autumnklare

[autumnklare]

23...so far.

When our government decided to implement the K12 curriculum, I, unfortunately became the first batch. From only having until Grade 10 or fourth year high school, we extended into two more years.

It was believed that 'Senior High-School,' would help us, students more into determining what we want in life, whether we want to pursue the sciences, be an accountant, a doctor, or the humanities, be a journalist, take up law, or abm with business or marketing, well, i guess at some point in my life it did help, but now i'm in the real world, all i can think about are the wasted time, and what could've been.

Before senior high-school, I was determined to be at law school. Be a law student, but, after I graduated from it, I was clueless. I guess, I can say that I was culture shock from all the people I've met, I doubted my capabilities, my skill set and my talents. To make the story short, I kind of settled for less in college.

I pursued I course I never even understood. I have a dream of writing stories, publishing a book (maybe), but that was just a maybe, cause' when I was young, I used to write stories on my own, and wondered what it is like living a different life. Unfortunately, I feel incomplete. I feel like my course did not do me well, mainly because, the university offered it as a 'new course,' so, they aren't 100% ready...? I don't know who to blame at this point. But---

Now, I'm a graduate. Clueless. Confused.

One time, I had an interview with a good company whose focus is finances-- it's a bank. It was too far from my course, i ought. I am not familiar with the jargons, the system, or how everything works, but, nonetheless, my heart was still determined to pass-- not because it was my dream, but because the pay is good.

At 23, I am faced with the reality of the question of should I stop pursuing my dream, and instead, go where the pay is good? or should I still keep trying...? However, looking at our economy right now, it looks so impossible to pursue the arts.

During my interview with the hiring manager, he cannot help but to share that he was also an arts major, he also thought at first that he could've pursue the dream, and live. But, that is not the reality. He entered the company because he learned to love the other side of the world, adjust to the change, and live differently.

I cannot help but to feel bad, and think of-- is this the end of another dream? Well, at 23, it seems like it.

[autumnklare]

the dear john tragedy

When Taylor Swift first released 'Dear John,' in her album Speak Now, we automatically love it. It had a beautiful story-telling of her naiveness and how it changed her.

Dear John revolved around on her young age, loving a guy who's far more older than her, and how she felt after everything had collapsed. Well, in our eyes, it is very obvious that she was groomed, she was manipulated into thinking that it was "just love," and the typical shit like "age doesn't matter," welp, plot twist it does.

In Taylor's new album, Midnights, we were once again transported to her naiveness and its aftermath. Taylor released an additional 7 songs to her album Midnights, which featured the song entitled 'Would've, Should've, and Could've,' and it was heartbreaking.

Grooming is a term where it is an act of pedophilia. Taylor discussed the aftermath of what she felt after realizing her mistakes, and how she allowed herself to be manipulated. It was heartbreaking to even think of, how she was also bashed and hated for being young, and naive.

The song was about Taylor's confession of regret, grieving the woman that was in the hands of a groomer.

"Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first."

Now, after hearing it, I honestly just want to hug the 19 year old Taylor. She's been through it all, and now I just admire the strong woman that she became.

[autumnklare]

midnights by taylor swift [initial thoughts]

She did it again. Taylor Swift really is the definition of our music industry right now. And no, I am not writing this "bias," review because (oops! confession) I am a swiftie, but, because she deserves all the recognition.

Midnights, like all my fellow fans commented is like the child of her previous pop albums 1989 and Reputation. And we love it!

I must admit though, after her pandemic album, folklore and evermore, which also admittedly shocked us as well, our expectations to her future releases really grew stronger, as we believe that she will continue serving us with her bewitching song writing skills. Not to mention her re-recording of her previous albums.

Midnights has it all. The pop genre that we loved from 1989, with the lyrical masterpiece of Folklore birthed this masterpiece. And you know what excites us most? Plot twist: It's a visual album! Visual album means that all the songs that were listed in the album will have a music video, and who doesn't love that? We all know that Taylor loves evolving, from writing, starring, producing, and even directing everything.

Long story short, Midnights by Taylor Swift deserves it all. She deserves to be at the top of the music charts, the recognition, the awards, and the love from all her fans all over the world. At this point, if you're still not a swiftie, HOW DARE YOU!

Anyway, continue streaming Midnights!

