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[autisticbyaccident]

The Holy Trinity

The goddess is giver of life

She reignites the disintegrating

Perhaps to her own detriment,

The world should tremble all the same

She is not omnipotent

Nor omniscient

Certainly not omnipresent

Through her omnibenevolence she is made worthy.

With hands like feathers

And words like a spade

I am lifted from the earth

Clay, not yet fashioned like man.

Unformed, unfounded, unloved

She sees no difference

I am valued in more than name

She breathes me to life.

The messiah is another story

Still gnarled and limping,

Blood flows sluggishly from open wound

It stains the corners of her mouth in mirth.

Her touch is a rarity

Hallowed for its exclusivity

A playful shove or gentle smack

Her blood stains with divinity

She is unknown

Yet never unnamed in my memory

She is reborn in perpetuity

The sweetest victory I e’er bore witness to.

Her holey hands have molded me

Begun and given frame

Through the mystery of her love

I find I am taken shape.

Now, hark!

The Holy Ghost has taken host

From clay and ash,

From blood and bone,

I was determined to become.

Wisps turn to tresses

Smoke to scarred and sacred flesh

Vapor settles to smiles

Behold. I am made new.

[autisticbyaccident]

My home is alive

I listen to her breathe

With every sigh and wheeze

In the form of…

My neighbors breaking glass

The dogs ringing collar

The child’s knocking ball

My neighbors laughing friends

Every snoring a/c

Groaning hinge

And crying pipe

Is a symphony to humanity.

There is life here

I know, for I am living it

May it never die.

[autisticbyaccident]

Friendship

Friendship is such a

Funny word, don’t you think so?

How tiny it seems.

From Philia, the

Greek word for affection. Said

By Aristotle

To mean “to do well

By someone for his own sake”

The act is selfless.

“No one would choose to

Live without friends, even if

He wanted naught else.”

There’s pieces of them

Through my life like the seeds of

A dandelion.

E’s hair is in my

Sink. K’s jeans are in my closet.

Moments do linger.

There is space for them

Here, in this home I’ve restored

A shelter for us

Laughter keeps out

The cold, history stokes the fire.

It is so warm here.

Her humor has fixed

New glass in the window panes

They ring with each joke.

Her affection has

Built a roof. It sings to me

As the storm rages

We’re painting each room

Thusly, we’re compiling the

Joint anamnesis.

Friendship is such a

Funny word, don’t you think?

How potent it is.

[autisticbyaccident]

She is the moon

And she is is the sun

For I am the earth

And together we travel in tandem

As one, we are the eclipse

[autisticbyaccident]

Home

I’ve got a little

Vase. It’s green like the forest

Floor. And it is mine.

It didn’t cost much.

I found it alone at the

Bottom of a shelf.

I gave it my home.

It gave me a place to house

Lovely, bright, flowers.

I have a little

Painting. It waited for me

In a box. Hoping.

It knew I would come

Back, and set it free. In our

Home, it is happy.

And a robins egg

Radio sings to me at

Night, while I read here.

I rock gently in

My nana’s chair. Her ghost

Has no place in here.

I’ve my own home. My

Own here. To lay my gentle

Roots. And know my peace.

[autisticbyaccident]

In Bloom

Am I the passion

Flower? Blue and neglected

Wilted in the heat.

Or maybe I am

Sedum, surviving under

Foot. Unnourished. Yet…

Yet I rise again

Like the daffodil. Yes,

Narcissus was right…

I see he speaks truth

Love of self rises like the

Lotus. Finally….

I am holy and

I am wholly at one, I’m

The lily. In bloom.

-R.G.

[autisticbyaccident]

ah fuck i have both of those

[autisticbyaccident]

oh, i am finally old enough to know why my parents took so long to grab their coats. why they would ask us to get ready to go only to sit down for another round of coffee. what would i tell myself, at 10 years old? it’s okay. sit down with them too. take in the extra hour with your friend and her family. when you get home, write down every moment in your diary. one day you will be older and you will be waving goodbye to your best friend, and you will turn the key to start your beat up little car engine, and you will look back over your shoulder. her hair will be blowing in the wind and she will be beautiful and you will be, for a moment, struck by all of it. what you will feel is so wide and nameless that it will engulf you. and you will think of being 14 and kicking her under the table in math every time you wanted to whisper something behind the teacher’s back. you will think about how long the days felt, and how you could hold her hand whenever you wished, but you didn’t. and you will think about all of the people you could have lingered with. and you will wish, more than you have ever felt a wish, that the universe just gave you that - more time to linger. more time to say - i love you. i know i need to leave, but i don’t want to leave you. and when i go, i am leaving a piece of my heart that lingers too. 

one more round of coffee. the days are so short, and you are so lovely.

