authorics

[authorics]

i hate you summer i hate you heat i hate you sweating i hate you burning sun i hate you warm weather i hate you climate change

[authorics]

People with shit eyesight whenever they're around other people with shit eyesight start passing around their glasses like it's a blunt rotation just to see how blind everyone else is.

[authorics]

I’ve been on my target dose of the new antidepressants for a couple days and I’m feeling a little nauseous on and off, but at least my brain is no longer absolutely useless. I know it’ll take a couple more weeks until the meds start working but I’m cautiously optimistic that everything will improve. I do feel more motivated to study but that’s probably due to my other meds which should be starting to show their full effect round about now.

[authorics]

Having to accept you still struggle with depression, after really wanting to believe you beat it, sucks. Yes, I noticed the signs, but I didn’t clock them as symptoms of depression. It was somehow easier to believe I‘m just lazy and failing at everything than admitting to myself that my chronic depression is indeed chronic and will return once I‘m off medication. Admitting to myself that I need medication in order to live a semi-normal life is so hard. I was medicated for 8 years and have been off any medication for four months after a gruesome withdrawal from my last meds, and I thought I was fine, but here I am again, depressed, and needing medication.

[authorics]

Banks don’t belong at pride. Corporations don’t belong at pride. Cops don’t belong and pride. Fascists don’t belong at pride. The forces that have abused us, oppressed us, have murdered our brothers and sisters do not get to take part in pride.

[authorics]

bodies should have crash logs. why the fuck did that just happen.

[authorics]

waving is so cute. literally hi

[authorics]

Your body is not an apology. Your softness, your stretch marks, your curves, your angles, none of them require justification.

[authorics]

We ask your questions anonymously so you don’t have to! Submissions are open on the 1st and 15th of the month.

[authorics]

[authorics]

I had a really good day yesterday, was able to study, had minimal symptoms and was overall really happy, and it still happened, ergo it’s got nothing to do with what I do and don’t accomplish, it’s just my brain being mean to me by default, regardless of how the day went. Great.

When I lay in bed at night, my mind goes into overdrive recently, listing all the ways in which I feel inadequate, and repeating them again and again. I can’t sleep without a sedative, because my mind won’t stop telling me how much I suck at everything, especially studying. I’ve been in a chronic illness flare-up and have been experiencing brain fog so bad I can’t focus on anything, let alone math. And while I know this is not a personal failing of mine, but just a way my condition manifests, it’s really hard not to feel like an absolute failure when my mind keeps telling me that I am. It doesn’t help that since going off my meds I feel everything so much more intensely. For most things I can reframe it as a good thing, and appreciate the way my autistic brain works and that I get to feel things again, sadness, anger, joy, even fear, I can deal with all of those, but this is really the downside of it. I think the fitting emotion is shame, and it’s so much harder to deal with than all the others.

[authorics]

I’m really hoping that today being a good day symptom wise means that my flare-up is coming to an end. I can focus on math today and have had enough energy to do a little bit of housework. Also no nausea so far. I won’t overdo it, but I am carefully hopeful.

[authorics]

When I lay in bed at night, my mind goes into overdrive recently, listing all the ways in which I feel inadequate, and repeating them again and again. I can’t sleep without a sedative, because my mind won’t stop telling me how much I suck at everything, especially studying. I’ve been in a chronic illness flare-up and have been experiencing brain fog so bad I can’t focus on anything, let alone math. And while I know this is not a personal failing of mine, but just a way my condition manifests, it’s really hard not to feel like an absolute failure when my mind keeps telling me that I am. It doesn’t help that since going off my meds I feel everything so much more intensely. For most things I can reframe it as a good thing, and appreciate the way my autistic brain works and that I get to feel things again, sadness, anger, joy, even fear, I can deal with all of those, but this is really the downside of it. I think the fitting emotion is shame, and it’s so much harder to deal with than all the others.

[authorics]

I can’t ever leave tumblr because I just love the tag function.. no other social media platform allows you to heckle yourself on your own post. you get to preemptively make metatextual commentary abt your OWN POST. how cool is that

[authorics]

getting normal sick when you’re chronically ill is so insulting like, um, fuck you? my body already wants me dead and now it’s at war with microscopic bitches

[authorics]

Make it make sense: to make an appointment at a clinic specialised in dysautonomia, I need a referral from a neurologist. I can’t get an appointment with a neurologist because nobody in my area takes on new patients. Therefore I can’t get a referral and can’t go to the dysautonomia specialist. There’s a couple more leads I have but if none of them pan out I will cost my parents even more money because my only option will be paying out of pocket for private healthcare that’s not covered by my insurance. For some reason, appointments are always available for privately insured patients and people who pay for themselves, but people with public insurance have to wait months or even years to get an appointment.

[authorics]

It seems that wearing compression socks while and after eating prevents the intense nausea I usually get immediately after a meal. This is the first time in weeks that eating hasn’t made me miserable for a couple hours afterwards. It might be a fluke and I don’t know how it’s connected if it’s not, but this is the first real relief I’ve had in a while. I actually am able to spend the evening doing something instead of lying on the couch trying not to faint or vomit.

Edit: it’s almost funny how happy I am right now, really shows me how much I’ve been struggling when something as simple as not feeling nauseated makes me this happy.