no emotional attachment to salt, like other products similarly besmirched, it's an easy sell, for instant sophistication.

Never mind that no one had a problem with food made with regular salt a decade ago.

If you need any proof that people's taste buds are affected by this sort of elitist nonsense, check out this recent Swedish wine study: "But when guests sampled the wine mislabeled to be more expensive, they reported enjoying it more." https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/644261/wine-tastings-cheap-stuff-tastes-better-if-you-think-its-expensive 

Another thing to consider is that, according to one study, something like 69% of Americans literally don't know the difference between butter and margarine. I've personally observed, over the years, that most people aren't able to taste the difference between real and fake vanilla, though I always use the former - because the difference is extreme. So, suddenly everyone is able to tell the difference between kosher salt and iodized salt inside that dish you just prepared? Puh-leeease. https://www.swnsdigital.com/2019/12/believe-it-or-not-nearly-70-of-americans-cant-tell-the-difference-between-butter-and-margarine/ 

And speaking of butter...the folks who are so proud of saying that no matter how much a recipe calls for unsalted, they still use salted? Get the f*ck out of here! Okay, let me start off by saying, I love salt. I use salt liberally. I eschew low salt, low sodium products. Low sodium soy sauce? Barf! Low-salt popcorn? B*tch! Give me the damn salt. But...if you cut down on the ultra-processed, salt-laden foods, cut down on salt in general and save it for dishes that really need it; if you don't smoke; if you don't overwhelm and dull your olfactory senses with toxic, scented products in every part of your home, clothing, and personal care products, you'll find that things like unsalted butter are actually full of flavour, after all. Plus, it's fresher and you'll have better control over your own salt usage.

And now that your palate is more sensitive, yes, yes, when doing a side by side taste test of different salts (I've done it) you will notice there really are subtly different notes to each of them. But unless you are biologically some kind of freak 'supertaster', if you can actually taste the difference between regular iodized table salt or Kosher salt...or Himalayan pink salt, for that matter...once it's inside that hearty stew you just made, you're still using too much salt. Either that or you're a wicked mangiacake who uses so little seasoning, of course a fancy salt passes for flavour.

Incidentally, technically I *am* a mangiacake, so I can use that slur. Ha! Granted, the flakiness or size of grain absolutely can make in difference in particular recipes, and it can also make for a slight difference in the volume of measurement, so I do acknowledge certain caveats, but in general, everyday cooking....pffffft! It's like sesame oil...if you're using it as anything other than a finishing touch, it's going to waste. "But what about 'flavoured' salts?" Get the f*ck outta here with that nonsense! I was at an event once where the featured drink of the evening was a margarita with a smoked-salted rim. That sh*t was some incongruous, pretentious nastiness. And while I'm at it, just stop already with all the salted cookies and desserts. Don't even get me started on bacon added to sweets... April 4, 2021 .

[assenavlp]

V’s Hot Takes - 5

Another Sunday. Another week in lockdown as the third wave commences because impatient f*cking people keep trying to rush through this process. So another day for me to piss and moan about things that don't really matter, in the grand scheme of things. ;) It's a tough, thankless job, but someone's gotta do it. I guess.

That's right, A$$holes, it's time for another installment of 🔥V's Hot Takes🔥™!

#5 Holy Sourdough, Batman!

Okay, I don't want to waste anyone's time, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it. No prevaricating about the bush, as Wallace would say before tucking into some fine Wensleydale cheese. No stalling for time, drawing people further and further in...Where was I? Oh, yeah...okay. Here it is:

The current trend for grossly exaggerated holes in sourdough bread is simply bad bread-making bullsh*t, popularized only through privilege. Boom.

  Bread. Since the dawn of civilization, the milling of grains and the baking of bread has provided the basic sustenance of life. 

What do corrupt leaders provide their deprived masses when they want to keep them happy/distracted/apathetic? Bread and circuses! 

What is classically the least prisoners are fed? Bread and water. 

Bread is hearty and filling. Bread is "the staff of life". 

When we peasants can't afford to eat anything, at least there's bread. 

Such an important thing is bread, that being able to buy it pre-sliced is still synonymous with being the best one can be. 

