at-least-theres-wine

[at-least-theres-wine]

Sits While He Pees

 Yep. You read that. He sits. He tucks. And he pees. Or is it tucks then sits then pees? I don’t know I didn’t work out the mechanics of it all. And before I get more into this story, let me tell y’all this man got a second date. Judge me. It’s fine. Let’s just chalk it up to my new found enthusiasm for dating. Hint sarcasm.

How we met: I met him during my clinical rotation for school at a skilled nursing facility. I was initially attracted to the fact that he seemed pretty good at his job. He was kind, but quiet. I guess I like it when they don’t talk much. Anyway, his position is basically the certified assistant to what I went to school for. So technically, I’d be his boss. Was that weird? Eh, I thought “I’m a secure lady, no one cares”. Who doesn’t like to be the boss ass bitch? He seemed okay with it as well (which 1-point to him, he’s secure), because one day he asked me if I’d like to hang out after work. As a student… it’s probably not a good idea to date the people that you’re working with. Oh well. Lesson Learned. Blame the blog.

Drinks: Alright, I don’t technically call this a first date. We both had 1 drink at this bar after work. I wanted to order dinner, but he didn’t want to eat. (weird right). Later I found out he didn’t want to waste his money on someone if he didn’t see it going anywhere. I get it, but dude… come on. He also told me he doesn’t drink, which is okay. However, it does make things a little awkward when obviously I drink and enjoy drinking socially with friends, or with my dog on a casual Tuesday. BUT I could oversee this. During these drinks he talked about his love for traveling, and planning weekend trips. I love traveling! He also told me he doesn’t have any desire to pursue going farther in his career, or buying a house, or any goals like that. He also told me he’s tried to date other students at this skilled nursing facility. Yeah… I should have cut it off right then and there. I’m new to this, and I’m learning. So, I turned the convo back to his traveling adventures (shared interest right?). Mistake. He opened his phone to show me an hour by hour schedule for his next trip. The restaurants he was going to, with the food he was going to order, the price (apparently, he must plan/know what he’ll order before he can go to a restaurant), uber distances and prices ect. Is this weird?? Do other people do this? Don’t get me wrong I’m a planner, I thrive on being organized. However, I also enjoy being spontaneous and don’t like holding myself to tight restrictions like that. Literally, my anxiety started saying no girl, run.

Anyway. Obviously didn’t listen.

WE PLANNED ANOTHER DATE. Why? Why… I guess I’m trying to be more open and give things a chance.

Secondish date: A family center. A place that has an arcade, mini golf, batting cages. You. Know. Bunch of kids running rampant. FML. The man is 31. Laugh at me, it’s fine. I will tell you I was stoked for some mini golf though. Which I could have just done that, and gone home and said, “well that was fun”. But no. He wanted to show off the fact that he used to play basketball and so we waited in line behind some 8-year-old child to shoot some arcade baskets. (My soul, slowly dying). He then managed to get me to agree to trying out the batting cages. I don’t know I’m trying to be more adventurous, but your girl does not do sports. I am athletic. I am not sporty. Next thing I know I had balls shooting out left and right coming at my face. I was like, well maybe this is one of those cute movie moments where he can stand behind me and teach me something he’s good at... No again. I was in there ALONE. Ball hit my finger, instant pain and swelling. Literally looking at my finger now there’s still a bump, which may develop into some arthritis someday. Ahh memories. Worse even, he wasn’t even concerned that I was in pain. I was sooo done. I turned to him and told him I needed a glass of wine. At least there’s wine right?

Luckily, we just happened to be right next to a Cheesecake Factory. Joy! Okay okay I do love that place, but not the best for a first dinner date in my opinion. It was all good though, I got my wine. He stuck with water, because you remember he doesn’t drink, “that’s a waste of money”. Lord help me. Anyway, I tried to make the best out of the situation, trying to think of fun questions/conversation starters. We got on the topic of our weird quirks. Which brings me to his causal, “well, I sit while I pee” statement. Hold for dramatic pause.

To be honest I don’t think my brain fully registered what I had heard. I mean, you don’t hear that every day. He must have read my blank stare, because he kept going on about it. He described that at work, he uses the patient’s “practice bathroom” (where we assess if the patient is safe enough to independently return home) so he can sit down and pee in peace. He talked about how it’s actually a good thing for his girlfriends (what girlfriends…), because I would never have to worry about the seat being up. Well, you got me there. The date dwindled down. I didn’t say much about it, just did one of those slow head nods when you have no idea what’s going on. He then pulled out a CF gift card, to pay for dinner. Score!

He did kiss me. Just like a normal peck. You know, it was fine. I think I was a little in shock and drained from the events of the day. I got home and he was asking me on another date. In all honesty, I was like: good for you dude. You text back, you make plans, you *technically* paid for the date, you have a job and live on your own. These are all positive things one should look for. Unfortunately, I am not interested. I began really dissecting the sit-down peeing thing later on. My undergrad is in psychology and my first thought was, “is this something psychological? Something about control?  Was your mother too anal about potty training?”. Maybe it’s none of those things. Either way, I really shouldn’t judge someone for that. You wanna pee sitting down, in a hand-stand, on one leg up? You do you boo. It’s just not for me.

I guess that’s something I could say I learned from this whole thing. During this process there’s going to be things that come up that don’t work for me. It doesn’t make them bad guys, but I also believe there is power in knowing what I want and sticking to it. No settling. You are important enough to get what you want out of life. Does it match up with what they want? In the end “Sits While He Pees” and I had nothing in common. His obsessive planning would have stressed me out, and he probably would have hated being dragged to a brewery on the weekend with my friends.