[autumnklare]

why adulting sucks :D

I believe that the hardest part of being an adult is realizing that at the end of the day, we're all lonely souls trying to cope with our life. It is the feeling of accepting that there are days when we have no one to talk to, sometimes, we just stare at the wall, re-live the happiest days of our lives and hope that someday we'll be able to feel the feeling again.

Adulting is realizing that the relationships we've build along the way, the people the we met, those who changed our lives; all of them have a different set of dreams apart from you, and ultimately, you have no right to hinder any of them. Adulting is realizing that sometimes you have to let go, so they can shine on their own, even if you know that it will be as painful as dying... that there will be days that the loneliness will just swallow the entirety of your being, but it is what it is. Life is about building your own path alone.

But...

This may not be true for all of us.

However, I still wish that may we find the real meaning of happiness at the end of the day.

[autumnklare]

as far as i'm concerned, you're just another picture to burn

[autumnklare]

project: find serotonin.

This is something I don't talk about often.

How does my anxiety and depression look like?

Usually, it is when I'm staring at my ceiling for hours waiting to fall asleep but I just can't, so instead, I end up scrolling through my phone until I realized the whole day had passed and I was unproductive. But, sometimes it is also the fact that I tend to do nothing but sleep, and sleep as if I have lived a hundred years and so tired about the things I've seen and feel. So I rest and act as If I don't give a shit about life anymore.

In other times, it is when I force myself to do something productive, then, when I look at myself in the mirror I feel the certain urged and annoyance that something is off with me-- either my face, my skin, my hair, my body-- so I'd end up washing that body part for almost three to six times just to satisfy myself, but, that's not always the case. Sometimes the laziness kicks in and I don't care whether I look like a total asshole, or a homeless person with how messy my hair is, or how oily my face is, or how sticky my skin feels.

And we don't often talk about that sudden kick of serotonin after a whole week of just sinking down, that sudden urge to do things like cleaning, eating, washing, and feel happy as fuck. As if we're trying to live as normal as possible, not until we're back to Day 1.

To be honest, when the reality hits us that sometimes it just had to sucks. Life sometimes sucks.

But it's okay. Well, I guess it's part of growing..

As long as I still have the energy to drive and force myself to be okay, I think I'll be okay. And if you're reading this, I hope you're doing okay too.

We'll get through this.

[autumnklare]

selfish

I wonder what it feels like to love yourself completely. Because I think I have already romanticized this idea of me being submerged in my depression, in my sadness--that sometimes I just pretend that I'm okay.

For example, I will paint to 'express' my feelings, I will 'write' to release my emotions--but most of the time, I have no idea if any of these hobbies help me.

Sometimes, I cannot help but to imagine waking up, and completely falling in love with yourself, that one is able to take care of her body, her face, someone who knows their worth, values themselves more than anything else.

I wonder what it feels like to be selfish.

I want to be selfish.

I want to stop thinking about what other people feel or say about me. I want to gain peace within myself, I want to love myself more than I've ever loved someone else, I want to own myself, I want to look in the mirror and say that I'm in love with myself, no matter how disgusting I look or how gross I feel

I am so tired of being insecure, and hating myself every day. But right now all I feel is that I'm too tired to work on myself. And it sucks. It sucks so bad.

[autumnklare]

rory gilmore study inspo

[autumnklare]

do you think he's guilty?

good morning.

when i woke up earlier, i stumble upon another one of those nightmares where i ended up getting cheated on again with the same person i've loved for almost four years now.

in my dream, i was calling his number for several times and none of those calls was picked up, it was late and i was getting worried about his whereabouts-- similar to what happened to us before we broke up, there was a time where we decided to cool our heads, and take a break from each other (but he gave me a word that we're still together, just taking time off each other), during that time, he'd still text me and ask me about my day but not as often as before.. but there was that time where he was offline for the whole day, and that is very unusual for someone who's always with their phones, at first i thought he was just casually sleeping the whole day or he's running out some errands, i convinced myself to not put malice on anything, but later on, i caught it. he met someone on the internet and they decided to be fuck buddies. it broke my heart so much, i had to go to therapy because it was too much to take.