But with that automation came, too, the decline of bread. In North America, in particular, we lost our taste for good, hearty foodstuffs, favouring instead highly-processed, bleached, light and squishy, air-filled breads (and cakes, for that matter). Cheaper, and quicker to produce, and less nutritious (despite so-called enrichment), but all the better to feed the working classes.

Now don't get me wrong...I love that stuff, too. A classic grilled cheese made with Wonder Bread and Kraft Singles; there are few finer nostalgic comfort foods. I'm no damned food snob as far as that and a lot of other things go. But it's not snobbery to acknowledge that no matter how tasty, mass-produced bread that is readily squished into a compact, heavy ball is not quality foodstuffs. 

Despite its ubiquity, though, smaller baking companies continued to bake traditional breads; hearty, dense sourdoughs; rye breads, pumpernickels, and so on. Eventually, smaller-still bakeries started producing niche items, and that horrible word "artisanal" was introduced, and a whole world of bready elitism was born. 

And then the pandemic came. And people who had never baked bread before decided now was the time. (Which is awesome! Seriously. I'm not being facetious, for once. Ha!)

And then the yeast disappeared, along with the toilet paper.

So then there was sourdough. Everywhere. 

And yeah...I was a sourdough newbie, too. Getting the starter down was a bit of a process. I won't lie. But my previous experience with commercial-yeast bread-making held me in good stead, so once I got that down, I was pumping out quality loaves in no time. I prefer to knead by hand, and I was achieving a delicious, tightly crumbed loaf with little to no big air holes...one of the cardinal sins, from over-proofing and/or not punching the dough down enough, in between stages. Some breads have a more open crumb, which I have absolutely nothing against, but that's not what I was after. If I was making a nice French baguette, I'd want an open crumb.

After some time I thought it might be fun to seek out other sourdough bakers, newbies and otherwise, and see what they were up to, and to share and show off my own loaves. In fairly short order I realised there were two sharply-divided camps. A small, quiet, tight-crumb camp; people I can only assume, who are familiar with old skool bread. And then, not just an open-crumb camp, but this odd sort of very enthusiastic, extreme-lacy-crumb-plus-giant-"ears" camp. I found it baffling. So eager to avoid any sort of density in their bakes. And I don't  mean gumminess or other signs of poor proofing or uneven baking. Simply, bready size queens trying to out-do one another. And when they want something "for sandwiches", they revert to some sort of fluffy milk bread. 

I grew up eating sourdoughs and ryes and not one of them ever had a giant phallic ridge extending off the top of it. In fact, one of my first loaves had had a corner sticking up, and I was quick to think back at how I might have scored it so that I might prevent such an error the next time! Ha! Little did I know.

Nor were there any holes. Well, maybe the odd little one here and there. But no giant holes. Let alone a series of holes comprising the entire f*cking loaf. But now there were people oohing and ahhing these giant holes. These things I had always known to be signs of poor preparation. And yes, I know these holes are different than the tunnels in otherwise even bread, that even they seem to know are bad form.

Awhile back, I made the cartoon, below, as a commentary on this phenomenon. Of course it was an exaggeration. Or so I thought. A satirical response. But it wasn't long before I realised, like most satire these days, it seems; I didn't take it far enough. My drawing was even closer to the absurd reality than I might have dared imagine. 

I'm sorry, but the staff of life is not built on long, glutinous strands of f*cking air.

 Mmmm, let's dine on connective tissue. 

They may look cool and all on your Instagram, but holes do not feed the masses. It seems that may be the point.

March 28, 2021 

Somehow I didn’t go far enough:

Exactly! Though they're still a little too conciliatory, IMHO. ;-) :

Mmmmmm, strandy air:

At least they can tell this ain't right:

[assenavlp]

V's Hot Takes - 4

Happy Thursday, A$$holes!

Today on V's Hot Takes™....

#4 Fishing For Likes

How to get hundreds (or even thousands) of reacts on the soon-to-be Formerly the NYT Cooking Community...

Do: include a photo of your food. Don't: forget to light and compose the photo perfectly, lest you offend all the snooty Karens who will take any opportunity to scoff at anyone else's efforts to make themselves feel better.

Do: use your photo editor to improve your photos. Don't: make it 'too' perfect lest you trigger all the jealous Karens. See "double-bind".

