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[astrojaxsaga]

April is going well ! I have started a harder (more cardio-based) gym series called Fuel from Caroline Girvan. It kicks my ass. Mainly because after doing Iron so many times, I'm much more used to the slower paced workouts with much higher weights. In comparison, Fuel is humbling. I usually can do the equivalent weight Caroline does (in lbs, because she uses kgs and is wayyyyyy stronger than me) and sometimes I can even add an extra 10 - 15 lbs, but nope not a chance in this new program. And the cardio focused days (RE: solely HIT) are absolutely brutal.

I think I'm making good progress though. I suppose the additional cardio component is what I was looking to add to my routine.

I did end up finding some dresses online for the wedding. Though, LMAO, NOBODY mentioned that the venue was in Vatican City (RE: not a modern venue more central to Rome like I had thought), and that there was additional requirements to the "formal" dress code. The invites online didn't mention anything and I only happened to check the website thoroughly today. Apparently I can't show my shoulders (fine I have a shawl) or knees (fuuuuuuck both the dresses I bought trail behind but are right above the fucking knees in the front !). I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do.

Good thing that I can still show ankles at least ?

[astrojaxsaga]

Amennnnn

[astrojaxsaga]

@me remembering that even if the weight is slow to come off I can SEE the body recomposition and I'm feeling very strong and fit 💪 definitely building lots of muscle right now

STOP THINKING THERE IS A DEADLINE. THERE IS NO DEADLINE. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND TAKE YOUR TIME.

[astrojaxsaga]

[astrojaxsaga]

[astrojaxsaga]

Wiiiiiiiish me luck. Going dress shopping tomorrow (everything is so expensive that is cute and everything that's within my budget doesn't fit well and is made of shitty synthetic materials, lol love itttttt) for my "revenge dress". I'm nervous, but I should try to take pictures to remind myself I might feel bad about myself now, but I'll look back like a week later and realize that I was just being mean to myself and giving myself a hard time. We are working on self-grace and kindness 👉👉

[astrojaxsaga]

[astrojaxsaga]

My April goal is to mind my business.

What I mean by that is, I spend an awful lot of energy on people. When people talk to me about their problems, I get way too personally invested. I feel what they're feeling. Sometimes more than they do, in their own given situation. I overextend myself to take on some of their emotional load. Most of the time when I'm not even asked to. When I do this, I try too much to solve their problems. I give them ideas on how to fix what's going on, and get frustrated when people don't take my advice. I spend too much of my own energy thinking of solutions FOR them, and neglect my own problems (maybe because it's a welcome distraction idk). If there is no solution, I extend myself to them in a way that could be useful; like any kind of assistance that I can offer, I do. Sometimes it's an over-commitment and I overwhelm myself and become anxious. All of these things strain myself above and beyond what is useful or necessary, and it's not like they aren't appreciated, but my actions are too much for my life if that makes sense.

It's just such a mental strain, and daily toll. And if I would just let people live their lives, and stop trying to help so much, stop trying to inject myself, they would figure it out for themselves all the same. I guess I just hurt when my friends/family hurt. I guess I just constantly feel like I need to fight for people in any situation. Maybe because I didn't feel like I had anyone fighting for me back when things were really hard ? Not sure.

So now, when I feel the urge to take on other people's stress, I'm going to try to be as differentiated as possible. I can still offer advice, but I need to stop trying to involve myself so much. Whatever/whenever/however they choose to do what they will is up to them. There is no right answer.

It's not my place. It's not my life. It's not my business. Mind my business.

[astrojaxsaga]

Been having some body dysmorphia the past two days. It stems from me wanting to buy some new clothes for working out and also a dress for an upcoming wedding my partner and I are going to in Italy at the end of April. Which I am looking forward to ! But am also kindof nervous about.