he cheated on me three times, or maybe those were just the girls i caught, i may never know if it was only three or more-- but i was able to chat those girls, and all of them told me the same that they had no idea he has me. and i never blamed any of those girls, it wasn't their fault, of course every girl wants to feel loved and celebrated and he might gave the words they need, and manipulated them into thinking that he was honest, but in the end, all they ever did was to feel sorry for me.

do cheaters feel guilty? do you think he regrets doing it? we were together for 3 years, and we've been through a lot, but I guess I was the only one who loved him. people may say that it's been too long, why am i still thinking about this? but i guess they don't realize the amount of pain that you have to process, the amount of memories that still lingers my mind, a bunch of times that i still question my worth-- if it was my face, my body, was it something i've done-- and out of all the people, why does it have to be me?

in the end, we're all a working progress and may we heal from all the traumas..

[autumnklare]

why this generation's view on love sucks

The peak of innovation when it comes to having gadgets and access to the internet, particularly to social media is truly the highlight of this generation. Being able to connect with a snap of a finger, may it be calls, texts or chats etc. All of a sudden, anything became possible with the 'power' of a gadget.

Now, I also benefit from this (obviously as I am typing this right now) but maybe, the point of this rant for tonight is based on my observations and experiences. (Yup, just me. You guys don't need to blame anyone else on this-- but this warning is just for those few people who know me that might read this shit, pls don't)

When my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I was exposed to the idea from my friends to enter the thing they call as 'hoe phase,' and I am pretty sure you are familiar with the idea, well, if not, it's the phase where you date, fuck, flirt or do whatever you want without involving your truest feelings, in short, it's all just part of a game. And to be honest, during the first few weeks of my shitty break-up, I was tempted to try the idea, I felt like I needed that to grow, that was I thought. I honestly pictured it as a part of life, like every teenagers go through with that shit and I just have to do that because that's the circle of life.

However, maybe, that phase wasn't meant to walk with me because I did what I can to avoid it with all my strength (it wasn't that hard for me pfft.) After my ex-boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me with 3 different girls, it really destroyed me. My mind was full of shit for a whole year, I was crying every night, I was praying and begging for the pain to stop, I was in despair and was in a constant monologue with myself saying words such as "I was a good girl, I thought good girls don't deserve hell," but I was in hell. And it was dark, I felt like I was suffocated and trapped, and that there was no way for me to get out of that sadness and pain.

But I think what's completely struck me the most is that people now in our generation, their main focus is SEX rather than building a connection. Yes, in all terms I completely understand the pleasure of having sex, the pleasure of having fun-- but I think what's just sad in that part is that we're forgetting the fact that it's still the connection, that throbbing feeling of being understood is what the real pleasure is.

Here's the thing or I guess what I believe in-- people don't realize the amount of pain that they are inflicting on a person, unless it's happening to them as well. They don't realize hurting the people they 'love,' until after they leave. In my case, I honestly have no idea if my ex-boyfriend mourns the idea the he cheated on me, I don't even know if he is guilty, if he is, I guess thanks?

In the end, I guess all I wanted to say is that there are people who's genuine love are being tainted with these liberated ideas of shallow pleasure. But of course, I am not in the position to judge those people who prefers that lifestyle, life is a matter of choice anyway and if it's your choice, go enjoy it bitch! It's your life!

(Just please don't hurt other people with your choices pfft like what my fucking ex did to me xD)

Anyway, that experienced pushed me to write this rant tonight (wrote this last jan 23, 11pm??) so good night/good morning!

[autumnklare]

A scribbling review on a good girl's guide to murder

POSSIBLE SPOILERS ALERT

hey wassup, good morning or good evening to anyone who's reading this shit right now. apparently i just finished reading 'a good girl's guide to murder,' by holly jackson and to tell you honestly, that shit was a good read, i cannot put my book down because i, too felt like i was investigating with her.

it was a fun YA book for beginners, you'd be happy to dive in with the mystery and the fun part of investigating with our main character, Pip. Although, here's the not-fun part for me (not that anyone cares)-

- first thing i noticed was if i am not mistaken she was just a high school student, wanting to finish her homework who got carried away with what she figured out and took its turn to be a detective. she's too brave barging into people's lives after 5 years and interrogate them more than the police pfft!