Do: express fear or vulnerability in posting. It will trigger the mothering instinct. Don't: express confidence. It will be willfully mistaken for arrogance.

Do: ask to be excused for your poor craftsmanship and/or photography. Don't: actually include a bad photo.

Do: include babies, children, and pets. Don't: forget to include the phrase "for the algorithm", even though including photos has nothing to do with why people ignore or don't ignore posts. See Asch Conformity Experiment.

Do: hop on the bandwagon of the most current trend. Don't: miss it by a nanosecond or else you'll have to wait for a second wave.

Do: mention that you're ill or cooking for an ill friend or family member. Don't: go into too much detail or go to that well too often, lest you enrage the cynical Karens.

Do: post basic food and basic recipes with mass North American appeal. Don't: post so-called 'exotic' dishes, because no matter how many good-intentioned people rally around various threads to shun people for yucking other peoples' yums, they sure ain't gonna lift a finger to like a photo of some 'weird' food they aren't actually familiar with.

Do: share food that is easy to replicate. Don't: share food that scares people off because it has more than 5 steps or ingredients.

Do: share humorous images and memes. Don't: be shocked by the scores of people who have no sense of humour and aren't afraid to tell people.

Do: humble-brag when you post your expensive cookware. Don't: mind all the poors who have generic - not to mention mismatched - pots and dishes.

Do: find a successful formula that panders to the lowest common denominator and beat it to death. Don't: forget to include the f*cking recipe. 

March 25, 2021

[assenavlp]

V’s Hot Takes - 3

And so it's Monday. The beginning of another so-called "week" in this neverending existential nightmare, where one day blends into the next, differentiated only by what's on TV, tonight.

I was planning on toning things down today. Apparently scones touched a nerve and scared some people off, yesterday, but then I filled up on my weekly Sunday Marathon of House episodes, and I decided "f*ck that noise"! So without further ado, my fellow a$$holes....

Welcome back to V's Hot Takes™!

#3: Metric....

Oh, no, she isn't gonna...oh, yes, she is...

Metric in the home kitchen is highly f*cking overrated. And by overrated I mean, a pain in the f*cking a$$!

I grew up in the '70s, in Canada, where Metric was introduced into the school curriculum alongside the Imperial system, so I, like most Gen-X Canadians, am able to function with both. There's even a meme for that. (Plus I learned real math, not this "new math" bullsh*t that turns what should be quick and intuitive shortcuts that one learns once one actually understands math, into ridiculously convoluted formulas.)Some things work better with Metric. Others are better with Imperial.

Yes, yes, Metric is all lovely in its simple logic and uniformity, blah, blah, blah, and for science, it's perfect. One might think that I, as someone with OCD, would appreciate that sort of thing. However, I am also a creative thinker. Imperial works on an intuitive level. That's how it was designed....based on the measurements of body parts and such, however messy and imperfect that is. Yeah, I can never remember how many feet are in a mile either. Who cares? We're not talking engineering or city planning, here.

Besides, there's beauty and logic in fractions. I hated taking math in school, but since I did, and since I spent a hell of a lot of time learning those fractions, I'll be damned if I'm going to put that skill to waste!

"But it's so precise!"

Unless you're working in mass production, you really do not need that kind of precision. Seriously. Even for sourdough. You heard me, b*tch. Zip it! Cooking shouldn't be like a bloody episode of The Anal-Retentive Chef!

Everyone's moaning about the overly-long cooking blogs, these days, like everyone's suddenly forgotten how to scroll. A recipe that's all in Metric...or even worse, all in Mass...with no conversions to Imperial, though? That's what triggers MY back-button finger. Buh-bye.

There's an article from The Atlantic going around at the moment that mentions the old notion that hyper attention to measuring, in cooking, is a female trait. I grew up hearing that and it's crossed my mind in recent months as I've seen many, male and female, who have latched onto weighing everything to the last nanogram on a digital scale. Barf. Whether it's a female trait or not, I think there are different factors at play...experience in the kitchen, confidence in one's own skills and palate, and whether the crowd one is cooking for is finicky or hyper-critical, etc., and whether they (or oneself, for that matter) 'allow' one to be creative and accept the failures that can be part of the process. (ie. You don't have to cook for a controlling d*ck.)