[autisticbyaccident]

i’m not sure i’m capable of being loved right now / i feel safe in my quiet way of living and telling my secrets to thread & paper / i don’t know what i’d say if you asked me to know myself / more

[autisticbyaccident]

one thing you need to know about me is that i am constantly having insane galaxy genius ancient greek philosopher level thoughts about everything ever all the time but before leaving my mouth they get filtered through seven layers of autism and come out sounding like a youtube comment made by a nine year old

[autisticbyaccident]

Isn’t it fun when someone throws you a sentence fragment and assumes you have a clue what they mean? Tonight for example my SO came over, held out a half full bottle of water, and said, “My water. ”

I froze for a couple of seconds while I pondered this. The statement could have meant;

“Is this water in this bottle or something else?” As we have no history of putting anything else in water bottles in the refrigerator this seemed like the least likely meaning.

“This is my water. Keep your hands off”. This seemed unlikely, though not as improbable as the first one. We share everything and there were a bunch of bottles in the fridge so there really wasn’t anything special about this one. No reason to get possessive.

“Is this my water or yours?“. We both knew that I hadn’t opened one and we had been together all day, and there was no one else around to open one. Because of this, there was no reason for them to ask.

“Would you like some of my water?” This seemed to be the most likely possibility so I want with it.

After a long pause to sort through the various meanings and the probabilities of each, and once I selected the most likely one to formulate an appropriate response, I replied, “No thanks, I’m good.”

People wonder why I don’t respond quickly. “It’s a simple question, just answer,” is what i hear a lot. Well, it would have been if you had asked a question. But you didn’t. You dropped two random words while holding a bottle. I had to decode what you meant. You and other neurotypical people may pick up on these subtle meanings*, but I don’t. Just say what you mean.

Neurotypical people are so weird sometimes.

*(the bottle was tilted slightly toward me to indicate it was an offer, how could I miss that? /end sarcasm)

[autisticbyaccident]

And not receiving a diagnosis- even when you have done the research over months at least to self diagnose- is also does not change you <3 you know you best

[autisticbyaccident]

I feel like I lied my way to autism

I’ve been actively mentally preparing myself for my diagnosis since summer, passively since the idea was planted 8 years ago in high school.

But actually hearing it felt… wrong. It was an intense feeling I’ll never forget. Like my whole body turned off for a second, like my soul got sucked into a little black hole in the center of my chest, then a mini supernova burst inside me. And now I’m doubting everything.

I tried to answer the long questionnaire they gave me as honestly as possible, i tried my best to act natural and perform as well as I could on their puzzles and tests. But now I’m wondering if my results were tainted.

I’ve gone through school for education and taken several classes on child psychology and special needs kids, I’ve spent months researching autism including several quizzes that perfectly mimicked the questionnaire I was given.

Maybe I went into this knowing too much, maybe because I thought I was, I became so. How do I differentiate from the process of beginning to notice my masking and peculiarities for the first time, and artificially adopting the persona of autism?

I just feel…. Fake. I saw developmental specialists until I was 4, and child psychologists a few times after. How did no one notice this? Was it concealed by my physically disabilities brought on from a traumatic birth injury? My intelligence and quick vocal and literacy development? Or maybe the doctors were so relieved I wasn’t a veritable vegetable from the oxygen deprivation at birth that the rest was put down to a tumultuous home life.

I asked my doctor several times about the possibility of undiagnosed brain damage from birth. She insisted my results were textbook autism for a woman, she said my IQ was superior and helped me mask for basically my entire life. I know, logically, I didn’t and couldn’t have lied my way through this. But I can’t help fearing my results were only textbook because I had metaphorically read the answer key in the back.

[autisticbyaccident]

Steve lost his virginity to a USO girl:

The USO girl:

[autisticbyaccident]

[autisticbyaccident]

“I want what she’s on.” The spectrum??

[autisticbyaccident]

Yo, why am I 23, almost 24, years old and my mother, who I dont live with, still needs to remind me not to point at people?

Like I was just pointing at a puppy riding in a car and shes like "dont point"

Why is pointing rude?!??!!??!?!??!

It's literally just showing you I can POINT OUT something, WHAT THE FUCK