-second, why are the people she's interrogating gave what she needed that fast??? are those characters stupid enough to be scared of a high school teenage gurl? like sheesh, why are they confessing that fast?

and i still have so many questions regarding the facial and body languages of the sub characters, i felt like there was more to their story, but it was cut right to the end or was i just overthinking it?! or do i have to read the other two books because holy shit i just found out that this book is part of a series (i have no idea!)

anyway, i guess that's it? i just had to put it out there because i have no one to release my after book feels T^T overall, 3/5!

[autumnklare]

realizations while reading 'the seven husbands of evelyn hugo,'

The years 2020 and 2021 were two of the most extremely painful year my young adolescent have received. I grew up with my loving family where I was a witness of how my parents love each other up to this day, I see how my father still adores and love my mother even though the time has already changed the way they physically look, the way they think, and how they handled each other's problems such as financial and other things related to marriage.

The book The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo is a firm representation of how a woman stands on her ground to prove that she can in this world that mostly bias men. I think that I grew up lucky because I have never felt that in my life, during my early years in school, I never felt that I was in a competition with men or I was different just because I was a girl-- but that completely changed when I entered college and when I met my third boyfriend (now ex!)

My ex-boyfriend, which I'll be calling 'Jake,' was my ultimate dream guy way back 2018. I met him on Tinder during the summer before I entered college, and thought that "this guy is different," I even thought, he is out of my reach. He is smart, I feel like he can talk about everything, through politics to culture, and everything else that I can think of. He was my ideal guy. Aside from that, I found out that he is a Christian, which is something special to me because I like the idea of someone who has the same faith as me. We were inseparable, during those time, I felt like I belonged to him and he belongs to me.

But that changed when he started shaming me when we're alone, he used to spit out words such as "Ang bobo mo naman," "Tanga ka ba?!" etc. During that time, it did not felt like I was hurt, but for me, its feedback felt like I was disappointing him, I felt like I was not doing enough to please him. So, I did everything he asked. I tried to paint myself through his words because I felt like that's the only way I'll make him stay.

He became too comfortable with the idea that I can't leave him because I am too afraid and in love with him, so he cheated.

Reading this book, Evelyn taught me a lot of things. I am too heartbroken with the way Evelyn's words represented my fears, my pain, and how I deal with the world just because I am a female.

"Oh, I know the whole world prefers a woman who doesn't know her power, but I'm sick of all that."

Aren't we all? What my ex-boyfriend did took me a lot of years, a lot of strength, to finally encourage myself that I am sick of being treated like a piece of shit. Because believe it or not, I forgave my ex-boyfriend after cheating on me for three times (or more!) and even thought that I'll never find a love like that, but guess what.

My feelings have changed. And I hope that I will no longer tolerate men who fucking treats women like trash.

[autumnklare]

thoughts about verity

Hey. Welcome to another session of talking to myself via this application. Do people still use this app? Well, I hope they do because this is the only app that I use where I am free to talk about stuff my friends don't usually care about.

For a second there, I thought I have lost this one because It has been awhile since I opened this app, and the main reason why I remembered that I have one was after I went back to reading.

First of all, I would like to thank the booktok community for always rummaging my tiktok feed and encouraging me to buy books I know I will never read--unless there's a storm and electricity's out and I have nothing else to do but read. But, that is of course a joke because as you all know (you don't), I am a literature major and it is part of my daily life to read (but not my preferred novels anyway!)

NOW, Verity is a book by my favorite author, Ms. Colleen Hoover whom I personally love and adore ever since I started reading her works, she literally was the one who save me from my years of reading slump jeez. The first book that I read from her was All Your Perfects which became my ultimate favorite, no one touch me I'm still crying whenever someone mentions me that book.

However, Verity pulled me from the dead and called me to read her so I did. If you haven't read the book and you're still here reading my random rants please get out because the next parts may contain spoilers!

SPOILERS AHEAD

The book began with Laura (i am not sure anymore?? I am so bad at remembering names) her mother just died from cancer, and she's off to continue her life after nursing her for how many months. Everything feels surreal after her first steps back from the outside world, but, she was offered a job, a proposal, in which she decided to attend to. Upon her way, she met this dashing man who swept her by her feet. (Well, he's handsome and he gave you his shirt) only to find out that the man will be his boss.