Update: I told him I wasn’t interested in dating him, because I didn’t have those romantic feelings for him. He told me he didn’t understand… yadda yadda and that I needed to give him a better reason than that. But do I? Can’t I just say no thank you? It’s done? You accept it? This is the part of dating I just don’t like. But don’t worry, he explained that I’m probably just afraid that he’ll hurt me. That there’s something wrong with me, not him. Yep. Thank you. You’re right pee dude. Tell me how I feel, because I LOVE that. I held my tongue… (I still had to see this guy at work on occasion). He ended it with, “your loss :)” Oh man you’re right, my loss. My loss to study you as a psychological specimen of why the fuck you pee sitting down. Also, any guy that texts the “:)” face, my theory is a little psycho.

Thank u, next.

At least there’s wine!

[at-least-theres-wine]

About Me.

*gulps generous amount of cab sav*. Okay.

Before I embark on the purpose of this *gulp* dating blog, let me first tell you a little bit about who I am in regards to my dating history. Guys, I haven’t even talked about this stuff with my closest friends… so feel honored. You, of course can always skip this nonsense and go straight to the juicy dating stories. 

First Story Here: 

https://at-least-theres-wine.tumblr.com/post/184536689978/date1sitswhilespees

As for me, I’m currently enjoying my 28th year. I’ve only had two serious boyfriends. I can literally count the number of guys I’ve been on dates with on my fingers. And really, I haven’t been in a serious relationship with a guy in basically 5 years.

You’re like what a 28-year-old WOMAN really? Look… I know.

Why? I don’t know, but that’s the question that people wonder right? Like a, “what’s wrong with her” type of situation. I’m a nice/smart gal. I’m not ugly, in my opinion. I take care of myself. I eat green stuff, do the occasional squat, run off the carbs and tequila. You know, do what the beauty bloggers say. Could I be psycho? It’s a definite possibility. However, in my opinion I’m just a normal lady.

Here’s to the maybe “whys”:

First: I’ve been a late bloomer my entire life. My inside says 28, but my face still says 18. When I was 16, I looked 10. It’s not fun being a 16-year-old in a 10-year-old body with a bunch of fully developed hormone-demons let me TELL you. And I swear if I hear one more middle-aged woman say, “you’ll enjoy it when you’re older”, I may internally combust *intense side glare*. I never went through the “boy crazy” phase either. Honestly still waiting for it. I don’t mind being friendly/joking around with guys, I have a brother after all. What I’m saying is my flirtation skills are basically rated at 4/10.

People who aren’t familiar with me also love to tell me, “oh you’re just shy”. But fuck that as well. I’m not. I will say I’m particular to who I share myself with.

Second: I hate dating. Trust me, it’s not like I don’t find the idea of dating attractive. I do. It’s just rare that I get those romantic feelings, and I’m terrible at faking my emotions. I would rather spend my time alone than with a guy I hardly know that I have to force myself to talk to. If a gentleman comes up to talk to me at a bar, I become instantly un-charming. Maybe I’m uncomfortable with that sort of attention on me. But hey, I am a fantastic wing woman.

The boyfriends: (I know right? They did exist.) The two of them are on completely opposite spectrums of the “feels”. Meaning, one I loved and one I didn’t. Simple.

The one I loved so so deeply. Love as in, I would lay next to him in bed, stare at those broad shoulders and literally want to absorb into him. I wanted to wake up every day to make him smile, and honestly I kind of forgot about myself. I was a mess when he broke up with me after 4ish years. He didn’t love me the way I loved him and deep down I always had that feeling. It was hard for a girl to accept, but I think we all need to go through some sort of heartache to understand ourselves better.

The second, and *gasp* the last bf I dated started in my senior “party” year of college and went into my dark transition year out of college. I didn’t truly love him for who he was. I enjoyed him - waited for myself to have those strong feelings. They never came. I could see I was becoming exactly what my first bf was to me. A cold-hearted emotional user. It was a comfortable relationship, but I was being selfish and that wasn’t fair. So I ended it. From that point on I promised myself I wouldn’t enter a relationship until I felt that I could truly devote myself to that person and vise versa.

Whoa too intense? Moving on.

My career: Long story short. Ever since my father died my mother has instilled into me to never rely on ANY man to give you things. Even the ones you love. Life is unpredictable. Thankfully my mom was smart about her money and career, so my brother and I were pretty well off for surviving with a single parent. My father was an incredible human as well. I’ve focused a lot on myself and my own career to make them proud. It makes it hard to direct any of my priorities on a man because my focus on that.

SO, skip to the purpose: Finally…

People keep telling me to “give it a chance” (ahem “it” I mean men..). I’ve worked so hard on the other things I’ve wanted in my life. So why shouldn’t I take to same stance in dating right? But I’m a bit of a coward when it comes to men if I’m being honest. Who wants to be vulnerable? Omg vomit.

Just like other goals we set for ourselves there must be something to hold us accountable. I spoke with a friend, and she suggested I try for at least 1 date every 2 weeks. Easy peasy?? We’ll see. Baby steps people, baby steps. My dating apps are officially loaded. My friends know I’m on the man hunt. I am as ready as I’m going to be. Plus writing this blog will hopefully be the cause to hold myself accountable to stick to this dating regimen. If it all goes south, at least there’s wine.

OH HEY GUYS! If you stuck through it to this point, I applaud you graciously. This is the end. End of the beginning of my story. Pour yourself another glass of wine girl (or boy) you deserve it!!!

Stay tuned for my first dating entry. It’s a real doozy. Like seriously, grab the whole bottle.

Enter:

“Sits While He Pees”