The first half of this issue is based on the fact that I was trying to buy a skirt and workout pants online recently. In two instances, I hurt my own feelings, but these sizing schemes for women are so bullshit. The first of these instances happened when I realized that Hot Topic is in Canada (idk why I didn't know but I assumed since it wasn't on Vancouver Island where I live, that it wasn't in the country lol) and I was interested in seeing if they had any cute skirts. I have never been a skirt person because I am hyper aware of my hips - I think I only look good in fitted jeans TBH, but I wanted to see if I could hype myself up to try some if they were my vibe. Anyways, I know Hot Topic is for junior's sizes (which are really just the odd numbers in between adult women's sizes) and also that Hot Topic sizes tend to run small. What I did NOT expect was HOW small. The combination of their clothes being for teens + running small in sizes, resulted in HT categorizing me as plus sized...which I am not, and have never been. I really wouldn't have minded if like, I currently would be wearing an XL and HT's sizing bumped me up into plus sizes, but that's just utterly not true. I am typically a medium, and am maybe pushing a large just for comfort. It just seemed so insanely innacurate that it really pissed me off. I was so mad that HT would have such horrific vanity sizes; literally what is the point, how is this useful to the consumer ??

A second instance of online shopping that made me sad, happened again when I went on a website my roommate recommended to buy workout leggings. The website's "size calculator" was 400% wrong; it asked the user for weight and height as input. According to my rommate's "measurements" (130 lb 5ft4), she would only be able to wear their large size. Which is crazy, because she already wears this brand and wears a small. When I put in my "measurements" it said that they can't recommend any of their sizes. Basically, it considers me too fat to wear their products. It's not even correct (because I checked their sizing chart and it said I'd be a M/L, and even if I changed the weight down to 140 lbs it says NOTHING would fit), but I let my feelings get hurt anyways. :/

RE: wedding in Italy

It feels really pathetic, but I stopped posting images of myself online in 2022 after my partner and I attended a wedding in Michigan. At the time, I was already aware that my weight had been up (not as high as it had *ever* been, but close), but I had been working out pretty consistently and was feeling strong and healthy. Except for the weekends out with friends. In general, I was eating good food throughout the week and would splurge when I drank too much. Considering that I wasn't actively gaining, I didn't really mind the way I looked.

For the Michigan wedding, I went out to pick out a dress with my partner and I found one from H&M that was open-backed and cotton-based (I think) and relatively cheap. I tried it on over my clothes and bought it (this was covid in Canada so, no dressing rooms and the place was hella understaffed anyways), and decided to wear it to the wedding. Fast forward to our travels there, the airline lost our luggage for 3 days and so I didn't have the dress for the beginning of the wedding (we had to rush out and buy a whole bunch of new stuff). I ended up wearing one of my MIL's extra dresses that she had brought (she is a saint). But !! The luggage did arrive during the wedding. So I am in some photos at the wedding wearing one of my in my MIL's dresses, but then later in the evening I went back to the AirBnB to change into the H&M dress and I have photos in that one too. Everyone was talking about how cool the dress was and my back tattoo, and I thought I looked really great.

However, a few weeks later I see photos of me that had been taken where I was in the H&M dress, and after I saw them, I was like...absolutely mortified. I had been wearing shapewear, so this wasn't like a physical thing on my body that I had ever seen before. And it must just be how the dress and the cotton fabric hung on me. But it made me look like I had a huge pouch on my stomach that I did NOT physically have. It looked like I was either pregnant or had a massive growth hanging off of my stomach. I really hated it. I hated it so much and how bad it made me feel, that I stopped taking pictures of myself for a really long time.

Nowadays, I just don't post photos of myself except the timed instagram stories that only last 24 hours, because I just don't feel like committing to a post. I don't like the permanent-ness of having something up that others could compare past versions of myself to, and I don't know why I care, but I do. So this whole Italy wedding that I am going to, I guess I really wanted it to be like a "revenge dress" scenario...but the revenge is, on myself ? I just want to feel confident and beautiful and not anxious. But I don't know how to do that yet.

Next weekend I will try finding something at the mall to wear to the Italy wedding, and I will try to keep in mind that the clothes are meant to fit me, not the other way around...I just really hate the energy it takes to remind myself to be differentiated. Clothes are clothes are clothes are clothes.

[astrojaxsaga]

[astrojaxsaga]

Never really got around to doing a Feb update, so here goes.