She was assigned/ chosen to continue the book of his wife, Verity which is a best-selling author because apparently she mastered the art of story-telling through the lens of the antagonists. Verity was in a car accident in which resulted to becoming her being brain dead, she could no longer finish her book so they had to hire a 'ghost-writer' or co-writer to finish the book. Well, our main character here was convinced upon a few kicks and push as the offer was huge and can help her continue her life.

So, Laura proceeded. She was invited to Verity's house so that she could do her research, read Verity's previous series, and look for footnotes, journals, everything that can help her continue the stories, but upon investigating, a very special manuscript landed her eyes--it was Verity's autobiography.

At first, Low felt that it was too personal to read, but she later on convinced herself that it might help her write, to read what's on Verity's mind, so she did. The manuscript contained everything that she need to completely freak out and question her position in that house. "WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH AND WHY DOES SHE THINK LIKE THIS?" that kind of level.

Bitch when I was reading the book, YOU HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT THE NUMBER OF TIMES I YELLED AT HER TO FUCKING QUIT, because If I was her, the moment that Verity stared at me from a far, from her room through the window, I would have packed my bags immediately and run. I swear.

The manuscript contained how Verity met her husband Jeremy, how their relationship revolved around sex, and how they can't get their hands off each other. She was obsessed. Until she got pregnant and how she did everything to kill those kids because she never wanted them in the first place, she was obsessed to the fact that she was too afraid that her husband's attention will focused on their children (which is the obvious thing to do, duh). But like I've said, the bitch was crazy. She never loved anyone else except her husband.

I think the scene that traumatized me the most was when she tried to kill Harper, one of the twins, how she fucking shoved her fingers inside that baby's mouth--that I'm still fucking picturing up to this day because it literally broke my heart, poor Harper and Chastin.

But, I think I have lost my mind when she finally confessed in her manuscript that she purposely planned to kill Harper at the lake. The way she fucking whispered to Crew to hold his breath as she knew the canoe will turn backward. She left Harper there to die.

You guys have no idea how my mind cried when both of her twins died and all she could fucking think was why her husband's not fucking her anymore, like bitch. You need therapy.

Well, eventually, Jeremy finally found out about the truth and killed her for killing Harper. (I'm not going to lie but I was opposed to that idea, but okay..) anyway, moving on because I am already tired from typing this and I'm doing my best to shortcut the story since it is only I that will be reading this anyway and I'm just looking for excuses to rant my thoughts.

A few months after Verity died, Low found out that she was pregnant with Jeremy, but they had to go back to Verity's house first as Jeremy finally decided to sell the property, and now they are just there to gather up a few more of his remaining things to finally start their new life.

Crew have said something to Low that made her look. Low fiugured that there is a hidden cabinet on the floor where Verity used to hide her knife, and it was a letter-- addressed to Jeremy. In that letter she said that the manuscript is not true, and it was just a exercise that was given to her by her publisher so that she could continue writing her stories on the same perspectives. When Low read that, guilt swallowed her completely as she knew that they killed her. But still, she decided to throw that shit up because she knew it will destroy her growing family.

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT HERE IS MY FINAL RANT.

At first, I don't know which side I should take because that motherfucking manuscript was detailed and shocking. The details the she put in was extraordinary, Verity is really good at painting characters in a bad light, which is perfect for her as like I've said, she writes book in the perspective.

I am mindblown with the idea of how obsessed she is to her husband, how she fucking hated being pregnant, how she tried killing her babies when they were still inside her, and how she tried to kill Harper after having a nightmare.

I am so heartbroken for her twins, when she decided to favor only Chastin and ignored Harper all her life, I am devastated of how she only cares about sex, and to please Jeremy when in fact that wasn't even Jeremy wanted-- her husband wanted to build a connection, a life, a communication, a language in which both of them can only understand, but instead, she was just focused on the idea of giving pleasure-- that's all she knows.

Now, that letter. I know for a fact that she only wrote that letter because first of all, she was not brain dead, she did that because she thought her husband can take care of her after finally losing the twins, she did that because she watched how her husband fell in love with a new woman inside her house, how he fucked her knowing she was upstairs-- she did the letter because it was her only way out.

She knew that Low will be the one to find the letter, because she knew how anxious Low was in the first place, how Low discovered Crew holding that knife in her bed, how she fucking searched that knife but it suddenly disappeared. She knew that Low knows that she's alive and okay.