"But cooking is an art and baking is a science!"

Yeah, that's an old one, too. Of course there's truth to it. You can't just wing your baking soda into something willy-nilly and pray that it turns out. I think the two styles can and do co-exist, though. The Yin and Yang of the kitchen...or the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup conundrum: you got your science in my art... you got your art in my science...I am an improvisational cook (and baker) and add a swoosh of this and a handful of that, but I also follow a specific recipe when I am looking for a specific result. When I am creating a recipe, I measure to set a benchmark for further experimentation and improvisation...

I digress.

Maybe you disagree but 2/3rds of a cup, 3/4ths of a cup...half of that is 3/8ths...which is also 6Tbs....it's just easier to remember than 150ml or 175ml or 350ml of this and that. The divisions are too small and TOO uniform. It's boring...it lacks distinctive markers to trigger easy recall. It's harder to differentiate items in a list of ingredients. Supposedly the theory of different learning styles has been discredited, but that's my learning style.

"Weighing solves everything."

Oh, my f*cking God, it's so tedious. There are only a few things I regularly use a scale for in my kitchen; like chocolate pistoles, when I make ganache or mousse; or carrots and bananas, when I make cake. The notion that you can't achieve consistency without using Mass is ludicrous. Yes, there are things like humidity and room temperature that affect many ingredients, but no amount of weighing is going to save you during extreme weather changes if you don't have a controlled indoor climate. In addition to the science of it all, there's a certain familiarity and finesse one learns through experience. There's a deeper understanding that comes from the mistakes.

And there's this strange sort of arrogance...that those of us who have been cooking and baking all of these years have been doing it wrong; that we couldn't have possibly successfully made anything without having used the Metric System!

Maybe part of the problem is that we have a generation who has grown up without home-ec classes (they should bring them back, for girls and boys, both, this time...and anyone differently-gendered), and a culture that has looked down on home-cooking, striving for convenience - so that we can work, work, work ourselves to death - and now suddenly everyone's trying to make up for all those lost years, all at once, and being hyper critical in this regard makes up for the lack of experience? "A poor craftsman blames his tools"? Who knows? That's just a theory off the top of my head.

Whatever the case, you'll pry my vintage Imperial measuring cups and spoons out of my cold, dead, f*cking hands! 

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2021/04/when-did-following-recipes-become-a-personal-failure/618085/ 

March 22, 2021

[assenavlp]

V’s Hot Takes - 2

Happy Sunday, a$$holes!

Welcome to episode 2 of V's Hot Takes™!

So, it's tea time. Are you thinking of having some scones? Yeah? You like 'em really sweet and cakey, with lots of stuff in 'em? Maybe a light glaze? Yeah?

Well, settle in, cupcake, 'cuz those ain't f*cking scones!

"But I like them!"

Yeah, so? I really like some of them, too. They're still not f*cking scones!

Real scones have very little sugar in them, and they aren't supposed to be light or flakey.

I made my first batch of scones when I was around 10. Yeah, I was precocious. Big f*cking surprise. Deal with it. I'd never had them before but my parents spoke of them with fondness, from their few years of living in London, before coming back to Canada, before I was born. Back then, scones weren't yet a thing in Canada, let alone in the US.

Nevertheless, I used our 1960s edition of the Fannie Farmer cookbook. 2 little teaspoons of sugar per 2 cups of flour. Plus a little extra sprinkled on top. That's it. An older edition of her book is pretty much the same. The Joy of Cooking clocks in with a little more sugar at a still reasonable 1Tbs (3tsp).Adjusting for a ratio of 2 cups flour, Julia Child's recipe comes in with significantly more, at 2Tbs+2tsp. Though, technically, it's not her recipe. (But the captain of the ship has to take responsibility for her crews' errors...) Credit is given to Marion Cunningham, who has apparently revised the Fannie Farmer cookbook. I assume that probably includes the old scone recipe. That's a shame.

I don't know what Mary Berry of The GBBO is thinking...hers comes in at a scant more than that. That's almost treasonous!

A Canadian website uses approximately 3Tbs+2tsp. *GASP* Curiously, they also have a sugar-free recipe, almost as if it's an afterthought.

