awkwardthoughtsofanaddict

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

Kiss the bruises and tell me

How beautiful they look

Promise to make more

When they fade

What are you waiting for?

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

"I love you, Stupid Bitch"

I wish i could hear you say it

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

I always find comfort in the chaos

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

There are rats in my brain

And theyve eaten the poison

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

Please break my bones

With

Sticks and stones

But

Use your words to love me

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

Love me until you hate me

And i promise ill do the same

And

It will hurt

It will destroy me

And

I will thank you later

---

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

And we drive back

to certain memories

and beautiful beginnings—

hoping that they could

happen again—

wishing that in the end,

we will still be the same.

Take my hand // ma.c.a

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

This blog is Dedicated to anyone suffering from Anxiety! Please Follow Us if You Can Relate: ANXIETYPROBLEMS

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

Part one. Panic.

It’s the pain in my chest-

I can’t breathe.

My lungs are balloons

Stretched as thin and I’m being stabbed But it’s coming from within.

Inhale

Just a pin prick away from a disaster,

A nuclear meltdown and

My brains the reactor.

—————-

an open box

beside an empty bottle

on it’s side about a foot away

from a crinkled bag under some loose change.

All these things drive me insane.

The brink of my sanity is to blame.

Where the line lies is a white lie when I say I’m doing fine

I’m losing grasp on my madness

try deciphering illness from the realest. It’s my imagination.

——————

Over the edge.

I’m overboard

a sinking ship that is me,

I’m the captain

So of course I must go down with it.

I’m spiraling. Spinning. Putting on a show.

Stagnant

Unresponsive

I know i should

But the words stop flowing

Brain stops clicking

Time stops ticking

But only for a second

Before it all comes rushing

All at once.

Every ounce of liquid

I keep in this bottle,

Locked away

In the depths of my brain

Coming pouring out.

All at once.

I can’t move

Muscles tight.

Pounding in my brain

Too loud too much

All at once.

I’m convinced my chest will more than combust.

Like the balloons you stabbed at

as another, younger version of you.

Until I scream

It all comes out in words no one can understand

Because I can’t comprehend

This doesn’t make since

It’s all fake

Its not

I’m feeling

I’m not

DON’T TELL ME I’M NOT

Am i real am i not

How can I really understand until

I bash my fist against my skull so the voice stops.

Quiet.

Expect for only me, my sobs and I. Gasping for air, just one breath.

Please. I’m exasperated by seemingly nothing at all

All at once.

Inhale,

Breathe, I remind myself

Exhale.

———–

My head is much quieter

when its quiet.

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

Serenity

I grant myself, The serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The strength to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference. I am not religious so I don't rely on a god to save me or to give me any sort of power. My power comes from within. My "god" is the idle knowledge that I, and only I, am in control of my well-being, my decisions, and my future. My surroundings are the only thing I have no control of, and I must accept that. However, what I am in control of, I must keep under control. Myself.

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

Mean muggin:

That dude over there

Acting kinda wack

He gotta be fucked up

But what if

That's just how that dude is

Just a lil funny

Or whatever.

- - - - - - - - - -

This place i frequent,

Doesnt exist

Outside of the walls in my mind

That always seem to be closing in, Collapsing.

Just like the dude over there,

Acting wack,

Obvious.

Myself,

a best impression of who i need to be Just a lil funny

Oblivious.

- - - - - - - - - - -

As Usual,

I find myself here

Faded as the wallpaper

In that little trailer,

I dont remember as well as i used to And that thing,

i just did,

What happened?

Acting kinda wack

Gotta be fucked up

Of course i'm fucked up.

Doesnt matter,

until it suddenly does.

And it isnt rare I find myself here Mocking sobriety

until i cant remember what that feels like

Or maybe i dont want to.

Because life seems so much sweeter Glazed over

- - - - - - - - - -

Trap or trapped:

I can't run from where i am

so I'll run from who i am.

But it's only as frightening as i let it become,

And only as real as i make it. -

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

What the fuck

Could be so wrong with me

That nothing is wrong yet

Nothing seems okay

How can i feel like i'm falling apart, when it seems that nothing has knocked me over?

This is what i want to say

That i can never say,

Because when i do,

I'm told the same dull words

I've heard a thousand times before

I've carved them into my brain

Because they seem to have so much power for the weak,

For me,

they mean not much more

Than the words you say

When this happens because

I'm not the only one feeling this shit

So tell us all the same,

It's a cure-all, it must be.

Said you understand,

Must have been here at some point,

So tell me how fucking easy it is

To stop a madness that

I dont know why exists In the first place.

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

Happiness?

Something so needed

Is also so fleeting.

Thats why are all in pursuit,

Chasing the high of a smile

That we wish would stay.

Happiness?

The only drug i’ll ever need.

Its the smile on my face

I learn to match my eyes with

So no one looks twice,

Because yes, i’m okay.

Its my laugh I learn to control

So its not too loud

When it crawls out of my chest Depressed?

No, you’ve got this wrong

I KNOW I quote

A BAD DAY DOES NOT MEAN A BAD LIFE

It’s comforting

For both of us to think

I’ve got it under control

So i repeat

A BAD DAY

After bad day, after bad day, after bad day

DOES NOT MEAN Could it mean

A BAD LIFE

It’s not meant to be

Or that i’m weak

Or i’m trying to hard

To convince myself

I’ve been fine all along.

But the other me says i’m crazy.

But it could be worse

Others have it worse

What is that for comparison?

It could be better,

Others have it better

It just isnt something that can be compared.

Trust me, I know.

That this will pass,

Everything gets better

Trust me, I know.

It only gets easier,

It gets harder from here,

Gotta get used to it

Trust me, I know.

Life isnt fair,

Gotta do the best you can

with what you have.

All this, i know.

But it doesnt seem to be

the rungs on the ladder

i need to climb out of this hole.

And I’m digging everyday,

Only to see that i’ve dug the wrong way.

There’s no winning

at least i can take comfort in knowing There’s no losing either

When i stop keeping score

[awkwardthoughtsofanaddict]

The perfect storm that is my life, with only a chance of midday sprinkles we call happiness.