Largely I've been maintaining throughout last month. Not mad about it. Obviously I'd like to be making better progress since we have a wedding we are going to in April, but I've had a ton of work stuff occupying my time. I've been taking the bus more so I can get work done at the office (it's more fruitful to work around colleagues sometimes), and the route is 1hr15 there and back, so, at least 2.5 hours of my day. I've been reading Galactic Astronomy on my way into work, which is some really great context on things I know but don't know the full breadth of. I've been staying mostly on track at work which is important, I don't want to be overwhelmed at the end of the term. Because I've taken on an additional work opportunity (creating assignments for a graduate Galactic Archaeology course, and getting extra income for it) the research has been pretty slow. I'm learning a lot though and still staying on top of it, and I'm getting out of debt. So, win win.

But yeah, haven't worked out for over a a week and a half (until yesterday) due to busy work stuff, but also I had the absolute worsssstttt cramp in my glute in the middle of the night right before I stopped going to the gym. I had been sleeping on my stomach one night, with one leg raised cause it feels good on my hips, and I must have fallen asleep incredibly hard and fast lol, because suddenly it's 1 am and I wake up to just immense pain. Took me at least 30 minutes to foam roll it out, so that made me take a break from going to the gym.

It's crazy to me how much getting exercise (or lack thereof) can affect my mood. I'm realizing there are certain things that help me feel less anxious but the thing is, when you're stressed you don't feeeeeel like doing them. Sometimes the overwhelm clouds your judgement. But also it's hard to know the difference between your body needing rest and knowing that adding more to your plate will help the issue.

Anyways. Doing fine. Getting back to working out. March should be good progress 👍

[astrojaxsaga]

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Kate Baer, from And Yet: Poems; “Idea”

[Text ID: “I will enjoy this life. I will open it like a peach in season, suck the juice from every finger, run my tongue over my chin. I will not worry about clichés or uninvited guests peering in my windows. I will love and be loved. Save and be saved a thousand times. I will let the want into my body, bless the heat under my skin. My life, I will not waste it. I will enjoy this life.”]

[astrojaxsaga]

The projects at the forefront of my mind right now are taking up a lot more mental space than usual, and so weight loss has become a secondary concern. I'm mostly just focused on whether or not I am sticking to my macros, making time for the gym (even if I need to take a small break over the weekend, I'm not bent out of shape anymore if I dont get to the gym 5 - 6x a week), and I have stopped taking my Fitbit calories burned seriously. My watch appears to grossly exaggerate the amount of calories burned in a day, and I have a feeling this is more of an algorithm issue for those who fit into a higher BMI/body fat category than the "average" person based in these scales. Fitbit can be innacurate up to 20% (which is nuts, if you actually burned 2500 that would mean it could read up to 3000) and I guess this is an issue for people with higher BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate, or the calories you burn just to be alive) because you are already starting with a higher calorie burning rate to begin with. I had this same problem with my last watch, and I thought buying a new one would fix it but I guess the technology just is not there yet.

At any rate, the next few weeks will be focused on lots of work stuff. And also one super fun thing, which is that my partner and I are going to Italy for a wedding in April (: the wedding is in Rome, and we just booked our second AirBnB in Naples for the second half of the trip. I was really nervous due to cost of travel right now while I am working to pay off my credit card and get out of debt, but Naples AirBnB's were like 1/3rd less than the cost of Rome, and Europe has much cheaper (and tastier) food than BC. So I think our budget is reasonable and we should be in good shape to do some museums and eat good food. I'm pretty conservative when I travel though, so I will try to keep our budget under lock in case anything crazy happens.

I have some upcoming conferences I need to write abstracts for: two are in Toronto (back to back) and two others are in Durham UK (also back to back). I also need to have a meeting with my supervising committee regarding whether or not I'm on track to finish my research by the deadline I proposed (which I did not know I was supposed to have had ! Oh well). Anyways, lots of fun stuff to look forward to(:

[astrojaxsaga]

[astrojaxsaga]

30, flirty, and thriving 🧡🖤🤍

[astrojaxsaga]