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ready to drift

(ive been off my birth control for about a month so my brain is out of wack)

i just wanna walk out of my house and drift around. walk into the nearest woods and just lay there. touch the leaves. step in puddles. lean on a tree.

i’ll let the insects bite me. im usually so scared of that but at this point what does it matter. i wont eat. i wont sleep unless my eyes refuse to stay open.

then i’ll decompose. thats all i want. i just want to decompose back into the earth’s pulse

[auz-ghost-bones]

tumblr is for the girls who text all the time and get no replies

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maybe i deserve happiness and love

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Coming out Later In Life, Crushes

at the end of 2022, i fully accepted myself as a lesbian and lived openly as one. soon i'll be 25. in my experience coming out later has kind of stifled my romantic development. as a teenager i only had a crush on two girls, one that moved and one that was straight...yeah. but they were fleeting and i simply suppressed it. i didnt experience being interested in a woman i could fully and openly pursue until i was 23

in 2023 i had a "crush" on a lesbian friend i could actually pursue for the first time. i've dated plenty of men (unfortunately) and never did i feel so much trepidation in confessing my feelings for someone. while dating men, i was never truly myself. i was completely disassociated from myself. what i wanted never mattered to them anyways

i was horrified she would not have similar feelings towards me. i actually FELT something bc i wasn't disassociating anymore. but damn it hurt. it was like a new kind of pain i had never experienced. i was 23 years old losing my mind over a "crush" lol. its a little funny to me now bc i look back and see i so distraught and melodramatic. much like a teenager would be. i thought the pain would never end until i or she made a move. i became so engrossed with self hatred for even thinking she would like me. being disgusted in myself. but also racking my brain around what i could possibly do to ease the pain.

but then she would call me angel. every morning and every night. suggest a date idea. spoke throughout the day. shared our vulnerabilities with comfort.

i then began to think, maybe there is a chance. maybe i should stop being so hard on myself. maybe i should just enjoy the friendship and let things progress as they may. maybe i should end this self loathing cycle and just be

then she announced on her social media she had a boyfriend

devastation. betrayal. embarrassment. so many hurt feelings and this is my first lesbian crush. holy shit this hurts. ive realized ive dodged a crazy bullet so ive moved on. but damn i wish i experienced this as a teenager to prepare my gay adult self for this lol

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There Are Always Lyrics In My Mind ~ Mostly Ethel Cain Lyrics Lol

Im just so tired. Im tired of the hauntings. Feeling his touch. I never even saw it from my own perspective until now. I was looking at myself from a different perspective. My therapist would say it was my brain's way of saving me

I see myself from behind but its still from my perspective in a way. I can feel it now. Its all coming back to me. Ethel would say I forgive it all as it comes back to me. Ethel and god may forgive but I dont

please forgive me Ethel, because i dont. i dont forgive any of them

I push and push and push down my pain. Fiona would say the tears calcify in my tummy. But the rock has gotten far to heavy to keep inside. Today I wailed like I never have. I wanted to keep it in, walk into work like nothing happened. But by body expelled the hurt before i had a chance to ignore it.

then wondered what if i drove my headlights off a bridge

if i discard myself like him. like my first boyfriend as he told me "i wanted to take my anger out on you". like the next one that wanted me to sell my body for his profit. the ones that wanted to steal my youth. the ones that blamed me. its disgusting but i dont want to stoop to their level

i cant prove them right. if i discard myself it will only be a self fulfilling prophecy. but they would be haunted by me. as Lingua Ignota may say i would become the disease of men. those men

yet how do i become the disease as i am still alive. how do i haunt them as i am still alive. i want to bend the tall grass. i want to bend and break them

i cant tell a child she will grow up to be defiled. born into a situation that will only breed misusage. and die. fate has already fucked her sideways. never. i will never do that to her

god they make me sick. i hope i make them sick like ethel. i hope i haunt them like cassyette. i hope i will one day bend the tall grass like Kristin

i am aching. i fall then rise. i am broken then repaired. i am decrepit. yet i still leap into a vengeful gallop

ethel's father told her if they strike once then hit them twice as hard. she realizes, if i bend under the weight that they gave me then this heart would break and fall as twice as far

i can not act like my abuser. i cannot bend at the knee to form a punch, my heart will fall in the process and shatter. i cant haunt them. i cant hurt them. it will only hurt me. that's what it is like to have a conscious, unlike those fuckers.

my only choice is to keep standing much like ethel. its agonizing but i must. hayden said ethel was strong and i didnt see it at first. i didnt see her as weak, i just didnt see her strength. but as i feel the twinge in my back. the urge to bend and lunge. the urge to fall, throw myself down and take them with me. i learn just how much power it takes to continue to stand

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New list on letterboxd for a sub-genre I'm obsessed with and have never been able to quite put into words until now. This is a very specific sub-genre of movie I remember as a kid that seemed to only exist from about 1996 to 2004, but really seemed to prosper between '98 and '02. I also call them "silent hill" dramas. For the film to fit under this umbrella, it must contain at least a handful of these criteria:

- Moody, rainy/windy atmosphere - Blue/greenish hue - Unhappy couple in their 30s-40s - Someone in the marriage is having an affair or under a lot of pressure at work - Someone in the marriage is sick/recently died - The couple has recently divorced but are still in somewhat close contact - The couple must live or work in Manhattan - If not Manhattan, they must spend part of the movie in New England - Takes place in any season except summer - There is a remote, secluded estate/vacation home - The wife is waif-y yet determined - The husband is kinda gay in a Ralph Lauren sweater way

This sub-genre is primarily associated with psychological erotic thrillers and horror but can be found in other genres as well. There may be films made referentially in this style outside the stated time period (eg: Faces in the Crowd, Chloe). The locale of and proximity to Manhattan is exceptionally crucial to this genre, but there are select outliers (eg: The Fourth Kind, The Piano Teacher, The Ring). The couple aspect is a core component of this sub-genre; the dynamic between the two, whether separated by divorce or death, is important to this specific theme. Films about single individuals, although otherwise fitting the sub-genre (eg: Sliver with Sharon Stone) cannot be included.

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I hate mean @norexics

Like wtf aren’t we supposed to be on the same team??

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I don't know what teenage girl needs to hear this, but that older man in your dms on your coquette blog is intentionally trying to sexually abuse and sexually exploit you and many other teenage girls. You are not special to that man; he's making an effort to manipulate you and other girls your age because he thinks you're an easy, exploitable target. He wants to get your nudes, use you for his entertainment and abandon you for another underage girl who thinks the attention is fun at the time. There's a reason he has to go after young girls instead of women his own age; they know he's predatory and evil. That's a child predator. Block him and warn other young girls if you can