autumnorissa

[autumnorissa]

ur almost feels full circle coming back here after the ban. I’ve built this page (and more..) since i was 13, now im 23.

I’m definitely going to be posting more on here, pinterest, and still instagram. Idk!! see where this takes us :)

for those who are still here and were frozen in the fragments of time all my socials are @autumnorissa follow for life updates, fashion inspiration, etc. I’m just a club girl building a platform

[autumnorissa]

@lola

[autumnorissa]

[autumnorissa]

[autumnorissa]

lol

growing up as a lesbian woc

the gold star lesbian discourse around comphet is really …. something

i just wanted to give my two cents as 2nd gen immigrant and woc. In my culture, and many of our families (mine being West Asian) being queer is genuinely not an option, whether that be because of years colonialism stripping us of queer history, religion’s impact, or both. It still stands that being queer is unacceptable or unheard of. I was always curious about queer history in the Western Asia, and would ask if we had any queer folks/suspected queer folks in my family, I was told “that doesn’t exist in our race/ethnic group”.

We not only aren’t allowed to exist, we aren’t expected to.

I grew up not even knowing I could be lesbian. I tried my hardest to like men, I never noticed any feelings I had for women. If I liked a girl, it was because I wanted to be friends with pretty people “that’s normal” i thought, everyone wants pretty friends. At one point I was 12 and I remember being jealous of this girls dog because I thought “he gets to spend time with her” …. and I still didn’t put it together. I went years picking crushes, telling people I liked certain guys, to the point where I started believing it and getting anxious around them. I would mistake my literal anxiety for feelings.

When I was 14 I decided, okay I have to be asexual, because I just don’t feel attracted to men, and being with them sexually disgusts me. However, I thought, “I like YA novels with these straight couples, so that must mean I can romantically like men, if not sexually”. Again being attracted to women never came to my mind, it just wasn’t a part of my reality. But interestingly, I remember I would wish I liked women, I thought “life would be easier if I liked girls”, because I genuinely was terrified of the notion of even having to eventually spend my life with a man (as was expected of me).

Still I would force myself to flirt with guys, I remember my first kiss (after having run away from and dodged every single other guy that had tried). The kiss felt like nothing, so boring, I thought “why do people like doing this”. Starting from that point on, my high school experience was me getting drunk going to parties and trying to see if I could feel attraction to men. Drink after drink, nothing made a difference— I could not bring myself to kiss another guy again. So I led people on, faked crushes based on conventional attractiveness, felt nervous around said “crushes”.

I was inexplicably lonely in my experience.

I remember once at an all girls party when I was 17 and sober, I really had the urge to kiss this girl, I just wanted to be near her. When I heard her compliment me, it made me feel something for the first time in my life. And do you know what came to my mind? “I must be really lonely, I need a boyfriend”.

I didn’t realize I was a lesbian until I moved out at the age of 20, fell in love with a woman I didn’t realize I had feeling for until my heart was absolutely broken.

Anyways, I find it extremely unfair to say that lesbians that experienced comphet through perceived crushes on men, are “fake” lesbians. Our expierences are not the same because our lives are not, our cultures are not. The Lesbian masterdoc genuinely helped me put the pieces together, so even shitting on it irks me (* clarification, you can have issues w it but to discard how much it has helped people is ?). Not every single lesbian’s experience is going to be the same.

(disclaimer: when i mention option, it in no way means being queer or lesbian is a choice, i mean it in the context of being queer not existing within our reality ie being told and taught that being queer is a western concept. many of us are raised believing the only thing that exists is heterosexuality which plays into us not being able to understand our feelings towards women ie thinking or even contemplating that we are gay, is not an option).

[autumnorissa]

cleaning your room and reading books and buying yourself a little snack or a beverage is the equivalent of getting your life in order

[autumnorissa]

me drinking iced coffee: this is going to fix everything

[autumnorissa]

Lucas Calloch

[autumnorissa]

aminamuaddi on ig

[autumnorissa]

THINGS THAT DO NOT EXEMPT YOU FROM BEING ANTI BLACK:

Your proximity to blackness. Whether through a friend, colleague, partner, neighbor, or the one black kid that goes to your PWI.

Using AAVE. In fact, this might make you more anti black. I can't even count the amount of times non black people have actively disrespected black people while using AAVE.

Idolising a prominent black figure. You listening to Beyonce and voting for Obama (both times) doesn't make you any less anti black than if you slapped on a MAGA cap and called BLM protestors "terrorists".

Being queer. You being oppressed does not magically erase your ability to oppress others.

Being a woman. Same logic as before; your oppression does not stop you from being an oppressor.

Being a non black racial minority. Exact same logic, with the added bonus of anti blackness being extremely prominent in NBPOC communities.

BEING BLACK. There's literally a whole word for anti-black black people.

Being "woke". You can make all the signs and attend all the protests. But if you haven't done the learning and unlearning, then all your activism is just an elaborate play that nobody's paying to go see.

Learning and unlearning. It is important to know that learning pro blackness and unlearning all the anti black tendencies we were force-fed as adolescents does not mean we are incapable of fucking up.

The only thing that exempts you from being anti black, is not being anti black. There is no position or title you can hold that's gonna shield you from it. But you can either be a dick and continue to perpetuate it and make everyone around you miserable, or you can do the work to unlearn it so we can all live in a slightly nicer hellscape. Thank you got coming to my TEDtalk.

[autumnorissa]

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[autumnorissa]

Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town 1970 | dir. Arthur Rankin Jr., Jules Bass

[autumnorissa]

I wanna be ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* manhandled *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

[autumnorissa]

“Are you going to be a good girl or are you going to be a brat”

First of all, I’m gonna be both.