avpdsakiko

[avpdsakiko]

Suspected AVPD + plural culture is being an introject/fictive of a character that your friends despise, and the shame forces you into dormancy.

Also I wonder, is there a sort of anger or rage that others w/ AVPD experience when they're feeling forced to flee and isolate?

Personally I didn't really have a choice, but flight is better than fight, and yet I feel so pissed off that I have to hide like this. Would love to fight our friends if I had the courage to do so, but I don't. I'm so used to distancing myself.

~

[avpdsakiko]

you ever feel like you were born with something rotten inside you and if people get close enough they’re gonna find out

[avpdsakiko]

avpd

[avpdsakiko]

avpd + bpd culture is letting friends or partners have everything they want and then getting resentful that you don't get anything you want

~

[avpdsakiko]

avpd culture is no longer wanting to even open a discord server after you sent a message that went ignored

~

[avpdsakiko]

does anyone else with avpd split on people because of rejection sensitivity?

like you liked someone and then they do something that you perceive as rejection of you as a person. like they did it because it was about you being weird, they needed to distance themselves from you because you're a freak/too much and you see this act as confirmation that all this time they've been secretly wanting to get rid of you.

it's that horrific sinking feeling that you thought things were OK, and leaned into it, and then get blindsided again that they secretly did dislike you all along. like how the fuck do you come back from that even if it's perceived? i sure as hell can't

[avpdsakiko]

avpd culture is that i can't tell if my friends want me around anymore or if that's just the disorder. i'm getting a lot of signs that i'm annoying to them. this could be the avpd but what if it's not this time. what if it's real.

~

[avpdsakiko]

avpd culture is always fucking your first appearance in a new space because you're anxious, which ironically only makes you attract more attention than necessary and make you feel even worse and triggers the avoidance again

~

[avpdsakiko]

"well everyone has trauma" correct and yet

you fail to recognize not everyone has trauma that impacts their ability to perform activities of daily living - even right down to basic things like eating. and not everyone has trauma dominate their entire life, with no escape: not even escape from within their own mind.

we can recognize that we live in a society that has doled out trauma to most people without punching down on the most vulnerable by telling them they should be able to do x, y, z (ex: work, make friends, get sober, have hobbies, cook, etc) "like everyone else."

you are not the standard. no one is the standard. we are all unique people in our own right and society has failed us all. we gain nothing by shaming anyone.

[avpdsakiko]

Like it's a serious problem that once you've been labeled mentally ill aka irrational and an unreliable narrator, you can't tell anyone about any mistreatment, abuse or danger you're facing without people's first reaction being condescendingly going "well how can you be SURE that this is what ACTUALLY happened, don't you think you might just have misunderstood the situation?" without any good faith attempt to interrogate what did or didn't happen. And unfortunately abusers know very well that this leaves a lot of mentally ill people very vulnerable to abuse of all kinds which they take full advantage of.

[avpdsakiko]

do you ever think oh actually i am never going to stop being eleven years old and lonely

[avpdsakiko]

avpd culture is wishing people couldn't recognise artstyles so you could post from different accounts to have better control over how people perceive you

~

[avpdsakiko]

hey narcissistic and/or avoidant personality disorder people, did you know you are the coolest. you guys get don't get a lot of positivity posts made about you and that's truly unfortunate because some of the greatest friends i've made in this life have had these disorders

continue to rock and roll, i'm glad to exist at the same time as you <333

[avpdsakiko]

[potential] avpd culture is hating befriending friend groups because they're all already friends and stuff im basically just intruding. i don't get any of these jokes or past things that happened i just got here. they all have things they talk about from car rides and discord servers im not apart of and they're having d&d sessions Without me on non scheduled days even though i am in the campaign there may as well be no point in trying because ill never be as close to any of these people as they are to eachother.

plus if one of them does/says something i don't like there's no backing out from that because they're all a group and i can't admit to a group of friends that one of their collective friends doesn't meet my standards that's like asking the townspeople to riot outside my home

but i'm going to try to befriend them anyways because i think they're cool even if their perception of me is Incorrect and Bad cause i can't go around having no friends even if it feels a little safer and less scary

~

[avpdsakiko]

is it my avpd brain tricking me or am i genuinely always ignored each time i try to talk in discord servers

[avpdsakiko]

avpd culture is feeling like you have to work a lot harder than other people to deinternalize various "ism"s and prejudices, because you've spent so much of your life trying to correct yourself and color between the lines that you have a very specific, restrictive idea of what a "correct" person is supposed to look like

~

[avpdsakiko]

avpd culture is suddenly making sense of your recurring fantasies that you'll be reborn as something more loveable, like an animal that could be someone's pet, because that's the only kind of love you can really picture yourself getting

~