Mark Bittman, of our old NYT, goes for a straight 3 Tbs, even after having talked about how American scones are too sweet. WTF? Pick a side, buddy.

And so on. Many of the most common recipes seem to hover in and around that 2-3Tbs mark.

Nigella, on the other hand, doesn't include ANY sugar in her recipe! Though she does switch it up a bit by using straight cream of tartar and baking soda rather than baking powder...which is a combination of those things, but anyway. She describes them as "light" ....hmmm...My Irish cookbook, uses a scant 1 1/2 tsp of sugar per 2 cups of flour.

A complete outlier comes from one of those generic sort of international cookbook series from the early 1970s...a full 5tbs+1tsp of sugar, adjusting for 2 cups of flour. What. The. Actual. F*ck? That's a bloody muffin, dude. (And muffins...that's a story for another f*cking day!)

Then there's the whole issue of pronunciation....is it skOWN, or is it skAWN. Good news! Either is perfectly acceptable. I say skAWN, because that's how my parents said it, back then. My mom has since switched teams to skOWN. So if you find yourself wanting to correct someone on that one, don't bother. It's a regional thang.

Any Curb Your Enthusiasm fans? Larry David knows the score.

https://youtu.be/zODFb85fauA

Enjoy the rest of your damn day!

March 21, 2021

[assenavlp]

V’s Hot Takes - 1

Exported from another place I post.... 

Okay, a$$holes. Here's the deal with baking with waxed paper if you don't have parchment on hand, or if it's not in your budget. (Unless you can get store brand, the name brand stuff is a lot more expensive than waxed.) 

It's Fiiiiiii-NE.

No, seriously. It's f*cking fine. 

Once upon a time parchment paper wasn't a common item in most supermarkets, ya know. We Gen-Xers knew how to deal with limited options.

"Oh, my Gawwd, it's going to stick to your food."

Only if you f**king overbake your cake.

Only if you cool your cake in the fridge before taking it out of the pan, in which case, briefly warm the bottom of the pan.

Might one little corner stick to the bottom of the cake? Sure! Peel it off. Use the tip of a paring knife, if you have to.

"Oh, my Gawdd, it's going to burn. Fire!!!"

If it's in a cake pan, covered with cake batter (or brownie batter), there's no way for it to f*cking ignite. Science, b*tches. Even if you put it up the sides and you have an edge sticking up over the batter, at 350 or even 375, for 30 minutes or so, it's not going to turn into a fireball. It gets brown. Big whoop.

"Oh, my Gawwd, it's going to leave waxy residue on the cake."

Any residue is completely f*cking negligible. There's not that much wax on the bloody paper, to begin with. (Especially if you buy the store brand....avoid that stuff.) Seriously, there used to be more, and even then, it wasn't a damn problem. You can't taste it, and it's not toxic. Don't f*cking worry about it.

Are there EXCEPTIONS? Of course there are f*cking exceptions.

For example: Extended bakes. Don't use waxed paper if you're baking meringues. There's no fat in 'em. They'll stick. Go figure. Bakes at high heat. Don't use it for your sourdough. Use your bloody head.

Pics or it didn't happen? Okay, fine. I just baked a mini batch of cookies just to prove my point. The things I do for you wretches. I won't enjoy these cookies, at all! Full disclosure, I wouldn't normally use waxed paper for these...just straight on the sheet. 375F. 10 minutes. The paper's barely browned. Does it get smokey? For sure. Turn on the f*cking exhaust fan. Or crack a window if you don't have one. My last house didn't have one. Did a little of the cookie stick to the paper? Yeah. So? I used my metal spatula to slide them free...just the same as when I do, baking straight on the pan.

My POINT? If someone asks if they can substitute waxed paper for parchment, in a pinch, calm your f*cking t*t and stop with all the alarmism and hysterical "NOoooooo's". Take the caveats, above, into consideration, and don't tell people not to do something just because you saw it on a website, without having any actual experience in the matter.

This has been your premiere episode of  V's Hot Takes ™.Stay tuned!

(Crap....the little flame emoji won’t post within the text. WTF, tumblr?) 

March 20, 2021

[assenavlp]

[assenavlp]

Republicans be like...