autisticbot

[autisticbot]

my gfs gone back home nd shes partying with all her friends & wont let me go out alone & i’m just feeling v left out nd ik its not her fault or nothing but i’m jus kind of disappointed 2 bc we don’t do anything... she didn’t like when we went out last time & i just wanna go out. i wanna have fun. but whatever.

[autisticbot]

finished my first university essay!!! i wonder how well i’ll do.. i hope i can get my grade back before my next essay so i can see where i’m at... not likely but still!

[autisticbot]

any other autistics have trouble understanding what they’re reading when reading out loud? i can read just fine in my head but when i’m reading out loud i have no idea what i’m saying and i’m just reading words off a page. 

[autisticbot]

someone: please look at me to show me you’re listening

me, looking down: I am listening

someone: why can’t you do both??

me:

gif credit to @maraudererasmut

[autisticbot]

[autisticbot]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2019 - day 7:Talk about special interests. What does having special interests mean to you? Talk about your current special interests. Or talk about past special interests. What’s the most unusual special interest you’ve had?)

i’ve not really been that good at special interests. i can’t seem to hold information in my head and i’m not creative enough to engage with my special interests outside of the actual media. however my never changing special interests are dinosaurs and robots. these things bring me so much joy and excitement and i treasure my dinosaur books so much. I also love batman. minecraft brings me extreme calm and video games in general. I think my special interest is just collecting things lol.

my most unusual special interest was probably death- my grandma had died and i was just obsessed with it. not sad or anything, just excited and in awe. i got to go to the embalming place and dress her, and spend the last weeks with her which were interesting. my family had stories about seeing loved ones before they died. i was interested of the texture of dead people’s skin when they’re cold and hard. other people found this morbid, but i found it really interesting. now when my cat died, that was the worst day of my life. 

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2019 - day 8:  Talk about ableism. Have you ever faced any ableism for being autistic?)

not so much derogatory insults, but people brush off my autism because i’m good at masking. doctor’s don’t believe my diagnosis, i’m scared to tell anyone, and even my gf makes me feel invalid sometimes. i tend to avoid people for the most part which is why i don’t have many run ins with ableism. 

i don’t wanna do day 9 bc i’m shy,,, 

[autisticbot]

Why do people get so weird around wheelchair users? I’m literally just a person sitting down.

[autisticbot]

my special interest is over analysing my emotions

[autisticbot]

god and now she’s admitting that she doesn’t want to ask for help, she doesn’t want my help, and she doesn’t want to help herself. she doesn’t want to fix anything, or change. she just wants to spiral and let it happen and then she’ll get over it. but she wants me to deal with it when she does. i’m sure i used to be like this too but i didn’t have a SO back then and i didn’t make anyone else deal with it. it just sets off red flags for me bc i’ve always kind of felt tht she doesn’t want 2 change but now tht she’s confirmed it i’m just like. ok. what does this say abt when our relationship needs fixing? when i need her to change? to grow? to not be like this forever?/ maybe i’m asking too much from her but i don’t want to “deal” with her spiralling when she’s fully capable of preventing it. i want Her to learn to deal with it. & ik i have my own problems but im ALWAYS actively trying to find ways to fix it, see if i’m overreacting, & never expect her to deal with me. (just to be patient while i cope with myself) & the main problem is that she doesn’t listen 2 ME. i find it disheartening, & tht she doesn’t care abt or respect me. esp when she does exactly what i advised later & finds out tht it actually was helpful, but she still never listens to me in the moment. theres just so many red flags for me and i know that its only me that sees these as a problem and she’s not going to bother to change and i feel like i have to fix everything by myself because only i see us as broken & i rlly don’t know if i’’m expecting too much or if im overreacting & shld just deal with it & wait to get over it but its gonna happen again in the future nd its gonna build up and i’m gonna blow ever more than i would now

[autisticbot]

i prefer texting over talking irl not just because it gives me time to think about what i’m gonna say, but it also forces the other person, in this case my gf, to actually acknowledge what I say. more than they usually would irl in any case. 

[autisticbot]

i hate how paranoid i am whenever i talk about my feelings. I have to scroll back through the conversation to check if there’s anything that they could use against me, and if there is i’m on edge & anxious & hyper aware of what i say to them next time. It’s exhausting and i hate it.

[autisticbot]

my brain is absolutely blowing this out of proportion but i am immediately anxious going to the dinner hall and if i see the f*iends there i will shut down, refuse to talk, refuse to make eye contact, and leave asap. i can’t even sit at a different table to be more comfortable bc my gf wants to sit with them nd she’ll get annoyed if i want to sit anywhere else. hate it hate it hate it hate them all i haven’t felt like ths in forever i hate tht this happened nd i wish i cld live off cereal and still have enough energy to do all i need to but i can’t and i talk to tanzi on tuesday. 

[autisticbot]

wild how cis ppl think they have to jump through so many hurdles to “accommodate” us when we don’t fit their views. its really not that fucking hard

[autisticbot]

- I feel as though you look down on me for my degree

- i feel as though you never listen when I speak, even though you hear me. You only listen for as long as it takes for you to form your own comment, and thats only if you don’t already have something else to say

- i feel as though you don’t actually care about what i’m feeling.

- i feel as though you refuse to change the things about you that affect me negatively

- i feel as though you expect too much of me

- i feel like you use me to get to other people. i don’t want to be your poster boy.

- i feel like you want me to be more than i am

- i feel like you don’t respect me or my privacy

- i feel like you are very controlling of me

- i feel like you only support and respect me when it suits you

- i feel like i don’t ask for much but you still can’t comprehend it.

[autisticbot]

i dont actually know what my gf told her friends about me. on one hand it doesnt rlly matter but i still want to know just how much they know. i’m not going to ask though. they’re all on my blacklist regardless :/

[autisticbot]

30 Days of Autism Acceptance 2019 - day 6: Talk about stimming. What does it mean to you? In what ways do you stim?

I love to stim! stimming is a way to calm me down or just express my feelings. I stim when i’m excited and i stim when i’m anxious. it’s comfy. it makes me feel safe! I mostly tactile stim, I don’t really like visual or auditory stimming, but i do like music! The most common way i stim is spinning my spinner ring. I love it! I also have a heavy dragon necklace with a ring in its mouth that makes a kind of jingle noise. these are both from stimtastic. I rock a lot and bounce when I walk and make funny noises. I bite my nails sometimes, and if i dont have a toy with me I just find the nearest thing with sharp edges and fidget with it. I like the feel of spiky things, like a rose quarts stone. crystals are really good fidgets! i also vape which is a kind of stim for me, it keeps my hands and mouth busy and it tastes good. i also have a weighted blanket to sleep with but only on my legs. i hate pressure on my tummy. i almost always need pressure on my fingertips which is why i love to fidget ! :)

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reminder

autism is a spectrum! functioning labels ruin the spectrum and invalidate those who were forced to wear the label!