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[aviansgotchu]

2024 comin

i keep thinkin 2024 is going to bring a few ends and as a result, several new beginnings.

i have spent a good portion of this year fearing my mother would die. she doesn't get better. she's just sick. tired, sick, drained. and she's not doing enough to combat it.

she's lost hope. she barely had enough left. she's become a shell of her former self. weaker, sadder, lonelier. i can't undo this. i can't save her.

one of my cats started sleepin in a new spot in the house, and would sleep longer than i thought he usually does. first thought was worry; was it his time already? it wasn't but i couldn't help but think it was.

i never stop thinking about death. figuratively, literally. i have since i was little. i don't want it. i fear its inevitability and indiscrimination. i fear my inability to handle it when it happens around me.

when something begins, i worry about how many ways it can end until it does. cursed.

[aviansgotchu]

saturn opposite chiron

-this aspect is usually one that suggests a difficult or wounded relationship with the father or a key father-like/authoritative figure in a persons life; people with this aspect may have had a challenging relationship with their father [or similar figure] who may have been overbearing, unfair, aggressive while in some ways simultaneously distant, absent or caught up in his own wounds/struggles

-people with this placement may have a tendency towards feelings of inadequecy, self doubt, low self esteem, fear of rejection, lack of confidence in their abilities, imposter syndrome, feeling undeserving, feeling pressured to be perfect etc

-however, not only do they struggle with these feelings towards themselves, those with this aspect may also be quite judgemental towards others also; perhaps often rejecting others, being a harsh critic, setting unrealistic expectations for others, projecting their fears onto others, expecting the worst from others. a lot of the time they do not act this way out of intentional negativity towards others; usually this is a projection/representation of how they were treated by others or how they treat/think of themselves

-they may find themselves working tirelessly in order to achieve some sense of feeling enough; although a lot of the time they are chasing an unnatainable goal as their feeling of inadequecy is often very deep rooted and not so easily resolved through unrelated achievements

-people with this aspect may commonly feel extremely uncomfortable around anyone who is particularly authorative, aggressive, strict, harsh etc as they hate being in situations where they may be treated unfairly, looked down upon, judged etc which may stem from experiences from their childhood or interactions they had early in their life [again, possibly influenced by their father figure or a key authorative figure in their lives]

-because of this, they may feel very uneasy around authority figures such as bosses, teachers, people they deem 'better' than them or intimidating etc

-it is often common for people with this aspect to hold on to a lot of trauma, both their own and that of those closest to them/around them; they may feel responsible for it in some way or feel like they need to hold onto it to relieve others from doing so. a lot of the time, they do this quietly so people may not realise or notice just how much they are dealing with or trying to process

-furthermore, while one person may experience something and let go of it quickly/easily, overcome or forget about it, a person with this aspect is much more likely to keep the trauma of it with them, sometimes very deeply

-people with this aspect may experience family related issues or may struggle to feel secure within their family or loved by family members; they may find it difficult to comprehend that family can be loving, safe, secure, caring, etc. this does not always mean they have a traumatic response/relationship with their family, they may just feel very distant to their family or alienated from their family, like they don't fit in

-they may struggle to find their place in the world; their fear of rejection combined with their fear of abandonment can cause them to both hold on to things that do not serve them while not making the most out of potential opportunities due to fear of failure/rejection, they may also be very suspicious of others and struggle to trust others, often keeping people at arms length and struggling to develop the deep connections they have craved for so long

-at times, people with saturn opposite chiron may feel like their relatioinship with themselves is what holds them back from healing, connecting with others or achieving what they want. they may struggle with lonliness and even feel like they deserve to feel this way. they may also struggle with feelings of shame, dissapointment or resentment when it comes to how they feel about themselves

-they may feel like they don't ever fit in; they may feel so far away from others and find it hard to connect with people. they might believe that they have too many problems which prevent them from establishing healthy relationships/connections with others. because of this, they may trick themselves into believing that they are simply destined to be independent and self sufficient; that they do not need anyone other than themselves and because of this may feel very dissapointed, guilty, weak or even ashamed in themselves if they ever feel like they want/need a relationship as so often they assume that to depend on someone else is a weakness for them

-because it is common for them to hold on to trauma/emotions etc for others, it may be also common for people with this aspect to feel upset if they do not feel needed by others; so often, they have a tendency to pride themselves for holding it all together and being there for others [even if it is detrimental to themselves] and it gives them a sense of security to fit themselves into others' lives by being useful or serving a purpose. if they do not feel needed by others, they may feel discarded, unwanted, useless, misplaced; their sense of purpose is taken away from them and without that they may feel like they have nothing left as they are given security by giving so much of themselves to others [so that they don't have to deal with their own issues]

-sometimes, people with this aspect may struggle with trying to understand their trauma or issues [chiron rules our wounds and struggles] and because of this they may find themselves behaving in very self-destructive ways in order to 'recreate' or find the trauma so that they can understand it in the present and heal, although this usually does more harm than good because it causes them to stray further and further away from the root of the problem

-this can be a very, very difficult aspect to have; people with it may become very withdrawn at times, absorbed in their own problems/traumas/wounds, lost in their own head, obsessing over the unfairness of what they are feeling/what they have been through

-the lesson of this aspect is to learn how to deal with pain and trauma that stems from the wound caused by chiron; we are never to blame for the bad things that have happened to us and we should never blame ourselves for it. however, the influence of saturn on this aspect is urging us to have more control over how we allow our pain to affect our lives; it encourages us to decide how much power we give to the pain and trauma in our life and be in control of how we continue living with it

-although this is a particularly challenging and painful aspect to have, the influence of saturn [ruler of restriction, rules, control, limitation] encourages people to limit how much pain and power this trauma caused by chiron holds over them, it encourages people to choose healing to overcome their issues; rather than cycles of self destruction or revisiting old trauma hoping for a different outcome

-it is often beneficial for people with this aspect to learn/understand/acknowledge that while wounds [chiron] may not dissapear or be completely forgotten about, they still have potential to be in control [saturn] of how much of an impact they have; this aspect is trying to teach that trauma doesn't have to define a person and that people are able to regain control even after struggling with something

[aviansgotchu]

another winter eve settling in

it's been a long time since the bitter cold came swinging by. it's always so mystical, ethereal. the rain slowly shifting into ice, snow. so cold outside that you can hear the small pin pricks of the drops hitting partially frozen grass.

like if nature had bells.

[aviansgotchu]



the day goes on. tired. always tired. always tired of being tired.

[aviansgotchu]

Asthma attack. The weird heart/chest/lung hiccups.

Flu or covid is making its way through the home. Because we can trust nothing. No one cares. We're stuck facing possible death in order to get medical help. It finally bit us in the ass.

I'm exhausted. From worry, mostly.