That was her way of revenge, tormenting, manipulating and guilt-tripping Low even if she's already dead. Because how will that fucking letter defend the fact that Crew was so scared to talk bout Verity in front of Low that he fucking bit the knife which caused for his mouth to bleed, because Crew was too afraid that he'll get punished. And don't get me started to the bruise on Chastin's cheek.

In the end, I am no longer neutral, I am proud that I am team manuscript, good night.

[autumnklare]

I just wanted her to have the perfect night. 

[autumnklare]

kasama kita

sa lahat ng daraanan kong daan, mga tatawaring tulay o aakyatin na bundok, wag kang mag-alala dahil kasama kita. 

hindi man matibay ang loob sa lahat nang naka abang na pagsubok, may mga dagat man na hindi kayang languyin o mga ulap na hindi kayang liparin, walang problema sa akin basta kasama kita. 

[autumnklare]

i never felt more lost than ever

trying to fit in the society`s  prescribed horizon

breathing the same toxic air pretending i`m sober

[autumnklare]

alas kwatro ng umaga nang magsimulang mag-ingay ang mga manok sa kalsada, pakiramdam ko`y nasa probinsya ako kahit amoy na amoy ko na ang usok ng makina ng dyip ni manong ruben sa labasan. maaga pa ngunit abala na ang lahat na magsibangon sa kama upang hindi abutan ng trapik sa edsa. pumikit ako muli ng mariin bago ko mapagpasyahan na kusutin ang mata ko at tuluyang sumali sa pila ng taong gustong makaligo sa banyo. ganito ang buhay dito sa boarding house ni aling nena, gising na gising na ang mga matang kulang sa pahinga, mga paang pinipigilan ang sariling gumapang pabalik sa kama, mga kamay na paulit ulit ang pagkusot sa mata para tuluyang bumuka at magsimula nanaman ang daloy na tuluyan nang kinagisnan naming mangagawa. 

araw araw makikipag sabayan sa agos ng buhay para kumita ng perang sapat lamang para sa mga kailangang bilhin: pampadala kina mama, pagkain, bayad sa upa, pamasahe.. minsan nga`y wala nang sapat para sa mga luhong nakatambak nalang siguro ang listahan sa notes ng selpon. 

malamig ang tubig na isinalok ko sa tabo at ibunuhos ko sa aking katawan, hindi ko mapigilang mapasigaw at tumalon ng paulit-ulit para maibsan ang lamig na dumaloy sa katawan. eto na ang hudyat, gising na gising na ang mapupungay ko pang mata, handa na akong makipag siksikan sa mrt para makarating sa opisina.. tatlong beses kong sinabon ang katawan ko at dalawang beses sa ulo; isang shampoo at conditioner, marahil hindi pa ako nakakarating sa opisina ay mangangamoy uwian na ako dahil sa pawis na aabutin ko mamaya. 

nang matapos akong maligo, bahagya kong sinilip ang aking selpon. isang mensahe mula sa smart na expired na daw ang load ko, putcha. sumabay ka pa talaga ngayon kung kailan sapat na lamang ang pera ko pamasahe, aasa na nga lang ako sa pa birthday ng boss ko ngayong araw kaya`t may pang kain ako sa hapunan.

napa buntong hininga ako. sinilip ko ang laman ng pitaka ko, 200 pesos. kaya pa siguro to` para sa bente pesos na load-- kung wala lang akong iniintay na tawag ay hindi ko naman kailangan magpa load ngunit ngayon kasing naka takda manganak ang nakatatanda kong kapatid kaya`t kailangan kong subaybayan ang kalagayan nila sa amin, nangako sila na tatawagan nila ako kapag manganganak na si ate. 

kinuha ko ang plantsadong polo ko at isinuot ito sa katawan ko, napaka hirap ng buhay. hindi ko alam kung makakaahon ba ako sa kahirapan, nagmimistulang kahit anong hirap ang gawin ko para magsumikap ay walang nangyayari, paikot-ikot lamang ang hinahakbangan kong kalsada, ang rutang nakasanayan ko na.. pakiramday ko`y hanggang dito na lamang ako. 

“oy tara na!” 

muli akong bumuntong hininga at kinuha ang bag kong nakasabit sa may pintuan, sumulyap ako ng huling beses sa salamin at ngumiti.